I don’t care what anybody says, slasher films are freakin’ awesome. Right alongside the classic Universal Monsters, they served as my introduction to the horror genre. They were my very own, personal gateway drug, leading me into what would ultimately become a lifelong addiction. These films are just one of my many guilty pleasures. Sure, I can watch all of the critically-acclaimed horror pictures like Les Yeux Sans Visage and Repulsion – but you know that as soon as they end, I’m popping in a copy of The Prowler, just for good measure.
Out of all of the franchises and stand-alone films that exist, the Friday the 13th series has always been one of my favorites. I’ve completely pissed away many a weekend watching them, oftentimes more than one in a single sitting. They’re like crack to me. The saga of Jason Voorhees is long and littered with corpses and, as such, is the perfect place to begin this sequence of list articles. So, in honor of the recent release of Shout! Factory’s Friday the 13th Collection – and also because I simply adore them – here is ‘Wrath of the Gods: 5 Slasher Movie Victims Who Definitely Had it Comin’ – Friday the 13th Edition‘. Enjoy!
5. Junior Hubbard – Friday the 13th, Part 5: A New Beginning (1985)
Ah, Junior – you Kentucky-fried moose-knuckle; it was a real treat getting to see you have your big, stupid head chopped off by Roy Burns. With all of the hootin’ and hollerin’ that you had been doing, somebody was bound to come along to shut you up, eventually. I guess that this time, it was for good. I can’t say that I’m disappointed that it happened, though. You know, it’s one thing to be a loud, smelly hillbilly – but to be an absolute fucking clown shoe on top of that? It’s more than one man can reasonably be expected to bear.
Junior is your typical bully. Nothing really more, nothing really less. He is an ignorant momma’s boy, who cries like an overgrown baby when the chickens finally do come home to roost for him. I suppose that’s just what he gets, though, for trying to beat up on somebody who he thinks is mentally disabled. It’s a wonderful moment when we see Tommy Jarvis beat the absolute shit out of him. It is even more so when he actually bites the bullet a short time later. As sure as I am that Junior Hubbard was really meant to go on to greater things, it’s a fate that didn’t seem to be in the cards for him. Oh well, c’est la vie, you fat prick.
Now, you may be wondering why I didn’t include Mother Hubbard on this list. Well, as crude as Ethel may have been, she at least had some justification in being so ornery all the time about her inconsiderate neighbors. They kept trespassing on her property and, to be frank, if I repeatedly caught some punk kids boning on my front lawn, I’d be pretty pissed off about it too. Unfortunately for her, though, Jason isn’t nearly as sympathetic as I am. Sorry, Ethel – count yourself as collateral damage.
4. Melissa Paur – Friday the 13th, Part 7: The New Blood (1988)
We all had that one girl that we went to high school with who was, well – for lack of more polite terms – just awful. You know exactly who I’m talking about. That snotty, mean girl, who everyone seemed to worship and adore, despite the fact that she treated most of them like shit she found stuck to the bottom of her shoe. The vast majority of people secretly didn’t like her, because she was just such an asshole, but they were also too afraid to express the opinion openly. It was infuriating that she had somehow managed to become so popular, especially when you consider that she was such a profoundly ugly person on the inside.
Melissa Paur is the perfect embodiment of this archetype. She sucks. Not only is she catty and cruel towards her friends of lesser status, but she is also manipulative and spiteful to boot. Melissa feels threatened when Tina Shepard tries to ease her way into the group, so what does she do about it? Does she try to showcase her own strengths and maybe put a little more effort into making people like her? Hell, no! That would be the decent thing to do. No, instead she chooses to make fun of Tina’s troubled childhood and her ongoing struggle with mental illness. What a jerk. She also uses Eddie to try and make her flame, Nick, jealous – emotionally crushing the poor guy in the process. In summary, she is just an all-around terrible person.
This is what makes it so very satisfying when Jason finally plants his ax directly into the center of her prim and proper little forehead. It had been something that was a long time coming, if you ask me. Perhaps it was for the best, we were all getting pretty sick of her bad attitude anyway. Goodbye, Melissa – and good riddance. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out, you fuckin’ reprobate.
3. Charles McColloch – Friday the 13th, Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
Charles McColloch means well. He really does. I mean, at the end of the day, he’s only trying to protect his niece. The main problem, though, is with the approach that he takes to do it. He is super dismissive and treats her like a child, which is something that would eventually get on anybody’s nerves. You just want to grab the guy by the shoulders and say “C’mon, man – she’s a grown woman. Leave her alone. Go get a drink or something, Jesus Christ.” The way that Charles goes about it, you’d think that she was made of glass. Sure, she has trauma, but that doesn’t mean that she’s incapable of making her own decisions. Also, there’s the inconvenient fact that he’s the dipstick who traumatized her, to begin with.
Charles’ abusive behavior towards his niece isn’t the only thing that makes him come across as an utter dickweed in the film. He’s also pretentious and controlling in general, looking down his nose at practically everyone that he comes into contact with. When the students aboard the Lazarus try to warn him about the deadly maniac who is wandering the premises, Charles simply tells them to go kick rocks. They’re just imagining things and are going to cause a ship-wide panic if they keep it up. They need to stop being silly. To go back to their cabins, act their age, and start planning for the futures that lay ahead. Yeah, I know – it sounds stuffy, but that’s just Charles, for you. He always knows so much better than everyone else does.
As the bodies continue to pile up, Charles denies the truth until the bitter end. It couldn’t possibly be Jason Voorhees; he’s just an old wives’ tale. He stubbornly maintains this line of reasoning for almost the entirety of the events that transpire. That is, until the moment that he finally comes face-to-face with the undead Goliath and the results don’t fair well for him. Out of all the deaths across all of the movies, Charles’s is probably one of the worst. A truly poetic and brutal finale for such a total fucking donkey. You see, Jason decides to drown his bitch-ass in a metal drum. A metal drum that’s filled with cold, New York City sludge. Well, shit – those goddamned kids and their wild stories, eh Charlie?
2. Trent Sutton – Friday the 13th (2009)
I think it’s pretty safe to say that we all know a Trent, in some way, shape, or form. He’s that one dude at the party who’s always bringing everyone else down. Who spoils the fun for the entire group with his shitty, machismo posturing. Whether he’s throwing his weight around and pounding on his chest like some dumb gorilla, shamelessly flirting with other chicks in front of his gal, or just plain bragging about how frickin’ sweet he thinks he is, that dude is always just the worst.
Trent Sutton takes all of these negative qualities and cranks them up to ten. Seriously – piss on this turd. Aside from acting like a giant, swaggering cock for the duration of the film, he also takes things a step beyond that on more than a couple of occasions. When he first meets Clay, who is just trying to find his missing sister, he’s a total dick towards him for literally next to no reason. Then, when his girlfriend decides to help this poor guy out later in the film, he uses it as an excuse to bang her friend – an act which he records and then subsequently threatens to blackmail her with after the fact. Dude, really – fuck this guy.
Aside from these aforementioned trespasses, Trent is constantly trying to impress people with the fact that he comes from money. What a dink. He’s also a coward at heart, who abandons his friends the exact second that things get rough in order to save himself. It’s for all of these reasons that, when he finally does meet his grisly end at the hands of Jason Voorhees, we aren’t at all sad to see him go. If there were ever anybody who deserved to get a machete stuck through his back, it would be Trent. So long, ass-wipe.
1. Dr. Christopher Crews – Friday the 13th, Part 7: The New Blood (1988)
Some people will do anything to get ahead. Just look at your typical Wall Street executive or classical Roman emperor. Those guys are dicks. To them, the ends always justify the means. When push comes to shove, they’re more than willing to screw you over if it means achieving their own goals. Certainly not the kind of guys that you would want to grab a beer with – but I digress. Dr. Christopher Crews is one of these kinds of people. While he may not necessarily be after power, he is a man with ulterior motives.
Crews initially wormed his way into working with the Shepard family as Tina’s psychiatrist. His mission, as officially stated, was to help the young woman overcome the trauma of witnessing her father’s death. However, the good doctor’s intentions would quickly change after discovering Tina’s hidden abilities. She is telekinetic, which is something that Crews hopes to use to his advantage. You see, Christopher wants to be famous. Tacky, I know, but it is what it is. The dude pretty much wants to be like a Kardashian, but with a medical degree. Not a good look for a middle-aged man, I have to say.
Throughout the film, Crews gaslights the hell out of Tina and, to a lesser extent, her mother. It is in his best interests that they continue to believe she’s sick. The guy is absolutely relentless and only gets worse as the story progresses. When Tina has prophetic visions of a man being killed by a freshly-reanimated Jason Voorhees, she desperately tries to warn everybody about it, but Crews immediately dismisses her. He insists that this premonition is merely the result of her condition and nothing more than that. Keep in mind that he says this despite being fully aware of who Jason is and the macabre history of the Crystal Lake area. Even when Crews finds the grim proof that Tina might actually be on to something, he goes out of his way to cover it up. No word of a lie – it’s almost like he wants to die.
Due to this willful negligence, the doctor is indirectly responsible for the deaths of around a dozen people. This is incredibly shitty, in and of itself, but Crews doesn’t just stop there. No, he exposes how truly abhorrent he is when he uses Tina’s mother as a human shield whilst the two of them are trying to flee from Jason together. If not for this action on his part, it’s an encounter that she may have otherwise survived. He may as well have killed her himself. Luckily for the world, if Crews did actually want to die, he would soon get his wish. When Jason finally catches up, the only thing that all of Crews’ machiavellian efforts end up getting him is gutted with a gas-powered pole saw.
If you enjoyed ‘Wrath of the Gods: 5 Slasher Movie Victims Who Definitely Had it Comin’ – Friday the 13th Edition‘, then please feel free to check out more of our list articles, here.