Meet Jeff! He came to your neighborhood barbecue and after saying “Hi!” you get to hear about how smart and deep he is. Now, much like “The Ring”, you need to introduce him to someone else so he’ll leave you alone. Bye Jeff!
I’ll be real. I couldn’t read through the entire thing. Fuck his 4 and 5 star Amazon reviews.
I AM THE BESTEST EVUR
Fuck this main character, who I call Jeff because I sure don’t remember the actual name. He is a douche. To be fair, I hate unlikeable main characters. Obviously, this was intentional to make Jeff like this, but there’s a way to do it. First and foremost, make you agree with the douche. Find a humanizing (not a pity the misunderstood genius) ground.
In the story, he looks down on all his friends, his places of work, and people in general. He punches a guy in the face who did nothing to him and remains proud. He and his friends casually laugh off pedophilic tendencies. This is beyond “unpleasant.”
He is Barbecue Jeff.
Look at these phrasings:
Billy was probably a native African from the southern region of the continent that had picked up a few of the European tongues that emanated from those taken colonies.Page 30 Code Junkie- Jeffery Koval
“Was probably”? I hate when authors do this. Don’t just probably make up info. How is it important then? “European tongues” Awkward, but a fancy way to say language. It also has kind of a weird connotation. ‘Speaking in tongues’ usually is a spiritual thing that is either a gift or most often portrayed as being demonically possessed. “Emanated from those taken colonies”. Don’t pretty up slavery. Don’t just random put slavery in your book unless you plan to comment on it.
Cats on crack, make you whack.
Did that not tie into anything about anything? My bad. Jeff has that problem too! The non sequiturs he goes on do jack squat for building suspense. Often times I skip through paragraphs and pages just to get back on point.
For example, Jeff mentions an African monster called the Toto-luck. It takes a page to get to the story and then is dragged out 4 pages with pointless details. Why did 4 pages get spent on this re-telling of a second hand story from Jeff’s childhood? Because!
When we deal with cultures and traditions not common to ours, we have to maintain an open mind and understand that not everything will immediately make sense to us.pg 34
Also the Toto-luck is later mentioned as a Tokolosh. It is a real creature of folklore! Color me surprised. Considering how little info there is fleshing out the story of the tokoloshe, Jeff probably didn’t look too much into it. (He prefers a ‘tell, don’t show’ story approach.)
Why did he start by calling it a Toto-luck? Beats me.
I just wanted to know the plot
I only kept reading to try and find the plot, but there isn’t one. Someone started to write and write and sound smart, but they also betrayed themselves in near every paragraph. They created word salad that is near impossible to read through.
This short shares the same pitfalls as the bitched about “novel” above. Here, the short provides a better example over Jeff’s novice control over language. You can guess what he meant to do, but the ending makes no fucking sense, because his execution sucks.