LTD: Paltrow’s Goop Vagina Candle team hooks up with ex-hubby Chris Martin to launch ‘inspired’ scented candles
Who knew that Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina would be so lucrative? Fresh from the success of the mistress of goop and the global sellout of her vagina scented candle (do I sense a hint of cardamom?), comes a brand new launch with none other than ex-hubby Chris Martin!
Martin, most noted for being pegged by Paltrow for his musical genius, reached down and deep with Goop’s creative team to form what can only be described as a conscious re-coupling and then re-docking with the scent lab’s biofilm batch vats. The results were nothing short of stunning.
‘We knew from that instant we had another classic on our hands’
Described by the Goop scentologist, as ‘an instant classic, even better than Something Just Like This’, Martin’s candle took a few batches to perfect, but ultimately the rocker gave a hearty thumbs up once the scentologists added the fully organic ingredient. The eureka moment came when Martin walked into the room with Paltrow.
‘We knew we were on the right track of something–we tried to reproduce the same lightning in a bottle like Gwyneth’s candle–and much by accident, one of our anti-aging specialists dropped an ounce of the all organic baby deer urine that they use in the Goldie Fawn Facial peels. It was at that moment Martin and Paltrow walked in to check our progress. She said, “Wow, this smells familiar… I just can’t put my finger on it. It’s on the tip of my tongue…” Then, almost in unison, the pair shouted, “Oh my God! That smells just like deez nuts!” We knew from that instant we had another classic on our hands.’Goop Scentologist, Willowbark Moongoddess III
The new fragrance called ‘Deez Nuts’ is being sold as a candle and facial cream set that is stated to have ‘rejuvenatory powers that’s perfect for that special someone for Valentine’s Day. Much like brill cream,’ the scentologist continued, ‘a little dab will do ya’.
If the vag candle is any indication, Deez Nuts will be just as popular and fly off the shelves. So get yours soon! Your wife and mother will both agree that Deez Nuts make the perfect gift for Valentine’s or Mother’s Day. Order today and they’ll stuff Deez Nuts in a fully organic heart shaped box.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
