Today begins the landmark trial as 36 yr old surfer, Molly S____, bravely stands in court to testify against a 3500 yr old terror, Kraken. Kraken, a squid octopus thing, has lived quietly off the coast of Florida for the past 54 years. He is no stranger to public ire, however. Many accounts detail drunken rampages decimating and destroying fleets of ships in his youth. His PR team works late hours passing off the incidents as something creatures grow out of, but sources say the creation of submarines, waterproof cameras, and the internet brought about too much scrutiny. Now, a new charge joins his repertoire.

During the investigation, he mostly managed to dodge reporters, likely due to family meddling. Their bodies still wash up on the shore to this day.

The Kraken hides from cameras, shielding his face with his tentacles.
During the investigation, he mostly managed to dodge reporters, likely due to family meddling. Their bodies still wash up on the shore to this day. 2

Incident in Question

According to Molly, she drove down to the beach on an early morning. “Summer is a fun time of year, but with beaches always so crowded, to really relax you gotta come when no one’s around. I got careless, I guess. You’ll write down the entire interview verbatim, right?” Molly states that after riding a big wave, she slipped off her board and sunk into the sea.

“The undertow was so strong. I fully understand that without Kraken grabbing me, I would have drowned. Still didn’t give him the right. Okay, so he has suckers so when all my clothes get ripped off, it’s an oopsies. I get all tangled in his tentacles? Okay. I’m small, he’s a giant. But when his [thing] is shoved [in] again and again, you gotta think that maybe he’s a [Holy shit. Oh fuck. fuuuck man. We gotta redact all of this. No way we can print that] rapist.”

Rebuttal

An extremely shit-faced kraken, nurses stolen naval loot.
Kraken parties on even as the trial looms. 3

Kraken adamantly states that all of Molly’s accusation are not only false, but provedly so. “I believe strongly in women’s rights. I’m a patriot. I also keep up on local and national news. I know for a fact science proved women who don’t want the T biologically shut down, so you can’t rape them.” Source linked here.

Kraken Family Affairs

When HauntedMTL reached out to Kraken’s last remaining blood relative, Cthulhu, he admitted to not being surprised at the accusation. “First off, he chose to live in Florida. I knew then I’d have to distance myself to keep our chaos and madness brand protected. Not to mention the election. Next, every other week I’d get a call where he’d be freaking out because someone fished out all his cocaine and the coast guard connected it to him. So what? It’s an ocean. Blame a fucking dolphin! I’m hoping this scare will be the wake up call needed to finally get him cleaned up a bit.”

When asked to elaborate on how he sounded so sure Kraken would win, he had this to say, “He’s a giant squid related to an eldritch terror. She was somewhere alone wearing skin tight clothing. We rule the seas and the whole situation is a he said, she said thing. Honestly, after the lawyers get done with her, she’ll be lucky not to face bestiality charges.”

Obscene tentacles of the Kraken. Possibly related to the tentacle rape.
These rather obscene tentacle pictures were uploaded to Kraken’s Instagram hours before the attack. they have since been removed. 4

Kraken Sources 😛

4. jarekgrafik from Pixabay

2. jürgen Scheffler from Pixabay

Cover Image. Vlad Min from Pixabay

3. Insa Osterhagen from Pixabay (edited)

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