Well here we are again. We voted and voted but still my depraved psychotics, I am sorry to announce that Cthulhu lost his bid for presidency. With all the wildfires, riots, the plague, and death, we finally thought this was our year. There’s nothing to do but pray for more virgin sacrifices next election. Now let’s learn about dolls.

Guys in Dolls

How do you tell if the creepy doll I found is one of these types?

And really, who hasn’t done this? I frequent the woods to find dolls for my nieces and nephews. Only a sucker pays actual money for them. It’s easier to break up our dolls into categories to fully understand the difference.

1. Serial Killers

A doll possessed by a serial killer will gaslight you at every turn and slowly kill everyone you hold dear.

Unfortunately they can only do stuff as a doll. Will he magically microwave oven a pizza? No. Will he stack chairs and buckets to properly reach your microwave oven to make pizza? Yes. And you will not be allowed to have any.

2. Homicidal Ghosts

Ghosts have to build themselves up to do anything. They laze around the first few months doing boring jumpscares or playing hide and seek. If they are homicidal, expect porn to always be in your dvd player and your house to be frequently ransacked.

Rather than friends slowly dying off, they die from car crashes on the way home, or they suddenly decide they’ll just hang out with Beth, who just nags about EVERYONE just to act like she’s better than everyone. And NOBODY willingly hangs out with Beth.

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3. Demons

Demons are easy. Entering into our plain of existence means expending excess amounts of energy. Enough so, once they arrive they fart a lot, unable to hold back. You won’t hear it because they are always SBD (silent but deadly), but you will smell it. The time varies from a few days to a few hours, but you will know.

When they possess a doll, they prefer to chill on the stairs like a **** too.

4. Guy in the Walls

The only way to get stuck with this guy is if you recently moved. Did your house come with huge gaudy self portraits (or way too may family photos?) Were the previous owners pearl and cuff-link theatre snobs? (Everyone wants to be the Phantom of the Opera, but did anyone actually read the book? Can you say man-child?)

Do things move only when you aren’t looking?

You may also realize you are being drugged. Don’t do drugs.

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About the Author

Hi. I'm judgemental and have a horrible sense of humor. Read my stuff and validate me pls.

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