Dear readers, I’ve received all the love you’ve sent my way and greatly appreciate you! My friend Edna also wishes to thank you as her business has never boomed so much!

Unfortunately some people in California took my bush burning advice a tad too far. Please remember to account for the weather (dry, windy) if you should play with fire and keep a fire extinguisher at the ready.

The Eyes Have It

Andrew, I am glad you came to me first. Since you did, I’ll assume you aren’t dead yet. Eyeballs that acclimate themselves to humanity often do so to get food. Not saying you did it, but people feed them like a pet and suddenly the eyes depend on humans for food.

Do NOT feed it at all. Make sure your food is all put away so it won’t scavenge your kitchen.

If after a few days it does not leave on its own, call an expert to deal with it humanely. I recommend the Kiltern and Lyle company. They work swiftly and if the creature can’t readjust to the wild, they humanely de-wing and donate them to hospitals.

Love Animals? Call 1-888-killnow

Please be advised to never turn your back on it as when an eyeball fully matures it shoots lasers. Good Luck!

Unlucky in Love

Dear Stabby, I follow women around (sometimes men too) and strike up conversations from afar. Recently, I’ve become comfortable enough to send nudes to their social medias and home addresses. The next thing I know, they blocked me and reported me to the police! When I tried to talk to Amber about it, she kept screaming until she gutted herself on my hunting knife.

I carry it for protection.

I’m worried that if I try to confront Angela or Stephen with this, they’ll react the same way. (I have a type)

What can I do to move our relationship to the next level without them over-reacting? – Down and Dirty

love potion #1

DnD, while they may be over-reacting, perhaps it’s because they were not ready for that step. Maybe you are reading the signals wrong.

For example, when I kept hounding my boyfriend for dirty pictures, he sent me every picture imaginable except for the one of our future backyard. He even started intentionally making messes like throwing flowers and wine all over his apartment floor. Like I love the guy, but wtf!?

It turns out that after the 1st date, he wasn’t ready to move in together and tried to put off the inevitable.

I find chloroform relaxes them enough that you can whisk them away to your special basement room. Eventually, you just force them to acclimate their entire life to you. The relationship will go so much smoother from there.

Submit any questions for Dear Stabby and change your life today!

Tune in next week to learn about boxes.

About the Author

Hi. I'm judgemental and have a horrible sense of humor. Read my stuff and validate me pls.

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