My beautiful readers! Last time I wrote I joined an MLM and it somehow turned into a straight pyramid scheme. So now Stabby has returned on a new government watchlist! And just in time to celebrate Pride month with you all!
Let’s start off with a bang!
Excorcizing Gay Ghosts
dear stabby, the ghosts in my house are gay and they keep hooking up! every time i try to excorcize them, they just roll their eyes and make me brunch! i’m tired of brunch and tired if being woken up at all hours of the night with their ghostly wails and maons!!! Enough is enough!!! – sinserely Ilikeboobies
Well Mr. Boobs, have you tried filling your “brunch” time with jazzercise? If you eat early and jazzercise after, you have filled up the timeslot making “brunch” unavailable. They will have no choice but to fix lunch instead! Your ghosts will also be tuckered out and likely have quieter sex at night.
You can even take your ghosts with you when choosing your jazzercise outfits! Matching clothes build camaraderie and teamwork. Also you’ll need music all of you like. Remember to start out slow so you don’t hurt yourselves. Jazzercise is the key to a healthy lifestyle only if you do it right!
No More ✣₭₠₱₦﷼₴៛₪₮₣࿏
DEaR STaBy, I aM PosseSSEd. ThAt’s FinE, I GUeSs, bUT tHe DeMON iS QuesTIoning iTs gENder Rn aND thINkinG of MaYBe ChaNGing tHEir nAMe (biG deAL in DemoN coMMunitY)…HoW caN I SHow mY suPPorT? I waNT myDEMon to knOw thAT i sUPport wHAT ever dECisiON tHEy mAKe wItHOut soUNdiNg sTuPId. aNy ADviCe?
First of course, I must ask. How often do you speak in tongues? I’m talking Latin and ancient Sumerian. I expect it happens quite regularly. Well, those languages need to be tossed and replaced. Have you tried German or Japanese? Nothing shows a demon your support more than learning a new tongue to talk in!
Second, be cool. Don’t panic and don’t start trying to take your demon out to the “hippest clubs” or suddenly change your human sacrifice routine. That’ll just weird them out and make you look sooo try hard. They’re changing their name, not their personality. They are still the same soul sucking parasite that is ripping your soul away from the flesh and treating them any different will just make them sad.
Third, please stop telling your parents and priests and whoever else listens their name. It’s up to your demon when and where to divulge that. It may be rude to assume, but you did just leak their old name all over my column. That’s just not okay dude.
Happy Pride Month!
Today’s Dear Stabby was written in tandem with J.M. Brannyk in celebration of Pride month. This of course will have no bearing on Dear Stabby’s opinions or advertising schemes! Until next time my lovely readers, when we dig deeper into relationship issues. Ta-ta!