Well. . . last article was apparently dark. My bad. I heard your voices and joined therapy. Stabby will now funnel their chi into these articles! (Chi is apparently super magic witchcraft in China, like tofu.)

And for those still worrying that I work in tandem with the police, don’t. Our friend Susan is still at large and decidedly not a threat to society.

Voices in the Attic

Jennifer Weigel writes in:

Dear Stabby, does everyone else hear the voices too? Or is it just me? Sometimes I can’t tell…

Well, Jen. No Weig! No, let’s Bradgelina this name! Jengel, it depends on the voices. Are they Spamish, Woodsboro, or Chinese? What do they say? If they’re telling you to kill your mother for her inheritance, I think you should sit down with them and hash these issues out all grown up like.

When, where, what kind of policy does she have, who is in the will and/or is responsible for funeral arrangements?

I hope the voice isn’t your already dead mother. Since you can’t b*tchsl*p a voice though, take up yodeling to drown it out.

Sorry for getting off topic. To answer your original question, it’s probably just you.

voices say learn to draw gooder artwork

Ghosts in the Attic

Dear Stabby, I have started doing hard core drugs to speak to the spirit world like tea or the [wacky tabaccy] (brackets mean redact, right?). Well, for sure I know there are ghosts in the attic and they hold parties I’m not invited to.

I even asked them to invite me! They always give me the wrong day or lie and say they aren’t having one and then – the Rock and Rolling music starts! I’m sick of it! They don’t even sing good!

Can I kick them out or can I make them pay rent without seeming petty? – Sincerely Gladiola Roses in the Attic

Dear Glad,

As cool as you are, may I say I’ve never been invited to one of your parties and they frankly sound really hippy-ish. No wonder dead people don’t want to hang out.

I bet half of them are legitimate hippies who don’t want some poser coming in and telling them what to do MOM!

Anyway, do they receive mail at your address? If so, you’ll need to serve them with an eviction notice first. If they refuse to leave after that contact these guys. The police are too busy right now.

Voices say animals cute

Write in to Dear Stabby Today!

Or else! I won’t let you have a Happy Halloween.

About the Author

Hi. I'm judgemental and have a horrible sense of humor. Read my stuff and validate me pls.

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