LTD: Family Seeking Pandemic Puppy Accidentally Adopts Werewolf
MUNCIE, IN — A local family was surprised recently when the puppy they brought home was revealed to be a werewolf. Jason Miller, father of two, discussed the situation with the media this week. “My kids were begging me for a puppy because all their friends got one during quarantine. My daughter wanted a French bulldog like she saw on Instagram, but there was no way I was gonna spend $5,000 for a dog. So I figured we’d just go to the shelter and adopt one.”
There were no young puppies available at local shelters, so the Millers turned to Craigslist. “We found this guy out in the country that said he had a husky mix. He insisted we meet after dark, and he was acting super weird the whole time. But he only wanted 50 bucks, so it seemed like a good idea,” said Mr. Miller.
A magical pedigree
At mother Sara Miller’s insistence, the family decided to name the puppy “Lupin” after the lycanthropic Professor Lupin from the “Harry Potter” series. They had no idea how appropriate the name would turn out to be. “I’m totally a Gryffindor, so I wanted him to represent my house,” Mrs. Miller explained. “My kids say it’s weird to still be obsessed with Harry Potter in my 30’s, but they’re just a couple of muggles.”
From the moment they brought him home, the family realized there was something different about Lupin. “The guy said he was a husky mix, but he looked a lot more like a wolf,” Mr. Miller said. “I thought maybe he was half coyote or something. He had this super loud howl and these weird yellow eyes. When I took him outside, all the neighborhood dogs were scared of him. At first, I just thought he was a badass.”
That evening, the Millers began crate training. “We had this setup for him with a bed, toys, and everything. But he howled like crazy all night. I think he finally fell asleep somewhere around 5 a.m. When we went to let him out of his crate…well, that’s when things really got weird.”
That morning, the Millers found a small child, naked and surrounded by shredded dog toys, sleeping on the dog bed. “We freaked out,” Mrs. Miller said. “I thought some psycho broke into our house and left their kid. But when the boy woke up, we saw his yellow eyes. Then we started to put two and two together.”
Though initially terrified, the Millers soon accepted Lupin in his toddler form. “He’s really cute. He does a lot of the typical puppy stuff — chewing on things, digging in the trash, and peeing on the floor. But that isn’t all that different from when our son was little,” Mrs. Miller explained. Although Mr. Miller suggested they take Lupin to the authorities, the family had already become attached. “My kids still really wanted a puppy, and Sarah had been saying she wanted another baby for a while. So they eventually talked me into keeping him,” he said. “At first we told people he was my sister’s kid from out of state, but we looked into it and found that it’s actually not illegal to own a werewolf in Indiana.”
Though the Millers have to keep Lupin crated on nights with a full moon, he is otherwise a happy and healthy toddler. Lupin’s adopted mother says he loves rare burgers, hates cats, and throws a tantrum if Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band comes on the radio.
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The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
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Registration Chant
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Jennifer Weigel
March 14, 2021 at 8:42 pm
Perfect pandemic puppy…
Kristin
March 18, 2021 at 6:56 pm
Cheaper than a French bulldog!