NEW YORK, NY — Media outlets across the city received disturbing emails this week from an individual calling himself the “Oxblood Killer.” The poorly edited missives, riddled with grammatical and spelling errors, announced the arrival of a new serial killer who threatened to terrorize the entire city. Upon viewing the emails, however, most people responded with indifference rather than terror.
“CITIZENS OF NYC,” one email began, “THE OXBLOOD KILLER’S RAIN OF TERROR HAS BEGUN. WELL, IT WILL BEGIN SOON!! U HAVE BEEN WARND.” The email went on to explain, “I WAS GOING TO KILL LOTS OF PEOPLE LAST YEAR! BUT I DIDNT GET AROUND 2 IT.”
The emails, which were printed in several NYC newspapers by demand of the supposed killer, included few threats, instead focusing more on excuses for the Oxblood Killer’s lack of productivity in 2020. “I WAS GOING TO START MY RAMPAGE LAST YEAR! BUT THEN COVID HAPPEND AND I WAS TOO SCARED TO TOUCH ANYONE!! ALSO, I GOT REALLY OUT OF SHAPE AND KNEW I PROBABLY COULDNT CATCH ANYBODY! BUT I AM GOING TO WORK OUT MORE THIS YEAR!!!1”
Local resident Christopher Miller was asked about the emails. “Yeah, I read most of them in the paper. I guess they were supposed to be scary, but they weren’t very effective. I don’t think that guy has it together enough to kill anybody. Also, doesn’t his email have spell check? It’s kind of embarrassing.”
Netflix and kill?
Some of the Oxblood Killer’s other explanations for his inability to commit murder included “I ORDERD SOME ROPE AND DUCT TAPE OFF AMAZON BUT THE SHIPPING IS TAKING 4 EVER!” and “I STARTED WATCHING THE OFFICE AGAIN SO I AM BUSY RIGHT NOW!! BUT ONCE I FINISH THE LAST SEASON WATCH OUT! UNLESS I DECIDE TO WATCH FRIENDS AGAIN!!”
Police have analyzed the emails and have determined there are no significant threats at this time. They speculate that the name “Oxblood Killer” was derived from the fact that 2021 is the year of the Ox in the Chinese Zodiac. A spokesman for the police department said that this was probably “copied off the Zodiac killer” and also “completely lame.”
After seeing the reaction of the media and NYC citizens, the Oxblood Killer sent one last email, reading simply: “NEVER MIND. U GUYS ARE MEAN.”