HADDONFIELD, IL – Horror villains from across the nation have arrived in the small town of Haddonfield for a Coronavirus Summit at the request of Michael Myers, chairman of the Society for Terrifying Assault and Battery (STAB). “I wanted to bring our members from around the country together so we could prepare as a group,” explained Myers, who had replaced his usual face mask with a standard N95 respirator. “This is a challenging time for the villain community.”
Jason Voorhees, lifelong friend and colleague of Myers, nodded in agreement. “I read the CDC instructions, and my old mask had too many holes,” he said from behind an identical respirator. “Everyone’s wearing these masks now! Nobody even recognizes me.”
Myers and Voorhees are not alone in their struggles to prepare for the virus. Frederick Krueger of Springfield, Ohio, is also frustrated. “I went through an entire case of latex gloves in a day!” he complained. “At this rate, I’ll never get any work done.”
Myers then called the meeting to order, making sure to address the tenuous situation of STAB’s members overseas. “Some of our members are unable to be here today, such as our colleague Sadako in Japan, and the teachers from the Freiburg Dance Academy who got waylaid in Italy,” he explained. “Our thoughts and prayers go out to them at this difficult time.”
Villains concerned about working conditions, job security
Members of STAB were anxious to know how the spread of the coronavirus, which causes the disease COVID-19, would affect their day-to-day lives and careers. A member of the community known only by the name “Leatherface” (who appeared to be wearing a respirator crudely fashioned from human skin) stood up and raised his chainsaw silently. “He wants to know how we’re supposed to work in these conditions,” a voice with a strong brogue piped up from the back. Standing on a chair, the Leprechaun continued, “The other day someone sneezed on my pot of gold, and I had to sanitize every coin. Between that and cleaning up his blood, my whole day was shot.”
Myers acknowledged the group’s concerns, and agreed that potential victims might be taking fewer vacations to haunted castles, summer camps, or secluded hotels in the mountains. However, he reminded the assembled villains to prioritize their own safety. “Try staying home and terrifying victims in other ways, such as cyberbullying or creepy phone calls,” he suggested. A man in a ghost mask could then be heard sighing and complaining that no one even answers their phones anymore.
Myers advises members to stay in touch: “Communication is key.”
Myers then thanked the STAB members for coming and reminded them to wash their hands thoroughly. “Personal hygiene is extremely important to prevent the spread of disease,” he emphasized. In response, STAB member Norman Bates tried to put a positive spin on the recent viral outbreak. “I do my best work in the bathroom,” he said.
The STAB Coronavirus Summit will run for seven days total. Members of STAB who cannot attend in person can view the recorded sessions, which will be available afterwards in VHS format only (members are encouraged to make and distribute copies). For more information, members can reach the group via their private Facebook page or on Twitter @STABUSA.