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There are a lot of classic stories that start as a re-selling of something. An object that passes hands from one sorry soul to the next, the new victim unwitting of the danger they’ve just accepted with a few quick bucks. We have legends like the killer prom dress and movies about evil prom dresses. There’s been movies/stories about cool boxes bought and houses are a very common theme. And don’t buy dolls from creepy, weird dudes off the street.

So, recently, I’ve taken up a new hobby while looking for some used furniture/reporting asshole price gougers on some local community apps and websites for selling/buying: being absolutely terrified by what people are slinging online.  There’s a plethora of killer kitsch, abnormal antiques, and just plain weird shit that people are positive that you’ll want haunting up your place.  

Whether it’s odd, old, gross, or weird, here’s six horrific things that could be in my house right now if I gave up the cash:

6) Ouija Coffee table – Price $60

Has this ever happened to you?

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Trying to settle down with some coffee AND chat with your dead buds is sometimes just a headache!!! But not anymore with Ouija coffee table:

Hell, you don’t need to fork over extra cash for a three-in-one state-of-the-art device like this. For those of you with visual disabilities, the letters are larger than your normal Ouija board, so even grandma can join the fun and still complain to grandpa about the neighbors and their noisy dog! For those who need to keep a few extra spirits for your spirits, there’s a great drawer under the table. And you don’t even need a planchette when you’ve got a clear coffee cup after you’ve drained it.

Get your dark roast with ghosts with this little beauty!

How much I’d actually want it: 3.5/5

How obliging my glorious spouse would be to have this in our home: 2/5

5) Ashtray of Death – Price $5

Ever had to put out your $100 hand-roll Cuban cigar in absolute normative trash? Me neither, but we shouldn’t have to! And for just a fiver, we never have to worry about that again. Someone has created this…art…ashtray for us. Sure, it looks like Sub-Zero has been hitting the clay lately after an inspirational kill. That’s what gives it character.

Apart from the spine, feel free to gaze into the flesh-colored bowl and enjoy what looks to be bodily fluids found at a crime scene, pooling and clotting at the bottom. That sickening disgust from the visceral reaction of this thing is what adds to the beauty of art and expression in…ceramic ashtrays, right?

How much I’d want it 1/5

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How obliging 4/5 (it’s small)

4) “Primitive” Doll – Price $75

Yes, dolls are on this list. They will always be on the list. I think you also have an idea about #1, too, deep in your dark heart.

Well, take a look at this doozy of a doll. Any little girl or progressive little boy would love to be haunted by this thing, always watching quietly from the corner…until the night comes.

…and the night *will* come…

It has no hands. Fine. I can get over that. It has disjointed, broken feet. Whatever. But…it’s the, well…

Or it might have said, “Rubber baby buggy bumpers”

I mean, to be fair, this doll has more going on than some creature designs in movies today. The strange hair, twisted in all directions…The X stitched mouth…The long, flat nose…And those eyes…lifeless eyes. Black eyes…like a shark’s eyes.

How much I’d want it: 1.5/5

How obliging: 2/5

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3) I want you to take a guess – Price $80

So, this is very pink and purple. Perfect for anyone who likes those colors and…rounded shapes?

Newest from Victoria Secret

Know what it is yet? Here’s the description: “No longer in use, can be used for plants/pots or whatever creative desire you may think of. I just have no use for it. Sparkly purple cover was put on it.”

Great white elephant gift for the next office party

Yes, you’re absolutely correct. It’s a prosthetic limb, apparently no longer needed. But you could have the most interesting planter in the neighborhood for the low price of $80!

Now, I’m not saying that prosthetic are weird or creepy or anything like that, I’m just saying the people who have them are – zing! I kid, my amputee friends. What I’m saying is strange about this situation is: trying to sell basically a body part (I know it’s not an actual, but this is still a pretty intimate piece of someone’s life), trying to sell it as a freaking arts and craft project, trying to sell it for $80, and…so pink…

You put that alllll together and it’s just a very interesting story.

How much I’d want it 2.5/5

How obliging: 0/5 (no way in hell)

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2) Whisky Decanter – Price $15

In sunken overall’s and hands limply to his side, this jolly little monstrosity welcomes you to rip off his head and take a drink from him.

But that’s the least of our worries.

Along with charming red bow tie and luscious mustache, he’s sporting another set of baby blues.

Well, figuratively speaking…

Yes, that’s right, he’s got a Twilight Zone-esque extra set of eyes. But the description clearly states that this is “a great bar item from the past”. The past of what? Or where? Or whom? I don’t even know what kind of person or place could envision such a strange and grotesque-…let’s just get to the joke:

There it is.

How much I’d want it: 3.5/5

How obliging: 3/5

1) Yeah, Clowns – Price $90

Have you ever thought, “Boy, I just have this $90 and absolutely nothing to constantly put me in mortal terror…and I want that”? No, of course not, you’re poor like me. We’d rather spend that on pizza, streaming services, and toys for our cats that they’ll never play with.

But if I were so inclined, I would buy this painting.

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Stop covering your shame, Mr. Winkies!

Yes, that’s correct. It’s a picture of a sad, tattered clown fart-summoning other demon clowns to him. It has to be. Look at their faces. Those are not “lost comrade” faces. Those are…

Uhggg

I’m not a huge fan of clowns, regardless, but this is a special kind of clown that even Gacy might skootch away from. That’s not a dig at the creator; it’s painted well, it’s just…you know…

Uhg x2

Clowns, man.

How much I’d want it: 0/5

How obliging: 1/5

Bottom-line:

Oh, I haven’t even scratched the surface yet…We haven’t gotten to tickle couch, honey-addicted bear, dollception, and the sarcophagus.

So stick around for the next edition because I got a whole house to buy for now and the assholes are still price gouging…

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When not ravaging through the wilds of Detroit with Jellybeans the Cat, J.M. Brannyk (a.k.a. Boxhuman) reviews mostly supernatural and slasher films from the 70's-90's and is dubiously HauntedMTL's Voice of Reason. Aside from writing, Brannyk dips into the podcasts, and is the composer of many of HauntedMTL's podcast themes.

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2 Comments

2 Comments

  1. Nicole Luttrell

    May 3, 2020 at 4:19 pm

    Alright, well these will be haunting my nightmares tonight. Thanks, I hate it.

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Original Series

Nightmarish Nature: Horrifying Humans

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So we’re going out on a limb here in this segment of Nightmarish Nature and exploring one of the most terrifying, most dangerous, most impactful species to walk this planet. I’m talking about us of course. Sure, as humans, we may not seem all that horrific to ourselves, but to many other creatures we have been a force of nightmares.

Humans male as drawn by Jennifer Weigel
Humans male as drawn by Jennifer Weigel

Why are we terrifying?

Humans are among those species that engage in massive modifications to our environment to serve our needs, like beavers who dam rivers, elephants who eat all of the new growth scrub to keep the savannahs tree-free, and so on. Yeah, all creatures have some impact on their surroundings, but some take it up a notch, and we do so at an order of magnitude higher still. And we have gotten so good at it that we have managed to exist and thrive in places that would otherwise be inhospitable. We are outwardly adaptive and opportunistic to the point of being exploitative. We are the apex predators now.

Sabertooth cowering as drawn by Jennifer Weigel
Sabertooth cowering as drawn by Jennifer Weigel

We have forced many creatures into extinction, intentionally and not, and have sped up these effects enormously. The National Audobon Society chose the egret as its symbol after it made a comeback from being hunted to near extinction, and it was one of the lucky ones. Many weren’t so lucky, especially if they came in direct conflict with humans, such as wolves and the big cats who were in direct competition, or those who were really specialized in really specific niche circumstances that we pushed out of the way. And this is in only a very very limited scope of our earth’s history, and has since been even more ramped up with industrialization.

Humans female as drawn by Jennifer Weigel
Humans female as drawn by Jennifer Weigel

But humans aren’t all bad are we?

Depends on who you ask… We have created all sorts of incredible opportunities for some species too. Take mice for example. And coyotes. And kudzu. And a whole host of animals whom we’ve domesticated, some of whom wouldn’t have continued to exist otherwise or certainly wouldn’t exist in anything resembling their current forms. And the most massive extinctions occurred long before our arrival, when the earth was still forming and underwent rapid catastrophic changes and swings, decimating critters as they were trying to get a foothold. Nothing is constant except for change; that has always been true.

Wolf begging for cheezborger drawn by Jennifer Weigel
Wolf begging for cheezborger drawn by Jennifer Weigel

So it isn’t my goal to get all eco-con​scious and environmentalist here. Just that I feel if we are going to explore some of the more terrifying aspects of nature, we need to look in the mirror. Because if a consensus were taken right here, right now of all living beings globally as to what is among the most terrifying creatures among us, I’m sure we’d appear on that list.

If you enjoyed this closer-than-kissing-cousins segment of Nightmarish Nature on Horrifying Humans, please check out past segments:

Vampires Among Us

Perilous Parenting

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Freaky Fungus

Worrisome Wasps

Cannibalism

Terrifying Tardigrades

Reindeer Give Pause

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Komodo Dragons

Zombie Snails

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Original Series

Nightmarish Nature: Zombie Snails

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This time on Nightmarish Nature, we will look into zombie snails, because we were having so much with the Whore Snails recently. So this is a lot like the Freaky Fungus except that this time it’s a parasitic worm that is the cause of the horror… Leucochloridium paradoxum, the green-banded broodsac worm, forces snails to be a part of its nefarious plans to take over the world (well, really more just continue on keeping on in its strange and bizarre life cycle).

Hungry birds want nummins
Hungry birds want nummins

This Is What We Get for Eating Poop

The worm, which spends much of its life as a parasite in birds’ digestive systems, is part of a weird cycle that includes both birds and snails, though the snail end is much creepier. It starts when a snail ingests worm eggs in bird droppings. These eggs hatch into worm larvae that eventually turn the poor hosts into zombie snails! But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Snails make questionable food choices, but I guess this comes from being where they are on the ecosystem clean up crew...
Snails make questionable food choices, but I guess this comes from being where they are on the ecosystem clean up crew…

The worm larvae work their way up into the snails’ brains and take over, hijacking them on suicide missions to continue their own life cycle. These worm larvae eventually grow large and worm their way into the poor snail’s eye stalks, pulsing and throbbing therein to resemble maggots or other tasty treats.

Zombie Snails
Zombie Snails

Mind-Control

The worms use the zombie snails to get into their bird hosts by mind-controlling them into climbing out of the shady undergrowth where they will be easily spotted by bird predators which will feed on them, ingesting the eye stalks and continuing the worm’s life cycle as it gets into the bird’s digestive tract. The huge, bulging eye stalks are irresistible to birds looking to snatch maggots and other delicious delicacies. Eventually, after the worms are well ensconced in its bird hosts, the bird poops out more worm eggs for unsuspecting snails to ingest, completing the cycle.

Birds love their grubs and maggots and other nummins, even if they are just zombie snails.
Birds love their grubs and maggots and other nummins, even if they are just zombie snails.

You can watch this in action on Nat Geo Wild: World’s Deadliest here, if you dare. Warning, it’s a little gross but not near so much as some of the other topics we’ve covered. If you enjoyed this slimy segment of Nightmarish Nature, please check out past segments:

Vampires Among Us

Perilous Parenting

Freaky Fungus

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Worrisome Wasps

Cannibalism

Terrifying Tardigrades

Reindeer Give Pause

Komodo Dragons

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Original Series

Nightmarish Nature: Komodo Dragons

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This time on Nightmarish Nature, we are considering Komodo Dragons.  These awesome lizards are the largest in the world and are native to Indonesia.  The lizards don’t get to be full-sized without feasting on a lot of meat and are known to prey on animals notably larger than themselves, even including deer and water buffalo.  But honestly, they pretty much eat anything they can get a hold of, including smaller Komodo Dragons.

Tongue-tied Komodo Dragon drawing by Jennifer Weigel
Tongue-tied…

Beyond Bad Breath

If you’ve ever wondered just how far really bad oral hygiene can take you, then look no further.  Although the Komodo lacks the bite strength to employ strangulation as an attack strategy, like crocodiles do, it is a dangerous and formidable hunter.  Long assumed to be the result of bacterial infection, Komodo bites are outright deadly, and this is in part due to their thick viscous saliva.  It’s all about the spit, ’bout the spit, that trouble. Eat your hearts out, Rottweilers, you ain’t got nothing on this.

And Komodo Dragons rend their victims’ flesh with serrated teeth and saw into the muscle, adding to the wounds’ ability to fester. Because of course they do. If you want to see some horrifying pictures of how this plays out, you can read about it in this NIH National Library of Medicine account of a zookeeper attack and recovery, complete with full color images not for the feint of heart.  Just wow, what a meaty mess…

All about the spit Komodo Dragon drawing by Jennifer Weigel
All about the spit…

Bacteria Versus Venom

It has more recently been shown that Komodos, like other Monitor lizards, actually do possess venomous saliva, and that this can inhibit clotting and cause blood loss, paralysis, and extreme pain, symptoms previously believed to result from bacterial infection.  It’s possible that their bite contains some of both, and in reality the why doesn’t matter so much as the ewww factor.

So regardless of whether there is venom or bacteria at play, a Komodo Dragon’s bite is nasty nasty.  Like you don’t want any part of those so-called love nips, even more so than with sharks.  (Side tidbit: male sharks have a propensity for biting during mating, so female sharks’ hides are thicker to withstand this sort of engagement.  In fairness, sharks use their teeth to explore the world around them, so this comes as no surprise really.)

"Hey baby..." You look good enough to eat shark drawing by Jennifer Weigel
“Hey baby…” You look good enough to eat

If you enjoyed this bite of Nightmarish Nature, please check out past segments:

Vampires Among Us

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Perilous Parenting

Freaky Fungus

Worrisome Wasps

Cannibalism

Terrifying Tardigrades

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Reindeer Give Pause

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