Welcome to our first installment of Dear Stabby! I have much experience solving the many problems of life. If you read my article here you could see my many bonefide results such as:

I graciously decided to share my wisdom and powers to help you common folk.

Today’s first inquiry comes from Salem, Massachusetts.

Well, Nicole, let Dear Stabby tell you a thing or two about hissing shrubs. In high school, they were especially bad. Do these shrubs call you fat and steal your boyfriends or are they more of a cat hissing?

Both need different treatments. 

If they are like cats, you can spray them down with water when they get too loud.

Or, for something more long term, you trim and thin their branches until they’re near naked. Shrubs can’t really move, so they’ll just shut up and pretend they aren’t there.

If  like high-schoolers, fire. Kill it with fire.


Photo by John Elliot. Further discussed here.

Love em and Leave em

My girlfriend and I have been steady for years now. Recently we began talking about marriage and starting a family. I’ve had to give up a lot to keep us going strong.

First, I got rid of my dogs because they didn’t like her. Then, I removed salt completely from my diet, which isn’t easy. I even stopped going to church and threw out any religious iconography! 

All I asked for in return that she stopped separating her head from her body to eat our neighbors! She says things like “Well it’s not like I do it for the LOLs” and “You realize I’m not human and do this to live, right?” Please help, Dear Stabby!

The point is I keep giving and she just keeps eating our friends. What should I do? –Clark Garbled

Well Clark, I really sympathize with you. Honesty is key here. You want to make a life with her and want her to stay home at night. The only real solution involves hiring a specialized taxidermist. This way she never feels hungry again. You always know where she’ll go. Now you can be the family you’ve always dreamed of!

My old friend Edna was especially good with these sort of things. Here‘s her info if you need to get in touch.

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About the Author

Hi. I'm judgemental and have a horrible sense of humor. Read my stuff and validate me pls.

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