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Camp Bloodmarsh, WA. Counselor Ricky McCarr has worked as a summer camp counselor for the past five years at Camp Bloodmarsh while finishing his associate’s degree at the local university. He loves the work, but lately, he has been worried about plummeting attendance during the summer.

“For the past couple of years, there have been fewer kids coming to camp over the summer. It’s really put a damper on things for everyone.” McCarr continues, “especially for ‘Axman’ Carl, the local child-murderer who lives in the woods by the Bloodmarsh.”

Trouble continues for Camp Bloodmarsh

The plummeting attendance year over year at Camp Bloodmarsh has made it difficult for the formerly popular destination to cover pending and future litigation. Several counselors have already expressed concerns about needing to shut down the camp permanently, especially after reducing their summer program to only two weeks.

“It’s been tough,” says Sally Churl, another counselor. “I mean, I am here to mostly hook up with hot guys, but it really gets tough to fit my normal hook-up schedule in just two weeks, you know?”

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When asked if she’s noticed a decrease in the number of campers in attendance, her response was “wait, there are campers?”

The changing generation

All the counselors have theories as to why attendance has plummeted over the years.

“It certainly isn’t the child deaths,” says Ricky McCarr, “I mean, five to ten kids die on average during the summer and they kept attending steadily, clear into the mid-nineties. It’s probably the video games.”

McCarr pauses for a moment. He looks visibly choked up as he gazes at the camp’s totem pole, which still has an ax blade buried in it from the 1987 summer massacre. “This camp has been here since the early 70s, you know? I survived all my years of coming here and I feel like it really prepared me for success.”

When pressed on the video game comment, McCarr is quick to clarify. “Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love gaming. I’m really into Madden and Call of Duty. It’s just that most kids spend their time playing games during the summer and just don’t seem to want to spend time outside running from the local woodsman.”

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He pauses again and looks out over at the Camp Bloodmarsh dock. “I’m just wondering if fewer kids at camp mean more counselors are going to get picked off by the ‘Axman,’ you know? I don’t want to lose my survival streak.”

Future plans

McCarr did explain some ideas the local town, Thornbriar, is considering for the campgrounds. The first is a mandatory summer school session for the local children that would occur at the camp over a period of five weeks.

McCarr explains, “I don’t imagine that mandatory summer school would be popular with a lot of the kids. But, I mean, the campgrounds need to be soaked with a certain amount of blood to satiate ‘Axman’ Carl for a season. So he won’t roam the town.” McCarr is referencing the massacre of ’75 that resulted in the whole town council being dismembered at the grand opening of a local ice cream shop.

“Everybody is really optimistic about this other idea.” McCarr smiles, “we’re thinking of hiring a gaming party truck for the next season.”

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Lighter than Dark

LTD: The Firing Squad

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So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.

Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…

In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.

The Firing Squad is coming.

And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…

Ready Aim Fire...  The Firing Squad appears digital art by Jennifer Weigel
Ready Aim Fire… The Firing Squad appears
Wing Shot...  The Firing Squad takes aim digital art by Jennifer Weigel
Wing Shot… The Firing Squad takes aim
Sharp Shooter...  You're a goner! digital art by Jennifer Weigel
Sharp Shooter… You’re a goner!

I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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Lighter than Dark

LTD: Library Rules

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Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!

Poster spelling out library rules, featuring extraplanar librarian.

Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.

Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.

1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.

2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.

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3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.

4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.

5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.

6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.

Close up portrait of librarian, so you can look deep into her creepy metallic crystalline eyes
Close up portrait of librarian

For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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Lighter than Dark

LTD Dream Subscription Service now available

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If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.

There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.

You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.

There are some caveats, though.

Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.

How do I sign up?

If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.

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Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.

Registration Chant

There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.

Cannon the Candy Corn Squishmallow all tucked in and waiting for Dream Subscription Service
Cannon the Candy Corn Squishmallow all tucked in and waiting for Dream Subscription Service

Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.

Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).

And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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