Dear Dr. Cain,

We’ve never truly spoken, but I’ve loved watching you for a very long time now. I just did work about various things that have happened in your life with my friend Brannyk and he brought up the relationship between you and Herbert.

I know no one actually wants relationship advice, especially not from random people hunting you down and posting your business on the internet after being served, but after you broke your little bride like my heart after the restraining order, it suddenly clicked!

You know, friends can have a domesticated lifestyle. It’s fine, but Herbert obviously likes you. Like-likes you. He hates your girlfriend (both of them actually. . .) because she inspires a sense of morality, distracts from science, and gets you thinking with the wrong head.

herbert is dickish
(Also Herbert is a douche to animals. Stop allowing pets to hang around.)

Since he has the emotional capacity of a squirrel you found and trained to take food from your hand, he does passive aggressive reanimations with a foot he tickles

(not saying he has a foot fetish, but maybe it’s not the shirts you should be changing in the middle of the lab)

before creating monstrous rejects during your sexscapades. It’s very creepy.

So creepy in fact that he made a surrogate daughter for you to bang.

I’m not one to knock relationships but Herbert is manipulating you using DEAD girlfriends. He “re-creates” Meg and sells it to you using a hooker’s legs, a virgin’s lower half, Meg’s heart, and the the head of a patient who reminded you of Meg. Plus the hand of a murderess! Presumably for a better old-fashioned.

lovey dovey herbert

Anyway, he keeps calling it “our girl” meaning it’s like a weird daughter thing. He had his little “I made something better than God or a womb could do” rant. Best I’m your baby daddy speech ever! And like I said before, you ARE living all domestic. Which means your daughter too. (He was totally jealous Meg 2.0 didn’t like him more than you.)

He created a surrogate daughter to vicariously seduce you. If Hill didn’t fly in to save the day, it would have worked. Don’t deny it. And Herbert would just invite himself along in the name of science (and you would get a series of notes and questions that would make a happy ending impossible and now you have even weirder girlfrienddaughter issues that will lead to a break up and it will definitely be because of you. Herbert will stand there during the whole thing, gun in hand just in case, with a smarmy commentary about your love life and you will sit there and take it and GODDAMN IT DAN; Grow a pair.)

I finally understand she’s not a homewrecker.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The necrophilia. Herbert said, “It’s just a collection of dead tissue” multiple times. He would have gotten annoyed real quick with that hooker daughter, even without that invasion.

Now, don’t try to fix the situation by sleeping with Herbert because his reaction will boil down to a condescending, ego-filled let down. Herbert does NOT need a bigger ego.

Maybe just take him to some weird science-y seminar? Learn to say ‘NO‘ to him. Take less shifts at the hospital? Or maybe more? Honestly, I don’t know. Mentally, you’re a bigger mess than Herbert. He’s WAY more put together than you, which is why no one’s throwing themselves at him saying they can fix him.

Sincerely with love,
Your Concerned Secret Admirer

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Hi. I'm judgemental and have a horrible sense of humor. Read my stuff and validate me pls.

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