Picture screenshot from Shudder.

Remember Chekhov’s gun.

Luciferina is a movie I put on expecting schlock. Either, it was late and I was tired or Shudder changed the movie summary. Whatever. I braced myself for nuns going into the jungle to fight Satan.

What I Got

The first hour is a slog and not happy fun times. Nuns kick Luciferina out to visit her father. She visits. One could even say she came quick. She sees her sister and we learn all sorts of fun schlocky things like: abusive/rape-y boyfriend, drug abuse, abortion, dying dad, dead mom, and other horrible mental taxation that warped the sister’s mental health.

luciferina dad

Riddle me this

When your sister is going through a horrid time and mentally caving in, what, as a nun, do you do?

a) Call the police to inform them of situations of abuse.
b) Join her on a trip to the middle of nowhere to try new drugs.
c) Begin preaching the uplifting instances of the bible to convert.
d) Do nothing but judge.

Questionable Decisions

Luciferina claims to have a calling to be a nun. How so? I didn’t expect her to run around in a nun uniform all day, but what about this chick is nun-y? There also happens to be no real reason for her to be a nun.

She wants to protect her sister, but sucks at it. Or rather she just kinda exists near her and calls it protecting.

luciferina sis
I’m here for you, sis.

The friends are questionable too. You didn’t come here to have me spoil the entire plot though. (Though most of their involvement amounts to nothing.)

Sexorcisms

An important realization punched me in the last half hour of the film. When that CG baby floated into view, I knew the movie was schlock. How, pray tell, can schlock take itself so seriously?

luciferina baby
There’s a meme in here somewhere.

I legit feel like I got tricked because now I wanna sit down with friends and watch it and figure it out together. The movie shouldn’t be 2 hours longs, but it manages to carry its weight even when it slows down.

A special stupidity went into this film, but so did a certain amount of love. It’s well acted and shot beautifully. The set designs look appropriate. I can’t figure out if I love or hate it. Figure it out yourself, I guess?

3 out of 5 stars (3 / 5) And no. I did not forget about Chekhov. Or his gun.

Also

luciferina sequels?
Do I or don’t I need more?
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