The Witch Files: So Bad, It’s Funny
*Spoilers*
I’ll be honest here, I’m not usually a fan of found-footage horror movies. Maybe it’s because I was a teenager when they were booming in popularity, but found-footage has never been too compelling for me. Because of this, I didn’t come into The Witch Files with high expectations. Unfortunately, the movie proved me right.
What’s it About?
Claire is a high school student journalist doing a story about detention. During her visit to a detention period one afternoon, she meets four other girls. Three of them, she already knows about: popular girl Brooke, sporty Greta, and girl-next-door MJ. The fourth is a new girl at school. Her name is Jules, and she claims to be a witch. After seeing Jules psychically turn on the fire alarm and end detention, they all meet up at night in the woods to complete a ritual that Jules says will bond them all into a coven. Once they do that, they can do magic just by repeating a mantra of what they want to happen. Mostly, they use this power to shoplift and get back at mean teachers. Eventually, though, they do better things. Claire gets her dad a job, Brooke cures her mother’s alcoholism, Greta supports her field hockey team, and MJ makes her boyfriend propose (despite the fact that they’re supposed to be sixteen).
Then, the consequences come back to bite them. The girls start aging: Brooke grows warts, Claire is going blind, Greta gets arthritis, and MJ’s teeth fall out. Jules, though, has nothing wrong with her until she is attacked by a dark cloud and ends up in the hospital. An investigation shows that Jules has been in every high school yearbook since 1932. Turns out, she’s an immortal witch that comes back to the town every 17 years to drain people of their life forces and stay young forever. Anyway, as you can expect, the girls team up to take Jules down, they succeed, and everyone lives happily ever after.
It Wasn’t Great
I’ll be honest, there was not a lot that I liked about this movie. I thought the acting was really bad, as was the writing. Quite honestly, I wonder if whoever wrote this has ever spoken to a modern teenager. There’s a scene in this book where a character literally starts acting like she’s in a YouTube video even though she’s in the middle of class. Overall, it portrays teenagers, especially teenage girls, as shopping-obsessed stereotypes.
The fact that a lot of these actors are comically too old to be playing high schoolers only made the writing seem worse. Three of the main cast were actually close to being high-school aged when the movie was filmed. But that made the others look wildly out of place. This casting really took me out of the movie and made everything that happened seem even more ridiculous. And there’s a scene where a character tells the girls about Jules and then immediately is hit by a truck, so that’s saying something.
The way this film treated what happened to the girls also did not sit right with me, particularly Greta and Claire’s storylines. The horrors of all horrors that happened to them were getting arthritis and getting macular degeneration. Obviously, these conditions are not easy things to live with, but presenting them as literal curses, the worst things that can happen to people, is pretty awful towards people with disabilities. This made me really uncomfortable to watch. On top of that, there’s also a really gross joke about lesbians that made me instantly lose respect for Claire and the fact that Greta and her father are the only people of color in the entire movie.
Was There Anything Good About It?
I liked the setting of this movie. Maybe I’m biased because I’m a sucker for New England-based horror stories, but I liked how it took place in a picturesque small town in Maine. I also appreciated that this movie passes the Bechdel test. Paget Brewster, who plays the town detective investigating the girls, was great. As she is in everything, to be honest. Other than that, though, there’s not much to enjoy. The acting, writing, and effects were pretty bad.
Final Thoughts
If you’re looking for a creepy horror movie about witches, this is not it. But, if you’re looking for a movie that is so terrible it verges into humor, The Witch Files is for you. I could definitely see teenage me making fun of this with my friends. Ultimately, the unintentional humor is The Witch Files’ saving grace. I wouldn’t say it’s “so bad it’s good,” but to me it was “so bad, it’s hilarious to think about Netflix producing this and Roma in the same year.” If you’re looking for a movie where you can laugh at how bad it is, The Witch Files fits the bill.
(1.5 / 5)
Launching with worldwide excitement, Fallout is based on the extremely popular game series of the same name. Fans of the series have waited with anticipation and trepidation to see if the Prime series would live up to the game.
Having now watched the first episode I can say that, so far, it’s successful.
The story
Our story begins with a children’s birthday party. A performer is there with his daughter, giving horse rides and taking pictures with the kids.
As much as the adults try to focus on the party and the kids, it’s impossible to ignore the looming threat of war that’s on everyone’s mind.
Of course, it’s during this party that war comes, and the bombs drop.
We then cut to after the war and into one of the vaults established to protect humankind and the American Way. For future reference, this is Vault 33. We meet Lucy, our first main character, who’s petitioning to be married to a man from Vault 32 to ensure DNA diversity.
On the wedding night, though, Lucy and the rest of Vault 33 are met with a horrible surprise. The group they let in is not in fact from Vault 32, but is instead a team of raiders from the surface. The raiders kill a lot of the vault dwellers and kidnap Lucy’s father.
We are then introduced to our second main character, Maximus. He is in training to become a Knight in the Brotherhood of Steel. And, well, he’s not doing great.
Things get worse when his best friend Dane becomes a squire before him. But when Dane is hurt, Maximus gets their spot.
We then go back to Lucy, who has decided to leave the vault and find her dad. Of course, the council of her vault doesn’t want her to go. So she is aided by her brother Norm and cousin Chet in a wild escape.
What worked
The first thing that deserves attention is the exceptional character work. Our three main characters are fleshed out and relatable right away. We feel sympathetic for The Ghoul before he’s even introduced as such. We love Lucy’s nativity and selflessness. And we love Maximus for his honesty and passion for his cause.
While these characters are their own people, they also exhibit the three responses we might expect to see in a post-apocalyptic world. We have the hopeful optimist who doesn’t understand how bad things are. We have the aspiring hero who wants to make the world better by force. And we have the self-serving individual who’s given up on the rest of humanity and is only focused on surviving.
Another thing I enjoyed about this episode was the balance of humor and gore. Because there was certainly enough blood and guts for even the most hardcore horror lover. We had a violent sabotage, a brawl with raiders, and even several nuclear bombs.
But there were a lot of funny moments as well. Usually from Lucy. Her overall goodwill and fearless gumption are absolutely hilarious, especially given the horrors she’s facing. It never ceases to amuse me.
Both of these aspects are done perfectly. The jokes land and the bloody scenes pull no punches. It was delightful.
All in all, this was an exciting start to a much-anticipated series. Here’s hoping they’re able to stick the landing.
For more tv shows based on video games, check out my review of Witcher.
(4 / 5)
Episode seven of American Horror Story Delicate was a classic AHS flashback episode. If you were excited to see what Preecher had to say to Anna at the end of the last episode, I’m sorry to say that you will not get that satisfaction. However, we did learn all sorts of other fascinating things about the strange coven hunting Anna. And, we learned all sorts of things we didn’t know about Dex’s first wife, Adeline.
The story
We begin our story with a woman giving birth alone in a barn. When it becomes clear that she’s not going to be able to deliver vaginally, she pulls out a knife and cuts her stomach open to pull out her children.
For whatever reason, this is when the coven of witches decides to make themselves known.
We then cut to 2013, when Dex was still married to Adeline. In true Dex fashion, he’s surprised her with a puppy.
While that sounds great in theory, dogs are something a couple should talk about, not gift each other with as a surprise. An adult would know that. A trust fund boy like Dex does not.
Adeline owns a vegan restaurant called Ave Hestia. Love that name. She seems to be living a great life. She has a career she’s passionate about, friends who love her, and a husband she seems kind of fond of.
Maybe that’s why she didn’t want a puppy. She already had one.
Of course, things aren’t as good as they appear. We soon find out that Adeline was one of those babies we saw at the start of the episode. The other baby was Sonia, the painter.
And yes, both of these characters are played by Annabelle Dexter-Jones.
Adeline has stepped away from their family, and whatever dark things they do. But the family isn’t happy with her decision. And if she isn’t going to come back willingly, they’re going to make her.
What worked
To start with, I loved the character, Adeline. She is fierce, she is fearless, and relentless. I feel like this would have been a far different story if Adeline had been our main character. It was astounding to see her interact with the same people Anna has, and get a completely different response. It’s clear now, how much everyone around Anna resents her for simply not being Adeline.
I also appreciated that there was just a shocking amount of blood in this episode. From the start when Adeline and Sonia are born, to the climactic end of Adeline, this episode is just drenched in blood.
Finally, I’m fascinated by the changes in this season from the book it’s based on. Because absolutely none of this was in the book. Compared to this, the book is heartwarming.
The book is kind of heartwarming even without the comparison.
But I love the fact that, even with just two episodes left in the season, I have no idea what’s going to happen. I do not know what Anna is carrying. I do not know if she’s going to survive this. I do not know what these people want with her.
But I can’t wait to find out.
What didn’t work
All that being said, it is a bit frustrating to have no forward momentum in this episode. This was all backstory, and it felt like there wasn’t enough backstory to fill a full forty minutes. Because of that, it dragged. There were a lot of scenes that just didn’t need to be as long as they were. It felt like they could have cut that down considerably, and had some time to check in with our main characters at either the start or the end of the episode.
There are only two episodes left in the season, and I can honestly say I have no idea what’s going to happen. But so far the story has been dark, bloody, and provocative. So I hope they can manage to end it on a high note.
(4 / 5)
If you’re a fan of my work, please check out my latest story, Nova, on Paper Beats World. New chapters launch every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs returned March 29th for the first ever Easter-themed episode. Debuting the new series format, hosts Joe Bob and Darcy the Mail Girl presented only one film. The Drive-In can be watched on AMC+ and Shudder every other Friday during the season.
This week on The Last Drive-In, Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy the Mail Girl hopped onto our screens to include us in their Easter party. Festivities include decorating eggs, blowing noisemakers, cuddling mutilated stuffies, and of course, swigging down Lone Star beer. You’re invited to consume whatever substances you like best to enhance the viewing experience of this week’s film, Brian Skiba’s Rottentail (2019).
As Joe Bob opens the episode, there is hope he will remain focused and on topic. He begins with innocent rabbit behavior patterns before taking a turn into the best methods of hunting them. Darcy grows increasingly uncomfortable as he delights in giving pointers to would-be hunters. She incredulously asks, “Are you talking about killing rabbits right now?”
Believing the audience is on her side, she throws up a Twitter poll. It was a close split, but 50.2% of viewers who responded do agree with her. See? Every vote does count. (Seriously, make sure you are registered to vote in this year’s elections.)
Ch-Ch-Changes
Calling out the elephant in the room, Joe Bob reminds viewers about the new one-movie format of the series. Instead of two movies every Friday, this season has been stretched out with one movie showing every other week until Labor Day.
If you want someone to blame, Joe Bob says you can point at us tired folks on the east coast struggling to stay awake past midnight. However, between the new format and specials, we have been assured there are actually more movies this season.
Thankfully for the audience, Rottentail is packed with action and hits multiple genres to the point that it feels like at least a movie and a half.
Rottentail tells the story of unassuming scientist Peter Cotten (Corin Nemec) being transformed into a rabbit-human hybrid after receiving a bite from a genetically-engineered rabbit. He embarks on a journey of revenge against those who wronged him in his childhood such as Pastor Jake Mulligan (William McNamara). He even finds time to rekindle a past romance with Anna Banana (Dominique Swain).
The Drive-In Totals include but are not limited to: 4 dead bunnies, 1 mad army general, mutated bunny rampage, lettuce nibbling, heart tossing, 1 mutant bunny baby, and erection fu. “Four stars. Joe Bob says, ‘Check it out.’
No Animals Were Harmed
It goes without saying that there are a few depictions of animal cruelty within this film. Darcy feels it is prudent to warn the audience. Whenever an animal dies on screen, Twitter is flooded with upset viewers expressing their distaste. Dragging the warning out of Joe Bob, she reminds him of the gentle nature of the #MutantFam. We’ll watch humans be slaughtered all day, but don’t you dare hurt that animal.
Joe Bob seems to not understand the need for the warning as, “this whole movie is about taking revenge on people who harm animals!” He insists no animals are actually harmed and implies that being bothered is indicative of good effects. To demonstrate, at one point he “snaps” Darcy’s neck with the assistance of a sound effect.
Pages to Print
The film is based off of the graphic novel Rottentail by David C. Hayes and Kevin Moyers. Initially self-published, Source Point Press picked up the novel and are responsible for its translation onto screen. The film is very stylized and Joe Bob says it gives Re-Animator (1985) vibes.
Nemec is a big fan of graphic novels, and had read the story prior to the film’s production. He ended up becoming a co-producer of the film. Joe Bob believes Nemec should get more praise for his role as Peter/Rottentail, and the hosts bemoan his lack of availability to come on the episode.
Furthering my belief that Joe Bob is secretly a huge fan of Lifetime Christmas movies, he highlights that director Skiba is perhaps best known for his work on the network. I am continually baffled at how many of these Christmas movies he can name and refuse to believe he doesn’t actually cozy up to watch them.
Tis The Season?
Speaking of Christmas, this week’s mail call features a letter originally sent back in December. Joe Bob immediately senses what is going on and chides Darcy, “I do not want letters that make everyone cry.” Brad from Loretto, Kentucky writes in to share his Halloween memories with his daughter. Unfortunately, she passed away at the age of 20 before Brad had a chance to share The Last Drive-In with her. It’s a sobering reminder that we truly do not know how much time we have left to spend with someone.
No, Wait, Come Back!
It is understandable why some folks were upset with the new format change of the series. However, the episode is still full of The Last Drive-In spirit. I don’t have the numbers in front of me, but it feels as if there was more time & space for host segments. At points, Joe Bob and Darcy were breaking in almost every 15 minutes. It’s very much still the same show we love, just now featuring more anticipation.
My rating for Rottentail: 
(3.5 / 5)
My rating for the episode: 
(4.3 / 5)
