Come here, friend. After the Depression era caused by the massive Sharknado, have you found yourself unable to find a good B-movie? And have you seen one that isn’t shark related? How about the something unapologetic, never ending, magical: VelociPastor.

Sharknado ruined lives.

VoodooPriestess – 2020

The plot goes thusly; A pastor discovers he has the power to transform into a dinosaur. He must fight to stop ninjas from spreading Christianity.

Why VelociPastor works

First, this movie’s run time is an hour and ten minutes. I wish more movies knew not to overstay their welcome. There’s not much of a plot here beyond Pastor becomes a mini Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Velocipastor
I dare you to call that a Velociraptor.

Second, I feel the love. Existing as a labor of love makes a B-movie watchable. After a quick Wikipedia search, you see the director started 2 unsuccessful crowdfunding campaigns. Apparently his mother found the guy who sponsored them. The budget was $35,000.

For such a small budget, I think the effects are pretty good. The badly done ones play into the humor because they aren’t hidden at all. CG costs a lot so most of the effects ended up practical or non-existent.

The soundtrack is my jam. Many scenes play off like music video segments, even the ones without music. But I love it.

The actors deserve careers, our lead especially. The actors play everything so straight, that even though the acting is cheesy, I can’t call it bad.

The comedy lands quite often. The movie never takes itself too seriously. Subsequently, when something that should be taken seriously pops up, VelociPastor makes sure to go all out.

Favorite bit?

It revels in making fun of tropes.

What went wrong?

Some scenes had shoddy camera work. It didn’t focus well. The camera moved too much. The film quality is low. (Though that may just be the online streaming) You know, the usual. But when the fight choreography took place, it becomes an issue. I could barely see our “grand” finale. Who takes the blame for that though? Choreographer, cameraman, actors? Maybe the shoddy camera work there hid a shoddy fight.

The world may never know.

This leads me to my biggest issue, the ending. A failed exorcism segues into the ending. The exorcism did nothing and at best ate up run time. I didn’t even laugh– at all. It also serves to disconnect the ending from the beginning.

I guess it’s the disconnect that bugs me most. It feels like VelociPastor takes a minute to get back on track because I’m waiting for it to play in again. Except the more the movie goes along, the more the exorcism seems pointless and makes little sense.

What’s the verdict?

Because of the movie type, you have to go in wanting to watch something to not take serious. The general consensus is you’ll know if you love it in the first 5 minutes.

Do the cons ruin the film? Hardly.

The best thing to do is watch for yourself. Available on Amazon Prime.

4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

About the Author

Hi. I'm judgemental and have a horrible sense of humor. Read my stuff and validate me pls.

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