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It could have been a setup for a joke, “A Pollack, a Mexican, and a Frenchie walk into a bar…” but we didn’t walk into a bar.  What we walked into was far, far worse.

           “2 for $1 Big Macs?  Ho-ho-holy crow!  Let’s see how much today’s little venture raked in!”  Bean, my rather vast and jolly Mexican friend, said as he dug through the rusted-red pot stuffed with cash.

           Gene, the diminutive Frenchie, adjusted his green elf hat and made a gesture knocking lint off the fluffy white trim fuzzing around his sleeves.  I’m not sure what made us think that spray painting a plastic Halloween jack o lantern candy holder a rusty red colour would help us pass it off as a Christmas collection pot. Maybe it was a stroke of genius on our end or just a lack of willpower to remove the Halloween decorations.  Either way, that thing was filled to the brim with green American money and the occasional Canadian Looney.  Damn Canadians. 

           “$37.50,” Bean said.

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           A child tugged on Bean’s svelte Santa suit and the child’s mother, or maybe it was just a random stranger, grabbed the boy away before Bean could get out a “Ho”.

           “Santa!”  the child cried.

           Bean turned to wave at the child as the woman pulled the kid towards the door.  “Ho ho ho!”

           “Mommy!  Santa!”  the kid yelled and made his little feet run in place and then in the air while the mother picked him up.

           I wasn’t sure what the mother said, but it sounded like, “That’s not Santa, hunnie, that’s a Mexican.”

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           “Ho-ho-ho-ly hell?  Did she just say I couldn’t be Santa because I’m Mexican?”  Bean took the red and white Santa hat off and wiped the sweat coming off his brow.

           “Don’t listen to her,” I said.  “She’s a nut.  A fruitcake.  The kid probably wasn’t even hers.  We’ll call the cops later.  Big reward.  I can see it now.  Saint Nick saves child from evil woman!” 

           “Jolly Saint Nick already did that when he filed for divorce, white boy,” Bean said, and it was true. 

           “I mean, really, Santa has to be a Mexican—who else would work one day a year and take the rest off?”

           Before Bean could make a comment, a voice from our hips cried out, “Lil’ help here, guys.”

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           I turned away from Bean to see Gene trying to wrangle in a tray stacked with Big Macs.  Apparently, he ordered enough that when stacked end to end, they would be taller than he is.  That number, as I counted in my head, was 24.

           “32 Big Macs coming your way!  Take this so I can grab the other tray!”

           I meant 32, not 24.  24 would obviously be a ridiculous number to stack Big Macs up to see if they are taller than Gene.  Bean took the tray as I got some ketchup.  I liked working the pumps and often pretended that the ketchup I pumped out was blood and the cups were a menstrual cup.

           “Take this, toxic shock syndrome!” I shouted a bit too loud between the last pump.  A woman put her hands on a little girl’s ears and turned her head away from me.  “Hey, you will thank me later when Dracula starts asking the bartender for a glass of hot water!”  The response didn’t make sense to the woman, but Gene caught it.

           “We’ll make some tea later; I need to get something in me before we bang those whores tonight.”  Gene said, and the woman alternated her hands from the child’s ears to the child’s eyes.

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           “Oh, like the kid never saw an elf talk about fucking whores before,” Gene said and timed a wave at the kid between the mom’s windshield wiperesque hand protection. Gene blew a kiss to the kid and the mother put her daughter’s face into her bosom then proceeded to walk to her table with a small cup of ketchup and the kid’s head shoved firmly into her chest, each ear covered by a breast.   

           “And they say we’re the weird ones?” Bean said as he directed us to the table he secured with our food.  The Big Macs were piled to one side of the booth and whatever Gene bought for himself was on the other.  A smell of cheesy funk hung in the air.

           Bean’s Santa beard was covered in special sauce.  His eyes were a bit glazed over from the cholesterol doing its job to clog up his mind.  I could barely lift my hand to the next box containing a Big Mac.  The cheese on the box started to harden at room temperature and whatever temperature Bean’s front teeth were.  Some of it actually got warm enough from the chewing motions he made to start oozing down, but then solidified part way.  Always part way.

           “So, you ordered a bunch of fried cocks?”  Bean said looking at Gene.

           “You wish!  These aren’t fried cocks; these delicious things are the McBratwurst!”  Gene held one up to the light.  It looked like a shriveled Mexican cock.

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           “It looks like a shriveled Mexican cock” Bean said, and I had my suspicions verified.  “There’s no way this can beat my Chorizo!”.

           “You never tried this McBrat then!  Come on, Santa Clause!”  Without any prompting from me, Gene leaped up on the table and dangled the McBrat in front of Bean’s face.  The cheese at the end (the hell?  Why would that come with cheese?) dripped off and started to fall to the table until Santa Bean caught it with his tongue.  A splotch landed on his tongue ring; the effect made me recall the time a hummingbird ran into dog shit thrown from the rooftop. 

           “Eat it Santa!  Eat it!  Put it in your mouth!  Take it!” Gene, still in his elf costume, started to shout.  I became aware that we should start cutting back on spiking his sports drink when Gene’s hand grabbed the back of Bean’s head.  The black brillo hair tangled up in the fuzz of Gene’s elf costume. 

           I heard, “Mommy, why is the elf playing Dambles with Santa?”  I could only assume “Dambles” was a code word the mother taught her kid when the kid walked in on her performing a similar act sans the cheese.  I thought I heard more, but terror was blocking all auditory stimulation. 

           I’m not sure when I got up from our table and started to stutter towards a few booths past ours.  I think I was trying to make it to the ball pit.  I thought if I could just cover myself in the orange and yellow balls that this would all be over.  Then I made the mistake of looking over towards Bean and Gene.  Gene had both hands firmly around Bean’s head, and the sausage was nowhere to be seen.  He let go suddenly and Bean came away with part of the fake beard still attached to where the sausage was just moments ago.  His face—covered in grease and cheese—had a vague smile plastered on like he remembered a fond holiday long dormant.  The clicking of his tongue ring against his teeth set me on edge, but it was the way Gene, still dressed as an elf, let out a bestial cry of victory—both little arms waving in the air while yelling for “Santa” to “suck it” that haunts me even today.

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           It was at this moment that I buried my head between the woman’s breasts.  Her mole came at my eye and drew tears.  The last thing I could hear was Bean’s “Ho ho ho!  The reindeer will be flying high tonight!”

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1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Jennifer Weigel

    December 18, 2020 at 9:03 am

    I’m glad to see the trio back for more holiday escapades after Halloween and hope this series continues.

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Original Creations

Religious Icons Revisited for the Second Second Coming

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Those religious icons really get around. This time it’s a journey to visit the Deep Ones. And Dracula’s Castle. Because everyone has to be a tourist now and then, and what’s the point if you don’t pick up a souvenir or two?

New religious icons - Jesus Christ visits Cthulhu and the Deep Ones
New religious icons – Jesus Christ visits Cthulhu and the Deep Ones

This was a gift for a friend for their sea life monster theme bathroom. It started as one of those old school wood plaques where the picture is waxed on. And the eyes were originally that creepy – all I did was add the tentacles. So don’t blame the overall weirdness on me, it wasn’t all my doing.

Bloody Mary goes to Transylvania
Bloody Mary goes to Transylvania

Oh, and apparently Mary wanted in on the action, so she’s gone to Dracula’s Castle for a bite. She even brought back her own religious icons souvenirs…

Repainted faux wood plate by Jennifer Weigel

So this one isn’t as old, nor is it real wood. But it still totally goes with Mary’s journey. And it’s also a little blacklight reactive with the flowers.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

And feel free to check out more of Jennifer Weigel’s work here on Haunted MTL or here on her website.

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Original Creations

Repaint Porcelain Figs Plus by Jennifer Weigel

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So I just keep on going… Here are some more repaint porcelain figurines and other madcap painting. OK maybe some of them aren’t porcelain, but still totally redone.

Pennywise It Clown repaint by Jennifer Weigel
Pennywise It Clown repaint by Jennifer Weigel

This Pennywise clown started as some plastic figurine from Italy. I was drawn to this because of the pretty marble base. It’s a nice touch, don’t you think? I’ve seen others in this series and honestly they’re all kind of creepy to start with, so they really lend themselves towards repaint prospects. Perhaps I’ll pick up more to redo in similar ways later on… Oh, and the eyes are blacklight sensitive, in case he wasn’t creepy enough already.

Lydia the Beetlejuice Bride repaint by Jennifer Weigel
Lydia the Beetlejuice Bride repaint by Jennifer Weigel

With all of the new movie hype, I couldn’t resist a throwback to the classic Beetlejuice, and this little bride figurine and teddy bear were just too perfect. Featuring more blacklight sensitive accents, like her veil flowers. And I don’t know why she only has one glove, I blame it on the 1980s… Or maybe she was just that drunk (you’d have to be for that wedding)…

Zombie Apocalypse Prepper repaint by Jennifer Weigel
Zombie Apocalypse Prepper repaint by Jennifer Weigel

So yeah, all those preppers ready for the zombie apocalypse – you know some of them are gonna get bitten. It’s in the script, what can I say? More blacklight eyes, cause why not?

Abigail vampire ballerina repaint by Jennifer Weigel
Abigail, vampire ballerina repaint by Jennifer Weigel

I admit I haven’t seen this film, but it sure looks fun. Mathilda, eat your heart out. Literally.

Sexy Sadie by Jennifer Weigel
Sexy Sadie by Jennifer Weigel

OK so this isn’t a repaint. Nor is it porcelain. What is it even doing here? Well, she’s cool and ready for a party and kinda reminded me of Abigail, so she sort of just tagged along. Sexy Sadie started as an Avon perfume bottle with a fragrance I didn’t care for (I think it was called Head Over Heels). Because honestly the bottle topper was all that mattered. And now she has her own disco dancing platform. What more could a vampish vixen want?

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

And feel free to check out more of Jennifer Weigel’s work here on Haunted MTL or here on her website.

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Original Creations

Beyond the Veil: Video Script by Jennifer Weigel

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I wrote this script for Beyond the Veil awhile back, exploring the bond between two twin sisters, Edith and Edna, who had lived their lives together. There was a terrible car crash and someone didn’t make it.  The other is trying to contact them beyond the veil…

Spirit Witch altered doll sculpture by Jennifer Weigel
Spirit Witch altered doll sculpture by Jennifer Weigel

Beyond the Veil Setting:

Two women reach out to one another individually in a séance setting.

One sits on one side of a dining table.  The other sits at the other side.  Each studies a candle just beyond her reach; there is darkness between the two candles.  The long table is barely hinted at in the interstice between the two but it is clearly present.

The camera is stationary showing both in profile staring through each other.

The women are both portrayed by the same actress who is also the voice of the narrator, who is unseen.  All three voices are identical so that it is impossible to tell which of the two women the narrator is supposed to represent.

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Both women are spliced into the same scene.  They are together but apart.  The two candles remain for the duration of filming so that the two halves of the film can either be overlapped (so that both women appear incorporeal) or cut and sandwiched in the middle between the candles (so both women appear physically present).  It is possible to set the scene thusly using both methods in different parts of the story, with both women seemingly flickering in and out of being, both individually and apart.

Script:

I. Black, audio only.

Narrator:

I was riding with my twin sister.

We were in a terrible car crash.

The car drove over the median and rolled.

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It spun off the road where it caught fire.

There was smoke everywhere.

My sister didn’t make it.

II. Fade in to the long table with two lit candles; flames flickering.

Two women are just sitting at either end.

They stare blankly through each other.

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Call and Response

                        Edith: Now I’m trying to contact her…

                        Edna: …beyond the veil.

Simultaneous:

                        Edith: Edna, do you hear me?

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                        Edna: Edith, do you hear me?

Together (In Unison):

                        If you hear me, knock three times.

Narrator:

Knock.

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Knock.

Knock.

Call and Response:

                        Edith: I miss you terribly.

                        Edna: I miss you so much.

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                        Edith: Do you remember…

                        Edna: … the car crash?

                        Edith: We rolled…

                        Edna: … over the median.

                        Edith: There was fire.

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                        Edna: There was smoke.

                        Edith: I could hear the sirens.

                        Edna: They were coming…

                        Edith: … to rescue us.

                        Edna: But they were so far away.

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                        Edith: So far…

                        Edna: … away….

Simultaneous:

                        Edith: Are you okay?

                        Edna: Are you hurt?

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Together (In Unison):

                        Knock three times for yes.  Knock once for no.

Narrator:

Knock

– pause –

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Knock

  – pause –

 Together (Syncopated):

                        What’s it like, on the other side?

– long pause –

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   Simultaneous:

                        Edith: I miss you, Edna.

                        Edna: I miss you, Edith.

  Together (Syncopated):

                        It’s so lonely here.

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 Call and Response:

                        Edith: There’s no one here.

                        Edna: I’m all alone.

                        Edith: Without you…

                        Edna: …the spark of life…

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                        Edith: …is gone…

                        Edna: … so far away.

                        – pause –

Together (Entirely Out of Sync):

                        It’s so dark.

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III. Fade out to black

Narrator:

I was riding with my twin sister.

We were in a terrible car crash.

The car drove over the median and rolled.

It spun off the road where it caught fire.

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There was smoke everywhere.

I didn’t make it.

Close up of sculpture
Close Up of sculpture

I had planned to actually turn this into the video for which it was written, but quickly discovered that my plans for recording required a space that was too drastically different from my new house (and new large gaming table) and that my vision for filming could not be well-fully executed or realized. So now it exists as a script only.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

And feel free to check out more of Jennifer Weigel’s work here on Haunted MTL or here on her website.

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