Jim here. This is both a bit personal and a bit of a repost. Originally printed in the Floidoip issue of the LGBTQ Trevor Project charity issue of our old punk ‘zine Ricky’s Backyard, this poem is actually a letter slightly askew. I won’t rewrite the introduction to the poem (you can find that in this book, though…amazon affiliate link, etc etc). For this year, a still pandemic world of fuckdom, I thought about showing a different side of Jim (Hyde, not Phoenix).
Jim was a gay man. He was HIV positive. In his own words, he had AIDS. Jim lived with that for more years than allotted for most people. He was on state insurance and they would take away his prescription plan when he got ‘too healthy’ so he would have to get extremely sick before being allowed to take HIV meds again. That was a cycle that followed him until death.
Jim was a complicated man and showed that complication, warts and all. If you did get a chance to check out his book Up the Hill Backwards, you’ll seen what I mean. A few private moments with Jim I won’t share, but I will say that as a college prof, I was lucky enough to have him write to my class about HIV, being Gay, and all the shit he had to do just to try to live.
I can’t find the exact moment anymore (memory will do that to you) but I’ll share this song (below the poem) that was dedicated to Jim at a concert that took, well a lot of magic (and a bit of lying by ol’ Doc here), to pull off. Lying to man dying of AIDS, well, that’s for another time. Maybe.
HYDE
Clean from crack one year this month.
it started as a self-medication
and grew into my whole life.
I live in a building where there are a few dealers
I have recently begun exploring Fibonacci poetry and penned this as a consideration for the Lovecraftian terrors while considering that Kansas was once an inland sea. It is also based on the beloved and enigmatic painting of Christina’s World by Andrew Wyeth.
She stares ahead; the landscape yawns ever further spanning the distance between us and that deep unthinkable unknowable abyss. This plain was once an inland sea, a vast ocean filled with terrors beyond our ken.
Time stands still for none of us. It marches towards our inevitable decay. Our fragile flesh succumbs to the horror of the void, cradling our fallen progeny and yearning for home. Christina, hurry back. Now.
It could happen anywhere… The farmhouse beckons from its horizon vantage point, thousands of blades of grass groping like tiny tendrils. The ancestors grasping at straws, hoping to evade inevitable collapse, their loss.
Stars fall. Panic sounds beyond our comprehension. Their silent screams fall on deaf ears. We cannot interpret their guttural languages or understand their diminutive cries this far from the tide. Slumbering depths still snore here.
The ebb and flow roil and churn with water’s rhythms, caress the expanse of grasses covering this now fragile and forsaken ocean. The landscape gapes and stretches wide, reaching to grab hold of her dress, earthbound. Lost her.
Christina’s World Lost: digitally manipulated photograph by Jennifer Weigel from her Reversals series
So what better follow up to Invisibles Among Us in Nightmarish Nature than Monstrous Mimicry? Further exploring the leaps that critters will go to in order to eat and not be eaten. This time we’re focusing on those creatures that want to intentionally be mistaken for one another.
Insects Pretending to Be Insects
This is a pretty common subgroup in the mimicry set. Featuring such celebrities as the Viceroy Butterfly, which looks an awful lot like the Monarch. Why? Because everyone knows Monarch Butterflies taste nasty and cause indigestion. Duh? Though it appears the Viceroy took further cues from this and is not all that tasty in its own right either. Dual reinforcement is totally the way to go – it tells predators not to eat the yucky butterflies regardless. But some bugs go a bit further in this, imitating one another to seek out food or protection. Various wasps, spiders, beetles, and even some caterpillars impersonate ants for access to their nest or because ants aren’t as appetizing as their buggy counterparts to much of anything outside of the myrmecophagous crowd (as shared before, here’s a fun diversion with True Facts if you have no idea), though some also have nefarious plans in mind. And similarly, the female photoris fireflies imitate other firefly signals luring smaller males to try to mate with them where they are instead eaten.
Aunt Bee
Kind of Weird Mimicry: Insects Pretending to Be Animals
Moths are pretty tasty, as far as many birds and small mammals are concerned, so several of them find ways to appear less appetizing. Using mimicry in their larval form, they may try to look specifically like bird scat or even like snakes to drive away predators, with elaborate displays designed to reinforce their fakir statuses. And once they emerge as moths, they continue these trends, with different species flashing eye spots to look like owls, snakes, cats, and a myriad of other animals most of their predators don’t want to tangle with. But other insects pretend to be larger animals too, with some beetles and others producing noises often associated with predator, typically towards the same end – to deter those who might otherwise eat them.
Hiss. Boo. Go away!
Animals Pretending to Be Animals
Similarly some animals will mimic others. Snakes may resemble one other, as seen in the Milk versus King versus Coral Snakes and the popular rhyme, Red with Black is safe for Jack or venom lack, but Red with Yellow kills a fellow for all that it isn’t 100% accurate on the Red-Yellow end (better to err on the side of caution than not – so assume they are deadly). Fish and octopuses will imitate other fish for protection status or to conceal opportunistic predatory behaviors. And lots of animals will mimic the sounds others make, though Lyrebirds tend to take the cake in this, incorporating the vocalizations into mating rituals and more.
No octopussy here
Really Weird Mimicry: Animals Pretending to Be Insects
Some of the weirdest mimicry comes out in animals pretending to be insects or small fish, where a predator will flick its strangely formed tongue that looks like a fish or water nymph to draw in more tiny critters that feel safe with their own, only to find themselves snapped up as dinner. Snapping turtles are notorious for this, disguising themselves in the muck to make their big asses less obvious and reinforce the ruse. Even some snakes do this.
Worm-baited lure
Weirder Still
Then there are things that pretend to be plants. Like orchid mantises. Or sea slugs that look like anemones (some of which eat anemones and have stingers to match). I mentioned a few of these in the Invisibles Among Us segment last time, because some are highly specialized to look like very specific things and others just aren’t. Essentially, nature loves to play dress up and be confusing and adaptive. It’s like Halloween year round. And who can really argue with that?
This prose poem considers sinking into self, how ongoing struggles with mental health and well-being have led me to take actions that reinforce the patterns therein, especially regarding depression and existential angst, succumbing to cycles that are familiar in their distress and unease. For these struggles are their own form of horror, and it can be difficult to break free of their constraints. I know I am not alone in this, and I have reflected upon some of these themes here before. My hope in sharing these experiences is that others may feel less isolated in their own similar struggles.
She withdrew further into herself, the deep, dark crevices of her psyche giving way to a dense thicket. She felt secure. In this protective barrier of thorns and stoicism, she hoped to heal from the heartache that gnawed at her being, to finally defeat the all-consuming sadness that controlled her will to live and consumed her joy. She didn’t realize that hope cannot reside in such a dark realm, that she built her walls so impenetrable that no glimmers of light could work their way into her heart to blossom and grow there. That by thusly retreating, she actually caged herself within and without, diving straight into the beast’s lair. And it was hungry for more.
Drifting Photograph of road sediment by Jennifer Weigel
Morphing altered from Drifting photograph by Jennifer Weigel
Sinking altered from Drifting photograph by Jennifer Weigel