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There are a lot of classic stories that start as a re-selling of something. An object that passes hands from one sorry soul to the next, the new victim unwitting of the danger they’ve just accepted with a few quick bucks. We have legends like the killer prom dress and movies about evil prom dresses. There’s been movies/stories about cool boxes bought and houses are a very common theme. And don’t buy dolls from creepy, weird dudes off the street.

So, recently, I’ve taken up a new hobby while looking for some used furniture/reporting asshole price gougers on some local community apps and websites for selling/buying: being absolutely terrified by what people are slinging online.  There’s a plethora of killer kitsch, abnormal antiques, and just plain weird shit that people are positive that you’ll want haunting up your place.  

Whether it’s odd, old, gross, or weird, here’s six horrific things that could be in my house right now if I gave up the cash:

6) Ouija Coffee table – Price $60

Has this ever happened to you?

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Trying to settle down with some coffee AND chat with your dead buds is sometimes just a headache!!! But not anymore with Ouija coffee table:

Hell, you don’t need to fork over extra cash for a three-in-one state-of-the-art device like this. For those of you with visual disabilities, the letters are larger than your normal Ouija board, so even grandma can join the fun and still complain to grandpa about the neighbors and their noisy dog! For those who need to keep a few extra spirits for your spirits, there’s a great drawer under the table. And you don’t even need a planchette when you’ve got a clear coffee cup after you’ve drained it.

Get your dark roast with ghosts with this little beauty!

How much I’d actually want it: 3.5/5

How obliging my glorious spouse would be to have this in our home: 2/5

5) Ashtray of Death – Price $5

Ever had to put out your $100 hand-roll Cuban cigar in absolute normative trash? Me neither, but we shouldn’t have to! And for just a fiver, we never have to worry about that again. Someone has created this…art…ashtray for us. Sure, it looks like Sub-Zero has been hitting the clay lately after an inspirational kill. That’s what gives it character.

Apart from the spine, feel free to gaze into the flesh-colored bowl and enjoy what looks to be bodily fluids found at a crime scene, pooling and clotting at the bottom. That sickening disgust from the visceral reaction of this thing is what adds to the beauty of art and expression in…ceramic ashtrays, right?

How much I’d want it 1/5

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How obliging 4/5 (it’s small)

4) “Primitive” Doll – Price $75

Yes, dolls are on this list. They will always be on the list. I think you also have an idea about #1, too, deep in your dark heart.

Well, take a look at this doozy of a doll. Any little girl or progressive little boy would love to be haunted by this thing, always watching quietly from the corner…until the night comes.

…and the night *will* come…

It has no hands. Fine. I can get over that. It has disjointed, broken feet. Whatever. But…it’s the, well…

Or it might have said, “Rubber baby buggy bumpers”

I mean, to be fair, this doll has more going on than some creature designs in movies today. The strange hair, twisted in all directions…The X stitched mouth…The long, flat nose…And those eyes…lifeless eyes. Black eyes…like a shark’s eyes.

How much I’d want it: 1.5/5

How obliging: 2/5

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3) I want you to take a guess – Price $80

So, this is very pink and purple. Perfect for anyone who likes those colors and…rounded shapes?

Newest from Victoria Secret

Know what it is yet? Here’s the description: “No longer in use, can be used for plants/pots or whatever creative desire you may think of. I just have no use for it. Sparkly purple cover was put on it.”

Great white elephant gift for the next office party

Yes, you’re absolutely correct. It’s a prosthetic limb, apparently no longer needed. But you could have the most interesting planter in the neighborhood for the low price of $80!

Now, I’m not saying that prosthetic are weird or creepy or anything like that, I’m just saying the people who have them are – zing! I kid, my amputee friends. What I’m saying is strange about this situation is: trying to sell basically a body part (I know it’s not an actual, but this is still a pretty intimate piece of someone’s life), trying to sell it as a freaking arts and craft project, trying to sell it for $80, and…so pink…

You put that alllll together and it’s just a very interesting story.

How much I’d want it 2.5/5

How obliging: 0/5 (no way in hell)

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2) Whisky Decanter – Price $15

In sunken overall’s and hands limply to his side, this jolly little monstrosity welcomes you to rip off his head and take a drink from him.

But that’s the least of our worries.

Along with charming red bow tie and luscious mustache, he’s sporting another set of baby blues.

Well, figuratively speaking…

Yes, that’s right, he’s got a Twilight Zone-esque extra set of eyes. But the description clearly states that this is “a great bar item from the past”. The past of what? Or where? Or whom? I don’t even know what kind of person or place could envision such a strange and grotesque-…let’s just get to the joke:

There it is.

How much I’d want it: 3.5/5

How obliging: 3/5

1) Yeah, Clowns – Price $90

Have you ever thought, “Boy, I just have this $90 and absolutely nothing to constantly put me in mortal terror…and I want that”? No, of course not, you’re poor like me. We’d rather spend that on pizza, streaming services, and toys for our cats that they’ll never play with.

But if I were so inclined, I would buy this painting.

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Stop covering your shame, Mr. Winkies!

Yes, that’s correct. It’s a picture of a sad, tattered clown fart-summoning other demon clowns to him. It has to be. Look at their faces. Those are not “lost comrade” faces. Those are…

Uhggg

I’m not a huge fan of clowns, regardless, but this is a special kind of clown that even Gacy might skootch away from. That’s not a dig at the creator; it’s painted well, it’s just…you know…

Uhg x2

Clowns, man.

How much I’d want it: 0/5

How obliging: 1/5

Bottom-line:

Oh, I haven’t even scratched the surface yet…We haven’t gotten to tickle couch, honey-addicted bear, dollception, and the sarcophagus.

So stick around for the next edition because I got a whole house to buy for now and the assholes are still price gouging…

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When not ravaging through the wilds of Detroit with Jellybeans the Cat, J.M. Brannyk (a.k.a. Boxhuman) reviews mostly supernatural and slasher films from the 70's-90's and is dubiously HauntedMTL's Voice of Reason. Aside from writing, Brannyk dips into the podcasts, and is the composer of many of HauntedMTL's podcast themes.

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2 Comments

2 Comments

  1. Nicole Luttrell

    May 3, 2020 at 4:19 pm

    Alright, well these will be haunting my nightmares tonight. Thanks, I hate it.

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Original Series

Nightmarish Nature: Vampires Among Us

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This is the kickoff to a new series exploring nature that is kind of horrifying, at least in ways. Our first subject is Vampires Among Us. There are lots of animals named for vampires, sometimes due to folklore and sometimes for their appearance (like the Vampire Squid), but most of these animals don’t have blood sucking tendencies.

Bats & Birds

There are legit vampire leaf-nosed bats in Central and South America that drink blood. They feed on mammals and are often shown to feed on livestock. They’d be kinda cute if they weren’t so creepy. There are also vampiric birds: some finches in the Galapagos have developed the taste for blood of other birds, mainly seabirds that flock to the islands to raise their young.

Vampire Bats
Vampire Bats

Leeches & Lampreys & More

And then you get into leeches and lampreys and other denizens of the water that are known to attach themselves to larger creatures and drink their blood. Leeches were even believed to have medicinal value (and still are in certain circumstances). And there are also numerous plants that are known to be parasitic and feed on other plants, wrapping their roots or vines around others to steal nutrients.

Lamprey Teeth
Lamprey Teeth

Spiders

Now I’m going to drift off into the realm where this becomes truly horrific. Spiders. Now, spiders aren’t vampires per se, seeing as how they actually kill their prey – they don’t just feed off of it while it remains living and wanders about its business. But because of their structure, they cannot eat solid foods, so they have to inject their prey with enzymes to liquefy it so they can slurp it out like a protein shake. That’s sort of vampirism on steroids if you ask me, just the kind that no one is coming back from.

Spider Eating
Spider Eating

Bloodsucking Bugs

But let’s get back on topic. Now let’s consider mites and ticks and fleas and mosquitoes and the like. Some drink blood for their survival; others do so as part of their reproductive cycle (like mosquitoes which otherwise eat fruit and nectar but need the extra protein from blood to grow their eggs).

Ticks need to feed on blood once at every stage of their life cycle and can pick up diseases along the way (like Lyme Disease) but don’t always do so. Different ticks are more likely to come in contact with different things and often humans are not their preferred meal but they are opportunistic and will feed on whatever is available when necessary. Symptoms of illness from tick bites may take years to develop and can have really weird side effects (like the allergy associated with Lone Star Ticks which makes a person unable to consume mammalian flesh).

Spider
Spider

Anyway, here are some brief glimpses of vampirism in nature. Thank you for joining us for Nightmarish Nature and may you avoid getting bitten by any true vampires among us… And I still think spiders take first place in the creepy eating category here, even if they aren’t technically vampiric.

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Horror in graphic novels

Creepy Comics Collages by Jennifer Weigel, Part 5

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Well, you won’t get rid of me that easily… Ha ha, I lied about coming to the end and the afterlife in the Creepy Comics Collages segment, it was just an opportunity for rebirth. Besides, it’s World Collage Day! So having come into another comic book to rework, here we go again…

The Voice creepy comics collage by Jennifer Weigel
The Voice creepy comics collage by Jennifer Weigel

Creepy Comics Story 9: The Voice (of God or Reason or perhaps an homage to my ex)

“Come to me my children, the voice of God awaits!… Don’t let them escape!” Please beam me up out of this weird comic collage alternate reality. “God I am your hand! Lift me… to your place. I commend my spirit!” I want to go back to dreaming about starfish.

The computer programmer behind the scenes turns to face us and smiles. “Guardians! This is a place of God!… Come to the true voice of God!” “I am everything.” “Come to the voice!” And the horrific AI generated creatures abide by his every coded word.

Just like last night in the — signs posted for Nightmare, No Exit. The deer spirit faun screams in surprise, “Eeek!” “No! I defy you!” She returns to the form of a little girl with arms outspread to the open sky. “Y’know, a day like today makes all the stuff that happened last night seem just like a bad dream!” The dream seems so real…

Somewhere in the city, the computer programmer sits up at night in pensive monologue, “You try to make a difference… But it doesn’t really matter.”

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The City creepy comics collage by Jennifer Weigel
The City creepy comics collage by Jennifer Weigel

Creepy Comics Story 10: The City (Metropolis becomes self-aware)

This segment is brought to you by Dead Artists and Talking Dinosaurs. No really, wait for it…

Woooooo Uhhhh Wooooooo Uhhhh… Wump! Uff! Wump! Uff! “She belongs to The City!” The Glenn Fry 1985 hit single looms ominously overhead as Metropolis becomes self-aware. “The City… will live!… The City… will breathe!” The City gasps for air, “Got to… breathe!… Got to… Breathe!

Her breath is the wind… Her eyes are windows. Her heart pumps fluid through buried plumbing… “I’m The City!” Her mind is The City!

And we have a celebrity appearance by Rich Koz “Son of Svengoolie” WFLD 1973: “I take a nap for 10,000 years and look what happens… some-body builds a city!” Kerwyn chimes in, “Geez! Somebody’s been busy!” And we cut out to a scene of Svengoolie standing alongside his coffin.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

Well, that’s all folks. Or is it? For now, any way… until I get more comic books… Duh duh DUHHHH…

If you want to see more art, check out more of Jennifer Weigel’s work here on Haunted MTL or on her writing, fine art, and conceptual projects websites.

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Horror in graphic novels

Creepy Comics Collages by Jennifer Weigel, Part 4

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Wow, I can’t believe you’ve stayed the course through four whole strange story posts of these creepy comics collages. But this is the final frontier, the last segment, the standing ovation as it were. So here goes…

The Grave creepy comics collage by Jennifer Weigel

Creepy Comics Story 7: The Grave (shallow enough for ya?)

“It should take longer, it seems to all of them. Such holy flesh should not give before a blade so easily.” “His brow is growing so cold.” “Yes it would be. He’s dying.”

“My god… I’m not dead.” Put the shovel down. “Life is a no-win situation. Besides… You’re already dead!”

“I’m not dead. I’m not dead!… Oh, Oh my god… I can’t move… What’s happened to me?” Buried alive. Or maybe not.

“Dead?” Perhaps I am actually dead. I was expecting something… I dunno… different.

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“I’m not hungry, I’m dead. I’m not sure what I’m doing here, in fact.” At least I’m not a zombie. That seems a small consolation right now though. “My organs are shutting down. It is a relief.”

“Three days have already passed.” We’re just sitting here, rotting. Like Norman Bates’ Mother. At least someone was kind enough to supply a rocking chair. “Oh, one last thing before I go… You’re doing my fucking head in.”

Adrift Afterlife creepy comics collage by Jennifer Weigel
Adrift Afterlife creepy comics collage by Jennifer Weigel

Creepy Comics Story 8: Adrift Afterlife (why you save the best gold coins for the ferryman)

How’d we get here? “I do not stand alone. I am sat in a boat.” “.. to be millions of miles away from any care in the world.” Was that the Ferryman? “Only liberty I know.”

“He does not remember arriving here, or if he has been here before. It is not the island he grew up on, though it feels so very familiar… He has been waiting for the night tides to come in, for they will bring starfish. He has always liked watching them cling to the beach before the current pulls them back into fathoms.”

“And the ocean brings him starfish… Perhaps his father had nothing to do with this place at all.” The ferryman stands on the far shore. It makes no difference now.

“Beneath the ocean, razor-sharp coral grows and plunges towards the surface, sent by a green place that would not like to burn.” “The sand is soft between his toes and he is not ashamed of anything.” The ghosts are here, contentedly it seems.

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Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

Thank you for joining us for these creepy comics collage art stories. But here’s where we have to leave it off. Trust me, it’s best that way. Besides I’m out of creepy comics to collage with.

If you want to see more art, check out more of Jennifer Weigel’s work here on Haunted MTL or on her writing, fine art, and conceptual projects websites.

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