Up-Scare Re-sale: 6 Strange and Horrific Things For Sale
Welcome back to the virtual garage sales of horrors, where the items are ridiculously overpriced but the nightmares are free!
As I said in the last edition, there are a lot of classic stories that start as a re-selling of something. An object that passes hands from one sorry soul to the next, the new victim unwitting of the danger they’ve just accepted with a few quick bucks. Don’t buy dolls from creepy dudes off the street. Buy them instead through your local re-sale app!
There’s a plethora of killer kitsch, abnormal antiques, and just plain weird shit that people are positive that you’ll want haunting up your place. Whether it’s odd, old, gross, or weird, here’s six horrific things that could be in my house right now if I gave up the cash:
6) Vintage Christmas Santa ::heart-eyes emoji:: – Price: $30
It’s Christmas in…well, August now. There’s a few issues I have with this one that I’ll get into in a hot second. First, let’s gaze into this “vintage” monstrosity.
Okay, first let’s talk about the obvious…red. ALL red. Not his nose “like a cherry”, the whole amorphous T-1000 gel of a Santa is red, apart from his white trimmings and beard, and black boots. As we begin to take it all in, we realize the awkwardly shoved trophy glued into his hands and finally notice that our eyeless Santa is a literal trophy.
And no one could be prouder of this baby boy than Santa, clearly.
Apart from that, you’re to hang this on the tree with that meat hanger of a hook up top that will probably not cause any kind of tetanus strain from the 1950’s.
For $30, you can celebrate any baby boy in your life, as long as he’s the World’s Greatest…
How much I’d actually want it: 1/5
How obliging my glorious spouse would be to have this in our home: 4/5 (it only comes one time of year – zing!)
5) Kurdt …? $27
I believe that this one is a puzzle or is cursed, so let’s be cautious not say its name three times.
So, not even the person selling it has any advice or description to encapsulate Kurdt. Is it a dog with a halo? A werewolf with an unfinished sombrero? Perhaps an undecipherable code from the Vatican or extraterrestrials (just kidding, they play for the same team).
Whatever it is, it’s a conversation starter for the low price of $27! Maybe you and your guests can finally unravel the mystery and put the sweet spirit of Kurdt back to rest–
Oh God, it’s been activated!!!
4) Clown Tape Holder $5
Picture this: you love clowns. You cannot and will not get enough of them. You would marry every embodiment of a clown if it were feasible, legal, and fiscally responsible. You want them everywhere in your life and then one fateful day you spot this happy little chap.
Look at him playfully kicking up his feet like a lazy teenager, smiling away the hours. Delightful fool!
But...sigh…you already have so many. How could you justify bringing one more happy, horrific joyful painted face into your world? If only it served another purpose!!!
But what’s this???!
Yes! You can pull tape from his threadbare, gaping anal cavity! What a delight!
Someone had you in mind when specifically hand-crafting this clown tape dispenser. Now you can pull out sticky strips of off-brand tape from his behind to your heart’s content while staring, lovingly, into his cold, dead eyes.
A happy ending for all, indeed.
How much I’d actually want it: 1/5 (f*** clowns, man)
How obliging my glorious spouse would be to have this in our home: 4/5 (small and practical)
3) Jesus Porcelain Doll for Repair. Inspirational Collectable – Price: $60
Sure, you may have a vintage inspirational creepy portrait of Christ, but what if you need a little extra push for that holier-than-thou war you’ve got with Helen from across the street? You know, Helen, with her antique claw-foot Bathtub Madonna. Yes, you need an inspirationally creepy edge, too, and this is just the ticket.
The description post also rings inspirational and not at all like something found written in a serial killer’s notebook,
“Let the little children come Titus Tomesco mohair. Broken shoulder plate back portion. Otherwise good clean condition. Non smoking, pet free home. 15” from head to kneeling position, 19” overall. Comes dressed in shroud, garment, robe.”
There’s only one picture to encompass all of his Pantene Pro-V tresses and…off-putting ceramic beard, so there’s not much to work with. We do not get to see his “shroud, garment, robe”, nor his kneeling position. And for a broken Jesus doll that’s worth $60, I want to at least see the whole kit and caboodle.
How much I’d actually want it: 2/5 (I’m good)
How obliging my glorious spouse would be to have this in our home: 1/5 (doesn’t like hairy dudes, sorry)
2) Heather Doll – Price $50
“Clowns and dolls”, as grandpappy used to say before jamming more slugs into his double-barreled shotgun, “that’s what will destroy us if we don’t watch out.”
So, this doozy of a doll is guaranteed safe, though. Just look at her:
As the description says, “A fine porcelain doll sculpted by Jake Grobben. Box is a bit tattered, but doll has never been taken out.”
It shows.
Yes, folks, you can sleep easy knowing this Squawky Tina has been locked into the box for maximum security. No demon-dolling around at night for her!
A fine, protective mesh encompasses her head to eradicate any eye beams or net any fangs. Her hands have been bound tightly at her sides under thick pads of gauze. Her neck is encapsulated and weighted to the box, but her eyes still spark defiance and a little head-tilt that edges a dangerous dare to let her out…
She even comes with official papers, letting you know how many people have succumbed to her porcelain clutches. Heck, she even arrives with a flower to place on your grave. Forward-thinking!
How much I’d actually want it: 3/5 (I’m up for a challenge)
How obliging my glorious spouse would be to have this in our home: 2/5 (“You’d take it out of the box, right?”)
1) Authentic Mexican Masks – Prices Vary
HO.
LY.
SHEEEEEEET.
I’ve hit the mother-lode. Sweet baby Huitzilopochtli, LOOK AT THOSE!!!
I mean…
Do I even need to say anything? The ad lists that there are over 50 masks in varying prices, and are “like new” from Mexico. Barely any blood from the last victims on them at all!
How much I’d actually want it: 5/5 (did you look at the pictures???)
How obliging my glorious spouse would be to have this in our home: 4/5 (“I’m not driving there and they’re weird, but you can put up whatever you want in your study.”)
So…guess who drove an hour one way to get a mask?
Pfft, not me……….
I drove it to get two masks!
That’s right. Something in the Virtual Garage Sale of Horrors caught my eye and I gave up my human money for their beautiful charm. Are they haunted by Mexican ghosts? Only time will tell…
Sometimes it pays not to be seen, especially if there are things that want to eat you or if you have to sneak up on things to eat them. So this time on Nightmarish Nature we’re going to look at some of the creatures known for being invisibles among us. Some of these critters engage in mimicry, intentionally looking like other specific things, but a lot of them engage in camouflage, just wanting to blend in. In this segment we’ll consider both but focus more on the latter.
Buggin’ Ya
Some of the most notable invisibles are masters of camouflage in the insect world… Moths and beetles that look like bark or dead leaves. Mantids and other insects that look like leaves or flowers. Those stick bugs and walking sticks that I’m not sure how to classify (are they some kind of weird relations to assassin bugs or their own thing?). And my personal favorite, Umbonia Crassicornis, a type of tree hopper better known as the thorn bug. And don’t even get me started on spiders and scorpions… You could come face to face with pretty much any of these critters while mucking around in your garden and be none the wiser for it unless their movement betrays their location or you happen to scan the area with a blacklight before you dig in. It’s jump scare central, for sure!
Leapin’ Lizards
Lizards and amphibians are also masters of disguise, often resembling their surroundings much like the insect world does. Chameleons are celebrated because of their ability to change color to match their surroundings, but there are several lizards that do this, just not to that extreme. Like anoles. Take a trip to Florida and you’ll soon find that you’re being stared at by a lizard you didn’t even know was there, seeing as how anoles are everywhere and get into everything (one recently startled my mother after making its home in a hallway decoration). You don’t even have to go to Florida, they range anywhere from Texas to North Carolina, and there are other lizards that range further north that do this as well.
Cunning Cats
All those coat patterns you see on cats and other ambush hunters aren’t just for show – the spots and stripes allow our feline friends to blend into their surroundings while on the prowl. Sneaky sneaky. This helps them to be the amazing hunting machines that they are. Assuming they don’t raise the bird alarm and draw attention to their whereabouts. Because birds do love to raise a stink when there’s a feline predator about, and we can’t say we blame them.
Aquatics
Then when you go underwater, you take it next level. Camouflage is taken up a notch with seahorses, nudibranchs, and more that look exactly like random flotsam. Some critters, such as Majoidea crabs, even decorate themselves with ocean debris to blend in. And octopuses are like underwater chameleons on steroids that also utilize their surroundings to create a sort of protective armor that blends in, like when they carry anything they can grab to protect their squishy selves when sharks are about. There are even true invisibles like shrimp, fish, and jellyfish that are actually clear except for their internal organs that don’t necessarily register with everything floating about underwater. Even whales can appear to come out of nowhere depending on your angle to them to start with!
If you’ve enjoyed this segment of Nightmarish Nature, feel free to check out some previous here:
So, now that it’s getting cold, here on Nightmarish Nature we’re going to talk about a different kind of terror – the starvation diet. It’s winter, and food is becoming ever scarcer, so many creatures will slow down to conserve energy. Let’s take this a step further to the sleep of the damned… But I’m not talking hibernation, or settling in for a sort of long winter nap version of seasonal affective disorder on steroids. No, I’m talking hummingbirds.
Sugar Rush
Hummingbirds are about the polar opposite of what you’d think of when you talk about inactivity. They’re more the picture-perfect speed demons. And yet, due to their crazy high metabolisms and constant need to refuel by consuming all the nectar and insects they can get their little beaks in or on, they have near death experiences on a regular basis. Even during the summer at night whenever the temperature falls too low. It’s like all their systems have to go offline for a bit just so they can survive.
Energy Suck
Essentially a hummingbird burns so much energy that he can die in less than eight hours of not eating. The little sugar daddy needs another fix just to keep going. This lifestyle is a far cry from the Energizer bunny. Essentially he has to enter a torpor state in sleep so he doesn’t succumb to his own starvation diet. Not every time, but when the temperature drops or food is scarce.
A hummingbird in torpor may, by all accounts, appear dead. He can be frozen in place, his tiny feet clasped rigidly around a branch as if rigor mortis has sunk in. He can be cold to the touch and unresponsive. He can face upwards, unmoving, breathing and heart rate slowed to near indiscernibility. He can even be hanging upside down, oblivious to the world. In fact, the hummer’s heart rate can reduce to almost one tenth of his waking state, and his temperature can drop by ~5o degrees Fahrenheit (~ 30 degrees Celsius).
Miracle Mavericks
Honestly, as shown in this article on Journey North, this ability to exercise such fine control over metabolic rate on a nightly cycle makes the hummingbirds more marvelous than terrifying, switching between cold- and warm-blooded. And they are very well-adapted to their eating regimens, especially given their diminutive size. But such is the cost of burning so much energy to keep going without much room to store fuel. Like I said, a strict starvation diet.
If you’ve enjoyed this segment of Nightmarish Nature, feel free to check out some previous here:
This time on Nightmarish Nature, in honor of Thanksgiving, we’re exploring scads of scat! And not just because of the aftermath of all that eating we’re going to be doing, given that everything that goes in must come out eventually. But because turkeys are weird.
But, how weird?
Apparently, the shape and size of a turkey’s poop can tell you the sex and age of the bird. Male and female birds poop different shaped turds, and bigger ones with age. Your poop can’t do that, we’re pretty sure. And no, we don’t want to check, even if it does come in a whole host of rainbow colors with all the dyes in our food nowadays. Keep your weird quirks to yourself.
Fecal Fetishes
Vultures have very acidic scat that helps to keep their feet and food clean of bacteria from hopping in and around dead things. Somehow, this doesn’t seem like a step up to us, but I guess if you’re a carrion crawler you take what you can get. At least you’d know where it’s been I suppose, and that’s more than you can say for some of your long dead food sources…
Rabbits must process their food twice in order to break down the grassy matter they digest (like cows chewing cud). And so they eat their own partially digested matter, the cecotropes they produce after the first digestion. This isn’t true poop per se, that fecal matter comes after second digestion, but it does work its way through the same way.
And that brings us to koalas. They are one of only a few mammals that can eat eucalyptus leaves (and are closely related to wombats, one of the other two). Koala offspring eat their mother’s pap, which is a specialized form of poop that allows the baby to transition from nursing milk to eating solid leaves. It is green, smeary, mushy, and can get everywhere. Just like you’d expect.
We aren’t exempt.
For all that we have learned to be poop averse, a lot of animals eat others’ scat and glean a lot of nutritional value from their detritus. It’s not just your dog raiding the cat litter box and then licking you in the face. And we humans have even fought wars over rights to seabird guano, which was used as a form of fertilizer in the late 1800s.
Anyway, that’s the scoop on poop for now. Maybe we’ll revisit this load later on, seeing as how there’s still plenty of content here.
If you’ve enjoyed this segment of Nightmarish Nature, feel free to check out some previous here:
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Nicole Luttrell
August 14, 2020 at 9:18 am
When, and I do mean when your house gets haunted bringing all that shit in there, let me know.