Up-Scare Re-sale: 6 Strange and Horrific Things For Sale
Welcome back to the virtual garage sales of horrors, where the items are ridiculously overpriced but the nightmares are free!
As I said in the last edition, there are a lot of classic stories that start as a re-selling of something. An object that passes hands from one sorry soul to the next, the new victim unwitting of the danger they’ve just accepted with a few quick bucks. Don’t buy dolls from creepy dudes off the street. Buy them instead through your local re-sale app!
There’s a plethora of killer kitsch, abnormal antiques, and just plain weird shit that people are positive that you’ll want haunting up your place. Whether it’s odd, old, gross, or weird, here’s six horrific things that could be in my house right now if I gave up the cash:
6) Vintage Christmas Santa ::heart-eyes emoji:: – Price: $30
It’s Christmas in…well, August now. There’s a few issues I have with this one that I’ll get into in a hot second. First, let’s gaze into this “vintage” monstrosity.
Okay, first let’s talk about the obvious…red. ALL red. Not his nose “like a cherry”, the whole amorphous T-1000 gel of a Santa is red, apart from his white trimmings and beard, and black boots. As we begin to take it all in, we realize the awkwardly shoved trophy glued into his hands and finally notice that our eyeless Santa is a literal trophy.
And no one could be prouder of this baby boy than Santa, clearly.
Apart from that, you’re to hang this on the tree with that meat hanger of a hook up top that will probably not cause any kind of tetanus strain from the 1950’s.
For $30, you can celebrate any baby boy in your life, as long as he’s the World’s Greatest…
How much I’d actually want it: 1/5
How obliging my glorious spouse would be to have this in our home: 4/5 (it only comes one time of year – zing!)
5) Kurdt …? $27
I believe that this one is a puzzle or is cursed, so let’s be cautious not say its name three times.
So, not even the person selling it has any advice or description to encapsulate Kurdt. Is it a dog with a halo? A werewolf with an unfinished sombrero? Perhaps an undecipherable code from the Vatican or extraterrestrials (just kidding, they play for the same team).
Whatever it is, it’s a conversation starter for the low price of $27! Maybe you and your guests can finally unravel the mystery and put the sweet spirit of Kurdt back to rest–
Oh God, it’s been activated!!!
4) Clown Tape Holder $5
Picture this: you love clowns. You cannot and will not get enough of them. You would marry every embodiment of a clown if it were feasible, legal, and fiscally responsible. You want them everywhere in your life and then one fateful day you spot this happy little chap.
Look at him playfully kicking up his feet like a lazy teenager, smiling away the hours. Delightful fool!
But...sigh…you already have so many. How could you justify bringing one more happy, horrific joyful painted face into your world? If only it served another purpose!!!
But what’s this???!
Yes! You can pull tape from his threadbare, gaping anal cavity! What a delight!
Someone had you in mind when specifically hand-crafting this clown tape dispenser. Now you can pull out sticky strips of off-brand tape from his behind to your heart’s content while staring, lovingly, into his cold, dead eyes.
A happy ending for all, indeed.
How much I’d actually want it: 1/5 (f*** clowns, man)
How obliging my glorious spouse would be to have this in our home: 4/5 (small and practical)
3) Jesus Porcelain Doll for Repair. Inspirational Collectable – Price: $60
Sure, you may have a vintage inspirational creepy portrait of Christ, but what if you need a little extra push for that holier-than-thou war you’ve got with Helen from across the street? You know, Helen, with her antique claw-foot Bathtub Madonna. Yes, you need an inspirationally creepy edge, too, and this is just the ticket.
The description post also rings inspirational and not at all like something found written in a serial killer’s notebook,
“Let the little children come Titus Tomesco mohair. Broken shoulder plate back portion. Otherwise good clean condition. Non smoking, pet free home. 15” from head to kneeling position, 19” overall. Comes dressed in shroud, garment, robe.”
There’s only one picture to encompass all of his Pantene Pro-V tresses and…off-putting ceramic beard, so there’s not much to work with. We do not get to see his “shroud, garment, robe”, nor his kneeling position. And for a broken Jesus doll that’s worth $60, I want to at least see the whole kit and caboodle.
How much I’d actually want it: 2/5 (I’m good)
How obliging my glorious spouse would be to have this in our home: 1/5 (doesn’t like hairy dudes, sorry)
2) Heather Doll – Price $50
“Clowns and dolls”, as grandpappy used to say before jamming more slugs into his double-barreled shotgun, “that’s what will destroy us if we don’t watch out.”
So, this doozy of a doll is guaranteed safe, though. Just look at her:
As the description says, “A fine porcelain doll sculpted by Jake Grobben. Box is a bit tattered, but doll has never been taken out.”
It shows.
Yes, folks, you can sleep easy knowing this Squawky Tina has been locked into the box for maximum security. No demon-dolling around at night for her!
A fine, protective mesh encompasses her head to eradicate any eye beams or net any fangs. Her hands have been bound tightly at her sides under thick pads of gauze. Her neck is encapsulated and weighted to the box, but her eyes still spark defiance and a little head-tilt that edges a dangerous dare to let her out…
She even comes with official papers, letting you know how many people have succumbed to her porcelain clutches. Heck, she even arrives with a flower to place on your grave. Forward-thinking!
How much I’d actually want it: 3/5 (I’m up for a challenge)
How obliging my glorious spouse would be to have this in our home: 2/5 (“You’d take it out of the box, right?”)
1) Authentic Mexican Masks – Prices Vary
HO.
LY.
SHEEEEEEET.
I’ve hit the mother-lode. Sweet baby Huitzilopochtli, LOOK AT THOSE!!!
I mean…
Do I even need to say anything? The ad lists that there are over 50 masks in varying prices, and are “like new” from Mexico. Barely any blood from the last victims on them at all!
How much I’d actually want it: 5/5 (did you look at the pictures???)
How obliging my glorious spouse would be to have this in our home: 4/5 (“I’m not driving there and they’re weird, but you can put up whatever you want in your study.”)
So…guess who drove an hour one way to get a mask?
Pfft, not me……….
I drove it to get two masks!
That’s right. Something in the Virtual Garage Sale of Horrors caught my eye and I gave up my human money for their beautiful charm. Are they haunted by Mexican ghosts? Only time will tell…
Yeah yeah, the insects tend to get ALL the attention here on Nightmarish Nature. But honestly, this one takes the beefcake. It’s the New World Screwworm Fly, and it’s as terrifying as the name suggests. And they aren’t limited to the Americas, there is an Old World version as well, as they can be found pretty much anywhere tropical or seasonably suited.
Revolting Little Buggers
The Screwworm Fly is a parasitic fly larvae that burrows into its host to feed, named because it seems to screw deeper and deeper into the flesh over time. This process is called myiasis and do NOT look it up online, you WILL regret it. They blur those images out for very valid reasons, trust me (and not because of pornographic content). And these maggots will continue to burrow en masse, rather than staying put as a botfly larvae would.
Do Not Do an Image Search on Screwworm Myiasis, Like Seriously – You Will NEVER Unsee That
The female Screwworm fly lays her eggs on an open wound or orifice of her chosen host… And not just one egg or a couple of eggs, no – hundreds, even thousands of them. Let’s let that sink in a bit, shall we? Or screw in as it were. Although any warm-blooded animal is a prime target, cattle are a fly favorite, costing millions of head of cattle to this sick and disgusting horror annually. And if beef isn’t on the menu, Fido or even yourself might be.
The Great American Worm Wall
In fact, this particular feature here on Nightmarish Nature is so terrifying that the United States has made agreements with all of Central America, even including countries that do not generally share its interests, in order to create a “Great American Worm Wall” to prevent them from spreading back into the United States. I’m not going to go into all of the creepy and juicy details of this bizarre science fiction freak fact, you’ll just have to watch it here on Half As Interesting’s YouTube channel.
Essentially, the Worm Wall is a complicated byproduct of scientists studying radioactivity on the flies’ maturity as well as the flies’ sexual lives and using this information against them to nearly eradicate the species and banish it from much of its former range. So, Peter Parker, if you thought everyone was messing with your love life before, be glad you weren’t bitten by a radioactive Screwworm.
If you’ve enjoyed this segment of Nightmarish Nature, feel free to check out some previous here:
You’ve almost made it to the end of the finger spiders here at Haunted MTL! Because I made A LOT of unfulfilled requests for a spider out of fingers, I will continue this snarky little AI art series with NightCafe and Canva through the month of September… In case you missed out, here are the other parts of this series:
Images: Overall design aesthetic of fashion / design advertising spread in muted tones with four AI art rendered images of spiders, built spiders, and spiders on hands, with any given number of legs on spiders and fingers on hands as you’d expect from AI interfacing at this time. Prompts used from top left to lower right include: hand that is a spider; spider legs as fingers; fingers becoming spider; spider all fingers.
Text reads: Creepy Crawlies Finger Spiders Keep Trying! Yeah, I’m sure you don’t remember being bitten. Because of the ways they warp time and space, and the natural chemical reactions involved, the AI art generated finger spiders’ bite isn’t typically felt. They are still attached to you, feeding… You have to get them off… Keep trying!
Images: Overall design aesthetic of fashion / design advertising spread in muted tones with four AI art rendered images of spiders, built spiders, and spiders on hands, with any given number of legs on spiders and fingers on hands as you’d expect from AI interfacing at this time. Prompts used from top left to lower right include: spider leg fingers; spider made out of hand fingers; hand spider picking banjo; fingers as spider playing banjo.
Text reads: Creepy Crawlies Finger Spiders That’s All Folks! Well, I guess that’s that then. It’s been nice knowing you. Enjoy your new form. Nothing left for it but to play the banjo…
All of the AI art images used in this series were generated on Thursday, June 13, 2024. If you want to see more freaky spiderness in art here on Haunted MTL, check out Bitten and Soul Catcher. More AI art graphic narratives from Jennifer Weigel have explored Little Red Riding Hood and Into the Deep Woods. Oh, and the Tiny Brain Computers exploration. To see more such devolutions into AI generated art, check out the Will the Real Jennifer Weigel Please Stand Up? blog.
We just can’t get enough of spiders here on Nightmarish Nature… so here are some more creepy spider facts for you to consider, outside of the giants, eating and mating habits, and wasp predation as previously mentioned in this series. Plus the finger spiders have taken over the whole of the month of September, so strap in because they’re here too – no goofy drawings this month just more terror unleashed in the form of AI art, courtesy of NightCafe.
Spiders Are Baby Mama Machines!
Spiders can lay hundreds and thousands of eggs in their egg sacs at a time. And when they hatch, all those tiny baby spiders can balloon, flying to new homes on airborne strands of silk as if raining from the sky… So if you suffer from trypophobia and are weirded out by large quantities of clustered small and tiny objects (especially when they are alive and moving) you may want to steer clear of these little bug bombs.
Spiders Are Athletic Archdukes!
Jumping spiders can leap as far as 40 times their body length. And wolf spiders can run up to 2 feet per second. In movement, spiders have four feet on the ground and four in the air at all times. And they have six knees on each leg for a total of 48 knees – that’s a lot of potential kneecapping, I’d try to take them down a different way if I were you…
Other Interesting Factoids
Spiders are on every continent except Antarctica and there are over 40,000 identified species of them. All spiders produce silk for all that they don’t all make webs, since some prefer to live on the move or ambush from hidey holes. There is a known species of herbivorous spider, the Bagheera Kiplingi, but most are carnivorous or omnivorous. And the longest lived spiders can survive for 40+ years.
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Nicole Luttrell
August 14, 2020 at 9:18 am
When, and I do mean when your house gets haunted bringing all that shit in there, let me know.