The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs: Creepy Christmas Special
The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs returned for its annual Christmas special on December 15th. As is tradition, the episode also serves as a charity fundraiser for four different charities. Special guest Robin Sydney joins Joe Bob and Darcy the Mail Girl for added late night entertainment. The Drive-In is available on AMC+ and Shudder.
This week on The Last Drive-In, the holiday spirit is in full force as Joe Bob and Darcy return to the screen to present their annual Christmas special / charity auction fundraiser. Cozied up next to a fireplace and in a blanket draped armchair, Joe Bob presents Edward Hunt’s The Brain (1988) and Charles Band’s The Gingerdead Man (2005).
Is this PBS?
Creepy Christmas opens ala Masterpiece Theater, with a soft spoken Joe Bob in a smoking jacket welcoming us into the studio. As he gently drones on, Darcy can’t help but interrupt. “Sir, what are you doing?” Turns out, Joe Bob is “trying to give the Christmas special a little class.” Points for effort.
As he transitions into his annual Christmas speech, his Masterpiece Theater persona drops away. “Once again, not a good year.” After getting sidetracked into a rant about mass-prescribing Floridians xanax, he eventually makes his way around to his main point. Speaking about Jaques from Shakespeare’s As You Like It, Joe Bob reminds us “It’s easier to be [a troll] than seek acceptance.” He goes on to say we should forgive and forget what the haters have to say because they “need the love more.”
Joe Bob’s desire for us all to come together and join hands around the Christmas tree singing forgiveness like those in Whoville forgiving the Grinch is understandable. It’s also probably easier to espouse this rhetoric because he does not (as far as I know) belong to any of the marginalized groups who have seen a disgusting ramp up in violent words and actions in the past year. The responsibility of reconciliation should never be placed on those who have been deeply wounded by another person’s actions.
It’s certainly not praxis
Despite my objections to the message on a praxis level, Joe Bob clearly feels strongly about forgiving and forgetting. He gets choked up and yells out “FUCK,” before taking a swig of brandy. Steadying himself, he goes on to introduce the various charities that are being supported throughout the night: The Wildlife Conservation Network, Every Mother Counts, Paralyzed Veterans of America and Solving Kids’ Cancer.
Moving onto the first movie of the night, Joe Bob reminds us, “There is no such thing as a nice disembodied brain.”
It’s Alive!
The Brain (1988) is about the mad scientist Dr. Blakely (David Gale) using an alien creature called The Brain to hypnotize and brainwash the masses through his TV show Independent Thinking. When a teenage boy named Jim (Tom Bresnahan) refuses to be programmed, he becomes determined to expose the plan for world domination.
The Drive-In totals include but are not limited to: 1 giant brain in a vat, tentacle stabbing, computer screen brain-nagging, bleeding milk tanks, chainsaw to the crotch, gratuitous beefcake photos, and brain wave fu. “Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.”
Oh, Santa John
As Joe Bob attempts to give information on director Edward Hunt, Santa Claus (John Brennan) tumbles down the chimney to announce the first two auction items of the night. His appearance brings laughter from the set and slight annoyance from Joe Bob. Auction items this year are a mix of memorabilia, merch and in-person experiences.
Interruption over – Joe Bob gets right back into the history of the movie. It isn’t a holiday special until we learn about a tragic, real life death – and this one is no exception. The deal for the film’s distribution to video stores was made with the head of Live Entertainment, José Menéndez (the father and victim of the Menéndez brothers).
Christmas connections
This film also has a connection to last year’s Christmas special through George Buza, who Joe Bob calls “the hardest working character actor in Canada.” Buza plays the character of Santa Claus in A Christmas Horror Story (2015). In The Brain, he plays the beefed up assistant to Dr. Blakely.
Santa John continually interrupts Joe Bob’s segments to announce more auction items, with increasing levels of irritation from our host. He takes to calling our host Joseph Robert Briggs and I can’t help but laugh each time. Despite the interruptions, Joe Bob powers through to give the audience background information.
He credits the creation of “the brain” genre of movies with Curt Siodmak’s 1942 novel Donovan’s Brain. According to Joe Bob, there are four specific sub-genres of brain movies: 1) I’m in love with the damaged brain, 2) whoops, didn’t mean to piss off the brain, 3) they saved Hitler’s brain, and 4) brains from outer space. He adds the caveat that there are two other sub-genres but they do not fit in with the drive-in exploitation genres: brain damage rocks and I’m in love with a funky brain.
As the movie ends, Darcy espouses her love for it. It’s “so fun and the brain design is super cute.” I’m not sure that I would call the design cute by any measure of the word, but the movie is a fun romp.
My rating for The Brain:
(3.4 / 5)
Are these crimes, Kyla?
Our first piece of mail for the night comes from Kyla in Idalou, Texas. If you have no idea where that is, don’t worry. Joe Bob not only knows exactly where this small West Texas town is located, he also somehow knows what their highschool mascot is. Kyla writes a heartfelt and hilarious letter about potentially committing assault against a dead-beat stepdad who hated MonsterVision. Joe Bob has one response to her antics, “I love you!”
Don’t Santa, Open Inside
Slipping back into the Masterpiece Theater persona, Joe Bob introduces the second film of the night. The Gingerdead Man (2005) is a movie you either love or hate. It really seems like there is no middle ground for this one. Joe Bob talks about other movies he wishes he could have programmed for the special, like Lifetime’s Christmas on Wheels (2020). Darcy interrupts him and begs him to “stop saying things.”
Before the movie starts, we are treated to a quick lesson on “the vile satanic history of gingerbread,” from Joe Bob. As he delivers the lesson, Santa John slams back through the fireplace and Joe Bob chides him: “This is no longer funny or interesting nor even remotely polite.” Once Santa announces the auction item and blips back to the North Pole, Joe Bob finishes introducing the movie.
High in sugar, low in quality
The Gingerdead Man (2005) is about the spirit of killer Millard Findlemeyer (Gary Busey) possessing a giant gingerbread cookie to exact revenge on Sarah Leigh (Robin Sydney) for sending him to his execution.
Drive-In totals include but are not limited to: 2 mangled bodies, face whipping, and rolling pin fu. This movie actually has one of the shortest, if not the shortest, list of totals I’ve seen on The Drive-In. Joe Bob gives it three stars.
Pump up the energy
Robin Sydney is the guest for this special and she brings a much needed burst of energy into the second half. Joe Bob gets right to it with the interview questions and asks, “You actually met your husband during the filming of this movie, right?” She is, in fact, married to Charles Band. Their wedding was recent, and was officiated by Joe Bob himself. As she answers, it’s clear she is still rocking her honeymoon glow (despite having been engaged for 18 years.)
According to her, things were always “super profesh” on set. It wasn’t until the two began having business meetings to bring Sydney in to help with merchandise sales that the relationship turned romantic. As for the long delay between engagement and marriage? “I was, like, immature in my brain. But then, my brain got more mature-ish.” Sydney’s answer is hilarious and a little tongue-in-cheek. She has, after all, been running a toy company with her mother for decades.
As Joe Bob points out, The Gingerdead Man “barely qualified as a movie in Shudder terms,” due to its length. It is a quick watch (in the worst possible quality), which thankfully allows for more time with the hosts and Sydney.
Gary A-Busey?
The funniest part of the night comes when she and Joe Bob begin discussing Gary Busey. Sydney says that she only shot with him for one day. “I didn’t have to act at all that day. I was freaked out by Gary Busey!” Joe Bob cuts in to say that Busey owes him $900 and Darcy rolls her eyes. “Oh my god, he will not let this go.” I lose my shit entirely when Joe Bob recounts meeting Busey and him insisting Joe Bob feel the dent in his head. Apparently, “PTS-Gary” as Sydney puts it, is more common than I realized.
Santa John continues to interrupt the segments to announce auction items, except the booby trapped chimney forces him to use a door. Each entry he makes startles Sydney. I understand how filming The Gingerdead Man might have really scared her as she says.
Sales force
Sydney’s sales skills are in full force as she models different auction items. She shows off the Fright-Rags exclusive beanie and one of Joe Bob’s cowboy hats and blows the Walpurgisnacht horn. She and Charles Band also donated two collections to the auction. Sydney does a great job showing off the different items in the Full Moon Features gift set.
Before the movie ends with the slowest credits in cinema history, Joe Bob and Sydney talk about the movie’s reception at release. She understands the reviews and says about the movie, “There’s not much logic. There’s a lot of holes.” It is a very time and state-of-mind dependent movie. If you aren’t watching it late at night and a few substances deep, you probably won’t have as good of a time with it as I did.
My rating for The Gingerdead Man:
(2.3 / 5)
Cue the waterworks
The final piece of mail comes from Nick in Indianapolis (join us at a meetup next year, Nick!). Nick is a recent convert to the ways of Joe Bob, but reaches out for some good southern gothic recommendations. Joe Bob says Sling Blade (1996) is top tier in terms of movies, and Absalom, Absalom! by William Faulkner is the best novel representation of the genre.
Before the night ends, Brennan (no longer in character as Santa John) joins Joe Bob and Darcy on stage. He seems to be upset and says he felt like he was ruining Christmas. “I just wanted to have a good Christmas with you guys.” Joe Bob seems reticent as he allows Brennan to announce the final auction item of the night: Darcy’s tiara from her prom way back in season one.
The night ends with Joe Bob thanking the audience and saying how grateful he is for the community. “I have never in my life encountered such an amazingly supportive family of viewers.” He tears up and bemoans, “I do this every year.” Darcy replies, “Yes you do, you sentimental fuck.” At least he’s our sentimental fuck.
My rating for the special:
(5 / 5)
You can continue to bid on the charity auction items on the auction website: joebobscreepychristmas.com through the 25th of December.
Joe Bob wasn’t the only person in a charitable mood last Friday, as we gave away four different items to followers of our account on the platform formerly known as Twitter. @thedivebard won a Fright-Rags exclusive #JoeBobsCreepyChristmas t-shirt, @Chicago7Charlie won a physical copy of our anthology collection 101 Proof Horror, @KimberlyLuffman won an autographed copy of The Walking Dead Vol 1 HC, and @CapnCosmo won a copy of Eyes without a Face (The Criterion Collection) [Blu-ray].
The finale of American Horror Story Delicate aired last night. And if you were watching along with us on Threads, then you already know that it didn’t live up to any of my expectations.
Let’s discuss.
The story
We begin with Anna being ushered off stage and into an ambulance. Dex is there because Siobhan called him.
Once in the ambulance, though, the blood starts to spill. And it’s not just Anna’s. She soon finds herself in the clutches of the coven, giving birth in the most anxiety-inducing place possible. And when the baby is born, he’s taken away at once.
Because that’s the agreement that Anna made, without fully realizing what she was agreeing to.
If Anna’s going to get her baby back, she’s going to have to make another sacrifice. She is going to have to join the coven herself. Is she strong enough to do it? Is she strong enough to raise a monster?
What worked
This episode did have some fun elements. As a practicing witch myself, I appreciate the addition of Hestia in a positive light. Especially when this season was so focused on motherhood, womanhood, and sisterhood, Hestia was a lovely goddess to include.
For those who don’t know, Hestia is a goddess of the home and hearth, but not a maternal goddess. She was, in fact, a virgin goddess. So Adeline’s devotion to her made sense in a real-world witchcraft way. Adeline was supposed to be a symbol of female love and support. Including Hestia in this made that crystal clear.
This was made most clear with the behavior of Siobhan. She was a perfect example of a toxic person who uses sisterhood to use and manipulate others. This can be seen clearly in the flashback that begins this episode. We see Siobhan show kindness to Anna, who she wants to use while being cruel to the woman who shared her story at the start of the meeting. For Siobhan, kindness is a currency she spends to get something. And that is clear.
What didn’t work
Sadly, those two elements weren’t enough to save this episode. My first concern is that this ending had more holes in it than Swiss cheese.
This wasn’t just a matter of having questions left after the ending. These were elements that we should have seen and just didn’t. Why were the witches diluting and working with blood near the end of the episode? Why didn’t Dex Senior get what was coming to him? What the hell was with those pointed green heels? My largest question, however, is this.
Did Anna imagine all of this? Did any of it happen? We don’t know. Consider the ending. I don’t want to spoil too much of this, so I’ll only point out Anna’s gown. It’s bloody in one scene and newly clean the next. This is only the example I can share without spoiling the ending. But we have no proof that any of these things happened to her.
While it’s fine to leave some questions up to the viewer, there were too many here. Rather than feeling mysterious, it just felt incomplete. And seeing as how this episode was much shorter than a standard one, this could have easily been corrected.
I would also like to hold some space for how this season ruined the good message of the book Delicate Condition. This novel was bloody, gory, and disturbing. But it also had a beautiful message about sisterhood, and women supporting women through motherhood, career choices, and life in general. There is so much pure, sisterly love in that book.
This is entirely missing from this season. It’s often turned on its head, with women betraying each other for their own selfish desires. And honestly, I hated that.
Finally, this season finale is another example of an ending ruining a good season. AHS Delicate wasn’t without its charm. Some episodes were great fun. There were elements that I truly enjoyed as a horror fan, a witch and a woman. But this ending just soured everything good about the season. It spoiled all of the enjoyment I had. Much like Sabrina, Dexter, and the podcast Dolores Roach, the ending ruined everything that came before it.
In the end, this finale was disappointing. It didn’t deliver on its promises, it did a disservice to the source material, and it was poorly executed. This series is more than capable of better. Delicate Condition, the novel, deserved a better interpretation.
However, as a long-time fan, I can honestly say that in twelve years of content, I have genuinely disliked a season and a half of American Horror Story. This one, and the second half of Double Feature. So while AHS Delicate was a disappointment, I am looking forward to season thirteen. In the meantime, I’m going to rewatch Coven and look forward to better stories to come.
(2 / 5)
Episode three of Amazon Prime’s Fallout continued the themes we’ve seen so far, with an added twist. With comedy and gore already blending, the story has added an air of tragic history for one of its least cuddly characters.
Let’s discuss.
The story
Our story starts with a flashback to before the bombs dropped. We see Coop, filming a movie. His wife is on set as well, and their adorable daughter. Coop has a comfortable life with a family he loves.
Isn’t that just a knife in the heart?
Back in the present, Lucy is traveling through the wastelands with the head of Wilzig. And she’s doing so with the same fear and joy that we’ve seen from her so far. Until that is, she runs into a Gulper. And after eating a defenseless deer, it swallowed up the head.
Eventually, The Ghoul catches up with Lucy and decides to capture her. After using her as bait, he decides to drag her along with him.
Meanwhile, Maximus gets a message from the Brotherhood of Steel. Rather than coming clean, he claims to be Knight Titus and is accidentally sent a new Squire. That squire is Thaddeus, one of Maximus’s bullies from the base. And Maximus wastes no time in taking some sweet, sweet revenge.
Finally, we return to Vault 33. The vault is healing from the Raider attack and the loss of Lucy. Norm and Chet are being punished for letting Lucy leave, by being fired from their jobs. This throws Chet because he had a cool job.
Norm, on the other hand, didn’t like his job. He didn’t like any job. So, since this is the only way anyone gets punishments in the vault, he’s given the task of feeding the Raiders.
And talking to the Raiders was maybe not a healthy thing for Norm to be doing. He might learn something he didn’t want to know.
What worked
The first thing I have to talk about is the massive creature called The Gulper.
This thing was fascinating. It was voracious, fast, and horrifying to look like. It was like a giant axolotl from Hell, with human fingers lining its whole mouth and throat. Why did it need fingers lining its mouth and throat? The better to drag someone down its throat and into its stomach. And the better to drag itself into my nightmares. This creature was well done.
On the flip side of this, I love the fact that the people of Vault 33 are so kind. They’re so willing to forgive, willing to care for their fellow man even when their fellow man is trying to kill them.
I don’t trust it, to be clear. But the perceived kindness from these people is uplifting. And I’m sure it will make whatever is going to eventually happen to them all the worse.
Of course, I can’t talk about the goodness of the vault dwellers without talking about the absolute horribleness of The Ghoul. The Ghoul is not a good person. He is cruel, and selfish, and clearly dislikes Lucy for some reason we do not yet know, and is probably not her fault.
But we kind of understand how he got that way, don’t we? During the flashbacks, we see that he’s lost his wife and daughter. We also see that he was used as a mascot for the very company that created the vaults. And, while we don’t have any concrete proof yet, we can probably guess that these are not the good guys. Even if we haven’t played the games, anyone who’s even slightly genre-savvy can already guess that.
Which is the last thing I want to bring up here.
We know something stinks with the vaults. Something beyond the obvious issues of wealth disparities and the people left outside to die while those who could afford a Vault spot were saved. Something is rotten with the vaults, we all know this. What we don’t know is what form this rot will take.
Not yet.
What didn’t work
Now, I wish I could say this was a perfect episode. But sadly, it wasn’t. And my biggest issue with the episode is with the character Maximus.
Now, I love Maximus. He wants to do good things in the world. He’s the underdog, and who doesn’t love that? He’s honorable and believes in the organization he belongs to.
I don’t love that he cannot do anything right. It feels like he wins fights by falling over and tripping into succeeding. And this character deserves so much more than that. Can we please, just once, see him be good at something or make a sound decision?
All that being said, this was still a fun episode. It was funny and bright, with an ominous feel and a horrific finger-ridden monster. I had a great time with it.
(4 / 5)
Last night’s episode of American Horror Story Delicate was wild. From its star-studded start to its powerfully quiet finish, I was enthralled through every moment.
Let’s discuss.
The story
We begin this episode at the funeral of Dex’s mom. While he’s giving a eulogy, which was very nice, Ms. Preecher walks in. She shouts to the room that Virginia didn’t commit suicide, she was murdered. She also tells Dex to listen to his wife.
What a concept!
Touched by this, or maybe just curious, Anna goes to the hospital to check on Preecher. She falls asleep at the hospital. When she wakes up, Preecher is gone. A nurse says that she was discharged to a group of women.
While at the hospital, Anna also discovers that she’s been nominated for best actress.
At a publicity event for the awards, Anna runs into Cora. And she sees the coat she remembers from her late-night visit near the start of her pregnancy.
With the slightest amount of pressure, Cora spills it all. She and Dex have been having an affair, and Cora was trying to sabotage Anna’s pregnancy. So Anna, channeling her inner Madison Montgomery, kicks him out and heads to the awards ceremony with Siobhan.
There, Siobhan asks her if she wants an Oscar more than anything. If she’d be willing to give up anything for it.
And Anna says yes.
The bargain is then sealed with a kiss.
What worked
I’d like to begin, paradoxically, at the end of the episode. We’ve seen Anna have some terrible, loud, frightening hallucinations in this season. At least, we assume they’re hallucinations. But this one wasn’t loud. It was, in fact, very quiet. Anna is led off stage, without a word, leaving nothing but a puddle of blood behind.
In horror, like in all art, the notes you don’t play are as important as the ones you do. And the notes that weren’t played her rang like a bell.
I also appreciated that this episode describes why being a celebrity would be a huge pain in the ass. Imagine going to an event where the whole purpose is for people to take pictures of you while holding their product. Imagine if they invaded your personal space, sprayed things on you, put things over your eyes, and you were expected to smile and pose.
I don’t know what it is about being a celebrity that makes others feel entitled to a person. To talk with them, take their time, and share in their moments. To touch them without consent. Yes, there are way worse things happening to people. But this isn’t a great way to live. It’s no wonder so many of them go nuts. This is most clearly shown in the scene when Anna is sitting next to Preecher’s bed. She wakes up to find the older woman gone. But all anyone wants to talk about is how she was just nominated for an Oscar. At that moment, she doesn’t give a damn. She cares about this kind woman, and where she’s gone. Just like any other person.
Finally, I appreciated that this season didn’t do what so many AHS seasons do. Which is to say that this episode didn’t feel like the last episode. It felt like the penultimate episode. It felt like there was still more story to tell, not just loose ends to be wrapped up. I appreciate that the writers have finally learned that lesson.
For this season, at least.
What didn’t work
The first thing that bothered me in this episode was Cora’s confession. I said something about this during our live-watch event on Threads. (Join us next week for the finale. Bring popcorn and wine.)
I don’t believe Cora’s confession. I further don’t believe that she just dumped all of this incriminating info on Anna with no more prompting than a wide-eyed look. There was just no reason for it. So, Anna saw her coat? Lots of people have similar coats. This feels fake, and she brought no receipts.
I also found Siobhan’s behavior confusing. At times she seems genuinely concerned for Anna’s wellbeing. At other times, she is more than willing to let her suffer and risk her pregnancy.
While this has been going on all season, it was happening every few minutes in this one. Either Siobhan cares about the welfare of that fetus, or she doesn’t. But she needs to pick a lane.
All in all, I don’t know what to expect from next week’s season finale. Anna has her Oscar, but now she might lose her baby. She might also get sucked into some horrible cult and experience a bad death. We won’t know until next week.
See you then.
(4 / 5)
