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Patricia Wants to Cuddle by Samantha Allen is a queer summer thriller for the ages. Released by the New York publishing company Zando in June 2022, Allens novel debut is a goofy, sympathetic tale of womanhood and body autonomy. It is guaranteed to make your jaw drop and keep you on your toes until the very last page.

The Final Four: A Synopsis

Our story begins with four contestants on a Bachelor-esqe show called The Catch. Women with varied intentions are competing for the proposal of of sleazy tech tycoon Jeremy. They are filming the latest episode on Otters Island, a once famous tourist attraction in the Pacific Northwest that now rarely receives visitors. The women competing for Jeremy’s hand in marriage are Amanda, Renee, Vanessa and Lilah-Mae, and they couldn’t be more different from each other or the island’s residents.

Samantha Allen, author of Patricia Wants to Cuddle
Samantha Allen, author of Patricia Wants to Cuddle
Photo Source: Crosscut

The Catch producers have found a nice bed and breakfast owned by a long-time local named Maggie Davies, but right away things go awry. A hairy giant local named Patricia lurks around the island, taunting the cast and crew. When one of the contestants disappears, shit hits the fan and it is every person for themselves. All is fair in love and bloodshed on The Catch.

It’s Patricia’s World, We’re All Just Living In It: An Overview

Allen’s voice shines in this novel. She uses various forms of narration; each chapter is from a different woman’s point of view, and there are various side dialogues to fill in the plot from an online chat forum dedicated to The Catch, a blog by a woman whose sister went missing at Otter’s Island, and a series of love letters by a singular author. Her vivid imagery transport you to the Pacific Northwest, and it feels like you are on this chaotic adventure on The Catch. Queer representation is also pivotal in the novel, as most of the characters are lesbian or bisexual, and Allen approaches this topic refreshingly. Additionally, her combination of reality TV show and slasher movie tropes is so successful in that it is simultaneously hilarious, cringeworthy and gruesome. It is like an eloquent depiction of a train wreck you can’t look away from.

The Verdict

Patricia Wants to Cuddle is a unique and beautifully written queer horror novel that provides a new take on the story of Sasquatch. The characters are very flawed yet lovable, perhaps because they are all well aware of their flaws (well, most of them are, at least). This book was hilarious and delightful as well as creepy and sophisticated; a truly essential read this summer.

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5 out of 5 stars (5 / 5)

You know you wanna read Patricia Wants to Cuddle, so grab a copy for yourself and your friends down below!

And don’t forget to check out what else we’re reading here at Haunted MTL.

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Book Reviews

Depression + Apocalype = ?: This Is Not a Test Book Review 

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I always had a fascination for horror that explores real-life themes against a supernatural backdrop. Courtney Summers is a very versatile author. Her work ranges from horrors of girlhood to cult thrillers to mixed media ventures. This Is Not a Test was published in 2012 and focuses on a group of teenagers amid a zombie apocalypse. As basic as that description sounds, it is so much more than that and you’ll see why soon. Let’s begin! 

Plot

We begin the story with our protagonist Sloane Price. She suffers from extreme depression and suicidal tendencies as a result of her mother’s death and her father’s subsequent abuse. She is at rock bottom when the action kicks off and observes the end of the world quite nonchalantly. This angle is uncommon in apocalyptic media as we usually see forefront characters who have a lot to live for and go to great lengths to find safety. Sloane not only doesn’t want to live anymore herself but is also putting the others in jeopardy because of it. 

The other characters in This Is Not a Test are fellow teenagers from Sloane’s school. While they are more archetypical, their dynamics provide the right atmosphere to the story. You have Rhys, the popular playboy type who pursues a doomed romance with Sloane. You also have Grace and Trace, the good-nature twins, Cary, the self-appointed leader and Harrison, the baby of the group. In true teenager fashion, there is a lot of bickering and pettiness as they struggle to navigate the situation. Then again, who can blame them? 

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Sloane never quite lets go of her depressive ideation throughout the novel, however, she does learn to see the meaning in life again through her connections with others. Unfortunately, in a true horror fashion, the characters start dropping off one by one. It’s effective as the story draws you in showing why you should care for these characters before ripping them away from you. It’s quite tragic when you think about it – finding a new purpose in life and then losing it because of your circumstances. The deaths of the characters are also quite gory considering technically this falls under YA age bracket. 

Overall thoughts

There is a lot of ground to cover when it comes to This Is Not a Test. The mental health representation is brilliantly executed, however, that doesn’t mean the novel doesn’t have genre-appropriate atmosphere and scares. The character dynamics definitely betray that this is a YA book, however the writing doesn’t feel juvenile. Overall, it’s definitely one of the books that stuck with me the most out of any in the genre. Considering I read it nearly ten years ago, it’s clearly a sign of its impact. 

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Book Reviews

What Feasts at Night: An amble through Romanian folklore.

“Salt on the floor, threads on the walls, and iron under the pillow.”

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Sword Soldier 2: What Feasts at Night, a review.

Published in February 2024, What Feasts at Night is the second book in T. Kingfisher’s Sworn Soldier duology. If you’re curious, you can find my review of the first installment, What Moves the Dead – a chilling reimagining of Poe’s The Fall of the House of Usherhere.

What Feasts at Night into Romanian folklore, weaving a tale that grapples with PTSD and the enduring impact of trauma, or what our main character calls ‘soldier’s heart’.

The Plot.

In What Feasts at Night, Alex Easton returns from his unsettling encounter with the Ushers and sets his sights on a quiet retreat to his Galacian cottage. Accompanied by his loyal companion, Angus, and his faithful steed Hob, he arrives to find the caretaker mysteriously deceased and the local villagers shrouded in fear and silence. Undeterred, Alex presses on, enlisting the aid of the superstitious Widow Botezatu to prepare his home for the arrival of his friend, Eugenia Potter.

As the story moves forward, the tranquility of the cottage is disrupted, and a sinister presence begins to cast its shadow. The Widow Botezatu’s son, Bors, begins to exhibit the same disturbing symptoms that the deceased caretakers suffered through. According to his mother, these symptoms align with the terrifying legend of the moroi.

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Highlights.

Including the traditional Romanian folklore was a real highlight of this story. This is not limited to the presence of the shape-shifting, nocturnal moroi. Kingfisher has also included various superstitions from this region believed to ward off evil, such as weaving red thread and placing knives beneath pillows.

As a sworn soldier, Alex Easton has played his part in many wars. Kingfisher mentioned ‘soldier’s heart’ briefly in What Moves the Dead, in this installation we are able to see how this trauma response affects Alex. There is a beautiful insight into trauma that should not be left out of any review of this book.

“I sometimes think the fundamental disconnect with civilians is that they think the war is an event, something neatly bound on either end by dates. What anyone who’s lived through one can tell you is it’s actually a place. You’re there and then you leave, but places don’t stop existing just because you aren’t looking at them. The war’s still there. I don’t live in it anymore, but it’s right over there, just on the other side of… I don’t know.” (87)

Drawbacks.

In comparison with the first installment of this series, What Feasts at Night lacked peaks and troughs, feeling like a slow and steady amble to the final scenes. Although Kingfisher manages to pack her pages with atmosphere and a sense of foreboding, there is a lack of solid action here until the last few pages of the story. For those who enjoy a slow burn, this will not necessarily be a drawback, but I have grown to expect a certain level of movement from Kingfisher’s stories and found it was missing here.

The Final Take.

My love of T Kingfisher is no secret. I find her stories engaging, atmospheric and generally a little brain bending. However, What Feasts in the Night is perhaps my least favourite of those I have read. The plot was a little slow and the characters lack luster. I did still enjoy this story, in particular Kingfishers take on PTSD. I cannot say that this is an original idea but traumatic experience as a place rather than a time period is one that really makes sense to me.

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There are whispers that suggest this series might grow into a trilogy next year. I, for one, am looking forward to seeing what kind of trouble Alex Easton gets into next. 3 out of 5 stars (3 / 5)

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Book Reviews

What Moves the Dead gives depth to Poe’s most famous tale.

“The dead don’t walk. Except, sometimes, when they do.”

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The first of T. Kingfisher’s Sworn Soldier duology, What Moves the Dead was published in July 2022. Shortly after the novella won the 2023 Locus Award for Best Horror Novel and was nominated for the 2023 Hugo Award for Best Novella, this story is Kingfisher’s version of Edgar Allan Poe’s ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’. It offers depth and insight into the original characters and plot of Poe’s short story.

The Plot.

What Moves the Dead is a modern reimagining of Edgar Allan Poe’s classic tale, “The Fall of the House of Usher.”
The story follows Alex Easton, a sworn soldier who receives a disturbing letter from the sister of his childhood friend. Summoned to the isolated Usher mansion, Alex finds the once-grand house in a state of decay. This mirrors the deteriorating health of its inhabitants, Roderick and his twin sister, Madeline.
As Alex delves deeper into the unsettling atmosphere of the mansion, he encounters a series of inexplicable occurrences. Strange noises echo through the halls, eerie lights flicker in the darkness, and wildlife in the surrounding environment does not act as it should. As Madeline’s condition worsens, Alex begins to question the nature of the mysterious illness afflicting the family. Is it a physical malady, or something far more sinister?

Highlights.

Although What Moves the Dead follows the same storyline as ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’, Kingfisher’s version has the advantage of length. As she says in her author’s note, Poe’s story is just too short. Kingfisher names previously unnamed characters and provides them with more complete personalities. We get dialogue from Madeline and the doctor which offers answers and reasoning for the mysterious illness that the Usher twins are suffering from.

What Moves the Dead also provides a much more thorough description of the house and the surrounding natural environment. This becomes important in the identification of the Usher’s illness. We are also gifted an extra character, one Miss Potter, who definitively identifies herself as the aunt of the great Beatrix Potter who was known to be interested in mycology- the study of fungi.

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Drawbacks.

 In Kingfisher’s fictional country,Ruritania, the local language uses over 7 pronouns (ta, tha, than, var, ka, kan, va, van). Some of these are used only for sworn soldiers, others as a gender-neutral way to refer to children. A lot of time is spent explaining these and the reasoning behind each. I enjoyed reading this, but then was disappointed when none of these pronouns were really used in the book itself. The time that Kingfisher spent setting this up, I thought it would be a larger part of the story, but it had no bearing on the story at all.

The Final Take.

Is it wrong to consider a retelling or adaptation superior to a classic? I don’t have an answer for that. However, Kingfisher had gone above and beyond Poe’s original story, providing depth and insight where Poe only left questions. I will never eat mushrooms (in particular the long thready Enoki mushroom) again with complete peace of mind. I look forward to reviewing the second book in this series, What Feasts at Night. 4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

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