I’ve just finished watching the sixth episode of season three of American Horror Stories, titled Clone. In which a young man has to live with the clone of his lover after said lover has health complications. And, well, that’s 47 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
The story
Our story begins with a quiet birthday celebration between our two main characters, John and David. David is a billionaire who’s getting on in years. He’s frustrated by what he perceives to be a lack of drive in his younger partner. But when David has a stroke and needs to seek serious medical care, he sends a clone of himself to keep John company.
At first, John is incredibly put off by the clone. Until he realizes that the clone might just be the real love of his life.
What worked
This wasn’t a completely terrible episode. There was a lot about the premise that I enjoyed.
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Most of the tension in this episode comes from John feeling like he isn’t in control of his life. He feels, rightfully so, that David is simply telling him how to live. And this is something that I don’t think we talk about enough.
This also comes up when John’s horrible friend, Jordan, tries to assault him. Once again, John feels entirely out of control of his life. He feels like a victim, and rightfully so.
I enjoyed the scene in which the David clone kills Jordan and chops him up in little pieces. This was a delightfully bloody romp, funny and dark.
What didn’t work
Unfortunately, that’s where the good part of the story stops. And most of the good acting stops with it.
Look, I usually have high expectations for acting in American Horror Story. I was especially expecting good things when I saw that David was played by Victor Garber. And that man has never acted badly in his life.
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While I won’t say that Garber did a bad job here, he’s far too professional for that, I will say that it felt like he was phoning it in. He just didn’t seem like he was having fun. And that’s the kindest thing I can say about the acting.
No one else knew what the hell they were doing. It’s impossible to tell whether the main character John, played by Guy Burnet, is emotionless or just high the whole time. He can barely seem to work up any emotions, even when being almost assaulted.
The poor acting plays a part in this story being very, very dull. There are a few fun scenes, like the slaughter of Jordan. But they are shoved between long boring scenes where characters talk to each other about nothing interesting and chop onions.
I’d also like to complain about the ending. I’m going to try not to spoil it, like I did for the last episode. So I’ll be as vague as possible. Yes, it’s true that I didn’t see the ending coming. But that’s because the ending makes no sense.
Look, we all want to be surprised by an ending. But that surprise only works if it makes sense. If we can look back on the story and see the breadcrumbs that brought us here, then it’s great. But if you just throw in a twist that doesn’t fit, just to have a surprise ending, then that just feels cheap. This ending felt cheap.
Finally, and this isn’t just a complaint about this episode, I am so sick of stories about rich people walking around their rich houses with their rich problems. I am, in short, sick of rich main characters.
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Killer Queens, I am starting to feel discouraged. This episode of American Horror Stories was not good television. Neither was the last one. In fact, the whole last season of American Horror Story was pretty terrible. But there are three episodes left in this season. So I’m going to hold out hope that this season has some good chills and gore waiting for us still.
We’re back again with Goosebumps The Vanishing, episode two. A story too big for one episode, apparently.
Or, maybe this is just a nod to the fact that Stay Out Of The Basement was a two-part episode in the original 1995 show. Either way, after seeing this episode, we could have kept it to one.
The story
We begin this second episode with Anthony investigating the parasitic plant taking over his body. Rather than, I don’t know, going to the hospital, he’s decided to phone a colleague and send her some samples from the bulb he pulls out of his arm with a handheld garden trowel.
Meanwhile, Devin is having his own worries. He’s haunted by what he saw in the sewers. So, he gets CJ to go with him to investigate. What they find is more of the tendrils of the plant that dragged him down through the manhole last episode.
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I sure would have liked to see more about that.
Instead, we see Devin pivot to flirting with a newly single Frankie. Because teenage hormones I guess.
Meanwhile, Trey is having a terrible day. First, his girlfriend leaves him. Then, Anthony breaks his car window.
Needing a way to deal with his frustration, Trey decides to break into the Brewers’ basement. There, he starts wrecking up the place. Until he meets the plant creature and has an unfortunate accident.
What worked
The big difference between this episode and the last is the increased gross-out factor. This episode had some straight-up cringy moments. From the tendrils waiving from Anthony’s arm to the whole goat he brings home to feed his new pet, this episode was skin-crawling gross in the best way possible.
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The series is called Goosebumps, after all.
What didn’t work
Unfortunately, that’s where my praise ends. This episode, unlike the last, just wasn’t that great.
To start with, there was a lot of unnecessary drama between characters who are not in danger of being eaten by a plant from the inside out.
I especially disliked the focus on the Frankie/Trey/Devin love triangle.
Now, I don’t hate it. This part of the story adds extra emotional depth to the show. We can see why Trey would be especially incensed by his girlfriend falling for the son of the neighbor he’s feuding with. But it would be more enjoyable if it wasn’t so cliche and dramatic.
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I hate the way Trey tried to gaslight Frankie. It makes me dislike him when he should be a sympathetic character. I hate how whiny Devin is every time he talks to Frankie. And I hated the impassioned speech Frankie gives after Devin asks her why she was with Trey.
Listen, I understand what we’re going for here. Devin and Cece are not struggling financially. They’re doing alright, and their new friends here in Gravesend are not. We kind of got that without Frankie claiming that her socioeconomic status is why she’s dating a bully and gaslighter. It felt out of place. It felt like pandering. It certainly didn’t feel like something an eighteen-year-old would say. I hated it.
Finally, there was a moment near the end of the episode that irritated me. I don’t want to give too much detail because I wouldn’t dare ruin an R.L. Stine cliffhanger. But, well, it doesn’t make a lot of sense.
I get that we’re watching a show about a carnivorous plant that is going to wreak havoc on this family and neighborhood. I understand the suspension of disbelief. Some might even say I am a little too generous with it. So I can buy into a teenager being absorbed by a plant and turned into a monstrous version of himself.
I can’t buy into what happens at the end of this episode. It doesn’t make sense with the rules established. It certainly doesn’t make any sort of scientific or logical sense. It is a lazy moment meant to further the storyline but threatens the structural integrity of the season.
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All in all, this wasn’t the best episode of Goosebumps. But it’s only the second episode. Honestly, the season has plenty of time to go either way.
The movie monsters always approach so slowly. Their stiff joints arcing in jerky, erratic movements While the camera pans to a wide-eyed scream. It takes forever for them to catch their victims.
Their stiff joints arcing in jerky, erratic movements As they awkwardly shamble towards their quarry – It takes forever for them to catch their victims. And yet no one ever seems to get away.
As they awkwardly shamble towards their quarry – Scenes shift, plot thickens, minutes tick by endlessly… And yet no one ever seems to get away. Seriously, how long does it take to make a break for it?
Scenes shift, plot thickens, minutes tick by endlessly… While the camera pans to a wide-eyed scream. Seriously, how long does it take to make a break for it? The movie monsters always approach so slowly.
So my father used to enjoy telling the story of Thriller Nite and how he’d scare his little sister, my aunt. One time they were watching the old Universal Studios Monsters version of The Mummy, and he pursued her at a snail’s pace down the hallway in Boris Karloff fashion. Both of them had drastically different versions of this tale, but essentially it was a true Thriller Nite moment. And the inspiration for this poem.
Episode six of Dexter Original Sin brings us Dex’s third kill, making him officially a serial killer.
Yay!
The story
This episode dealt with many things. The first, and clearly most interesting, is the kidnapping of Nicky Spencer, the police captain’s son, whom we met a few episodes ago.
This loss has sent the entire police force into an uproar. They need to find the killer fast before Nicky’s found hanging from a bridge.
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Unfortunately, Harry’s still on the sidelines for this one, after horribly messing up the case against Levi Reed. He’s instead working with LaGuerta in a case regarding a dead homeless man. Despite the different victims, types of death, and the fact that they don’t appear to be related at all. Except that Dexter believes they are. They are, in fact, the first murderers of a blossoming serial killer. Just like him.
Before Dex can lean into this investigation, though, he’s drug along on a double date with Deb, Sophia and Gio. And here, we see the first shadows of danger from Gio. Shadows that will almost certainly turn into a monster.
What worked
I would first like to acknowledge that, despite my irritations, Gellar did well in this episode. She didn’t have Whedon’like one-liners. She didn’t exist to give snappy comebacks with a side of girl boss.
She looked as though she’d aged. She was serious. She behaved like a real person who felt terrible about what was happening.
And, just to shout out the costume department, she looked washed out. Yes, that is a good thing. Let me explain.
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White is not a good color on her. At least not that shade. It made her look bad. This is not something that Sarah Michelle Gellar would choose to wear.
But it is something that Tanya Martin would choose to wear. And I love that. I love when shows and movies let people look bad because they’re more interested in being true to the character and not focusing on everyone looking as hot as possible at all times.
I also want to discuss Gio, Deb’s boyfriend.
Gio scares me. And I think that most women watching this will feel the same way.
Not girls. Not teenagers or even some young women. But adult women, I’m willing to bet, do not like Gio after this episode.
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It was the scene at the bar. The part where he got in the face of the guy who spilled Deb’s drink. There was danger in that scene. Gio didn’t want an apology. He didn’t want to make sure Deb was okay. He didn’t even want the drink replaced. He wanted a reason to hurt that stranger. Because at that moment he was furious. And the only way to handle that fury for him was pain.
Gio is a very dangerous man. I’ll be very surprised if this season doesn’t end with Dexter having to take him out.
What didn’t work
At this point, we have a lot going on. We have Nicky’s kidnapping. We have Dexter finding himself as a serial killer. We have the flashback storyline with Laura and Harry. We have the dangerous Gio and the likely in-danger Sophia. And we have these murders of drifters and homeless people that the team is now investigating.
That’s a lot. It’s more than what can be followed comfortably. And that doesn’t even consider the one or two-episode arches like Levi, Nurse Mary or Tony Ferrer. A lot is going on, and a lot to keep track of. And it’s hard to believe, seeing what we’ve seen from this franchise and knowing what we know about how they handle endings, that these are all going to have satisfying endings. Especially since I haven’t heard anything about a season two.
We have four episodes left in this season, and I am expecting the storylines to start heating up. As of right now, we have way too many that don’t have enough to do with each other. But as we get closer to episode ten, I would expect these loose threads to knot together and form a noose around the neck of our dashing Dexter.