I hate trashing movies. I really do. Even some of the worst films in existance are redeemable in some way, but Smiley Face Killers is a film made for no one. I’m an easy-going girl. I don’t fret about time wasted or ill-spent because why bother? There’s always tomorrow right, well this damn movie had me bitter about the hour and thirty minutes I wasted watching it. Time I could’ve spent on rewatching Re-Animator. Every now and then I will come across a film that not only baffles me but makes me wonder why the hell they even made the thing?
What is this film? Other than an excuse to ogle over Ronen Rubinstein’s body and to offer an undercooked crime theory, there’s almost no point to its existence. It’s not entertaining, it’s not informative, it’s not moving, it’s not anything. It’s just there. The excessive amount of boob shots that appear in the Friday the 13th remake has nothing on this attempt at a psychological slasher. Smiley Face Killers could be a drinking game, there are over 15 full shots of actor Ronen Rubinstein’s naked chest and a little over 10 shots of his naked ass. The lights in his shower are brighter than the ones in his bedroom. Honestly, the way this movie constantly finds a way to take off Rubinstein’s clothes is the best thing about it because it’s so hilarious.
Rubinstein is indeed a sight to behold but I prefer my objectification with a bit of little plot to go with it. Otherwise, he’s just a lifeless pretty face, like a corpse, a corpse that acts about as bored as I was while I was watching this. May I suggest 9-1-1: Lone Staror Some Kind of Hate if you want to see a more decent showcase of Rubinstein’s face and acting. Don’t go here.
Directed by Tim Hunter and written by novelist Bret Easton Ellis whose strength clearly resides in books and not screenplays, Smiley Face Killers is a big dull dud that doesn’t know what to do with itself. It’s also a complete waste of potential. If the last 20 minutes were separated from the rest of the feature and made into a short film, it would’ve been pretty good. The rest is just excess and such a pointless endeavor that it’s astounding. Did they have some extra money lying around and decide to just poop out a film over the weekend?
The story follows young college student Jake Graham (Rubinstein) as he’s being stalked by three hooded figures who plan on murdering him. Even though he’s somewhat aware of their presence, he doesn’t exactly realize what’s going on yet he can feel their eyes watching and it’s putting a major damper on his social life.
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Before we’re even introduced to Jake though, the film offers up an explanation for what’s about to happen. The explanation appears like a written prologue on the screen less than five minutes into the opening explaining that it is based on a true story. “Since 1997, more than 156 young men across US college campuses have drowned under suspicious circumstances. Symbols spray-painted at the scenes have led some to propose these accidents are in fact, serial killers.” This basically just gives everything way and is a sign of the film’s laziness. It prefers to just tell the audience what is happening rather than show it through a story.
What follows is treated as one segment in a long series of events that have already happened. Such a setup makes the film feel like a slasher posing as a documentary made with the quality of a Lifetime movie.
Jake himself is not a very likable protagonist. Almost immediately we’re told about his unspecified mental illness for which he requires medication that he’s recently stopped taking. We’ve seen this before, haven’t we? A poor protagonist is not taken seriously because they are “crazy” and off their meds. Same thing here.
However, we see nothing of Jake’s behavior before the film so his friends and girlfriend constantly bringing up his lack of meds and apparent strange behavior just sounds like white noise. It doesn’t help that Jake himself acts no different between the start of the film and the end of the film. By the way, another thing about Jake…he never brings up the fact that someone is actively following him around for about 99% of the movie. The stalkers aren’t even trying to be inconspicuous. They leave their van in the open, kill Jake’s roommate, chase him down the street, start sending him strange texts, and even break into his room to leave clues of his demise, but he never makes the connection that these actions are the workings of someone dangerous. He never considers calling the police.
Crispin Glover plays the lead killer who has only a minor appearance. The only performance, outside of a brief burst of life from Rubinstein near the end, with any actual weight behind it. He’s joined with two others and together they form a cult that seemingly worships a figure known as Galiel who shares a connection to water.
What their religion is and who they worship is never explained but it’s the reason they’re drowning young men across America for each sacrifice is meant to represent Galiel in human form being sent back to the ocean. All this is crammed into the last 20 minutes when it should have been the premise itself.
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What is the real smiley face killers theory?
The backbone of Smiley Face Killers is the alleged true story that it’s based on. It’s the reason the plot goes nowhere as Hunter and Ellis worry too much about going along with these events within their own story that they want to match in menace and mystery. The premise of the film is loosely based on a serial killer theory that’s been floating around in urban legend status for years. The theory largely comes from three individuals, two retired detectives and a professor, who believe that a number of young men who have drowned in various bodies of water across Midwestern America from the late 1990s to the 2010s are actually the victims of a serial killer or a group of killers.
The “smiley face” part comes from the occasional smiley face graffiti mark found near some of the bodies. Many of which were later discovered to have been painted on years before the victims lived in the areas.
The theory hasn’t been well received by experts and isn’t supported by any evidence aside from the few smiley faces (one of the most popular graffiti markings of the 1990s) found at the scenes. Many of the deceased died after consuming large amounts of alcohol and drugs and showed no signs of trauma prior to entering the water. The “research” for this film clearly consisted of just googling “smiley face killers theory” and copying the alleged torture and murder of Christopher Jenkins, one of the victims whose parents claimed he was tortured in a van for hours before getting dumped in the water despite there being no indication that this is true. Jenkins’ body showed no signs of trauma and contrary to popular belief, water does not magically wash away all evidence. Though it does make homicide considerably harder to prove.
‘The FBI has reviewed the information about the victims provided by two retired police detectives, who have dubbed these incidents the “Smiley Face Murders,” and interviewed an individual who provided information to the detectives. To date, we have not developed any evidence to support links between these tragic deaths or any evidence substantiating the theory that these deaths are the work of a serial killer or killers. The vast majority of these instances appear to be alcohol-related drownings. The FBI will continue to work with the local police in the affected areas to provide support as requested.” FBI National Press Office, FBI Statement Regarding Midwest River Deaths on April 29, 2008
Verdict
Again I will ask, what the hell is this movie? Who made the okay for this? Cats was a better horror movie than this. Mr. Ellis if you’re listening, stick to writing books! This whole thing was a poorly researched take on a seemingly true story about as solid as cheesecloth. The characters were less than one-dimensional but just descriptions of characters reading lines like they were half-asleep.
Smiley Face Killers deserves one star for attempt but the appearance of Crispin Glover and the whole final act brings it up to one and a half. Way to go.
(1.5 / 5)
Rachel Roth is a writer who lives in South Florida. She has a degree in Writing Studies and a Certificate in Creative Writing, her work has appeared in several literary journals and anthologies.
@WinterGreenRoth
Goosebumps is back with season two, The Vanishing. All eight episodes dropped yesterday, January 10th.
Today, we’re talking about episode one, Stay Out of The Basement Part 1. This episode gets its title from the second of the original Goosebumps series. How much else does it get from this source material? Let’s find out.
The story
Our story begins in 1994, with a group of teens planning to spend the night in an abandoned building called Gravesend. And we are surely made aware that it is indeed Ye Olde 1994 with Beastie Boys blaring and references to X Files. Thank you, show writers, for making me feel as old as possible as quickly as possible.
For reference, the flashbacks from season one took place in 1993. I don’t know if these two stories exist in the same universe, but it stands to reason they do. So it couldn’t hurt to keep track of a timeline.
The teens’ plans are ruined when one of them, a boy named Matty, is infected with some horrific thing that seems to melt him before the very eyes of his friends.
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We then cut to 2024, where our story really begins. Two kids, Cece and Devin Brewer, are coming to spend the summer with their dad, Anthony. Anthony is Matty’s younger brother. He is now an adult and excited to have his twins spending the summer with him. He only has one rule for them.
Don’t go in the basement.
As it turns out, nothing in the basement will hurt the kids. Until Devin and Cece end up in Gravesend, and accidentally bring home the exact entity that killed their uncle thirty years ago.
What worked
The first thing that stood out to me was the connections that Cece and Devin have to this town, while still being outsiders.
Their dad, Anthony, lives there full-time. And while the twins seem to spend some time there, they really haven’t in years. This puts them in a liminal position of being both newcomers and having ties to the place. They know some people, but not most of their peers. But everyone knows their family, because of the tragic death of their uncle. This is a good way to have some flexible characters. They are both from there and not from there. It works.
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I also liked that this first episode has clear ties to the book it’s named for, while not being bound to it. In Don’t Go In The Basement, the kids have to save their father, Mr. Brewer, from the terrifying plant clone trying to take over his life. (Sorry for the spoiler. But the book did come out over thirty years ago.)
While this storyline is going to inspire at least some of our storyline, it’s clear that we’re going to go far above and beyond that. I appreciate that we’re keeping the integrity of the source material, while not being shackled to it.
Finally, I like that Anthony seems like a good dad. He’s worried about his kids. He’s excited to spend time with them. He’s quick to not involve them in fights with his ex, their mom. When he asks them not to go in the basement, he then takes them down to show them that he’s not hiding anything, it’s just not a safe place for them. All good dad points. Even better, we see that Devin goes to his dad when he’s scared. We get the feeling that Anthony would have listened to him if he hadn’t been fending off a homicidal vine at the time.
What didn’t work
I only have one complaint about this first episode. In the very beginning, we see the death of Matty. But, it’s really fast.
Not that I wanted to see a teenager suffer, but we see his face go dark and melt so fast, you’ll blink if you miss it.
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For one thing, that lets the viewer off too easy. This is our first dark moment. It should be a little slower. We should focus on the fear and anguish for a few more moments. Especially since this death is going to be the cornerstone of our story for the season.
While I am disappointed that this means we were in fact left on that terrible cliffhanger from season one, I’m happy with how this season is starting. The characters are interesting, the story is dark, and I’m excited to see how it plays out.
Alright, you sick puppies, gather ’round for a tale of family bonding, teenage angst, and good old-fashioned murder. “Bloody Axe Wound” is here to tickle your funny bone and possibly remove a few other bones while it’s at it.
The Gist: Serial Killing as a Family Business
Picture this: a video store that’s actually a front for some seriously messed up snuff films. The twist? The owner’s a serial killer who’s been slicing and dicing teens faster than you can say “late fees.” But wait, there’s more! His daughter, Abby Blake Cut (yeah, that’s her name, deal with it), wants in on the family business. Talk about bring-your-daughter-to-work day gone horribly wrong!
“Bloody Axe Wound” is like “90210” decided to do a crossover with “Halloween” – Jim Phoenix, HauntedMTL
Daddy’s Little Monster
So, Daddy Dearest isn’t too keen on his baby girl following in his bloody footsteps. I mean, come on, it’s 2024 – girls can be anything they want, even psychopathic murderers! But our guy’s stuck in the past, probably still thinks women belong in the kitchen (chopping vegetables, not people).
Last update on 2025-01-07 / Affiliate links / Images from Amazon Product Advertising API
A Feminist Slasher? You Bet Your Ass!
Abby’s not just fighting for her right to party (and by party, I mean brutally murder people). She’s breaking down barriers in the male-dominated field of serial killing. Move over, Jason and Freddy – there’s a new blade in town (no, not Mahershala Ali…only one real Blade…), and she’s got a point to prove (several points, actually, all of them sharp).
Horror Tropes Galore
This flick’s got more tropes than a teenager’s got hormones:
Awkward sexual exploration? Check.
That one friend who’s way too old to be hanging with high schoolers? You betcha.
A cursed town where everyone’s oblivious to the killer in their midst? Oh, honey, it’s all here.
It’s like “90210” decided to do a crossover with “Halloween,” and somehow it works!
Last update on 2025-01-07 / Affiliate links / Images from Amazon Product Advertising API
The Verdict: 4.5 out of 5 Bloody Thumbs Up
Look, I’m not saying “Bloody Axe Wound” is gonna win any Oscars (unless they finally add that “Best Dismemberment” category I’ve been lobbying for). But hot damn, it’s a fun ride. It’s got laughs, it’s got gore, it’s got a weirdly heartwarming father-daughter story if you squint hard enough. This one is a rewatchable movie and probably a cult classic for many of us.
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So, grab your popcorn, leave your sensitivity at the door, and get ready for a movie that’ll make you laugh, cringe, and possibly reconsider your family dynamics. Just remember: the family that slays together, stays together!
(4.5 / 5)
P.S. Don’t bring the kids. Unless you want them to have a very awkward conversation with their school counselor.
P.P.S. Sorry, once again, for killing your name in our podcast…
Episode five of Original Sin was surprisingly light. At least, as light as a show can be when it involves murder, teenage drug use, and the anniversary of the death of a beloved parent.
The story
We begin this episode right where the last one left off. Mad Dog, Dexter’s latest victim, is hit by a car and killed. This leaves Dexter with the unpleasant chore of cleaning up a crime scene but not being able to actually kill someone.
Meanwhile, Harry is getting ready for the trial of Levi Reed. This trial seems like it will be a slam dunk, except for one terrible surprise. Turns out Harry messed up and hid what probably wouldn’t have been evidence strong enough to dismiss the case until he hid it.
What worked
One of the reasons why Dexter is so popular is that it’s funny. While it is a show that deals with very heavy subject matter, it’s also managed to be funny most of the time.
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This episode is funny. It starts with Dex cursing over and over while he frantically and meticulously cleans up his crime scene, then hiding in a corner with a bag of incriminating trash. We later see him eat way too many pot brownies and get high as a kite, then eat two pizzas while laughing at I Love Lucy with Deb.
These are funny scenes that fit into the heaviness of the show. It doesn’t feel like emotional whiplash when we go from the kids getting high to Harry having a mental breakdown because that makes sense. Rather than forcing humor where it doesn’t belong, the writers made this comedy make sense.
I also loved that we’re seeing Dexter become who he will be. He’s terrified of losing control. He’s always learning how to kill more efficiently. And for someone who claims to not have regular human emotions, he already seems to understand a lot more about how the people around him are likely to act.
At least, he gets how Harry’s going to respond.
I like that he’s not just a teen version of the same character. I like that we’re seeing how this young mentally ill man changed into the adult mentally ill man we all know and love.
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Finally, we are really seeing the depths of how bad of a cop, and frankly a person, Harry is. Because Harry isn’t a good person.
He withheld evidence in a murder trial because he just didn’t consider it valid.
He ignored his kids, especially Deb when they needed him.
He’s having an affair with his CI, which is not only bad because he’s a married man, but because he’s taking advantage of a huge power imbalance between the two of them.
And finally, when he singlehandedly lost a murder trial, he got drunk and almost shot a man. When he couldn’t do it himself, he let Dexter off the leash.
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Harry is a bad person. And that’s kind of awesome. That’s the sort of villain origin story that I love to see. He is a more interesting character because of this. And Dexter is more understandable because of what we understand about the man who raised him.
What didn’t work
It took me a while to look over this episode of Dexter Original Sin and find something to complain about. And honestly, there’s one part of this season that’s been bothering me.
I don’t love that Harry is spending so much time with little Dexter. It just doesn’t make sense to me. At least, not with the story of the original show.
Especially in the first season, it’s clear that Dexter doesn’t remember anything before the death of his mother. That makes sense, as he was very very small. But this little Dexter feels like he would have been old enough to remember some of this.
But, you might say, he was traumatized. He watched his mother be brutally slaughtered and was left for days in a shipping crate with his mother’s body. And yeah, it does make sense that he would forget a lot.
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But would he never have the slightest inkling that he was now being raised by the man who suddenly showed up in his life, babysat him, and tucked him lovingly into bed?
Overall, this was a great episode. It was funny, touching, and moved along several storylines. I’m excited to see what comes next.
(4 / 5)