The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs: I Can’t Believe it’s Not Jaws!
The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs continues toward the season finale with its varied movie selections alongside the informative, and sometimes on-topic, rants Joe Bob delivers during breaks in the films. His co-host, the intelligent and beautiful Darcy the Mailgirl, does her best to keep him under control but he is one hard to wrangle cowboy. It can be watched on AMC+ and Shudder.
Jaws Rip-Off Night
What happens when Joe Bob sends a request up the corporate ladder to play Jaws (1975) on The Last Drive-In? Don’t get too excited because he absolutely does not get permission to play it. Instead, viewers are treated to Alligator (1980) and Grizzly (1976) on Jaws Rip-Off Night. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.
An Unexpected Error
Instead of tearing into the start of the episode, many members of the #MutantFam were unfortunately left in the dark. Shudder has a history of server issues on The Drive-In nights and this week was one of the worst in recent memory. As angry tweets flood my timeline (including one from Chris Jericho), I refresh the page repeatedly and wait.
If I were able to watch, I’d hear Joe Bob complaining about privacy fences and how Americans have turned their neighborhoods into suburban fortresses. “Wasn’t it better when you could sit out on your front porch and look all the way down to the end of the street and see grass and trees and pink flamingos and lawn sprinklers and all that stuff?” he asks.
He continues, and I am sitting unaware on my front porch looking down my street & watching the neighborhood kids catch fireflies. When I re-watch the episode, the irony of this is not lost on me.
Stranger Times
While Joe Bob laments privacy fences and how they make neighbors strangers, Darcy chimes in. “This is one of your stranger rants.” She is dressed as a sexy rendition of an alligator and Joe Bob laughs as she places a realistic gator mask over her head. Despite his assurance that it would all come back around, I fail to see how any of it relates to Lewis Teague’s Alligator.
The Drive-In Totals include but are not limited to: Cop chomping, showdown in Booger Alley, gratuitous bomb scare, and dynamite fu. This blend of Jaws and C.H.U.D. (1984) earns three stars from Joe Bob.
Hollywood Dreams
As the insatiable mutant gator wreaks havoc across Chicago, Joe Bob gives credit to the plethora of character actors featured in the film. Sydney Lassick, Bart Braverman, John Lisbon Wood, and Michael V. Gazzo are all featured as Joe Bob tries to cram decades of Hollywood history into the segment. He continues recognizing other actors in the film throughout.
He continues with the Hollywood history lesson when he highlights the work of Henry Silva. Silva died last year at the Motion Picture and Television Home in Woodland Hills, California. For those unaware, the home was created after several former Hollywood stars died in destitution. Its intended purpose is to help those within the industry who are out of work and struggling.
With the current WGA / SAG-AFTRA strike, one source has stated, “The endgame is to allow things to drag on until union members start losing their apartments and losing their houses.” Joe Bob does not go into the history of the home in the episode, but for those aware – the mention alone feels important.
It also feels important when he tells the audience Lassick held a job as a truck dispatcher the entire time he was acting. Too many actors today continue to rely on secondary sources of income to supplement the laughably low residual pay they receive for their work. Fatty Arbuckle may have died without a penny to his name, but the studio heads of his time sure didn’t.
No Apologies Needed
Joe Bob seems to be more sensitive to the time constraints of the show this episode, and calls himself out for rambling multiple times. Darcy reminds him this behavior is nothing new before disappearing to wardrobe for the next few segments.
Hail Seitan!
While Darcy is absent, Joe Bob talks about the topics that are more upsetting to her vegan and animal-loving sensibilities. He talks about the advent of the Miami entertainment industry and its roots in alligator wrestling.
When Darcy returns, the topics shift back to the movie. We learn about the various issues with the giant alligator models used in the show, which caused a pivot to using miniatures for many of the shots. It is revealed the animatronic alligator named Ramon was donated to the University of Florida and occasionally appears in halftime shows, and a production member can’t help but let out a confused “What?!”
My rating for Alligator:
(2.5 / 5)
Slide Into Joe Bob’s DMs
Since Joe Bob requested meaner letters in a previous episode, Dacry delivers an angry twitter DM from Jeff in Iowa. Jeff is very upset because he does not consider Heathers to be a horror film. He calls it “a chick flick teenage drama movie.” He finishes his message by assuring Joe Bob he still loves him and the show, he just wants more pure horror on The Drive-In. Joe Bob says he counts serial killer movies as horror and, “Heathers has enough horror elements to count.”
Paws -or- Claws
Joe Bob does not hold back in his comparison of Grizzly to Jaws. He says the movie is “goofy as all get-out” and draws the parallel to people who prefer the beach or the mountains. He gets a little heated when discussing whether or not Jaws is a horror film, and therefore whether eco-horror is a viable subgenre of horror. “Giant creature eating people! Okay?! Duh! Such basic horror.”
The Drive-In Totals include but are not limited to: 2 dead bears, arm ripping, pervert bear POV-attack, bloody-goo slippage, and bazooka fu. Despite repeated claims by the screenwriters and director William Girdler that Grizzly was independently created from Jaws, Joe Bob seems incredulous and gives the movie three stars.
Nit-Picking
Most of Joe Bob’s criticism of the movie comes in the form of calling out the sheer lack of logic displayed throughout. Complaints include but are not limited to: bears hibernation schedules, tourist taxes, and the unattended fires.
Darcy says what I’m sure many people at home are thinking when she interjects with “You’re way too picky.” She is now dressed as a sexy rendition of a bear, which for some reason pisses off incels on the internet. Seriously, leave Darcy the fuck alone you weirdos. She is smart and sexy and Joe Bob wants her there doing her thing.
Character Night
This episode of The Drive-In could also be called Character Actor Night with the attention Joe Bob continues to pay to them. He gives credit to the many actors throughout, and reveals Richaed Jaeckel as Scotty the Bear Man also lived and died in the Motion Picture and Television Home.
Special attention is given to Girdler’s fascinating biography. Joe Bob refers to him as “the exploitation king of Louisville, Kentucky.” Girdler came from a very wealthy family, and had a private screening room in his home at a time when it was almost unfathomable.
Money Money Money
Despite his family’s independent wealth, Girdler was not a stranger to money issues. Even with Grizzly being wildly successful and making millions of dollars, Girdler found himself living in Leslie Nielsen’s guest house for a period of time.
These money issues were exasperated by Grizzly’s executive producer Edward L. Montoro selling the worldwide distribution rights and trying to keep the $1.5 million from the sale to himself. After suing, Girdler eventually received his share of the profits as did writers David Sheldon and Harvey Flaxman.
Girdler’s career was tragically cut short at 30-years-old when he died in a helicopter crash. Joe Bob believes he was on track to have a Roger Corman level of career, and he mourns with Louisville for their loss.
My rating for Grizzly:
(3.5 / 5)
Mail Call
The final fan mail of the night comes from Chuck Daniels. His letter calls back to the start of season when the Drive-In featured two films from Lucio Fulci. Daniels believes he has figured out a way Fulci’s movies fit together and Joe Bob gives his theory credence. Darcy believes Fulci was just making a bunch of movies in a short frame of time. They can agree to disagree, especially on something so low-stakes.
My rating for the episode:
(3.5 / 5)
To a lot of fans, this is the film that killed the franchise. It says a lot that the next installment is yet another retcon. Halloween VI: The Curse of Michael Myers attempts to explain Michael’s unrelenting evil, which lead to mixed opinions from longtime fans. There are two cuts of the film, theatrical vs producer’s. For a lot of people, the latter is the only one worth mentioning. Aiming to be as accurate as possible, I will be talking about the producer’s cut. Let’s begin!
Plot
We start Halloween VI with a six-year time jump from part five. Jamie is now barefoot and recently pregnant, running away from Michael as he wants her baby. While she manages to hide the little one away, Michael finally gets his hunger satiated by killing her. The moment is one of the most brutal ways in the franchise up until that point. Rest in peace, Jamie, you held your ground for as long as you could, the sequels were just too relentless.
The movie then cuts to a whole different scene going on. We have a new family living in the Myers house and their youngest child is hearing voices telling him to kill his loved ones. Tommy Lloyd is watching the family, played by none other than Paul Rudd in his first-ever theatrical role. Tommy still carries trauma from the events all those years ago when Laurie Strode was babysitting him. So when he finds Jamie’s baby, his part in the story becomes even more essential.
Dr Loomis also stars in what was Donald Pleasance’s final role before his passing. He and Tommy try to stop Michael once and for all before the cycle can repeat itself. As it turns out, Michael is a victim of a druid cult which makes him want to kill his family members every Halloween. Thorn, the cult in question, thinks they can control Michael and make him do their bidding. This results in catastrophe and Michael goes berzerk and kills all the cult members. Once again, it’s one of the most gruesome montages for the franchise up until that point.
Tommy and Kara are left to face Michael on their own which they manage to do with some corrosive liquid and good luck. However, nothing stays dead in this franchise as it’s soon revealed Michael somehow escaped and this time Dr Loomis might not be so lucky…
Overall thoughts
I would say for me personally Halloween VI definitely ranks somewhere near the bottom. The whole point of Michael is that there is no rhyme or reason to his killings and this film tries to go against that. I am glad the mistake was rectified by the upcoming installment. There were still some good things about it, such as Paul Rudd’s acting that reveals some raw talent as far as I’m concerned, as well as some direction choices and musical score. However, I also think it absolutely deserves all the criticism that it gets.
(2.5 / 5)
We’ve reached the final episode of American Horror Stories, season three. After the ups and downs of the season, I didn’t know what to expect. I felt that we were due a big finish, Killer Queens. But I feared we were in for a big letdown.
As it turns out, The Thing Under The Bed was neither.
The story
We begin our story with a little girl named Mary, who is scared of something under her bed. She sneaks out of her room, only to be caught by her father and sent back to sleep. And of course, there is something horrible waiting for her under her bed.
This scene cuts away to a woman named Jillian. She has strange dreams, including one about Mary. But her husband, Mark, doesn’t want to hear about it. He’s only interested in a little lovemaking because he wants a baby. Jillian doesn’t, which makes total sense because she’s already married to one. But her irritation with her childish husband goes away when he goes away. And by goes away, I mean he’s sloppily devoured by something vicious under their bed.
What worked
In short, this episode just worked. The acting was professional and believable. The cinematography and lighting work were wonderful, adding spooky effects and startling moments without impairing visibility.
Best of all, the story was solid. There were no plotholes to be found. Our main character, Jillian, was relatable and sympathetic.
This was maybe my favorite part of the story. I thought Jillian was a remarkably sympathetic character. She was dealt a hand she never asked for, having her husband slaughtered in their bedroom. I don’t think she missed him, so much as she was afraid of the legal ramifications of being caught with literal blood on her hands.
Then, when it would have been safest for her to just lay low and save up for a good defense attorney, she instead goes into unlikely hero mode. She does her best to save people, putting herself in legal and physical danger. It’s hard not to root for her.
It’s also a little hard not to root for the antagonist, too. I don’t want to ruin the twist for you, so I’m going to tread lightly here. But it’s great when you have an antagonist who might be off their rocker, but also maybe has a point.
What didn’t work
I can only really think of one complaint with this episode. And that is how frequently one character says the word Chickadee. And if you’ve seen the episode, you know what I am talking about.
I get it, he has a pet name for his daughter. It’s adorable. It’s meant to convey that the two of them have a healthy loving relationship and I get it. We all get it. Blind monks get it. But the fact remains that no parent on Earth calls their kid by their pet name every single time they speak an individual sentence to them. It was just too damn much.
All in all, this was a good episode. It was a classic story, turned on its head, told by professionals from start to finish. And I hope that if there is another season, we see more stories like this one. But after the efforts put into this season at large, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last we see of American Horror Stories.
(4 / 5)
If you’ve watched enough short-form horror anthology shows, you’ll notice that some stories are mainstays. Each show seems to put on the same sort of episodes, with the occasional surprising storyline that we’ve never (or at least rarely) seen before.
Leprechaun was an example of a repeated story—the story of a greedy thief whose punishment far outweighs the crime.
The story
We begin our story in 1841, with a drunk man leaving the bar one late night. He’s distracted by something glowing at the end of the well. When he reaches down for the glowing thing, he falls in. Moments later, he screams.
We then cut to the modern day. The well is still there, and now it’s surrounded by a dying town. In this town lives a young man named Colin. He’s married, his wife is pregnant, and he’s out of work. Like many of his friends.
Desperate for cash, Colin and his friends decide to rob a bank. They put together an Equate version of Ocean’s Eleven, and break in one night. But, of course, they find that the gold is nothing more than bait. And the creature waiting for them is something they never expected.
What worked
The first thing I want to point out is how real this episode felt. At least to anyone currently living in the same small town they grew up in. These characters felt like guys I went to school with. Guys I would see at the bar.
I appreciated the real anger and frustration these characters are feeling. Especially Colin. He’s bitter, and maybe he has a right to be. He did exactly what he was supposed to do to succeed. He went to school and invested in his career, and yet now he’s out of work and struggling to support his family. I probably don’t need to tell you how that feels. Because of this, we can all kind of understand why he was tempted to rob a bank.
I also want to talk about the fact that this was, as I said, an often-explored story. That can be a bad thing, but it can also be a good thing. This story is told over and over because it’s a good story. A relatable story. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
What didn’t work
That being said, this version didn’t try to do much to break out of the mold.
Because we have seen this story so many times, most of us could tell the story themselves. I would have expected something new, or some twist. But, in the end, the story didn’t bring anything new to the discussion.
Maybe because of this, the ending left a lot to be desired. Trapped in the basement of the bank, everyone just sort of stares at everyone else, until the thieves give up. And that’s it. The ending wasn’t scary, shocking, or funny. It was just sad, on multiple levels.
Overall, this was an okay story. It was entertaining, if not surprising. I would compare this episode to homemade macaroni and cheese. Everyone’s got their own version, they’re all pretty good, and none of them are exciting.
There’s just one episode left in this season of American Horror Stories. Let’s hope they’ve saved the best for last.
(3.5 / 5)
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