This is going to be a hard one to review, not only because itâs a controversial remake (in name) of a classic, but also because itâs chaotic as a movie, too. The only spoiler that Iâm giving in this review is that a prominently featured unicorn figurine with an extraordinary large horn is disappointingly *not* utilized in any type of maiming or killing, which was a real missed opportunity.
The Plot:
I say that it’s a remake in name because it’s quite different from the original (1974) and remake (2006).
Riley and her sorority sisters are getting ready for winter break as she is still struggling with a sexual assault that occurred in her past. She mentors another sister, Helena, while being friends with Marty, Jesse, and the out-spoken Kris. She begins to get weird texts via their schoolâs notification system after she and her friends perform at a talent show, opening mocking the fraternity her assailant belongs to.
Soon, the strange texts escalate and they realize that theyâre being hunted by a masked figure. They must work together and fast to discover the secrets behind the universityâs history and unravel its dark past, terrifying present, and devastating future…
The Good:
The acting from Imogen Poots exceeded my expectations. It
was not an easy role, and had challenging dialogue to not only convey but to
make believable. Good use of body movement, especially when solitary and during
quiet moments, for example in the blue portrait hallway before the talent show.
I think sheâd be great in an indie horror.
Same with Aleyse Shannon, especially when a lot of her
dialogue was very clunky. I hope sheâs in more Scream Queen parts, especially in
different roles.
Set design is beautiful with the âold traditionâ narrative of the story. Every creak of the floor is real and genuine-feeling, and not a manufactured sound in post-production. Whoever scouted the areas did an amazing job.
Thoughts: Brain Roll Juice
SoâŠ.yeah. Itâs a heavy-handed #MeToo feminist film, so your tolerance and taste for the movie are going to be dependent on your opinions of the #MeToo movement. And itâs not subtle winks and nods, itâs most of whatâs on screen, down to the pink snow shovel and diva cup used as weapons (in different ways).
And itâs told in the lens of Blumhouse Productions, so we get pink cat-ear headbands; Secret Santa vibrators; putting in a tampon in front of a roommate; thong-talk; the phrase âboy-cottedâ; push-up bras; and the many times when people are corrected for using the term âgirlâ instead of âwomanâ. Surprisingly, there was not white wine, yoga pants, or pumpkin-scented candles present. Â Â Â
What Iâm saying, is that while there are things being said, things that rightfully should be said, itâs through a tight and mediocre lens. It felt more like an episode of Riverdale mixed with 13 Reasons Why than a remake of a classic slasher film, including the off-screen deaths and lack-luster ambiance.
Also, thank goodness that the characters had stockings with their names, or literally necklaces of their names, so I knew who was who because they so often blurred together. Which is fine, almost standard, for a horror/slasher film, but not when your message is that we should care about these women from the beginning.
Character-wise, I knew almost nothing about them, any of them. It was even a throw-away line that we learned our main characterâs parents had died, and this was never brought up again.
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My wild guess is this: this was not originally a Black
Christmas remake; it was a script about a sorority house that was slapped with
the title to promote it. Itâs so disjointed -plot and script- that I think
there were a lot of scenes cut by the studio because they either got worried by
the message or decided to double-down on the message. I think these scenes
would have made it flow better and given more character development, maybe even
a better ending (which didnât make a lick of sense).
I donât think the changes would have made it a great movie, but I think it would have been a better one. And donât get me wrong â there have a lot of subpar movies made since the dawn of film, and this one is better than most, if just for the effort of trying to say something, especially in a male-dominated field of horror. Props to that. But at the end of the day, will this get more hate/vitriol than Blumhouseâs Uncanny Annie or Truth or Dare, even though they were of equal or lesser value? Yeah. Will a lot that hate/vitriol come from people reading a few keywords and not actually watching the movie? Sure. Maybe that’s the real juice to roll your brain in.
One last thing of note before I sink back into the darkness. I find it odd that with PG-13, we canât watch a human being bleed after getting stabbed in the chest by an icicle, but we can watch a woman be assaulted multiple times, and that meets quality standards for a 13-year-old.
Oh, and Riki Lindhome co-wrote the song for the talent show.
Bottom-line:
Donât watch this as a first date movie – super awkward.
(2.5 / 5)
When not ravaging through the wilds of Detroit with Jellybeans the Cat, J.M. Brannyk (a.k.a. Boxhuman) reviews mostly supernatural and slasher films from the 70's-90's and is dubiously HauntedMTL's Voice of Reason.
Aside from writing, Brannyk dips into the podcasts, and is the composer of many of HauntedMTL's podcast themes.
Weâve reached the end of the road in Marvelâs Agatha All Along. As it turns out, it had a hell of a final twist.
I guess we canât be surprised.
The story
We begin this episode with Jen and Billy mourning the loss of Lilia. Agatha doesn’t seem phased at first, but it’s fairly clear she’s hurting. At least, it’s clear how she’s lashing out at everyone around her.
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Eventually, the three find themselves in the final challenge of the Witch’s Road. There, Jen and Billy get what they want, though through some unexpected means.
Agatha, though, doesn’t get what she wants. Instead, she gets a knock-out fight with Rio in the real world. And Rio is playing for keeps. In the end, she has to decide between her own life, and Billy’s.
What worked
I donât think Iâve said this once, but it does bear saying. So letâs get it out of the way first. This episode, and frankly the whole show, was so pretty. The effects are lovely, dark and gothic. The costumes were like something out of a witchy or emo teenâs wildest dreams. Every single building from every single challenge was gorgeous. And the road itself was, frankly, too beautiful to be scary. Even though it probably would have killed me.
There was one scene in this episode that knocked it out of the park, visually. And it was the result of one character’s death. I won’t say who, but you’ll know it when you see it. The colors and atmosphere were just fantastic.
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Of course, that isnât all this episode had going for it. We also saw one of the most touching moments of the series, and maybe one of the most heartbreaking scenes from anything Iâve seen this year. If youâve been online at all since the episode came out, Iâm sure youâve already run across it.
Billy asks Agatha if heâs killing a teenage boy so that his brother can live.
No, she tells him. Sometimes boys just die. Of course, itâs her son sheâs thinking of.
This was such a quiet, sad moment from a show that has been so loud and fast-paced. It’s a moment of deep sorrow from a character who’s always had a smile on her face. Even if she’s laughing at someone else’s tragedy.
Finally, I couldn’t possibly review this episode of Agatha All Along without talking about the season-ending twist. And my Goddess, it was a good one. I don’t dare ruin it for you. So let me just say this.
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I complained loudly about the twist ending in a recent episode of American Horror Stories. There, I said that a twist isn’t satisfying unless you can look back and realize it was adequately foreshadowed. It’s a hard thing, to foreshadow something without giving the whole thing away. But this twist, when you get to it, makes so much sense. It could never have been any other way. And so many things make more sense now. I can’t wait to watch the whole series again now, with this new perspective.
What didnât work
Itâs honestly hard to say anything bad about this episode. But I do have one complaint. And that complaint is about Jen.
I love this character, donât get me wrong. But I feel like we missed a step in her character arch.
In the beginning, Jen is self-centered and angry. She’s full of herself. By the end, she wants to protect Agatha and Billy. She wants to make sure they make it off the road. And while I suppose one could argue that she was moved by Lilia’s sacrifice, it doesn’t seem like enough. I think this could have been solved with a flashback, or something from Jen’s point of view. But without it, this just doesn’t feel right.
We may have reached the end of The Road, but we are still not quite done with the story. So check back soon for our final review of Agatha All Along.
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Follow me, my friend, to glory at the end.
(4.5 / 5)
I’ve just finished watching the sixth episode of season three of American Horror Stories, titled Clone. In which a young man has to live with the clone of his lover after said lover has health complications. And, well, that’s 47 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
The story
Our story begins with a quiet birthday celebration between our two main characters, John and David. David is a billionaire who’s getting on in years. He’s frustrated by what he perceives to be a lack of drive in his younger partner. But when David has a stroke and needs to seek serious medical care, he sends a clone of himself to keep John company.
At first, John is incredibly put off by the clone. Until he realizes that the clone might just be the real love of his life.
What worked
This wasn’t a completely terrible episode. There was a lot about the premise that I enjoyed.
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Most of the tension in this episode comes from John feeling like he isnât in control of his life. He feels, rightfully so, that David is simply telling him how to live. And this is something that I donât think we talk about enough.
This also comes up when Johnâs horrible friend, Jordan, tries to assault him. Once again, John feels entirely out of control of his life. He feels like a victim, and rightfully so.
I enjoyed the scene in which the David clone kills Jordan and chops him up in little pieces. This was a delightfully bloody romp, funny and dark.
What didnât work
Unfortunately, that’s where the good part of the story stops. And most of the good acting stops with it.
Look, I usually have high expectations for acting in American Horror Story. I was especially expecting good things when I saw that David was played by Victor Garber. And that man has never acted badly in his life.
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While I wonât say that Garber did a bad job here, heâs far too professional for that, I will say that it felt like he was phoning it in. He just didnât seem like he was having fun. And thatâs the kindest thing I can say about the acting.
No one else knew what the hell they were doing. Itâs impossible to tell whether the main character John, played by Guy Burnet, is emotionless or just high the whole time. He can barely seem to work up any emotions, even when being almost assaulted.
The poor acting plays a part in this story being very, very dull. There are a few fun scenes, like the slaughter of Jordan. But they are shoved between long boring scenes where characters talk to each other about nothing interesting and chop onions.
Iâd also like to complain about the ending. Iâm going to try not to spoil it, like I did for the last episode. So Iâll be as vague as possible. Yes, itâs true that I didnât see the ending coming. But thatâs because the ending makes no sense.
Look, we all want to be surprised by an ending. But that surprise only works if it makes sense. If we can look back on the story and see the breadcrumbs that brought us here, then itâs great. But if you just throw in a twist that doesnât fit, just to have a surprise ending, then that just feels cheap. This ending felt cheap.
Finally, and this isnât just a complaint about this episode, I am so sick of stories about rich people walking around their rich houses with their rich problems. I am, in short, sick of rich main characters.
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Killer Queens, I am starting to feel discouraged. This episode of American Horror Stories was not good television. Neither was the last one. In fact, the whole last season of American Horror Story was pretty terrible. But there are three episodes left in this season. So I’m going to hold out hope that this season has some good chills and gore waiting for us still.
Juju Stories (2022) is a horror anthology following tales of Nigerian folklore and juju, evoking the directorial visions of C.J. Obasi, Abba Makama, and Michael Omonua. This unrated film stars Belinda Agedah Yanga, Paul Utomi, Elvis Poko, Don Ekwuazi, Nengi Adoki, and Bukola Oladipupo. As of this review, the film is only available on Amazon Prime.
Mercy (Belinda Agedah Yanga) uses a juju potion to entice her lover (Paul Utomi as Leonard). Amos (Don Ekwuazi) wanders the streets, unaware his life will change forever. Chinwe (Bukola Oladipupo) suffers misfortune as others claim her friend is a witch (Nengi Adoki as Joy).
Thoughts on Juju Storiesâ âLove Potionâ by Michael Omonua
The first âchapterâ of Juju Stories follows a story of false love and manipulation. While not a particularly scary story, it earns recognition as the most unsettlingly real. The juju empowers a type of manipulation that we find in too many relationships. Of the three short films, âLove Potionâ provides an intimate cinematography, perfectly feeding into the delusion of the characters. This entry appeals to me most, though I admit itâs likely not the entry that haunts a viewer. Itâs the least concerned in horrifying the audience, with only one moment of body horror that might get some level of engagement in said area. A final note of approval is Belinda Agedah Yangaâs Mercy. Her performance seems the strongest of the three shorts, though âLove Potionâ gives her more to work with as the central character.
A few considerations for viewers are the concept of a love potion in general, forcing a victim to love the owner of said potion. Another consideration is the brief moment of body horror. Though, a more accurate description leans toward bodily horror. It intentionally indulges in the grotesque to solidify the dark implications. However, itâs not proper body horror or particularly grotesque for most horror fans.
Thoughts on Juju Storiesâ âYAMâ by Abba Makama
âYAMâ provides the most politically charged entry of Juju Stories, following characters of different economic classes as they live their lives. This entry provides a fabulism to its horror that leans towards metaphor or symbolism. The focus feels too scattered for my liking, but I recognize my own ignorance of juju or Nigerian culture might make the social critique misfire for me. However, it balances three plotlines within its time frame. A full-length feature might better explore the message of âYAM.â
The only consideration that comes to mind is that of mental illness. However, the examples in question lean more toward the fabulism aspects of the short film. Still, the story does show a characterâs breaking mental state.
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Thoughts on Juju Storiesâ âSuffer the Witchâ by C.J. Obasi
Of the three entries in Juju Stories, âSuffer the Witch” earns a placement as the most horror-focused short film. As an anthology revolving around juju, itâs only natural a witch occupies space in Juju Stories. âSuffer the Witchâ creates a more haunting and horrifying plot, producing a genuinely effective witch horror in a short runtime. However, itâs also the entry that targets the youngest audience, focusing on teens in high school. The tone reflects this target audience.
There is a brief moment of nudity. Itâs not particularly exploitative, aside from the target audience being younger. Another point of consideration is the queer coding of the villain added at the end. Itâs interpretable, but itâs a point worth mentioning for consideration.
Final Thoughts
Juju Stories provides three short films rooted in Nigerian juju folklore and culture. The concept stands out against other potential competitors. Each entry adds a different interest to appeal to a wider audience, but this decision also means not all will haunt said audience. When there are only three entries to discuss, that could mean one-third doesn’t hit the mark, if not more.
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