Black Christmas (1974) is a Uncomfortably Sweaty Piano Solo (4 Cthulhus)
Hello people, welcome to the holiday season! Hanukkah is on its third light, I believe. Kwanzaa still has a few days before it kicks off. Diwali…well, has been over for a while (sorry). And, it’s Christmas Eve (for the next hour). I’ve unwrapped my gift, finally.
That’s right. I’ve finally made it to the original, the first-born, Bob Clark’s 1974 Black Christmas. The chain-smoking, binge-drinking, constantly-swearing older sister that the other remakes watched in glazed envy and adoration at family gatherings.
Let’s get right into this because Santa brought me just what I wanted – a horror classic.
The Plot:
As with the remakes, we have a sorority house getting ready for their holiday break. Without their knowledge, someone slips into their attic and begins stalking them from within. They begin getting obscene phone calls, which they first take as a sick prank.
After one of the women goes missing, her father and the other sorority sisters try to find her and who could be behind her disappearance. Tensions rise as one of the sisters drinks and pushes the crisis, while another one of the women is at a crossroads in her life and dealing with an emotionally unstable boyfriend.
While they try to uncover the truth, will they realize that they are not alone before it’s too late?
The Good:
The lighting is exceptional, especially when used emphasized certain aspects (the features of the house, the women, and the décor) and hide others (namely the killer). The use of shadow and light were so cleverly crafted; it shows the time and effort that went into the shots and their planning.
The music and, maybe more importantly, the absence of music were also spot on. There were times that it would have been easy to put in cheap music to superficially heighten the effect of the scene, but not having it made it more memorable and suspenseful (especially the scene when Jess and Phyl were downstairs talking alone).
And the most important thing – the characters had character. I could tell you about Jess, Barb, Phyl, Clare, and Mrs. Mac because they had something to tell. Barb may have been difficult to personally like, but she has clear motives and actions. You might not agree with Jess, but you understand her. So, when we got to the last girls, it was difficult to watch because we established a connection.
The Bad:
Maybe I’ve watched too many video nasties and splatter films, but I was surprised at how tame the death scenes were. Not that that’s intrinsically bad. I guess I was just was expecting more.
Brain Roll Juice:
There’s a good amount of juice to roll that brain around in. Many reviewers have discussed at length about Jess and her firm decision to have an abortion as a very powerful statement, which it certainly is. It’s also super rare to find in a horror movie, especially a slasher movie. Women having agency over their bodies in an art-form where they often don’t is surprising. The sad note is that this is before the boom of the slasher genre in which the art-form (horror) created the tropes that this film didn’t participate in. It seems like Bob Clark was trying to give women a voice, even in horror, before it was muddled into the annals of, well….
But actually, I want to talk about character for one more second, or at least identity. Again, as this was fresh and free from the land of some of tropes that would come to be, it was refreshing to see that each girl was not just a Spice Girl-type representative. They had depth. They had character. Even the girl that was murdered first was still part of the story, the main story. She wasn’t just forgotten, not by the characters and not by the viewer.
Comparison and Bottom-Line:
It’s hard not to compare all three films, but I’m only human (mostly). Creating a remake is difficult because you often lose what made the first one so good. Sometimes even with the most precise planning and plotting, you just can’t create what was and replicate why it struck a nerve with people.
And however it happened, be it everything just falling into place and creating a Festivus miracle, the first movie worked and still works. The screams of Jess on the landing are just as heartbreaking. The fumbling of an old man trying to find his glasses just knocked off from a snowball, while waiting for a daughter who will never arrive, is still unnerving. Just as the ending is still effective and haunting.
These are the moments that will stay with us long after it’s over, not the incomprehensible snarky mess of 2006, and not the well-meaning but detached addition to the legacy in 2019. Real moments, real human emotions and empathy, felt between us.
And isn’t that what the holidays are supposed to be about?
Probably.
(4 / 5)
Last year we talked about the classic horror holiday movie, Gremlins. This year, I’d intended to watch Gremlins II for some additional festive fun.
I went into the film blind, as I like to do for anything I’m reviewing. And Gremlins II, sadly, is not a Christmas movie. It was, however, a bonkers movie that was a lot of fun. So, in that spirit, let’s talk about it.
The story
Our story begins with kindly old Mr. Lee. A massive company called Clamp wants to build a massive new building on the block where Mr. Lee’s little antique store currently resides. Of course, he has no intention of selling.
Now, at this point, I thought this was going to be a story of Mr. Lee and the gremlins working to defeat the big company with crazy hijinks and slapstick humor. Then, Mr. Lee died and sort of made this whole intro a moot point.
Flashforward, and our two main characters from the first movie, Kate and Billy have moved to NYC. They’re working for the Clamp company. While at work one day, Billy hears a familiar song. He follows it and finds Gizmo in a cage. He frees him and plans to take him home.
Before he can get Gizmo out, though, the poor little guy gets wet.
Soon enough the building is full of evil gremlins, running around a massive multi-use smart building. But the chaos really starts going when they break into a scientific research facility, and start drinking the concoctions therein.
What worked
The thing I loved about Gremlins II is that the story makes sense within the rules it has established. That is not to say that anything in this movie makes sense. This is very clearly not a movie grounded in reality. But it was important to establish that the movie was going to be crazy. It was going to take constant shots at itself. If you’re going to interrupt the film in the middle because the gremlins have attacked the projection room, and then have them be threatened by Hulk Anti-Union Hogan so that the movie can continue, you’d better establish early that anything can be expected.
And that is the charm of Gremlins II. The premise is very simple. A group of mythical creatures got into an office building and drank a bunch of scientific concoctions that gave them wild abilities. Within this premise, anything can happen and it doesn’t threaten the suspension of disbelief. This gave the writers a blank check to do anything they wanted. And they took that check.
What didn’t work
It’s important to understand that Gremlins II is a kid’s movie. It’s cute, it’s silly, and there aren’t any gruesome deaths.
That being said, there is one quite off-color joke. Near the end of the movie, there is a scene where Kate begins to share a terrible story about her childhood. It seems like she was revving up to explain that a man dressed up like Abraham Lincoln assaulted her.
It’s supposed to be a joke about the story Kate told in the first movie about her father dying on Christmas, and how no one liked that part of the movie.
They used a story about childhood molestation to make a joke.
And if this was a movie for adults, that would be fine. It would fit well in Deadpool or Death to Smoochy or Happy. Not in a movie with little green and furry puppets causing adorable and crazy trouble in an office building.
All in all, though, this was a fun movie. And while I am disappointed that it wasn’t Christmas-themed (Can you just imagine Gizmo frolicking around the 30 Rock Christmas tree?) it was still a good time.
(3.5 / 5)
Breaking News
Joe Bob Briggs Creepy Christmas spooktacular: The Last Drive-In Special Charity phenomena
Famed horror host, Pulitzer Prize nominated, and Cracker Barrel aficionado Joe Bob Briggs is back in action, ready to bring some macabre merriment to your holiday season with Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas. It also gives us horror fans something to take into the new year, be that something Darcy’s panties (sorry, box, I tried) or just the intangible good feels of hanging with friends and supporting a lot of good causes.
The Return of Joe Bob Briggs’s Christmas Special
The Joe Bob Briggs’s Christmas event is akin to a Jerry Lewis telethon for Gen X, with a twist of ‘the last drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs’. This ‘Briggs’ auction of sorts is a nostalgic nod to the past, especially for those who remember the telethons. The dread, however, has shifted from the … well… whatever Jerry was supposed to do (see Sam Kinison’s bit on this for more info) to that of evil goodies.
Without a doubt, this Joe Bob Briggs special is the event we eagerly anticipate each year. It’s a tradition, and a worthy one at that. We hope to see everyone on the interwebs, joining the ‘creepy links’ and engaging in the conversation (We’ll be on Threads and Twitter….tag us as you wish!) ‘live’ the only way anyone should ever watch a tv show (oh, and I guess on demand, but ya weirdos will never know the sting of the Iron Mutant Award!). ‘Live’ is the only way anyone should ever watch a TV show, especially ‘the last drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs’ (as it’s far too hard to watch tv whilst dead).
Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas The ‘Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy the Mail Girl’ special will hit the airwaves live on Shudder TV and AMC+ TV on Friday, December 15th at 9 p.m. ET. Fans of ‘the last drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs’ can also catch the special on-demand starting Sunday, December 17th.
A Creepy Christmas with a Cause
In its fourth year, the holiday tradition of The Last Drive-In goes beyond mere entertainment. It aims to use the platform to raise funds for four vital causes. The charity auction will feature unique props and exclusive merchandise from The Last Drive-In and memorabilia from Briggs’ illustrious 35-year career…including some of his unspoken work as John Bloom. I say Unspoken, because if anyone remembers the first Christmas Special, the autographed copy of Eccentric Orbits was featured (sincerely, a good book–check it out if you haven’t. Jim gives it 4.5/5)
The supported charities for Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas will include:
- Wildlife Conservation Network
- Paralyzed Veterans of America
- Every Mother Counts
- Solving Kids’ Cancer
The Mystery of the Joe Bob Briggs’s Creepy Christmas Special
The anticipation for Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas is high, with fans wildly speculating what films will be featured. Personally, nothing can beat the #1 top horror Christmas film of all time, the Easter classic: Passion of the Christ (if a snuff film about a guy who doesn’t fit in getting whipped and nailed up doesn’t scream horror story, I don’t know what does. Also: See Sam Kinison’s concept on crosses and resurrection). However, a Christmas movie I really want to see up on this is Hogzilla and Kiss Save Santa Clause! BOOMMM!! Christmas Won!
As we eagerly wait for December 15th, we wonder what surprises our favorite horror host, Joe Bob Briggs, has in store this time. Will there be exclusive ‘merch’ that Jim will buy and then accidentally put in a Toys for Tots box in the mall?
Join the Fun, Join the Cause, Join the Joe Bob Briggs Christmas event!
Are you ready to dive into the world of Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas? Do you dare to watch along and help raise money for a good cause? If so, join us at HauntedMTL on Threads (_HauntedMTL_) and maybe Twitter (@HauntedMTL) as we experience the thrill and chills that only Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy can deliver.
Remember, this is not just about indulging in some good old horror fun with ‘Joe Bob’s’ double feature. It’s about giving back and making a difference. So, let’s gear up to have a creepy Christmas with ‘Joe Bob Briggs’, filled with ‘christmas horror films’, ‘christmas demons’, ‘christmas slasher films’, ‘ho-ho-horror’, ‘yuletide horror’ and insightful ‘horror commentary’.Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas and make this holiday season memorable for all the right reasons! I’m sure Fright Rags will have another stellar set this year, too. They are perfect for the horror fan in your life (even if that fan is you!). I can’t wait to see what they have in store (no pun).
SPECIAL — IF YOU WANT Freeeeeeeee (as supplies last) Fright Rags Joe Bob Briggs merch for this year, just tweet/thread at us during the event and Jim will pick the one that makes him chuckle the most (you will need to give us your address and size in DMs)
No subscription to watch Joe Bob Briggs’s Creepy Christmas yet? No problem! Check the link below:
AMC Networks’ Shudder is a premium streaming video service, super-serving members with the best selection in genre entertainment, covering horror, thrillers and the supernatural. Shudder’s expanding library of film, TV series, and originals is available on most streaming devices in the US, Canada, the UK, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand. For a 7-day, risk-free trial, visit Joe Bob at www.shudder.com.
Airing in December of 1998, How the Ghosts Stole Christmas is a classic monster of the week episode of the X-Files. Except, of course, it’s ghosts, not monsters. Because it’s Christmas, and there’s no better time for a little ghost story than that.
The story
Our story begins like any good holiday evening should. Mulder is telling Scully a ghost story. They’re sitting together outside a supposedly haunted house on Christmas Eve, waiting for the ghosts of two lovers to appear. The story is that they killed each other eighty-one years ago, that very night. Mulder is very excited to see some ghosts. Scully would rather be at home celebrating the holiday.
One of these people has a family life and a dog. The other only has his partner.
Eventually, the two of them do make it inside, where they find an elderly couple named Maurice and Lydia. They seem like a nice enough couple until things start getting weird. Doors lock and unlock as they please. Lydia and Maurice seem to appear and vanish. And, of course, some dead bodies are found.
As Scully and Mulder try to find each other in this sprawling maze of a house, the ghosts are after them. They tell them terrible, insightful things about themselves and each other. The scary thing is that some of this is good advice.
The scary thing is how much of this Mulder and Scully needed to hear.
Eventually, our heroes escape, though they sure don’t exorcise the ghosts in the house or themselves. Lydia and Maurice are left to enjoy their quiet Christmas Eve in the comfort of their love, no longer a raging fire of passion, but a warm bed of glowing embers.
What worked
First off, let me say that I’m a sucker for a bottle episode. Especially in a show like X-Files. (And it is a true bottle episode, being the cheapest episode of the season.) For the most part, our story takes place in one location, with just four actors. It is tense, it is tight, and it is intimate.
Honestly, this episode has everything going for it. Of course, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson bring their A Game. And they’re joined by two of the funniest comedic actors of all time, Ed Asner and Lily Tomlin. These people could read you the phone book and have you in stitches.
But the writing is also exemplary. Mulder and Scully are forced to take a good look at how they treat each other, for better or worse. They have to consider their relationship, the way they live their lives, and the darker voices in their heads.
In the end, I think they come together beautifully.
Finally, I want to praise the location. The haunted house looks so much like Hill House, it can’t be an accident. It’s in turn freezing and warm, falling apart and beautifully maintained. The cobwebs and hanging sheets on the unused furniture are just classic. And with the massive fireplaces, bookshelves to the ceiling, and the well-stocked bar, the whole place has an air of old-fashioned comfort, left to rot.
What didn’t work
I honestly cannot think of one thing that didn’t work in this episode. It’s funny, it’s touching, it’s dark. It’s the perfect Christmas episode of television.
In the end, How The Ghosts Stole Christmas is a dark, spooky little tale. It’s filled with scares and chills but still manages to warm your heart. And if you want to fit a little more blood and gore into your holiday watch list, this is a great way to do it.
(5 / 5)
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