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The Demons dig into Resident Evil the TV show, Witchcraft, and the tag team of Ouija House. See Jim have a melt down as he ‘remembers watching Ouija House’. Come join Brannyk as they explain to Jim, like a child, what an AFAB is…(Spoiler: It isn’t Edina and Patsy). Be amazed as we seem to find the only old Witchcraft movies without nudity. Plus, now we have transcripts (Sorta a work in progress!). All this and more on the next Streamin’ Demons.

Resident Evil poster with a yellow background and a bubble of saliva with blood in the middle.
Resident Evil

Where to buy the movies we review (links will earn us $$)

The transcript!

00:00.00
jimbohaunted
Hey, everyone Jim Phoenix here and boy do we have but another exciting adventure of streamman demons. We have branock with the old witchcraft from 1964 apparently they found the only witchcraft movie be about titties i. Batting the new with resin evil the Tv series. That’s right if you have Netflix or a pulse you already know about this one and we do our superpower team up with ouija house terror read and meisher barton now that’s a portal maid and hell all this a more allegedly. Ah, next freeman demons head it.

00:42.85
jimbohaunted
Hey, everyone Jim Phoenix here and boy are we excited to have you in our brand new format at streamman demons if you are new to streamman demons you will notice None thing nothing because you’re new. But if you are old hat. You’re like oh why these are special guests. We still have special guests once in a while but we want to be special. It means like every once in a while that every week. So our new format is still something it borrows something blue something old something new. Whatever it is right and I take None my forever ever co-host jam brannick taylor they take None and then we teame our powers together and we tackle something more horrible than roller gaator on steredoids spoilers a it wasn’t good.

01:20.47
Boxhuman
Hello.

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01:30.38
Boxhuman
No, it was pretty good. It was pretty good. The spoilers is pretty good. It was It was fine. It was fine. Yeah ah, kind of I think you watched the trailer and said it was terrible and then I watched it and said you know it wasn’t.

01:38.91
jimbohaunted
It was fine now we watch us with together the one we’re about to do no ah right? Yeah no I I think we’re supposed to do this for change. not not James Squared

01:50.11
Boxhuman
That bad.

01:56.39
Boxhuman
JmSquared yeah and this was supposed to be jm squared. Yeah.

01:57.87
jimbohaunted
Shit was this one this team we had so many podcasts you guys have no idea I actually have two podcasts that work are gonna come out as my alexa tells me to work on the theme musics. But yeah, sorry guys we we team up some stuff and this be awesome sequels.

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02:11.18
Boxhuman
And sequels eventually sequels. Yes, you know a lot of things in the mix.

02:17.77
jimbohaunted
Kind of ato fuck man. Yeah I I have 2 podcasts of entire seasons recorded already for bite size horror for kids is not as the got kids show no swearing if I with that for little kids. And we teamed up with the people the very nice people from lee’s favorite podcast horse and for Buffy The Vampire Slayer entire fucking entire season. Ah I’m a slacker. Yeah, no privacy.

02:47.59
Boxhuman
Yeah, and they’re great. We ah we had teamed up with them previously previously previously in the previous previously of our houses.

02:55.65
jimbohaunted
Cheese and if if you’re new to streamman demons this is where time of the show where brandnic and I will have to fuck up to english language so bad like I think I know what they meant this time for the None time like ever iss probably you. It’s like usually me a thousand percent so good luck.

03:07.63
Boxhuman
That’s okay, that’s okay, yeah, well I watched a British horror so it very much confused me of what English actually sounds like.

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03:15.27
jimbohaunted
Oh yeah, well they usually talk with that really a broken northern iron or Northern Ireland Northern London ass and those those british horrors. Yeah that they like gotna like all that that horrors right? Does you have like oh horrors our office a british horse.

03:21.87
Boxhuman
Ah.

03:29.89
Boxhuman
Horrors Yes were horror murders Horrors horrorrrors.

03:34.47
jimbohaunted
Okay, oh that’s what okay, that’s why your movie doesn’t have nudity as’s a british horror Jesus honestly, okay I’ll just let you introduce it so brannic you have the old hence since we had no special guests like oh I can’t follow that or.

03:40.77
Boxhuman
That’s correct. It’s a British horror.

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03:47.99
Boxhuman
Yes. Okay, now this is witchcraft and it’s not the witchcraft from the 80 s surprisingly you would think that would be my cup of tea. But I chose witchcraft from 1964 which is a british horror film at.

03:53.87
jimbohaunted
Go for it. What what movie did you do? That’s a British whore.

04:06.84
jimbohaunted
4

04:10.83
Boxhuman
And it’s not a hammer film but it does have it was directed by Don Sharp who did do a lot of hammer horror films and it start ah stars ah Lon Cheney Junior which you know it was kind of um.

04:18.22
jimbohaunted
Um, that who.

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04:28.70
Boxhuman
Ah, mixed bag. It was a lost opportunity because he really should have tried to do a horrible british accent and he did not he just was launching a junior in England yes I’m totally british.

04:38.80
jimbohaunted
But he’s just like I this guy I went to england I was in London bro I was like to he do that and like and and as a whirl too like I am a tourist whatever town this is.

04:45.74
Boxhuman
Um, totally British I’m totally not a werewolf in this movie.

04:54.51
Boxhuman
He basically I think did that in every movie. It didn’t matter where he was but I it was It was a shame. He really should have gone for it. He did not ah but basically.

04:56.80
jimbohaunted
Nowhere has make except for the tourist then he was just like ah I’m from here like right? The tourists.

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05:11.55
Boxhuman
Ah, witchcraft is like the Hatfields and the mccoys but british and with witches and with land development were a land developer I so our main protagonist wants to build stuff.

05:16.75
jimbohaunted
Damage it Jim I’m a doctor not a witch. No rom mccoy wrong Mccoy or damage him a doctor not a land developer.

05:29.86
jimbohaunted
Oh good for him or her.

05:31.21
Boxhuman
Ah, and to progress wherever they are ah but is the member of the jolly old Mccoys and kind of bulldoze is the crypt of an old timey witch who looks honestly better than half the bumble profiles that I see. Ah, but for some reason they think she looks very creepy and ah yeah I mean basically at our did that.

05:50.54
jimbohaunted
Just like half of the bubble profiles you see Bumble you suck by the way I own stock in a tanked. So f you guys How Bumble’s only ones like is a pandemic be friendly like okay once the Pandemic’s over with you bounce back.

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06:09.17
Boxhuman
Oh that’s kind of a shame I kind of like bumble The idea of it and that you can also choose friends Huh I I like friends I’m sorry.

06:09.68
jimbohaunted
Yeah.

06:14.45
jimbohaunted
Really did you get play in bunble yeah wing you didn’t do bubble friends. Did you Oh for fuck sakes. Yeah,, don’t we all? That’s the much like that’s just random me. Let’s me randomly clapping. It wasn’t actually the song so hold your lawyers. No.

06:29.11
Boxhuman
Ah, anyway.

06:38.23
Boxhuman
Don’t you have a button for that now to do with pro have a button for claffing.

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06:44.24
jimbohaunted
I should be for the glass. Not now as far as those costs are good I’m sorry doing this over guys.

06:51.25
Boxhuman
Ah, welcome to the new stream in demons.

06:57.48
jimbohaunted
Damons thanks to Zencastr Z E N C A S T R Dot Com for giving me a like ah of way too long trial for their pro just messing around stuff.

07:03.41
Boxhuman
Yeah, way too long. So the the crypt of the um, the witch is disturbed and ah she happens to be an old time. He can feel and ah.

07:18.91
jimbohaunted
Boy you can’t see your lines you’re talking about a wish an old wish an old woman who died.

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07:22.52
Boxhuman
No I’m an old witch She yeah and she was buried alive in her tomb and so basically there are two young lovers who are in love with each other who are because of Havefields Of course you know and they’re forbidden to love and.

07:33.48
jimbohaunted
Wow.

07:41.26
Boxhuman
Etc, etc and witches and witches covens and black candles and land developments.

07:46.29
jimbohaunted
Hey Africanamerican calendars come on and you can’t be fucking doing that ratio shit.

07:51.16
Boxhuman
No I said black is in like with the the capitalized capitalized and now never is from Africa they’re not african-american we we could have canadian listeners still, they’re not.

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07:56.78
jimbohaunted
Capital I like their peepers your your eyes.

08:07.72
jimbohaunted
I don’t know we’re in New Mexico now I don’t know I just chained my accent like this that’s not how they talk in New Mexico but my mind that’s how they talk.

08:12.48
Boxhuman
That’s true. How.

08:19.50
Boxhuman
And also welcome to a new haunted Mtl guys. It is not ah its metal its metal now haunted metal.

08:25.71
jimbohaunted
Um, mettown Yeah, as the the movie that brandock is reviewing is so good or talking about rebranding from Montreal to metal at this point.

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08:34.51
Boxhuman
Well I’m just saying that there’s a lot going on in our lives I enjoyed this movie I Liked the cover art.

08:40.40
jimbohaunted
That was not watching this movie whatsoever. Yeah, okay so why did you pick this movie. Why did you pick this movie.

08:52.41
Boxhuman
Like but cover art and right exactly home run home run for me and it’s launch a Juniorr you know like it’s That’s that’s fun. It’s a fun thing and it was British and you know I thought it was going to be a hammer horror. It was not ah but.

08:58.33
jimbohaunted
Ah, cover art. Um, ah how god.

09:11.71
Boxhuman
It still was it was still really good cinematography actually very good cinematography in the in the way that ah back in the old days of the old time dark shadows kind of cinematography. So.

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09:24.54
jimbohaunted
Hello. Okay, with ah Johnny depp.

09:30.38
Boxhuman
No God No we don’t talk about that one? No, that’s a good show. But no oh and great movie. Yeah, and and our flag means death is also great just a plug there.

09:33.95
jimbohaunted
Oh how about the one with what we do in the shadows and movie. No no shit we should probably do that movie next.

09:50.80
Boxhuman
We could. We could? Ah anyway this movie I enjoyed I did enjoy I enjoyed it. Yes, it was great. It was gothic in the way that British movies are um, it was.

09:51.80
jimbohaunted
But doing the shadows. You enjoy Oh God You Enjoy this movie.

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10:02.56
jimbohaunted
Ah, the war black is deep.

10:09.41
Boxhuman
Fun in that the witch really wasn’t all that scary. But every time that they would look at her The music would trill like we were supposed to be terrified out of our minds. The witch pushes an old woman down the stairs and that’s funny.

10:12.64
jimbohaunted
Which are whichitched the Wicked which.

10:25.19
jimbohaunted
Was the Queen. Ah.

10:28.57
Boxhuman
And was not the queen and anyway the Queen would just like brush herself up and get back up like I swear to god Jim Swear to god.

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10:38.52
jimbohaunted
I Needed to wait from the most inappropriate times and ah, we’d like our thank our ah sponsor the food bank from like dead kittens.

10:50.50
Boxhuman
You need to do to. That’s the did it 1 anyway since you don’t give a shit about this movie and I do I do I give a shit I mean it had to.

10:54.40
jimbohaunted
Like time I try to but I you found the only wishcraft movie that had no titties like what the shit The only one Oh my god.

11:08.65
Boxhuman
They were just covered. They were recovered hidden titties. Actually I think that was with the movie was called this was what when the movie was called before they changed the the title to witchcraft.

11:13.36
jimbohaunted
Name my sex tape hidden to the part 2 Okay, so yeah, Lon Cheney and he’s throwing old women downstairs.

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11:23.96
Boxhuman
He is not the witches. He’s just acting ah very old and wearing a ah cape.

11:32.87
jimbohaunted
As one does. Apparently.

11:36.22
Boxhuman
Yeah I mean he’s launching he it was the old lawn chain Junior so he was kind of like at this point like where is my paycheck but he has a great voice. He does have a great booming voice. Everybody did a great job. Yeah, not like that.

11:47.32
jimbohaunted
A great booming voice Jimbo sounds like someone else you know Jim a great booming voice.

11:55.74
Boxhuman
No, it doesn’t know not like that so I would give this one a 3 adfat cthullus.

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12:02.48
jimbohaunted
3 up I’ve but that’s a lot now I have to ask were there any typebook I know lan cheney is also very famous for like 12 hours of makeup really and just like f this I’m just going to stay my line straight. This is a paycheck for um.

12:11.86
Boxhuman
There was no makeup with with him and like I said right? And like I said even with the witch like they had done some makeup on her. You could tell like to make her look.

12:26.30
jimbohaunted
Ah.

12:28.40
Boxhuman
Kind of older. But honestly I mean she looked really good still for being like 200 yeah whatever it was like from the 1600 so however long that is I’m homeschooled I don’t know I don’t do math.

12:32.61
jimbohaunted
900 years so now

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12:41.79
jimbohaunted
Now Manu home skin it. That’s okay, that’s why you do your your messed up Chula Radius I’m doing a 3.7199999999999998

12:45.91
Boxhuman
I know.

12:51.18
Boxhuman
No my my skills of of critiquing it are on point. Everything else is just kind of to the wayside.

12:58.12
jimbohaunted
You know what? usually they are usually they are I Do enjoy when you’re you know, drawing dinosaur penises and stuff. Yeah, it was really well done. It was really well done. It was amazing and well done by the way I think should do a commaship by the way.

13:06.10
Boxhuman
Thank you I appreciate that I put a lot of work into them I put a lot of work. Thank you, Thank you of dinosaur penises and maybe maybe I will I’ll call it Hidden titties.

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13:17.34
jimbohaunted
But yes, yeah, you can call it wcraft. Yeah and they give it like I’ll get it 3 hidden titties part 5 revenge of the nipple the tittaging. So okay, a 3 I can’t I have to follow that shit.

13:26.70
Boxhuman
And Ti dayss The titting the tit- eating. You have to follow that unless you want to go straight to ouija house which you do not? you don’t it was it was fun I liked it. You just.

13:36.74
jimbohaunted
Him No I do not God as we do. How sound is such a better idea when we said it then I remembered then I had to rewash the fucking trailer Mycons painful.

13:52.57
Boxhuman
Had to watch rewatch the trailer and you’re already complaining.

13:53.86
jimbohaunted
Yeah, oh god I forgot about it all right. Mine is the new 2022 resident evil from Netflix if you thought you know what 2020 and two needs another fucking zombie series.

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14:08.56
Boxhuman
What.

14:11.20
jimbohaunted
If you thought that but boy does Netflix have something for you I guess ah it is resident evil and in kind of like skin only like umbrella companies there umbrella companies other thing frozen. Okay I like the umbrella academy company. Whatever.

14:23.32
Boxhuman
Yeah Umbrella company The Umbrella Academy company. Yes.

14:30.56
jimbohaunted
Ah, they’re just like fucking umbreas at Netflix now I don’t know man if the witch or fights of an umbrella I’m fucking out like that’s it. We’re good. So we have this setup I believe I only watched that I I believe I only watched I did just watch like the none like None or 4 episodes. But I believe the setup is 30 years after the outbreak. Whatever it is kind of going back and forth from time at ping pongs a bit. And if you listen to my last podcast about stranger things I’m sorry for offending like most of the nation apparently but it’s I stand by it still sucks. Whatever do I like the way residents eve boy everyone hates Resin Eva by the way.

15:05.10
Boxhuman
Oh my god.

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15:21.63
jimbohaunted
I like the way resin evil did the exposition because you actually could see it interacting with the story versus just like someone reading off a card this kind of bizarre for me, the acting is well done I like the casting Lance Riddick is amazing in this I actually. Ah, he was someone else from like this is great. But absolutely That’s all you need for me and like if you can make me go like who are you I thought I was a do from spartacus like holy shit that there’s an error.

15:41.53
Boxhuman
He he acted so well you thought he was some one else.

15:52.29
Boxhuman
With the one who passed? Yeah oh ah to share R A p.

15:56.97
jimbohaunted
Yeah I thought it was res and evil they’d bring people back. Yeah I’m not I’m not bringing that out. Don’t worry I mean hold on ah there go. But.

16:08.60
Boxhuman
There we go.

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16:14.00
jimbohaunted
I thought he was the dude from Spartacus probably because like ah oh I can’t remember his name right now. But that guy was in the snake eyes movie I was watching I couldn’t get through because it was just no story just snake highs whatsoever there just like. Fight scenes are okay, fighting scenes and some cheesy dialogue. So maybe that was my mind was watching resident evil and then you have 2 actresses that are a bit believable. You know it’s. Dialogues a bit believable acting was a bit believable the cgi nuts whatsoever. it’s it’s horrible the cgi is just tremendously bad like god no it.

16:59.88
Boxhuman
Who is it like early two thousands bowed.

17:08.60
jimbohaunted
It’s not even that good I believe someone online compared to the starship troopers level cgi and.

17:08.61
Boxhuman
O is it like sci-fi from the early 2000 sp sci-fi channel.

17:18.54
jimbohaunted
I think and and here’s what it comes down to I think all the stranger thing money went to Netflix are they just gave strangers thing all the money and there was no money left over for any type of budget whatsoever for anything else and this sorely shows it just.

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17:27.10
Boxhuman
And so.

17:38.69
jimbohaunted
It’s not ever seen the c incredibledible hulk not like Delu Regalll Mr. Fregno for listening high but the movie the None movie or the None movie the 1 with who’s that director James won ang lee that one too Joe James 1 did

17:51.80
Boxhuman
Ah, Lee Angley

17:58.10
jimbohaunted
Conjuring my Beth I own a well I a horror company and and late where we had like the pixelations you can actually see it pixelate out. Yeah, it’s that level where like god they they did actually some decent practical effects I like what is this go I’ll be practical.

17:58.52
Boxhuman
My god.

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18:16.74
jimbohaunted
It could be walking dead. You know if you’re going to copy the walking dead. Your models will just be walking dead and do practical effects and that’s what the strength of walking dead is practical effects and when they do a Cgi. It’s just like boring as fuck.

18:31.96
Boxhuman
Honestly I really enjoy I Think some of the best things from Resident Evil the movie. Um, ah yeah, and her her her Beaver shot. Um, that’s what they needed and.

18:37.70
jimbohaunted
Beside me which air that’s what needed in witchcraft shed needed my house. Oh I know a hundred percent

18:49.40
Boxhuman
And a lot of movie just and not anybody else just just me a jobovic. But um, yeah is the practical effects like I think everybody remembers Zombie dogs you know like.

18:57.56
jimbohaunted
Sorry you’re saying what resident evil movies did well.

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19:06.22
jimbohaunted
Um, and that’s a shitty thing those major spoilers they bring Zombie Zogs back I’m pretty sure is heja.

19:08.80
Boxhuman
That’s what people remember.

19:14.65
Boxhuman
Yeah, see and that’s that’s the unfortunate thing because when you have really good practical effects. Those are the things that last that in people’s minds.

19:22.44
jimbohaunted
Think it’s engrossing man. Yeah I agree and that’s where I I have an opened mind with this I was excited I was showing someone sex education on Netflix. And like you know if you keep your Netflix on it shows is like random bullshit to you like a screen saver like resin evil has a this is how odd of it I’ve been I’ve been sick for ah like oh they have a tv show like what one does come out. Oh all the episodes are out already. Okay, and.

19:54.29
Boxhuman
This.

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19:58.30
jimbohaunted
Was excited to see it because I like the Reson evil movies. Even the ones were cheesy as hell writing is just like action figure brain candy. Whatever it is this ain’t that it’s got parts of that in it. It’s got. But.

20:10.38
Boxhuman
Now how much do you think is is Mila Jovich then to it. Yeah.

20:15.63
jimbohaunted
Oh ninety like ninety percent honestly god it’s like Jackie Chan movie doesn’t work with fucking Bruce Wallace like what the fuck Bruce Willis like jumping around is desk table. No don’t work that way.

20:25.26
Boxhuman
Right.

20:33.65
jimbohaunted
Um I guess he’s doing diehire 12 but yeah I know the actor or actress can carry a movie or Tv show and the talent of resin evil is there like the acting is there which is unfortunate because everything else is like letting him down. Be frustrating as fuck i’ like I’m doing my best I can with this shit I wonder you why old be 1 Ka Nobi but not, you know you know it’s the man I can’t believe I’m doing this bullshit like. Student film for this guy named George Lucas now goodness but we have no one was at that level of acting here. Obviously not to disourage him when in the cast but come on like the guy had a body of work that’s longer than everyone’s been alive on your cast.

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21:11.60
Boxhuman
Yeah.

21:28.58
jimbohaunted
So We have this. It’s Interesting. It’s got a family drama. It should be more interesting than this and the effects are just wonky and just the the writing is a bit Hokey. It falls down like there’s a guy. Who is like the lead scientist and hes but hard as sometimes he’s nice sometimes but whatever. But there’s unbelievable partsse this is where in a zombie film. You have to believe part of the World. You have to believe this and exist and that’s where I think Ro Evil goes like holy shit this could exist but you’re trying to figure shit out with the people. Yeah. And this is not that it is a zombie film where 2 little girls break into a highly secure Federal. You know, whatever Umbrella company really is federal level security like just 2 little girls like oh I’m gonna go go here who knows. Who cares as pain will say cares but like how does that work. They just like waltz on in through that this this top Security. No fuck that does that’s not believable. It’s not within the realm of possibility for me and then the other thing It’s just.

22:31.43
Boxhuman
Um, now.

22:42.82
jimbohaunted
Like this guy has to take these injections otherwise he might I don’t know die I just watch it first a couple episodes he he’s as lizzo would say he has a spas attack I just found out she got shit for using the word spas in her fucking song and she changed it and she got more shit. So fuck people today. that’s that’s today’s fucking thing fuck people but he he just freaks out. You know it shakes you know you don’t know if he’s gonna die or not and he has a timer like if you knew that you needed an injection. Every let’s say 12 hours when’t you set your timer for None

23:20.48
Boxhuman
Do you think that he and maybe this is a spoiler is he like a zombie. Okay.

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23:21.97
jimbohaunted
Right? Doesn’t paid I don’t know honest to god I can’t even answer that if it was a spoiler and I don’t know I do know like 1 of his daughters has perfect wolverine blood that heals everything and some shit and other daughters like a vegan.

23:38.61
Boxhuman
Um, maybe the perfect. Maybe the the thing that he injects is the blood.

23:43.85
jimbohaunted
Of the perfect daughter I think I think so if they take the vials up. Yeah, but it’s it’s It’s interesting enough I’m I’m gonna say this if you are looking for a resident evil true to the video game. Obviously this ain’t it.

23:46.97
Boxhuman
Yeah, maybe but.

24:03.51
jimbohaunted
If you’re looking for Rusley Evil that he miovvich far as I know of this ain’t it if you’re looking for Rosin Evil that has great C or practical and this ain’t it either. What does practical the facts it does do them Well by the way I should not disparage that.

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24:16.10
Boxhuman
Um.

24:20.46
jimbohaunted
But if you just want to shut your brain off and watch like a soap bop if you want to if feel like man I really wish Miss Marvel had fucking zombies in it there you go this is this is your Tv show is that teeny level of like.

24:30.40
Boxhuman
The and.

24:37.74
jimbohaunted
Your brain shut off, you will enjoy it if you’re sick at home which I was That’s why I was watching this like yeah if you’re sick at home. This is your jam man. You can fall asleep and not give a shit. You’re like like up and like I did this I was watching I do this too many times in Movie. So I was watching firsts. No good None episode. Mostly good woke up around the None episode like ah fuck it I figure out those gaps in the Storylines fine someone escape from something someone did this there. There’s not a lot of stakes sometimes and sometimes there’s a lot of who knows.

25:09.69
Boxhuman
It sounds like a watered down WVBVirgin yeah

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25:13.79
jimbohaunted
It is it that that’s a I think that’s apps. It’s like someone said I want to remake the walking dead but I want to do it for the hallmark channel. And please if they give us a budget for any effects I want to blow it all on a cgi dog. No I know we have dogs I know we had dogs I know we could do dogs that are practical I know our franchise has them but I want the worst. Cgi dog that make people go I’m like I’m paying an None bit video game right now. What the fuck.

25:49.46
Boxhuman
Honestly, that would be more entertaining I think if kind of like a no just having an 8 bit kind of system like you know.

25:50.61
jimbohaunted
None the decisions.

25:57.24
jimbohaunted
The good bevis but head thing. Yeah so I’m gonna give this who I thought I internet’s taken tear us apart I think it’s got three point five on imdb. Oh my. That’s too high. Remember indb is out of None like oh no, it’s not.

26:14.10
Boxhuman
Yeah I was just going to say like that’s lot of 10

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26:17.94
jimbohaunted
I am flipping between a None 3 but because I like the cast I’m giving a 3 I’ll give a 3 I think you got to know what it is if you’re expecting keynote is this obviously yeah but give it a 3 make your own decisions if you have netflix.

26:25.36
Boxhuman
Okay, yeah.

26:36.53
Boxhuman
Like now.

26:36.70
jimbohaunted
Don’t buy Netflix for this like if you’re like oh I really want like re like now just just save your fucking money. Don’t don’t get Netflix just for this. But if you unfortunately bought it for Resin or resin up stranger things for you’re like man I I wish I watched something that makes stranger things for us look better I think this you found it. This is this is the niche. Maybe that’s why they bought it. Maybe that’s why Netflix dev developed this like we need to make stranger things for it look better in comparison. We made this movie. So yeah I’ll do I’ll go 3 out of 5 cthulus. It’s not horrible, but whatever. Yeah, no crap. That’s right we get through 3.

27:06.26
Boxhuman
Okay, we got 3 3 we got 2 threes? Yeah yeah, ah.

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27:14.38
jimbohaunted
We’re gonna break this with right now. So as our team up we are doing oh God ah none other someone here’s a cat none other than yeah, the ouija house you’re right God I I.

27:19.98
Boxhuman
Media move.

27:29.54
Boxhuman
Um, niji has I.

27:34.34
jimbohaunted
Ah, agreed to ouija house I don’t know why I agreed the ouja house it sound like a good idea at the time. It’s not a good idea any time is painful and we have people in Ouja House. We don’t even know if they do. And I mean like the actors and actresses I don’t know these people they they sound familiar.

27:59.44
Boxhuman
Misha Barton I swear I’ve heard this name many times I don’t know why though I don’t know I I don’t know from where I don’t I looked at her.

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28:07.25
jimbohaunted
And right? but.

28:14.70
jimbohaunted
The O C me neither.

28:14.80
Boxhuman
Like I amdb and I’m like I I didn’t watch that. So I you know like I’m like I don’t know where I know you from. But oh yeah, definitely that that would be it. No I’m just kidding.

28:23.89
jimbohaunted
Her jeans enclose commercial volume 1

28:31.70
jimbohaunted
Once and again tart Ca Blam These are things I don’t mean what they are they they they just like.

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28:33.59
Boxhuman
Um.

28:38.26
Boxhuman
I know I remember Kablam but I don’t remember what she was or who she was um.

28:44.63
jimbohaunted
Ah, Betty am bonggo I guess like it’s a cartoon show then right? It’s a voice.

28:49.56
Boxhuman
Um, Ka Blamem was it was a few different types of cartoons and um things like that. Yeah, oh okay, um.

28:56.77
jimbohaunted
Um, was one a Jean’s commercial because that’s what she’s most popular for apparently. And I know people are screaming at us she was in blah blah blah like well fuck man.

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29:07.86
Boxhuman
Oh I know people are probably like dying right now and I’m sorry but I’m an old box I don’t know what I’m I’m a dinosaur I don’t know what she does? Um, yeah, but Tara reads in it.

29:16.40
jimbohaunted
And we do research we look this up I still don’t know why I know that name I’m like there Reid I know I know her name because I trustsh her too many top.

29:27.84
Boxhuman
Terra read is in it for like but she’s not really in it in it. She’s in it really not very long which is very upsetting to be honest.

29:33.21
jimbohaunted
Yeah, that’s upsetting. Yeah because I really do like Tara Reid I enjoy her movies I we said Ter Reid move it. Oh great fucking sharknados to be awesome like no we g house Mike really.

29:47.43
Boxhuman
Um, yeah I’m looking forward to her Tara reads ah do podcasts.

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29:53.55
jimbohaunted
Yes I think we need to make that happen I think that be my last like thing. Yeah I’m firing all you motherfuckers I’m hiring terra Reid to do a podcast tarries.

29:57.80
Boxhuman
Where she reads reads ah books and she’s going to be on audible.

30:09.12
Boxhuman
That’s a hundred percent I understand I get that I implore that ah but ah yeah, she’s not in it for very long which is a shame I liked the concept of this idea. This is a good.

30:22.20
jimbohaunted
Me too I.

30:24.80
Boxhuman
Idea um is the execution I don’t know so the concept is you know? um well for one you know in the 80 s um they were doing a ouija board reading in ah in a witch house bad things happened you know.

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30:41.98
jimbohaunted
Yeah, yeah.

30:44.37
Boxhuman
Um I think only one of them survives which I believe is terra and years later. Um, they’re going to go to the house these new people and they’re going to do it all again. These new kids.

30:49.90
jimbohaunted
Right? yes.

31:00.41
jimbohaunted
Why not.

31:03.25
Boxhuman
Why not? um because it’s spooky and whatnot. So but the thing is instead of using a real like ouija board. Um, the house becomes the ouija board.

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31:06.34
jimbohaunted
Paper you hot up.

31:17.51
jimbohaunted
Right? because they is pan out of the walls and stuff right? yeah.

31:22.00
Boxhuman
It’s painted on the walls and stuff and also on her 1 of the girls I don’t think there’s too much of a spoiler I well I mean she she swallows the plant shed which is a stone.

31:28.49
jimbohaunted
Breasts was the breast I don’t remember oh she swallows Kate Blanchett I don’t remember that movie.

31:38.43
Boxhuman
Yes, yeah, it was extremely graphic. Yeah, it was extremely visceral and graphic that she swallows Kate Blanchett um

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31:46.20
jimbohaunted
Graphic like a pictures and stuff.

31:55.30
jimbohaunted
Well I guess people love looking at that one.

31:56.60
Boxhuman
No, she.

32:03.80
Boxhuman
Um, um so know she’s full as the plantit which I think is a stone and um, she kind of becomes the plantit herself because she’s possessed and she’s the one who’s going through the house and so basically the house is the ouija board.

32:13.21
jimbohaunted
Ah, yeah.

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32:21.91
Boxhuman
And they’re trying to find their way out of said house and also trying to find the the reason why the house is haunted so again, this is actually really an interesting concept. It’s an interesting premise. Um. It was kind of fun looking for the clues inside the house. Ah, and I thought that was great. The execution. It was a little bit like early two thousand S Blum House you know the type of just like.

32:39.63
jimbohaunted
Lose clues.

32:54.59
Boxhuman
Hey we’re friends. We’re friends get a party hey guess what guys I got a ouija board where a raija board.

32:59.21
jimbohaunted
No, no, no, no hold up hold up. It’s not that good I watched the damn trailer again is not that good is people are reading plastic lines I don’t know if it’s because of editing or the acting I don’t know what’s off something’s off sometimes.

33:12.67
Boxhuman
Are you saying that I should go back in time and be in a blum house film from the early 2000 thank you I appreciate that? No no blum house now is I think a lot better I think.

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33:19.00
jimbohaunted
Ah, you should you could do blum house now I mean I enjoy Blum House I I think a jarggernaut.

33:30.51
Boxhuman
What oh yeah, they’re a juggernaut but I think when they were None getting their feet wet. Um, yeah, they were throwing spaghetti so there was a lot of a lot of duds too and um.

33:35.50
jimbohaunted
Well, they’re just talking like spaghetti and seeing what stuck? yeah. You You just to be fair, It’s more dozen I had or that makes me sound better or worse I don’t know but I was trying to pump them up I was meaning like you you you take all the shots you missed or.

33:49.35
Boxhuman
I Don’t know what that sounds like Tmi I don’t want to know what you pump up. He I think you’re just actually making them sound worse to be honest, well.

34:00.43
jimbohaunted
Don’t make it get it out. You miss all the shots you take. But how do out my supposed do sound sorry Jason.

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34:09.22
Boxhuman
Well I’m what I’m saying is they finally found their footing. They finally found I think um, a really good good um place that works for them. Ah, but some of the early 2000 ones were a little bit rough.

34:13.98
jimbohaunted
With the crafts that blood seemed worse than carry.

34:25.00
jimbohaunted
Like what like what? what? What? what.

34:29.20
Boxhuman
I’m trying to remember some of them because a lot of them were forgettable I’m sorry they were.

34:33.28
jimbohaunted
But we know who’s not forgettable D Wallace and D Wallace is in Ouja house.

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34:42.60
Boxhuman
But I thought you would go say Zencastr or your fucking shoes your fucking zero shoes or whatever.

34:44.94
jimbohaunted
No no my ex e r o zero shoes. No that they’re fantastic d well as she might have a pair but she can’t have mine I’m very jealous of theming though. Just. Tech up of my shoes by zero shoes x e r o s h o e e s dot com and you know use promo code later on but I love D Wallace and when she was in it ah made me excited to say by Deve Wallace and we got Tara Reid and Misha Burton if I remember who who that hell that is.

35:18.78
Boxhuman
Yeah, so started.

35:21.56
jimbohaunted
Ah, so excited and that was it. It was like my girlfriend is a good witch and I’m giving the delivery actually better props than it should so I just I don’t understand things like I don’t know. And there’s some really good horror people like we have Tiffany Shepis is in this like there’s some really good individual actors and naress but they just can’t pull together for some reason this is the right.

35:49.78
Boxhuman
Yeah, no, they I think I think it was the writing I think a lot of it was the writing in kind of the directing. Um.

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35:58.71
jimbohaunted
And directing the editing like could also be an honest I God I’ve seen this in movies before maybe just pologing for my own acting there’s there’s some stuff in editing. There’s like what did you do? Maybe that’s what this is. It’s just like they just.

36:14.62
Boxhuman
Or honestly, what happens a lot in the movie biz from what I hear especially in horror um is that you know ah producers get involved or you know companies get involved.

36:16.94
jimbohaunted
Bosh.

36:33.41
Boxhuman
And they say we want you to cut this. We want you to cut that we want and then it makes the story weaker and more watered down and just a lot more chaotic and so and that could have also happened. It could have been maybe ah, a bigger story or a.

36:40.28
jimbohaunted
Yes.

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36:52.12
Boxhuman
More robust story and you know, corporate and interference said No no, no, we can’t have that and that and that you got to cut all that.

36:58.30
jimbohaunted
Yeah, which is I believe why we picked this for James Squared because damn it this is a good premise a fucking house is the ouija board. Are you shitting me? That’s awesome.

37:04.64
Boxhuman
Yeah, it’s a great promise. Honestly, honestly if we could remake a movie I would love to see this roommate I would love to see this roommate because ah, that’s a good question.

37:13.95
jimbohaunted
Does know what you want? What was the budget this movie.

37:22.11
Boxhuman
Honestly, the wiki for this movie is not very expansive. Yeah, that’s exactly it. It was a movie. Um.

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37:24.29
jimbohaunted
No, it’s kind of like it was a movie. They actually spent less money on promotion than okay, it gross up any movie that grosses less than my yearly salary. That’s not like a indie darling bullshit thing. Yeah needs to.

37:45.70
Boxhuman
Yeah, yeah, which again is a shame because I feel maybe again, it’s a good premise So I’m thinking maybe the writer did have a good script and it just got watered down.

37:49.92
jimbohaunted
Something is horrifically wrong with you.

38:00.62
jimbohaunted
Yeah, and it was 2018 ah yeah, release may fifth 2018 so it’s like you can’t even blame straight on pandemic.

38:04.40
Boxhuman
No, it couldn’t have been was it are you kidding me? Oh it felt like it was from the 2005 era no offense it did

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38:15.64
jimbohaunted
Now and just really poorly done I think.

38:19.54
Boxhuman
Yeah, and I and it could have been good and I think that’s where I I really push for movies like that because it’s like it. It did have a great premise it had um it does have a great poster.

38:31.19
jimbohaunted
A great poster. It does have a good poster by the way I think we actually mentioned this before in a different podcast. We probably never release the post is the best thing in the movie.

38:40.84
Boxhuman
Ah, yeah, yeah, it really is. It’s very eye catching. It’s and you know honestly if we they did do um, a reworking of it. This could really work and it could be a good movie.

38:53.64
jimbohaunted
And yeah and it’s so fresher you all frustrating him. It’s got Chris Muy in it with the awardwin answer for fucks sakes.

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39:09.64
Boxhuman
Oh really, oh let’s.

39:12.82
jimbohaunted
Did Captain Phillips and whiplash and Castle Rocky the twin pigs bar walk him but he was doing all this stuff. These are great actors these are individually arguably and solid actors and actresses. They do not work together. Well.

39:17.31
Boxhuman
Ah, the individual.

39:30.67
jimbohaunted
Like there’s no chemistry whatsoever. There’s no cohesion. There’s no nothing. That’s I think I think right I think they did. There’s some scenes and the editors like well we need to do something wrong.

39:38.71
Boxhuman
Yeah I think so I think it’s just it’s a watered down. Whatever it was supposed to be because it it just didn’t rise to what it could have been and it could have.

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39:56.11
jimbohaunted
Yeah, it this Barton in it whoever hell that is she’s perfect. Genius I think she was a good wishitch I don’t know.

39:56.20
Boxhuman
Been really good it it she had and she had great jeans she was wearing some great jeans. So what do you think you would give this movie then.

40:11.44
jimbohaunted
God I was dreading that question. Maybe I’ll give this like a pull I don’t know take pile of fuck you no I’ll give us a ah welcome to stream and yeah of shit.

40:12.94
Boxhuman
I know.

40:30.97
Boxhuman
Yeah I was going to say a 2.5 for me. Yeah, because again, there were some things that I liked in it. Um I think just something went wrong, something went wrong in the process because you can see people trying.

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40:31.29
jimbohaunted
Ah, 2 tip Byfi for you. Okay.

40:50.00
Boxhuman
And you can see people putting in effort and that there was originality to it. Um I Just don’t know where in the process it fell.

40:54.87
jimbohaunted
Yeah.

41:00.74
jimbohaunted
It and it did fall man. It wasn’t and it was not special effects. The special effects were fine. The does lighting the the individual components of this was fine. It’s just something really.

41:08.66
Boxhuman
Um, yeah, yeah, so. Yeah, something something happened and I don’t I can’t put my finger on None but something happened and if you were involved in ouji house and you would like to reach out to us. Ah, you can reach out to us at haunted Mtl on Twitter.

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41:18.27
jimbohaunted
10 and click.

41:34.83
jimbohaunted
Yeah I have you on you prim what do you want? I’ll do interviewing you know oh you learn about instagram reals yeah I know I don’t really care much about Instagram because I don’t you know wonder but I learned that reals if you do a real.

41:36.90
Boxhuman
Um, or we’re on Instagram we’re in on Instagram.

41:54.83
jimbohaunted
It gets like None of views. It’s bizarre people like more people see me put together a bike than like anything else we had on Instagram for horror.

41:55.70
Boxhuman
Oh.

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42:03.98
Boxhuman
I mean putting together a bike is an important facet in our lives I don’t know I I do not know how any of this stuff Works I’m sorry people I try my best I I make the most.

42:09.72
jimbohaunted
I Gas math how you figure this crap out. Shit I Apparently go.

42:22.16
Boxhuman
Beautiful dinosaur penises and I put them on my Instagram. Thank you.

42:22.64
jimbohaunted
You do you do and some Jackass tells them that they’re dinosaur Penos I Honestly I would give you at what are you? What we don’t want fuja house. Okay, yeah, yeah, it’s one of those things where.

42:34.36
Boxhuman
Yeah, I’m done. Um I said what I had to no.

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42:42.17
jimbohaunted
I would rather look at a book of your dinosaur penises and I really would I think that’s a great art style for you and I think I can see sequential art for that I would rather do that than watch I’d rather produce an art book a brand’s dinosaur penises than watch.

42:44.49
Boxhuman
Oh thank you.

43:01.86
jimbohaunted
Oi House ever again. Yeah fantastic I enjoy them I enjoy them and not my it’s I’d rather do a lot of things other than you know I’d rather spend a lot of money doing like.

43:04.17
Boxhuman
Well I mean my dinosaur penises are really nice. Thank you I Appreciate that.

43:18.57
Boxhuman
You’d you’d rather put together a bike and put it on Instagram.

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43:19.33
jimbohaunted
And artbook. Ah yes I Actually oh and sunny bikes If you guys are wondering what kind of bike you can get. It’s like sunny really put some great cheap but solidly bill easy to put together bikes.

43:32.27
Boxhuman
And then you you wear your zero shoes and you put on your Misha Barton pants and you just get out there man and you listen to your zen casters and ah and you’re good and you listen to your terra reads.

43:36.46
jimbohaunted
I. For your mega F beer. Yeah I put my mega f beer inside the thing.

43:50.58
jimbohaunted
Terror reads I would love you know what? if I ever get to if I ever get the chance I will break Kfa I Like ah you know we get doc so I have a great promotion for you. It’s terrorries. And yeah I can’t wait. It’s awesome.

43:52.50
Boxhuman
Which I hope is coming out soon.

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44:10.50
jimbohaunted
It’s gonna be cool brand new now way new podcast about dinosaur penises comes out in June of 2020 yeah now I appreciate everyone so that’s our oh wait wait plugs.

44:16.27
Boxhuman
So yeah, it’s gonna be great. Yeah, it’s gonna be great.

44:26.53
Boxhuman
No, we got a plug. We got to plug so since my movie this week was witchcraft and talking about witchcraft I decided that I would like to um plug land of hope.

44:30.90
jimbohaunted
Plugs. Okay brannic. We want to plug.

44:35.10
jimbohaunted
Just yes.

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44:45.38
jimbohaunted
Let them know.

44:45.49
Boxhuman
Um, which their mission is to save innocent children accused of witchcraft from exclusion torture and death. Yeah I knew yeah I knew you were gonna do that. Um, if you have seen like there’s.

44:53.78
jimbohaunted
Dude, that’s not the joke What the shit. Oh my god.

45:02.64
Boxhuman
Pictures on the internet of one of their founding people like giving water to one of the children that was accused of witchcraft and who is starving. Um that was like in 2006 um they’ve really grown since then they have a lot of children that they take care of and to provide. Um.

45:12.75
jimbohaunted
Wow.

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45:22.57
Boxhuman
Housing for education for things like that. So land of hope. Ah, it’s you can go online. It’s land of hope dot global and you can read about the well it says that HttpS land of hope dot global.

45:32.57
jimbohaunted
Not global. That’s a thing Wow Ge running out of things I guess.

45:42.42
Boxhuman
I don’t know but it talks about the children that they help and it talks about some of the things that they’re doing So go check them out. Yeah.

45:50.80
jimbohaunted
So what kind of children are they that their children of who accused of witchcraft like like which which cut not to be a dick what country.

45:58.34
Boxhuman
Um I believe it might be I don’t want to say anything without knowing let me see um Nigeria is which children.

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46:04.71
jimbohaunted
Okay, blink twice of its North America oh yeah but you know what there is this I read from I read from Michael or ah or wire. He was someone I published long ago he wrote a short story called nya bar the night whichitch and there’s actually a witch doctor problem there like an honest guy like kill little kids which doctor problem. So I can I kind of see what the culture is coming from. But yeah it if if you allowed kids to me come on man learn from our mistakes. Don’t burn kids alive if they are doing. Ah.

46:51.26
Boxhuman
I am not going to say anything culturally but I am going to say these are interesting kids I hate you so much I need to take that away from you. Where’s my gazeoo.

47:00.11
jimbohaunted
Cheese you the Lasie is in there.

47:09.85
Boxhuman
I mean my good zo um anyway land of hope land of hope I think land of hope dot global. But if you just Google land of hope you will you will see yeah don’t although nope.

47:11.90
jimbohaunted
Land of hope dot global.

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47:21.57
jimbohaunted
Yeah, don’t Google land of nope which is my title my sex tape land of nope you well I will follow that one I only have one plug and it’s going to be the one I put my let you go no.

47:29.21
Boxhuman
Nope I am looking forward to.

47:40.51
jimbohaunted
I’m gonna plug bodies are we have a call for an anthology for women’s charities and if if you want to do horror horror adjacent come on in I’ll even take poems I don’t give shit but let’s let’s make a little anthology out so I can stress it but with the covership.

47:44.28
Boxhuman
Yes, puppe.

47:50.91
Boxhuman
Yeah.

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47:56.87
Boxhuman
For women for women and.

47:59.12
jimbohaunted
Like fo chair for women’s yeah I goal is like multiple charities like for education for women and like legal rights for women and abortion rights for women and and Emily Dickinson which out. Yeah.

48:04.81
Boxhuman
Emily Dickinson right do you like poetry and shit come and put in some work and give us your money so we can give that money to Emily Dickinson

48:19.50
jimbohaunted
That’s right, bigger up.

48:20.32
Boxhuman
And they give her that sweet sweet money and also girls who code and I.

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48:24.83
jimbohaunted
There’s a money month Our yeah like’s education and it’s like it’s It’s all what’s a holistic thing for them I think I think that’s the best.

48:36.61
Boxhuman
It’s a great thing. It’s a great. It’s going to be a fun anthology guys like you know it’s It’s rough right now for afabs and for women out there. So like let’s let’s get to it. Let’s get writing and.

48:50.48
jimbohaunted
What the fuck a fab the the guy from oh Jesus fucking Christ what that being a fabs is that ah a female. So.

48:54.15
Boxhuman
A femaleist assign at birth which I am fuck off 8 fab assigned at birth which is what I am because I’m non-binary fuck.

49:06.50
jimbohaunted
Oh that wrong one I’m so sorry I was supposed to do this one? Sorry um, their neck through direct.

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49:10.28
Boxhuman
Yeah, cool. So anyway and if you like haunted up tl we’re really LgvT cube friendly obviously

49:19.60
jimbohaunted
We we actually we are We are though I mean I think we are.

49:25.93
Boxhuman
Yeah, so anyway, a fabs if you’re out there give a holler a boo woo and ah come over and and give us some of your the stuff that we you got you know we would like to read it.

49:41.59
jimbohaunted
Yeah, and it doesn’t matter who you are everyone can submit and read and buy and stuff like that. It’s all goodness gracious and we do just always say I’ll hit this on like some people do like well we cover Reno you. Percent goes charity like no the whole fucking thing goes to charity I eat the cost of production. Whatever yeah like put I have if you see my camera my eye my hands and my my face my hands right now like guy know. Yeah.

50:02.82
Boxhuman
A hundred percent

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50:10.12
Boxhuman
Yeah, his fingers are digging into his skull and eyeball sockets. Yeah yeah, and and that’s when Jim says I give a sheds.

50:18.22
jimbohaunted
My eye holes. Yeah, but that’s true. It’s it’s a hundred percent and every time my account goes like what the fuck you doing man.

50:28.60
jimbohaunted
No no I think that’s ah the proper thing. But thank you for that and with that said, remember kids if you saw a movie that we have it. Well.

50:28.55
Boxhuman
And this is what I do to give a shit. So yeah.

50:44.61
jimbohaunted
Fucking good for you. There’s like what couple billion people on that planet. Theres 2 of us shit can’t cover them all. Yeah I mean.

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50:47.80
Boxhuman
There’s like and there’s a billion like movies out there fuck it. You know like we cannot but we’re trying we’re getting there I think we got like ah 1% so far.

51:01.12
jimbohaunted
It’s like just my battery life on my damn phone one percent. So I’ll get sometimes you know, but with that said to be behalf myself Jim Phoenix and my co-host JMBranick we bid you good day.

51:15.41
Boxhuman
By-bye Goodbye Bye mom.

51:17.38
jimbohaunted
Bye Everyone put order good.

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Movies n TV

Goosebumps, Cuckoo Clock of Doom

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on

Named for the 28th installment of the original book series, The Cuckoo Clock of Doom has the least in common so far with its source material.

Thankfully, the story isn’t negatively impacted by this. I can honestly say so far that these episodes just keep getting better.

The story

After the last episode’s explosive ending, I’m sure we were all more than a little worried about James. I for one was worried we were going to have an example of the Bury Your Gays trope on a kid’s show.

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Cover of R.L. Stine Cuckoo Clock of Doom

Thankfully, that’s not the case.

We go back in time again to Halloween night, and this time we see what James was up to.

Mostly he was up to trying to flirt with his crush. Everything seems to be going well until James lies about being interested in football.

He tries to leave the house, but instead finds himself back at the basement door when Isaiah is trapped and the cuckoo clock is going off. James then shows a remarkable amount of genre savvy and tries his best to escape the house. Each time he does, we see another version of him walking away.

Eventually, he devises a plan to break the clock at just the right moment, but not before he gets some intel on his crush’s favorite team so he can score a date.

Back in the real world free of the time loop though, James finds that he has far more worries. Every time he tried to escape the house, a duplicate version of him was created. And all of those duplicates are waiting for him.

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Back at the Biddle house, though, there’s a surprise waiting. One of the James duplicates has brought Harold Biddle a box. A ventriloquist dummy-sized box.

An empty box.

What worked

The effects of this show so far have been wonderful. When the other characters hit a James duplicate, it doesn’t just die. It explodes in a Nickelodeon-style wave of slime. This is just fun, and I’m kind of sad there doesn’t appear to be more of the duplicates around.

I mean, I wouldn’t rule it out.

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Ana Yi Puig in Goosebumps.

Did I mention that these duplicates appeared to smell like watermelon Jolly Ranchers when they exploded? That was a visceral detail that was both alarming and terrific. They could have smelled bad. They could have smelled like rotting plants or people. But no, they smell like candy.

Of course, the characters continue to steal the show. Margot and Isaiah could be said to be the main characters, but everyone comes into this with main character energy. They are all funny, all capable, all smart. And they all seem to care about each other.

I loved that James and Isaiah talked about how they were feeling. I think it’s important that we’re modeling that for young men. They talked about what was bothering them, and they made up.

Finally, though, we have to talk about Justin Long again. His acting in this just keeps stealing the show. He dances like a cartoon and jumps from joyful to violently furious at a moment’s notice. The character doesn’t know how to act, and watching him fail to act right in front of people never fails to make me laugh.

What didn’t work

I honestly can’t say that anything didn’t work in this episode. But there is something about the show that I, at least, don’t like.

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There’s no real blood or gore. There’s more blood when I eat an actual jolly rancher because I always cut my tongue on them.

Now, this show is pretty clearly not for kids and young adults so there’s probably not a lot of need for too much gore and violence. But if the bloody stuff is more your style, like me, the lack of it might disappoint you.

Fans of the Goosebumps books will know that everyone ended with a twist. And the show so far has been no different. And the ending of this episode has been the best so far. The tension of Margot’s mom’s impassioned reaction, blended with the revelation that Slappy is somewhere in town is just too much. I can’t believe we’re only three episodes in and I am this invested. I hope you are too.

Viewer beware, I suspect things are going to get a lot worse for our characters before they get better.

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4.5 out of 5 stars (4.5 / 5)

If you’re a fan of my work, please check out my latest story, Nova, on Paper Beats World. New chapters launch every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

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Book Reviews

Monastery Series 6: a Book Review

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The newest installment of Monastery is a packed bag of goodies. It’s nearly impossible to discuss everything that happens in this episode, but I’ll give it my best shot. If you thought the stakes were high before then you best buckle up. We’re about to take a ride on the craziest rollercoaster you can imagine. Let’s begin!

Plot

We pick up right where we left off in the last episode of Monastery – Cassandra helping Francis cover up George Turner’s murder (she should have a business card at this point). As their luck would have it, a group of kids discover the body the very next day. Albert hilariously describes the interview that follows as pointless cameos. Our resident gang correctly assumes that the pair had something to do with it. They narrow down their investigation to probe Francis further with little success.

We also get more insight into Cassandra in this episode as it is her 60th birthday. I am shocked to say that she tugged my heartstrings this time round, especially during the seance at Madam Witch’s. During this experience, we see Cassandra and Albert reuniting at what we assume to be heaven. For those few minutes we as readers see that despite everything, there was – is – some genuine love between the two. I thought this interaction brought yet another layer to their already complex dynamic. It goes without saying that the scene between Pop Dennis and Nana Beth during the same type of experience will bring tears out of anybody.

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However, my sympathy for Cassandra doesn’t last long. When she thinks everyone forgot her birthday, our resident grandma gets wasted. This causes her to nearly spill murderous beans at her super awkward surprise party organized by David. Our pointless return as he seemed to invite the most random Monastery residents.

Speaking of David, the poor guy is still stringing Erica along all the while pining for Nicole. Not that he is fully at fault as Erica doesn’t seem to take the hint. Must be hard not to hurt someone’s feelings when you can’t be with the one you love anyway, right? Unsurprisingly, this causes Nicole to finally confront her feelings for David properly, and the two end up having sex. Their dynamic now has more layers than a matryoshka doll since both are in relationships, not to mention the family aspect. Although considering Erica sees everything, we can assume David is newly single and in for a rude awakening.

Fred continues to be the biggest underdog in this episode. As if what happened between his girlfriend and his cousin won’t be enough of a blow, Cassandra also kicks him out of her house. The question of where he’s going to stay now remains a mystery. Perhaps this is an opening for him to leave Monastery once he inevitably finds out about their betrayal? Time will tell.

As for our investigative squad, their main quest is slightly pushed to the background. That is, until Thomas discovers a bloodied toy car. This only brings more questions as to what exactly went down the night Albert died. Their investigation is put to the biggest test yet when Rocky, everyone’s favorite dog, is taken by an unknown assailant. This person threatens the gang to drop everything, or else. The installment ends on quite an anxiety-filled note and I would like to have a word with whoever is responsible. I got my guesses and all I will say for now is that their name rhymes with Dick. 

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Overall thoughts

The sixth part of Monastery showcases once again what’s so great about this story. We got a mixture of everything – mystery, murder, fear, love, lust, heartbreak, but most of all, family. It’s arguably the biggest theme of the story and this episode showcases it perfectly. The party scene, while quite anxiety-inducing for me, was also hilarious and moved the plot while showing off different dynamics. Although I’m not gonna lie, everything that I was curious about now fades in the light of Rocky’s abduction. This is the turning point of the story for me and I’m just clutching my dog tighter thanking all the gods that I haven’t pissed off some psychopath.  5 out of 5 stars (5 / 5)

More from the author:

1. This episode of Monastery really focuses on the complexities of Cassandra’s character. In one of our previous talks, you mentioned that she is the hero of your story, albeit an extremely flawed one. We get a whole spectrum of emotions from her, from missing Albert to calculating George Turner’s cover-up to helping Francis to kicking out Fred – she is her own one-woman show. I guess what I’m curious about is, what’s your opinion of redemption arcs and is this something that you’re interested in doing with Cassandra or are you happy to keep her deliciously villainous yet human as she is (if you can share, that is)?

A good redemption arc is a hard thing to pull off and I often find that it hinges on convenience more than anything else – we redeem characters after they’ve done unspeakable things simply because we still love and root for them. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, but redemption is not something I think about too much where somebody like Cassandra is concerned – she is who she is, a hero and a villain, a mother and a monster, both deep and shallow, and I am happy to keep her as she is for now without worrying too much about redeeming her.

2. Further to my last question, you have no qualms about writing complex characters who do messed up things, maliciously or not. Have you got to the point writing Monastery where you stopped liking a character you created or stopped rooting for them because of this? Alternatively, have you grown fonder of a character because of how you crafted the story and where they ended up?

Honestly, the nastier the characters get, the more I love them. I get an immense kick out of Thomas blackmailing David or Nicole playing mind games on the boys she likes – those are the scenes I always can’t wait to get out. I never stopped rooting for anyone, but I will say this: when I’m caught up in the moment and the words are flowing out of me, these characters can shock me sometimes. There was an instance in episode 3 in which Aunt Doris made me spit out the words, “You bitch”, as I was writing her dialogue. I couldn’t believe the things she was saying, and I was the one writing them! I live for those little moments.

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The dinner party scene was chaotic to say the least. Was your intention to make the readers anxious or to make them laugh and reminisce of their own family gatherings (hopefully without a murder revelation)? I got a bit of both, personally.

The dinner party served three big purposes for me: a) it was a bit of a breather after the intense drama of the midseason finale and its aftermath; b) it plays into the satire element of the story, as yes, family gatherings (especially in a small town) are always full of drama; and c) it was a rare opportunity to bring the whole family together, since there’s so many of them and we can’t possibly always have them in the same place at the same time. It was nice to just press pause and dig a little deeper into who they are and what makes them tick, whilst still teasing the readers about the mystery. I’m glad it awakened all those emotions in you!

Bonus question – Rocky is okay, right? Right? *pleading sad face emoji inserted*

Rocky is a series regular. All series regulars are featured in all ten episodes, and there’s four more to go. But then again, one of those regulars has been dead from the start, so…

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Movies n TV

Goosebumps, The Haunted Mask

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Episode two of Goosebumps was honestly more fun than the first. It was dark, funny, infuriating and wonderful. Best of all, it has a killer twist ending.

Let’s discuss.

The story

Based loosely on the 1993 story of the same name, The Haunted Mask begins sort of partway through the first episode.

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Cover of R.L. Stine's The Haunted Mask.

We’re introduced to a character we haven’t seen much of so far, named Isabella.

Isabella’s life doesn’t seem great. She’s all but invisible at school. She is responsible for taking care of her little brother. It seems like her only real joy is bullying people online. She was the person who tried to get Allison’s party canceled by sending the invite to her parents. Why? Because she is a very unhappy person.

Despite trying to get the party canceled, she decides to go anyway. At the Biddle house, a voice calls her down to the basement. There, she finds a mask.

The mask inspires her to do wild things. She wanders around the party, flirting with everyone. And she has a great time.

Several days later, after Isaiah breaks his arm, Isabella brings an expensive drone to school to get shots of the football team’s practice. Unfortunately, Lucas breaks it fooling around. And Isabella, tired of being ignored, says some awful things to him.

When her mother grounds her because she took the drone without asking, the mask compels her to do some awful things.

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What worked

I would first like to talk about the storytelling structure in this season. It appears that we’re going to be getting the events of Halloween night multiple times, from multiple points of view.

Ana Yi Puig in Goosebumps.

I love this structure. It’s unique, and it allows for more mystery in a shorter period. It’s also more complex, showing just how much madness was happening, while just showing one part of the story at a time.

Another thing I appreciated was the evolution of the character Lucas.

On one hand, it’s easy to be angry at Lucas. Even if he thought the drone belonged to the school, it’s still kind of a selfish move to break it.

But Lucas just lost his father. We don’t know how yet, but we know from Nora that his death caused Lucas to start doing things like jumping on drones and skateboarding off the roof from his bedroom window.

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We all mourn differently. Losing a parent as a teen is awful. So while we can all agree that he’s being a problem, he’s also being a sad kid working through something hard.

And the same can be said for Isabella.

Look, we still don’t know what the adults of this town did to make Harold Biddle haunt them. But we do know that these parents are messing up in all sorts of other ways. And Isabella is suffering from parentification. She’s being forced to play mom at home while being ignored by her classmates at school. Even without the mask, I could see her lashing out and trashing the house.

Finally, I love Justin Long in this series. His visual comedy was fantastic here, as he falls through the hallways. But he also manages to be scary as hell. His creepy smile and jerky movements are enough to make anyone’s skin crawl. I honestly can’t think of a living actor who could have played this better.

What didn’t work

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If I have one complaint about this episode, it’s the music. It’s not terrible, but it’s not great. Every song seems like it’s just screaming what the characters are thinking. Which isn’t really what I’d consider the point of a soundtrack.

Maybe it’s just a curse on RL Stine. None of his projects can ever have good soundtracks aside from the theme song.

Unlike the original Goosebumps series, there were moments in this episode that did startle me and unnerve me. Which is wonderful. And while it’s still clearly for kids, it’s something anyone can sit down and enjoy. I’m very excited for the rest of the season. But what do you think? Let us know in the comments.

4.5 out of 5 stars (4.5 / 5)

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If you’re a fan of my work, please check out my latest story, Nova, on Paper Beats World. New chapters launch every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

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