Review: Happy Birthday to Me (1981)
Blow out your candles and I hope you wished for a review, because I take a look at this 80’s b-horror, Happy Birthday to Me.
So. I’m another year older this month. Happy birthday to me. And I’ve always have done something special on my birthday because I’m one of “those people”. Maybe an apple orchard. Maybe fighting robots TO THE DEATH. Maybe an ice cream dinosaur party. Looking for sea glass on Lake Huron.
However, to be frank, after my divorce from glorious spouse earlier this year, it’s been a bit lackluster around these parts. The shine is taken off. Most my friends are miles and kilometers away. I’ve been just kinda rolling around and figuring where this rolling stone will fall.
Birthdays are becoming, sadly, adult. Not sexy adult. Lame adult. Like “socks are great gifts” adult.
BUT GUESS WHO’S BACK JUST IN TIME FOR SPOOPY SEASON??
I feel spooky-season coursing through my veins. I bleed pumpkin-spiced blood. I am the night. King of the pumpkin patch. Back from the dead, baybeee.
So come celebrate spooky season and my birthday month with me as I go through 31 horror movies this month. And maybe 31-ish horror reviews? Maybe? I mean I sometimes have a life. Regardless, all 31 films that are new and fresh to me. Not one repeat, friends. No re-watches. Clean, virginal eyes on each one.
So, let’s get to it. Starting with HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
The Plot of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME:
Ginny has everything. She has a doting father, an enormous house, some terrible but elite friends, and a terrible but elite school she attends. But one thing she doesn’t have is a mom. Well, she did, but then there was that freak accident that Ginny still can’t remember.
However, now that she’s settling back into her old life and getting ready for her birthday, people keep dying. What the heck is going on? And what happened to her mom? And her brain? And her panties?
Oh, it was one of her so-called friends who took her panties? Welcome to the ’80’s.
Thoughts:
Campy good fun because HOLY MOLY it makes absolutely no sense. Screenplay by three people? I believe it because what a weird and wild ride as the story seemed to split into completely three different stories. A kind of exquisite corpse of a movie. Not like we, at Hauntedmtl, know anything about that.
Her so-called friends (they’re horrible people) are dying by a mysterious killer. She was part of some kind of brain experiment after the accident. Her mom died a mysterious death that no one will talk about. And her therapist is, like, way too close to her. Like, there’s a lot to unpack.
And even when you get to the end, the plot twist is more of a, “….huh. Okay.” Because there is no lead up to it. You literally cannot guess the full extent of it because it’s so out of left field. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME is WILD. In the most delicious and bananas way.
So…I’m kind of in love with HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME? It’s absolutely a friends’ horror night movie. And while the acting gets a bit shaky, Melissa Sue Anderson is KILLING IT. This would have been a dumpster fire if not for her superb acting as the main character, which is full of grace and vulnerability. I wish this had been the movie to really catapult her career into movies because it would have been well-earned.
Brainroll Juice:
I’m always curious about birthday horror movies. Partly because my birthday is in October, obviously, but also there’s something so personal about one’s birthday. In many horror tropes, the birthday usually signifies a coming of age, quite literally as the day is usually the beginning of a nightmare. It can signal a child becoming an adult and regaining mysterious powers like in Teen Witch. Or a prophesied catastrophe, like Good Omens. Or the worst day of your life, like VFW.
There is something inherently sacred about one’s day of birth a day to be protected and cherished. And when something threatens that, it becomes profane and twisted. And it’s an interesting focus in horror because it is so, so personal. We have seen bodies after bodies fallen during slumber parties, camping trips, Halloween nights, summer camps, but when it becomes personal, death becomes a different threat on one’s own birthday. It’s an inherent and intimate tragedy. To be taken from this world on the day you were given to this world, it’s chilling.
Murder, She Wrote Quota:
So, I have this running thing about how most horror movies in the 1980’s have at least one person who was in Murder, She Wrote because, bless, that show had everyone in it. I think I’m in it. Somewhere. If you lived in the 80’s, you’re probably in it, too, and don’t even know.
And it’s probably on my top ten shows of all time, so, I’ll make a running tally this year for shits and giggles. I was going to say who was in it and what episode, but that’s tedious, so just a yes or no will do it. If you wanna search who, knock yourself out.
Bottomline:
Campy and twisty-weird plot. Great for a b-movie night this Halloween season.
(3 / 5)
Breaking News
Joe Bob Briggs Creepy Christmas spooktacular: The Last Drive-In Special Charity phenomena
Famed horror host, Pulitzer Prize nominated, and Cracker Barrel aficionado Joe Bob Briggs is back in action, ready to bring some macabre merriment to your holiday season with Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas. It also gives us horror fans something to take into the new year, be that something Darcy’s panties (sorry, box, I tried) or just the intangible good feels of hanging with friends and supporting a lot of good causes.
The Return of Joe Bob Briggs’s Christmas Special
The Joe Bob Briggs’s Christmas event is akin to a Jerry Lewis telethon for Gen X, with a twist of ‘the last drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs’. This ‘Briggs’ auction of sorts is a nostalgic nod to the past, especially for those who remember the telethons. The dread, however, has shifted from the … well… whatever Jerry was supposed to do (see Sam Kinison’s bit on this for more info) to that of evil goodies.
Without a doubt, this Joe Bob Briggs special is the event we eagerly anticipate each year. It’s a tradition, and a worthy one at that. We hope to see everyone on the interwebs, joining the ‘creepy links’ and engaging in the conversation (We’ll be on Threads and Twitter….tag us as you wish!) ‘live’ the only way anyone should ever watch a tv show (oh, and I guess on demand, but ya weirdos will never know the sting of the Iron Mutant Award!). ‘Live’ is the only way anyone should ever watch a TV show, especially ‘the last drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs’ (as it’s far too hard to watch tv whilst dead).
Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas The ‘Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy the Mail Girl’ special will hit the airwaves live on Shudder TV and AMC+ TV on Friday, December 15th at 9 p.m. ET. Fans of ‘the last drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs’ can also catch the special on-demand starting Sunday, December 17th.
A Creepy Christmas with a Cause
In its fourth year, the holiday tradition of The Last Drive-In goes beyond mere entertainment. It aims to use the platform to raise funds for four vital causes. The charity auction will feature unique props and exclusive merchandise from The Last Drive-In and memorabilia from Briggs’ illustrious 35-year career…including some of his unspoken work as John Bloom. I say Unspoken, because if anyone remembers the first Christmas Special, the autographed copy of Eccentric Orbits was featured (sincerely, a good book–check it out if you haven’t. Jim gives it 4.5/5)
The supported charities for Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas will include:
- Wildlife Conservation Network
- Paralyzed Veterans of America
- Every Mother Counts
- Solving Kids’ Cancer
The Mystery of the Joe Bob Briggs’s Creepy Christmas Special
The anticipation for Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas is high, with fans wildly speculating what films will be featured. Personally, nothing can beat the #1 top horror Christmas film of all time, the Easter classic: Passion of the Christ (if a snuff film about a guy who doesn’t fit in getting whipped and nailed up doesn’t scream horror story, I don’t know what does. Also: See Sam Kinison’s concept on crosses and resurrection). However, a Christmas movie I really want to see up on this is Hogzilla and Kiss Save Santa Clause! BOOMMM!! Christmas Won!
As we eagerly wait for December 15th, we wonder what surprises our favorite horror host, Joe Bob Briggs, has in store this time. Will there be exclusive ‘merch’ that Jim will buy and then accidentally put in a Toys for Tots box in the mall?
Join the Fun, Join the Cause, Join the Joe Bob Briggs Christmas event!
Are you ready to dive into the world of Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas? Do you dare to watch along and help raise money for a good cause? If so, join us at HauntedMTL on Threads (_HauntedMTL_) and maybe Twitter (@HauntedMTL) as we experience the thrill and chills that only Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy can deliver.
Remember, this is not just about indulging in some good old horror fun with ‘Joe Bob’s’ double feature. It’s about giving back and making a difference. So, let’s gear up to have a creepy Christmas with ‘Joe Bob Briggs’, filled with ‘christmas horror films’, ‘christmas demons’, ‘christmas slasher films’, ‘ho-ho-horror’, ‘yuletide horror’ and insightful ‘horror commentary’.Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas and make this holiday season memorable for all the right reasons! I’m sure Fright Rags will have another stellar set this year, too. They are perfect for the horror fan in your life (even if that fan is you!). I can’t wait to see what they have in store (no pun).
SPECIAL — IF YOU WANT Freeeeeeeee (as supplies last) Fright Rags Joe Bob Briggs merch for this year, just tweet/thread at us during the event and Jim will pick the one that makes him chuckle the most (you will need to give us your address and size in DMs)
No subscription to watch Joe Bob Briggs’s Creepy Christmas yet? No problem! Check the link below:
AMC Networks’ Shudder is a premium streaming video service, super-serving members with the best selection in genre entertainment, covering horror, thrillers and the supernatural. Shudder’s expanding library of film, TV series, and originals is available on most streaming devices in the US, Canada, the UK, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand. For a 7-day, risk-free trial, visit Joe Bob at www.shudder.com.
Airing in December of 1998, How the Ghosts Stole Christmas is a classic monster of the week episode of the X-Files. Except, of course, it’s ghosts, not monsters. Because it’s Christmas, and there’s no better time for a little ghost story than that.
The story
Our story begins like any good holiday evening should. Mulder is telling Scully a ghost story. They’re sitting together outside a supposedly haunted house on Christmas Eve, waiting for the ghosts of two lovers to appear. The story is that they killed each other eighty-one years ago, that very night. Mulder is very excited to see some ghosts. Scully would rather be at home celebrating the holiday.
One of these people has a family life and a dog. The other only has his partner.
Eventually, the two of them do make it inside, where they find an elderly couple named Maurice and Lydia. They seem like a nice enough couple until things start getting weird. Doors lock and unlock as they please. Lydia and Maurice seem to appear and vanish. And, of course, some dead bodies are found.
As Scully and Mulder try to find each other in this sprawling maze of a house, the ghosts are after them. They tell them terrible, insightful things about themselves and each other. The scary thing is that some of this is good advice.
The scary thing is how much of this Mulder and Scully needed to hear.
Eventually, our heroes escape, though they sure don’t exorcise the ghosts in the house or themselves. Lydia and Maurice are left to enjoy their quiet Christmas Eve in the comfort of their love, no longer a raging fire of passion, but a warm bed of glowing embers.
What worked
First off, let me say that I’m a sucker for a bottle episode. Especially in a show like X-Files. (And it is a true bottle episode, being the cheapest episode of the season.) For the most part, our story takes place in one location, with just four actors. It is tense, it is tight, and it is intimate.
Honestly, this episode has everything going for it. Of course, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson bring their A Game. And they’re joined by two of the funniest comedic actors of all time, Ed Asner and Lily Tomlin. These people could read you the phone book and have you in stitches.
But the writing is also exemplary. Mulder and Scully are forced to take a good look at how they treat each other, for better or worse. They have to consider their relationship, the way they live their lives, and the darker voices in their heads.
In the end, I think they come together beautifully.
Finally, I want to praise the location. The haunted house looks so much like Hill House, it can’t be an accident. It’s in turn freezing and warm, falling apart and beautifully maintained. The cobwebs and hanging sheets on the unused furniture are just classic. And with the massive fireplaces, bookshelves to the ceiling, and the well-stocked bar, the whole place has an air of old-fashioned comfort, left to rot.
What didn’t work
I honestly cannot think of one thing that didn’t work in this episode. It’s funny, it’s touching, it’s dark. It’s the perfect Christmas episode of television.
In the end, How The Ghosts Stole Christmas is a dark, spooky little tale. It’s filled with scares and chills but still manages to warm your heart. And if you want to fit a little more blood and gore into your holiday watch list, this is a great way to do it.
(5 / 5)
Released in 1997, it would be understandable if you confused this Jack Frost with the movie of the same title that was released in 1998 and starred Michael Keaton. We are not talking about the Michael Keaton Jack Frost because it’s not horror. It’s also not good.
(Look at that, you’re getting two reviews in one today. Merry Christmas.)
No, today we are talking about Jack Frost, starring Christopher Allport and Scott MacDonald. And it is possibly the most bonkers Christmas movie I have ever seen.
The story
We begin our tale in a very messed up fashion. A little girl asks her uncle for a bedtime story on Christmas Eve. The uncle tells her about a serial killer named Jack Frost who was caught after leaving bits of his victims inside pies. But there’s no need to worry, the uncle explains. Because Jack Frost was caught and is being executed that very night.
And we won’t be hearing from these two characters again for the whole movie.
Instead, we cut to Jack, being transported to his execution. Somehow he manages to escape, only to be doused with some sort of acid and melted into the snow.
Meanwhile, the sheriff who caught Jack Frost, Sam, is trying to come to terms with his death. He’s thankful that he’s gone, but the nightmare just doesn’t feel over yet.
Then, of course, people start turning up dead in his little town. And in spectacular ways.
Slowly, Jack Frost seems to work his way through a family called the Metzners. Even though it appears that this family didn’t have a single thing to do with him. First, he murders their son, then proceeds to stalk the entire family.
Sam is joined by an FBI agent named Agent Manners and a scientist named Stone. Together they fumble around the tiny little town, trying to figure out how to kill Jack. Bullets do nothing. He can melt and slip through cracks. But hairdryers seem to do the trick.
What worked
I’m going to be honest here. Nothing in this movie was good. The effects were bad. The writing is bad. The constant snow puns are bad. The acting is bad.
But it is this exact combination of bad aspects that makes Jack Frost funny. It is so intentionally bad that it is hilarious. None of the characters are likable, so we’re not overly upset when they’re murdered in horrific ways. None of the effects look real, but they look fun. The writing is awful, but it’s hilarious.
And here’s the greatest thing about Jack Frost. Everyone working on it is having fun. You can just tell that every single actor is having the time of their lives. Nobody was having a single bad day on stage here. And that alone makes Jack Frost enjoyable to watch.
What didn’t work
One thing I have to say here is that the acting was just bad. It was not, I believe, intentionally bad acting. That is to say, it wasn’t a talented actor acting badly for comedic effect. This was just bad acting from almost everyone in the cast. The two exceptions are Allport and Marsha Clark, who plays Marla. Everybody else is overacting so hard that they’re pulling muscles. They’re chewing the scenery so much that they’re not going to have room for Christmas cookies.
Or oatmeal.
To enjoy Jack Frost, you need to have a deep appreciation for campy effects, bad snow puns, and really inappropriate humor. It’s one of those movies where you turn off your brain, make sure all loose items are secured and your lap bar is completely locked, and enjoy the ride.
If you can do that, then you’re going to have a great time with this movie. If not, don’t worry. There’s lots more holiday horror to come.
(4 / 5)
Jennifer Weigel
October 8, 2023 at 5:51 pm
This is a great idea and fun review series. I am catching up on several and finally just came to this one, and I love the Murder She Wrote them. Adult birthdays suck. My grandfather died in a sailboating accident on my eleventh birthday and it hasn’t been the same since. Other family history from around that time of year has always held a cloud over the occasion though. There’s something about coming to recognize one’s own mortality then that other days just don’t have as much presence with. Being and unbecoming as it were.