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So. I’m another year older this month. Happy birthday to me. And I’ve always have done something special on my birthday because I’m one of “those people”. Maybe an apple orchard. Maybe fighting robots TO THE DEATH. Maybe an ice cream dinosaur party. Looking for sea glass on Lake Huron. 

However, to be frank, after my divorce from glorious spouse earlier this year, it’s been a bit lackluster around these parts. The shine is taken off. Most my friends are miles and kilometers away. I’ve been just kinda rolling around and figuring where this rolling stone will fall.

Birthdays are becoming, sadly, adult. Not sexy adult. Lame adult. Like “socks are great gifts” adult.

BUT GUESS WHO’S BACK JUST IN TIME FOR SPOOPY SEASON??

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I feel spooky-season coursing through my veins. I bleed pumpkin-spiced blood. I am the night. King of the pumpkin patch. Back from the dead, baybeee.

So come celebrate spooky season and my birthday month with me as I go through 31 horror movies this month. And maybe 31-ish horror reviews? Maybe? I mean I sometimes have a life. Regardless, all 31 films that are new and fresh to me. Not one repeat, friends. No re-watches. Clean, virginal eyes on each one. 

So, let’s get to it. Starting with HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

The Plot of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME:

Ginny has everything. She has a doting father, an enormous house, some terrible but elite friends, and a terrible but elite school she attends. But one thing she doesn’t have is a mom. Well, she did, but then there was that freak accident that Ginny still can’t remember.

However, now that she’s settling back into her old life and getting ready for her birthday, people keep dying. What the heck is going on? And what happened to her mom? And her brain? And her panties?

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Oh, it was one of her so-called friends who took her panties? Welcome to the ’80’s.

Thoughts:

Campy good fun because HOLY MOLY it makes absolutely no sense. Screenplay by three people? I believe it because what a weird and wild ride as the story seemed to split into completely three different stories. A kind of exquisite corpse of a movie. Not like we, at Hauntedmtl, know anything about that.

Her so-called friends (they’re horrible people) are dying by a mysterious killer. She was part of some kind of brain experiment after the accident. Her mom died a mysterious death that no one will talk about. And her therapist is, like, way too close to her. Like, there’s a lot to unpack. 

And even when you get to the end, the plot twist is more of a, “….huh. Okay.” Because there is no lead up to it. You literally cannot guess the full extent of it because it’s so out of left field. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME is WILD. In the most delicious and bananas way.

So…I’m kind of in love with HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME? It’s absolutely a friends’ horror night movie. And while the acting gets a bit shaky, Melissa Sue Anderson is KILLING IT. This would have been a dumpster fire if not for her superb acting as the main character, which is full of grace and vulnerability. I wish this had been the movie to really catapult her career into movies because it would have been well-earned.

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Brainroll Juice:

I’m always curious about birthday horror movies. Partly because my birthday is in October, obviously, but also there’s something so personal about one’s birthday. In many horror tropes, the birthday usually signifies a coming of age, quite literally as the day is usually the beginning of a nightmare. It can signal a child becoming an adult and regaining mysterious powers like in Teen Witch. Or a prophesied catastrophe, like Good Omens. Or the worst day of your life, like VFW.

There is something inherently sacred about one’s day of birth a day to be protected and cherished. And when something threatens that, it becomes profane and twisted. And it’s an interesting focus in horror because it is so, so personal. We have seen bodies after bodies fallen during slumber parties, camping trips, Halloween nights, summer camps, but when it becomes personal, death becomes a different threat on one’s own birthday. It’s an inherent and intimate tragedy. To be taken from this world on the day you were given to this world, it’s chilling.

Murder, She Wrote Quota:

So, I have this running thing about how most horror movies in the 1980’s have at least one person who was in Murder, She Wrote because, bless, that show had everyone in it. I think I’m in it. Somewhere. If you lived in the 80’s, you’re probably in it, too, and don’t even know. 

And it’s probably on my top ten shows of all time, so, I’ll make a running tally this year for shits and giggles. I was going to say who was in it and what episode, but that’s tedious, so just a yes or no will do it. If you wanna search who, knock yourself out.

YES.

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Bottomline:

Campy and twisty-weird plot. Great for a b-movie night this Halloween season. 3 out of 5 stars (3 / 5)

When not ravaging through the wilds of Detroit with Jellybeans the Cat, J.M. Brannyk (a.k.a. Boxhuman) reviews mostly supernatural and slasher films from the 70's-90's and is dubiously HauntedMTL's Voice of Reason. Aside from writing, Brannyk dips into the podcasts, and is the composer of many of HauntedMTL's podcast themes.

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1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Jennifer Weigel

    October 8, 2023 at 5:51 pm

    This is a great idea and fun review series. I am catching up on several and finally just came to this one, and I love the Murder She Wrote them. Adult birthdays suck. My grandfather died in a sailboating accident on my eleventh birthday and it hasn’t been the same since. Other family history from around that time of year has always held a cloud over the occasion though. There’s something about coming to recognize one’s own mortality then that other days just don’t have as much presence with. Being and unbecoming as it were.

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Movies n TV

The Boys, Season Four Finale

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We have come now to the finale of season four of The Boys. And while it didn’t have the literal blood fireworks I wanted, someone did get ripped in half in the air. So, that’s pretty close.

As a note, I will try to avoid spoilers as much as possible. This ending was a hell of a gut punch that should be experienced as blindly as possible. That being said, I will not be able to avoid spoilers and still give a full legitimate review. Proceed at your own risk.

The story

The main storyline for this episode is the attempted assassination of President-Elect Robert Singer. The Boys join forces with the Secret Service to protect him. But, as we learned last episode, Annie has been replaced with a shapeshifter. A shapeshifter that was welcome not just into Hughie’s anus, but into the protective bunker in which the President-Elect is hiding.

What worked

The first thing I want to discuss about this episode is the ending. But we need to do this carefully.

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The important thing here is that the ending breaks your heart on so many levels. So many terrible things are happening to characters that it’s almost hard to keep track. And each moment is significant to each character.

I cannot give a specific example. But no matter who your favorite character is, you’re going to weep for them.

Jack Quaid in The Boys.

Unless your favorite character is Sage. And this is the next thing that made this episode so fantastic.

I don’t think I’m spoiling anything to say that Sage’s plans worked out exactly as she wanted them to. And she got exactly what she wanted.

What she wanted wasn’t power. It wasn’t money or fame or vengeance. It wasn’t to win the love of anyone. She just wanted to see if she could do it.

That is a terrific, terrifying motivation! Because all she wants is to play a massive game of chess with people as pieces. She doesn’t care about anyone. She just wants to see how many people she can manipulate. She just wants to set things on fire to see if she can.

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Fantastic. A plus villain work.

The next thing I want to discuss is a cornerstone of the whole series.

The morality of The Boys shifts through the series. While it’s very much a battle to save the world from overpowered super monsters, it’s also a battle for the souls of our real heroes. And in that battle, there are two warring factors. We have Hughie, always trying to bring everyone up to a better level. And we have Butcher, who has no problem at all hitting rock bottom with a shovel in hand to do some more digging.

In this episode, we saw almost every member of The Boys challenged. Will they rise to their higher angels, or sink with their demons?

On a similar note, I am so glad that the writers kind of addressed my issues with Annie. They did this by having the shapeshifter get right into her face and accuse her of thinking that she’s better than everyone.

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Erin Moriarty in The Boys.

While that was devastating for the character, it was a little cathartic for those of us who felt like Annie was a little too good of a good guy.

What didn’t work

This is a small matter, but it is an issue that I want to address. After Annie finds out that Hughie slept with her doppelganger, she is furious at him.

In addition to this being unfair, it’s also a very cliche element to add. In almost every instance of a lookalike in fiction, there’s a moment where the love interest of the victim is fooled. Or almost fooled. And it’s always the same fight. It’s just played out and predictable. I’m just glad that it didn’t last very long.

Now that we’ve come to the end of the season, I can officially say that it was amazing. The story was deep and rich. The special effects were a stomach-turning good time. The character development was spot-on and satisfying. And, of course, it left me just about gagging to see what happens next. Unfortunately, it looks like we’ll have a bit of a wait. Because as of right now, the fifth season isn’t expected until 2026.

5 out of 5 stars (5 / 5)

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The Boys, The Insider

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We’ve reached the second to last episode of The Boys, season four. And, as is appropriate for the penultimate episode of any show, things have to get a lot worse before they can get better.

Let’s discuss.

The story

Christmas is coming, and the whole world is getting ready. Ryan, despite being very clear that he didn’t want to appear on any TV shows or movies, has been strong-armed into participating in a Vought puppet Christmas special. He draws the line, though, when asked to sing about turning one’s parents in if they start talking about woke things.

Cameron Crovetti in The Boys.

Meanwhile, The Boys are trying to keep each other together. Butcher decides to take Sameer to the rest of the team. He also gets Frenchie out of prison, hoping they can make the Sup virus necessary to finally take down Homelander. Instead, this decision means disaster for one member of the team.

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What worked

I first want to talk about Ryan’s speech near the end of the episode. Because it was exactly the moral of this whole story.

Ryan’s dad is a monster. His stepdad is also kind of a monster. But Ryan is a good kid. He cares about people, about family. And while he loves Homelander and Butcher, he doesn’t want to be like them.

Even better, this speech sounded like something a kid would say. Ryan didn’t open his mouth and start sounding like a college student all of a sudden. He sounds like a kid who misses his mom and wants to live up to the good standards she set for him. And I think that’s terrific.

Speaking of Homelander, he shot himself in the foot in this episode. I said earlier in the season that his hubris was going to be his downfall, and I was right. Without Sage, he just has the same weaknesses he’s always had. He’s going to fail because he just isn’t clever enough or patient enough to succeed.

Without Sage, I think a win is in the bag for The Boys. This isn’t to say that Homelander by himself isn’t dangerous. It’s just that he’s more like a wildfire than a controlled burn. He’s going to cause a lot of damage, but not get anything he wants out of it.

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More’s the pity for him and everyone else who has to share his world.

Finally, I am thrilled with A-Train’s redemption story. I love that he wants to be a good person not to save himself, but to be a good person. His honest, pure and warm reaction to that little kid smiling at him in the last episode was heartwarming. It changed him in a moment, bringing to light a goodness that he’s been keeping under wraps for a long time.

Jessie T. Usher in The Boys.

This, along with Ryan’s courageous speech, proves once again what The Boys does so well. Yes, it’s gruesome. Yes, there’s blood and balls and batshit events. Yes, someone occasionally gets ripped in half. But there is a true human goodness in the story. One that we catch glimpses of. There are good people among the monsters. There is hope for redemption.

What didn’t work

Of course, so few things in this life are perfect, and this episode was no exception. For instance, I was irritated by the insinuation that Butcher cheated on his wife.

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That just doesn’t make any sense. We’ve seen flashbacks of Billy and Becca. They were happy. He was happy. He was head over heels for her. And I don’t think it’s realistic or necessary for the character to throw in that he cheated. It does nothing to add to the story, it’s just a weird and offputting moment.

Doesn’t Butcher have enough to hate about himself? Can’t we just give him that at least he was a good husband?

Finally, I kind of hate that we ended up with Annie being caught. It’s just cliche, which is something I don’t normally say about this show. It feels lazy unless they do something very clever with it in the last episode. Which, I suppose, they might.

Next up is the season finale. And with this season being as insane as it has been, I’m expecting nothing short of bloody fireworks. And I mean literal fireworks of blood. At this point, would it surprise anyone?

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4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

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Movies n TV

The Boys, Dirty Business

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Episode six of The Boys was one of the most surprising episodes of the series so far. And that is certainly saying something. Because this season has so far been bonkers.

The story

Our episode today revolves around a party at Tek Knight’s lovely mansion. Yes, it does look just like Wayne Manor.

The Boys know that Tek Knight is working with Homelander on something, but they don’t know the details. So they decide to send Hughie in to bug the mansion.

Because that’s worked so well the other two times he’s tried to hide a bug!

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It should surprise no one that this time goes no better. Hughie finds himself in Tek Knight’s basement. And by that I mean his BDSM dungeon.

Meanwhile, the party upstairs is no less disturbing. Homelander and Sage are trying to convince some well-off political donors to support a cue after the election. When pressed for details on his plan, Homelander freezes. He looks to Sage for help, but she wasn’t recently shot in the head and still in the junk food stage of her healing.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your point of view, Neuman jumps in and saves the day.

Claudia Doumit in The Boys.

What works

If I’m going to say one thing about this episode, it didn’t hold back at all. I didn’t expect them to show a character masturbating, sitting their bare behind on a cake, or spraying breastmilk into someone’s face. But every time I thought they’d cut the scene and let something be left to our imagination, they did not do that.

Derek Wilson in The Boys.

This is a dangerous move. Whenever you show the monster, you run the risk of them not being scary enough, or gross enough. As Stephen King says in Danse Macabre, to leave this sort of thing to the imagination if the reader makes things so much worse. So when they finally experience the monster, they might say that this isn’t so bad. It could have been so much worse.

But in this case, they managed to avoid that by making the scenes, especially the ones in Tek Knight’s dungeon, so much worse than I imagined it would be.

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What doesn’t work

While this was a deeply disturbing episode in many ways, there was one really innocent and sweet moment.

And yes, I did have a problem with it.

Confronted by Firecracker, Annie decides to apologize for spreading rumors about her when they were kids. She tells her that she is genuinely sorry.

And I believe her. I don’t think Firecracker did, but I did.

So why is this an issue? Because I’m starting to think that Annie is maybe too nice. She is too good.

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I know that Annie is our good guy. But every one of the other good guys has flaws. Hughie let his pride get in the way and took Temp V. MM hid himself from his daughter instead of teaching her to work through her emotions. Kimiko is far too closed off and has a hard time trusting others. Frenchie numbs himself with drugs. And well, what hasn’t Butcher done?

It is unrealistic that Annie is just so kind and so flawless. We all have shadows in our personalities. We all have weaknesses, we all mess up. We all do things we wish we could take back. The fact that Annie doesn’t seem to have anything like that is not just unrealistic. It’s infantilizing.

Give her some deep dark secrets. Give her something real to regret.

This was a shocking episode, even for someone fairly jaded like me. I wasn’t expecting the sort of weird sexual depravity, though I guess maybe I should have seen it coming. It was dark, upsetting, tense, and funny as hell. And with just two episodes left in the season, I can imagine the stakes are only going to get higher.

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4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

By the way, if you like my writing you can get my short story, Man In The Woods, on Smashwords and Amazon.

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