This is going to be a hard one to review, not only because itâs a controversial remake (in name) of a classic, but also because itâs chaotic as a movie, too. The only spoiler that Iâm giving in this review is that a prominently featured unicorn figurine with an extraordinary large horn is disappointingly *not* utilized in any type of maiming or killing, which was a real missed opportunity.
The Plot:
I say that it’s a remake in name because it’s quite different from the original (1974) and remake (2006).
Riley and her sorority sisters are getting ready for winter break as she is still struggling with a sexual assault that occurred in her past. She mentors another sister, Helena, while being friends with Marty, Jesse, and the out-spoken Kris. She begins to get weird texts via their schoolâs notification system after she and her friends perform at a talent show, opening mocking the fraternity her assailant belongs to.
Soon, the strange texts escalate and they realize that theyâre being hunted by a masked figure. They must work together and fast to discover the secrets behind the universityâs history and unravel its dark past, terrifying present, and devastating future…
The Good:
The acting from Imogen Poots exceeded my expectations. It
was not an easy role, and had challenging dialogue to not only convey but to
make believable. Good use of body movement, especially when solitary and during
quiet moments, for example in the blue portrait hallway before the talent show.
I think sheâd be great in an indie horror.
Same with Aleyse Shannon, especially when a lot of her
dialogue was very clunky. I hope sheâs in more Scream Queen parts, especially in
different roles.
Set design is beautiful with the âold traditionâ narrative of the story. Every creak of the floor is real and genuine-feeling, and not a manufactured sound in post-production. Whoever scouted the areas did an amazing job.
Thoughts: Brain Roll Juice
SoâŠ.yeah. Itâs a heavy-handed #MeToo feminist film, so your tolerance and taste for the movie are going to be dependent on your opinions of the #MeToo movement. And itâs not subtle winks and nods, itâs most of whatâs on screen, down to the pink snow shovel and diva cup used as weapons (in different ways).
And itâs told in the lens of Blumhouse Productions, so we get pink cat-ear headbands; Secret Santa vibrators; putting in a tampon in front of a roommate; thong-talk; the phrase âboy-cottedâ; push-up bras; and the many times when people are corrected for using the term âgirlâ instead of âwomanâ. Surprisingly, there was not white wine, yoga pants, or pumpkin-scented candles present. Â Â Â
What Iâm saying, is that while there are things being said, things that rightfully should be said, itâs through a tight and mediocre lens. It felt more like an episode of Riverdale mixed with 13 Reasons Why than a remake of a classic slasher film, including the off-screen deaths and lack-luster ambiance.
Also, thank goodness that the characters had stockings with their names, or literally necklaces of their names, so I knew who was who because they so often blurred together. Which is fine, almost standard, for a horror/slasher film, but not when your message is that we should care about these women from the beginning.
Character-wise, I knew almost nothing about them, any of them. It was even a throw-away line that we learned our main characterâs parents had died, and this was never brought up again.
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My wild guess is this: this was not originally a Black
Christmas remake; it was a script about a sorority house that was slapped with
the title to promote it. Itâs so disjointed -plot and script- that I think
there were a lot of scenes cut by the studio because they either got worried by
the message or decided to double-down on the message. I think these scenes
would have made it flow better and given more character development, maybe even
a better ending (which didnât make a lick of sense).
I donât think the changes would have made it a great movie, but I think it would have been a better one. And donât get me wrong â there have a lot of subpar movies made since the dawn of film, and this one is better than most, if just for the effort of trying to say something, especially in a male-dominated field of horror. Props to that. But at the end of the day, will this get more hate/vitriol than Blumhouseâs Uncanny Annie or Truth or Dare, even though they were of equal or lesser value? Yeah. Will a lot that hate/vitriol come from people reading a few keywords and not actually watching the movie? Sure. Maybe that’s the real juice to roll your brain in.
One last thing of note before I sink back into the darkness. I find it odd that with PG-13, we canât watch a human being bleed after getting stabbed in the chest by an icicle, but we can watch a woman be assaulted multiple times, and that meets quality standards for a 13-year-old.
Oh, and Riki Lindhome co-wrote the song for the talent show.
Bottom-line:
Donât watch this as a first date movie – super awkward.
(2.5 / 5)
When not ravaging through the wilds of Detroit with Jellybeans the Cat, J.M. Brannyk (a.k.a. Boxhuman) reviews mostly supernatural and slasher films from the 70's-90's and is dubiously HauntedMTL's Voice of Reason.
Aside from writing, Brannyk dips into the podcasts, and is the composer of many of HauntedMTL's podcast themes.
Happy Election Day for all those who choose to celebrate. I was originally planning to run down the list of the most extreme American Presidential portrayals featured in Doctor Who. However I quickly realized this would not be possible. This is because most times when the American President appears in Doctor Who, the series treats them nicely.
Sure, the Eleventh Doctor said Richard Nixon was âNot one of the good onesâ in âThe Impossible Astronaut,â but that was the limit of the criticism. The very real Harry S Truman, and the very fictional Tom Dering, were manipulated into almost starting a nuclear war. However the Doctor in both cases sees them as victims of the manipulations of beings arriving from outside of Earth. Since Donald Trumpâs election in 2016, most references to him in Doctor Who media have been jokes on the basis of his appearance.Â
Compare this to how the series treats the role of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Weâve had Prime Ministers who wanted to start a nuclear war, for no clear reason, in Roger ap Gwilliam. One Prime Minister was secretly a Sea Devil in the comic strip Clara Oswald and the School of Death. Prime Minister Greyhaven acted as a Quisling to the invading Ice Warriors The Dying Days. And of course, the Master as Harold Saxon became Prime Minister of England, and proceeded to wipe out ten percent of humanity.Â
So unlike the leaders of the UK, Doctor Who tends to be slightly more respectful when it comes to Presidents of the United States. So thereâs not a lot of terrible, weird, or dangerous Presidents to discuss.
Except for one. And to discuss this one, we need to talk about the world of Faction Paradox.
Faction Paradox – Origins
The year is 1997. The TV Movie from the previous year introduced the world to the Eighth Doctor as portrayed by Paul McGann. However, a new series, or sequel following on from that did not appear. Instead, the ongoing story of Doctor Who continued in the world of BBC Eighth Doctor Adventures.Â
This series developed in response to the Movie, allowing people to see what the Eighth Doctor did next. Â Initially the series focused on safer and familiar Doctor Who story tropes. Previous series had tried to push the boundaries and concepts for a more mature audience, but the BBC returned to attempts to replicate the TV series.
Until âAlien Bodiesâ written by Lawrence Miles was published. This book introduced the Doctor Who Universe to the world of Faction Paradox.
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Who are Faction Paradox?
To put it imply, The Faction Paradox, also known as just the Faction, are a time traveling voodoo cult. The Faction live in opposition to the views and beliefs of the Time Lords. Time Lords aim to keep timelines pure and free of contradiction. Therefore, the Faction seek paradox and disorder in time. They wear skulls that are bigger than their faces, because their skulls are bigger on the outside. While the Time Lords are based in Gallifrey, the Faction Paradox mostly claim their home in the Eleven Day Empire â the eleven days âskippedâ when England moved from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian Calendar.
While the Faction opposed the Time Lords, they were rarely direct enemies of Gallifrey. Instead they tended to manipulate and take advantage of factors effecting the Time Lords. In particular, with the Faction Paradox we see also the first Great Time war.Â
This is not the same Time War we see in the TV series between the Time Lords and the Daleks. Instead, in this earlier war we know the Time Lords will be eventually fighting a war with an unknown enemy. While this war has not started yet, elements of this future war are drifting backwards into our present time. The Doctor purposefully tries not to find out too much about this war, in particular who the Enemy is. By doing this, he hopes of keeping the war a hypothetical reality, rather than a pre-determined future.
However, the Doctor was unable to avoid the technological changes the impending war would bring. For example, the Doctor begins to see the development of future sentient and humanoid TARDISes. While still being a time and space vessel, carrying Time Lords within them through the vortex, they appear as people. Able to hold conversations and physcially walk, they are both time ship and companion in one. Eventually, the Doctor rescues one humanoid TARDISes from being sent to a breeding camp, drawing parallels with slavery imagery.
Faction Paradox leaves the Mainstream   Â
Faction Paradox continued to be a major theme in Doctor Who books up until the release of The Ancestor Cell. This story ends with the Faction Paradox invading Gallifrey. Subsequently, the Doctor destroys Gallifrey to prevent the war (They got better).Â
Controversially, Peter Anghelides and Stephen Cole wrote “The Ancestor Cell,” not Lawrence Miles. Miles created his own “Faction Paradox” spin off series of books, comics, and audio plays in response. This series continues the concepts he created in âAlien Bodies,â in being explored in the way he had planned.
However, Miles does not have the rights to directly reference Doctor Who concepts. So instead of the Time Lords, we have the Great Houses. Instead of the TARDIS we have âTime shipsâ And instead of the Master we have the âWar King.â And through the âWar Kingâ we get to know Lolita.
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Who is Lolita?
Faction Paradox as a series has to be coy, as it is not able to directly reference the Doctor Who series without breaching copyright. But it is still able to use the concepts Lawrence Miles created, including the sentient humanoid TARDISes.Â
Lolita, originally known as Lillith, is one of the first of these sentient Time ships. While she was originally said to be bonded to the War King, how much he actually controlled her is unclear. In âToy storyâ she states she chose the dangerous looking Time Lord to flee with prior to becoming humanoid. She also says in this story that some of her adjustments to become human were due to her own choices, not the Master. Â
However, as she realizes her power of sentience she flees Gallifrey to develop her own plans. She attempts and fails to form an alliance with her sister, implied to be the Doctorâs own TARDIS. The Master then brings her back to Gallifrey, to ally with the Time Lords. Â
However, Lolita does not feel any connection to any side in the war. Instead, Lolita decides to become history itself. She starts by consuming most of the Faction Paradox inside her internal dimensions. She thenputs herself in various points of history, guiding human history to her own whims. This includes becoming Queen Charlotte, consort to King George III of England. In modern times, her new persona became Lola Denison, Congresswoman for the State of Arizona.
Lola Denison â Path to the White House
Lola Denison was originally a Republican, was criticized for her Libertarian beliefs, and became an independent. Matt Nelson, former Democrat and Presidential candidate for the new Radical Party, sees a common vision, and invited her become her running mate. She accepts this offer, and gains prominence in the campaign due to her direct speaking. However, during this time young women connected to the campaign were found dead, drained of blood. Rumours developed that Nelson was a Vampire, killing these women. Â
Nelson did win the election, and was inaugurated as President, with Denison inaugurated as Vice-President. However, the rumours of Nelson being a vampire lead to him being assassinated shortly after inauguration. Thus, Lola Denison, really Lolita, really the Masterâs TARDIS becomes President of the United States.
Immediately upon becoming president, Denison places restrictions on the media to avoid any space for dissent. Â Her main policy involved developing energy independence by drilling into the Earthâs Core. While the story does not directly reference Doctor Who, this plan is similar to “Project Inferno” which the Doctor sees results in the destruction of a parallel world in Inferno.
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End of Lolita
Eventually the combined forces of the surviving Faction Paradox Members, the Master and the Osirans are able to defeat Lolita. However prior to her defeat, she is able to entirely consume the Master and taking full control of Gallifrey. Only a trap left by the Master allowing her few remaining opponents to unite against her prevents her ultimate victory. A peculiar statue of pure black Onsidian in the shape of a beautiful woman is all that is left of her at the conclusion of her battle.
And thus ends the story of the only truly evil American President, ever seen in any form of Doctor Who fiction.Â
Weâve reached the end of the road in Marvelâs Agatha All Along. As it turns out, it had a hell of a final twist.
I guess we canât be surprised.
The story
We begin this episode with Jen and Billy mourning the loss of Lilia. Agatha doesn’t seem phased at first, but it’s fairly clear she’s hurting. At least, it’s clear how she’s lashing out at everyone around her.
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Eventually, the three find themselves in the final challenge of the Witch’s Road. There, Jen and Billy get what they want, though through some unexpected means.
Agatha, though, doesn’t get what she wants. Instead, she gets a knock-out fight with Rio in the real world. And Rio is playing for keeps. In the end, she has to decide between her own life, and Billy’s.
What worked
I donât think Iâve said this once, but it does bear saying. So letâs get it out of the way first. This episode, and frankly the whole show, was so pretty. The effects are lovely, dark and gothic. The costumes were like something out of a witchy or emo teenâs wildest dreams. Every single building from every single challenge was gorgeous. And the road itself was, frankly, too beautiful to be scary. Even though it probably would have killed me.
There was one scene in this episode that knocked it out of the park, visually. And it was the result of one character’s death. I won’t say who, but you’ll know it when you see it. The colors and atmosphere were just fantastic.
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Of course, that isnât all this episode had going for it. We also saw one of the most touching moments of the series, and maybe one of the most heartbreaking scenes from anything Iâve seen this year. If youâve been online at all since the episode came out, Iâm sure youâve already run across it.
Billy asks Agatha if heâs killing a teenage boy so that his brother can live.
No, she tells him. Sometimes boys just die. Of course, itâs her son sheâs thinking of.
This was such a quiet, sad moment from a show that has been so loud and fast-paced. It’s a moment of deep sorrow from a character who’s always had a smile on her face. Even if she’s laughing at someone else’s tragedy.
Finally, I couldn’t possibly review this episode of Agatha All Along without talking about the season-ending twist. And my Goddess, it was a good one. I don’t dare ruin it for you. So let me just say this.
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I complained loudly about the twist ending in a recent episode of American Horror Stories. There, I said that a twist isn’t satisfying unless you can look back and realize it was adequately foreshadowed. It’s a hard thing, to foreshadow something without giving the whole thing away. But this twist, when you get to it, makes so much sense. It could never have been any other way. And so many things make more sense now. I can’t wait to watch the whole series again now, with this new perspective.
What didnât work
Itâs honestly hard to say anything bad about this episode. But I do have one complaint. And that complaint is about Jen.
I love this character, donât get me wrong. But I feel like we missed a step in her character arch.
In the beginning, Jen is self-centered and angry. She’s full of herself. By the end, she wants to protect Agatha and Billy. She wants to make sure they make it off the road. And while I suppose one could argue that she was moved by Lilia’s sacrifice, it doesn’t seem like enough. I think this could have been solved with a flashback, or something from Jen’s point of view. But without it, this just doesn’t feel right.
We may have reached the end of The Road, but we are still not quite done with the story. So check back soon for our final review of Agatha All Along.
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Follow me, my friend, to glory at the end.
(4.5 / 5)
I’ve just finished watching the sixth episode of season three of American Horror Stories, titled Clone. In which a young man has to live with the clone of his lover after said lover has health complications. And, well, that’s 47 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
The story
Our story begins with a quiet birthday celebration between our two main characters, John and David. David is a billionaire who’s getting on in years. He’s frustrated by what he perceives to be a lack of drive in his younger partner. But when David has a stroke and needs to seek serious medical care, he sends a clone of himself to keep John company.
At first, John is incredibly put off by the clone. Until he realizes that the clone might just be the real love of his life.
What worked
This wasn’t a completely terrible episode. There was a lot about the premise that I enjoyed.
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Most of the tension in this episode comes from John feeling like he isnât in control of his life. He feels, rightfully so, that David is simply telling him how to live. And this is something that I donât think we talk about enough.
This also comes up when Johnâs horrible friend, Jordan, tries to assault him. Once again, John feels entirely out of control of his life. He feels like a victim, and rightfully so.
I enjoyed the scene in which the David clone kills Jordan and chops him up in little pieces. This was a delightfully bloody romp, funny and dark.
What didnât work
Unfortunately, that’s where the good part of the story stops. And most of the good acting stops with it.
Look, I usually have high expectations for acting in American Horror Story. I was especially expecting good things when I saw that David was played by Victor Garber. And that man has never acted badly in his life.
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While I wonât say that Garber did a bad job here, heâs far too professional for that, I will say that it felt like he was phoning it in. He just didnât seem like he was having fun. And thatâs the kindest thing I can say about the acting.
No one else knew what the hell they were doing. Itâs impossible to tell whether the main character John, played by Guy Burnet, is emotionless or just high the whole time. He can barely seem to work up any emotions, even when being almost assaulted.
The poor acting plays a part in this story being very, very dull. There are a few fun scenes, like the slaughter of Jordan. But they are shoved between long boring scenes where characters talk to each other about nothing interesting and chop onions.
Iâd also like to complain about the ending. Iâm going to try not to spoil it, like I did for the last episode. So Iâll be as vague as possible. Yes, itâs true that I didnât see the ending coming. But thatâs because the ending makes no sense.
Look, we all want to be surprised by an ending. But that surprise only works if it makes sense. If we can look back on the story and see the breadcrumbs that brought us here, then itâs great. But if you just throw in a twist that doesnât fit, just to have a surprise ending, then that just feels cheap. This ending felt cheap.
Finally, and this isnât just a complaint about this episode, I am so sick of stories about rich people walking around their rich houses with their rich problems. I am, in short, sick of rich main characters.
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Killer Queens, I am starting to feel discouraged. This episode of American Horror Stories was not good television. Neither was the last one. In fact, the whole last season of American Horror Story was pretty terrible. But there are three episodes left in this season. So I’m going to hold out hope that this season has some good chills and gore waiting for us still.
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