You know what? If you hate Killer Klowns from Outer Space, I’d probably hate you. Well, okay, maybe Killer Klowns isn’t worth getting into fistfights over, but it’s definitely a fun horror movie. It’s brimming with over-confidence in its overindulgence in clown-terror. The question is, what happened to the whole sequel idea that was bandied about some time ago? Well, prepare to get pissed off at that damn rat, Mickey Mouse.

It appears he ran out of room in his bloated nest for these carnivorous clowns. When the rat king purchased FOX, it messed the whole idea up. Now these Klowns are said to be permanently homeless, presumably with nowhere to go and no one to kill! That’s right: There are Killer Klowns in limbo! In fact, Disney apparently scrapped over a hundred other projects ⁠— but perhaps none as precious as The Return of the Killer Klowns from Outer Space in 3-D!

Trying to Not Hate Disney

Look, when I was in high school, I tried to appear more rebellious than I actually was. I read anarchist literature, listened to punk rock, even shopped at Hot Topic a couple of times. That changed as I got older. Now I’ve sold out a thousand times over because I need a job and whatnot. Still, I have to wonder, will Mickey Mouse ever reach a point where he says, “Okay, I’ve consumed enough of the American cultural landscape now. I’m fat enough. Time to retire in my rathole and leave the world my existing droppings to enjoy”?

Then he could perhaps stop acquiring, watering down and outright canceling so many projects. Seriously, could they not make something like a live-action Aladdin (with a weird-ass Will Smith Genie) while also having a Killer Klowns from Outer Space sequel? In fact, I publicly proclaim that, were Disney to actually allow this project — especially without totally Disneyfying its content ⁠— I would not trash talk them for a good long while.

How a Sequel Could Happen

Rather than bash Mickey Mouse, I suppose we could sweet-talk the beloved rat into freeing up the Klowns for another manic murder fest. We could pray to an altar of Mickey, Goofy, Donald Duck, etc. We can profess how enraptured we are with his superhero movies, and beg for more live-action adaptations of Aladdin, The Lion King and god knows what else (a de-contextualized remake of Song of the South?).

Why not petition to have Donald Duck on the cover of GQ, put Mickey’s beautiful, omniscient face on the dollar bill (or at least Mount Rushmore), and convert town after town to mimics of Celebration, Florida? In other words, put away your giant rat-trap projects, people. Mickey knows what is best! Disney, Disney, all the way! Disney, Disney, USA! Disney, Disney, all the way! All dissenters, go away!

What are your thoughts on Disney halting the sinister tide of Killer Klown carnage (don’t worry, I avoided using another K!)? Squeak at us in the comments!

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Wade Wanio is an author.

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