Welcome back to the Drive-In, everyone. We’re officially back to weekly double features after a pair of marathons for Halloween and a very Red Christmas. For those two marathons, we covered the movies in individual recaps and reviews. However, with the weekly double feature, we’ll be covering two movies at a time as we did in the first season. We’re also changing up the format just slightly as well.
Anyway, as always, allow me to toot my own horn. Remember that I’ll be taking over the HauntedMTL Twitter feed on Fridays to live-tweet the fun, so please join us!
Chopping Mall (1986)
Opening Rant: Sex robots and incels.
Chopping Mall was definitely the most coherent of the two films of the night. Joe Bob basically presented one for the normies and one for the freaks. The fact that we can call a movie where people of indeterminate age get murdered in a mall by security robots one for the normies belies how safe the first film of the night was in comparison to the film that closed the night.
That’s not to say Chopping Mall isn’t fun though. Any film with Kelli Maroney and Barbara Crampton is going to be worth a watch. Though really, it is kind of hard to classify Chopping Mall as a straight-up horror film. It’s thrilling for sure and has some great slasher hallmarks, but it’s a lot like the original Westworld. It a techno-parable and satire but you’re not entirely terrified of what is going on. This is especially true of Chopping Mall given all the winks, nods, and lampshade-hanging to film within. Plenty of clever Roger Corman references to be had as well. It is a film that doesn’t take itself seriously and that’s just fine. As Joe Bob put it, it’s a 2 1/12 stars film.
It was a bountiful premiere as Joe Bob was able to get Kelli Maroney on, thanks to Darcy’s tireless efforts, to discuss egregious camel toe. It was just that sort of episode. Between some of Kelli’s own stories about making the movie and her career (particularly starting off as jail bate type characters) and Joe Bob pointing out a hell of a lot of appearances from horror staples, Joe Bob still somehow found time to talk about the legendary Dick Miller. The biggest surprise for me, personally, is a blink-and-you-miss-it appearance by the Tall Man himself, Angus Scrimm.
Look, Chopping Mall is a solid time on the couch given the pandemic we are dealing with. It features a lot of hot idiots in a mall being slaughtered by robots for not practicing social distancing. It also has a ton of goofy jokes and references and even has Beef from The Phantom of the Paradise in a small role.
Plus, the amount of wasted toilet paper alone in the ending is enough to send a shudder down anyone’s spine.
I give Chopping Mall 3 and 1/2 Cthulhus.(3.5 / 5)
Best Line: “Oh! Fuck the fuchsia it’s Friday!” – Greg
Blood Sucking Freaks (1976)
Opening Rant: Proper in-flight literature for a flight to Australia.
Blood Sucking Freaks is not so much a movie as it is an experience. It is firmly in the Sleazy Seventies territory and you are either going to love it or hate it. There is no middle ground here.
I loved it.
It’s not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination. There is no real story, scenes meander comically long, and it’s mostly gore and sex for the sake of gore and sex. Yet it all works so delightfully as an oddity with a lot of things you’ve probably never seen before. Plus, there are just so many great little moments that you’re amazed have been recorded and distributed and that you are streaming in your living room.
Things like a dwarf giving himself oral sex with a severed head, or a cage full of crazed and feral nude women eating a cop who looks like David Berkowitz. Also, there is a scene where two men play darts on the nude, painted backside of a woman. “White slavery” is used several times in the script with little to no sense of irony. At 3 1/2 stars, you gotta wonder what was possibly keeping it from Joe Bob giving it the full 4 stars.
The film stars relative unknowns; professional theater folk and sex-workers alike, and it’s all thanks to the magic of Joel Reed. Plus, it is one of the first Troma films to pop up on the show. This is probably the absolute craziest The Last Drive-In can go and still continue on Shudder. It makes Street Trash look tame; y’know, the movie with dick football.
Blood Sucking Freaks is a wild way to open the season, especially as a followup to Chopping Mall, which is conventionally safe. I applaud Shudder for making the strange, strange pairing. Probably the strangest since the pairing of DEATHGASM and The Changeling in season one. It does a lot to turn the show into a conversation piece. The host segments also took the time to discuss Joel Reed and how batshit legendary he was. The episode was recorded just prior to Joel Reed’s passing.
Speaking of conversations though, the experience was made so much better with Chris Jericho serving as the official co-host of the episode. Jericho is probably the most popular wrestler in the world right now and he’s got some all-around horror-cred. His appearance was welcomed and I daresay he’d make a great guest in the future. All credit to Kelli Maroney, of course, for her stop by the trailer in the first half of the night, but Chris Jericho added certain energy that complemented the style of Joe Bob Briggs quite well. Plus there was an absolutely fantastic musical interlude.
Who says that Blood Sucking Freaks didn’t have a cultural impact?
So, Blood Sucking Freaks is an absolute shitshow, albeit an entertaining one. It’s not a good movie and to award it anything more than the barest minimum of a point on my scale would immediately devalue any other score I assign. But goddamn is it an entertaining experience. I can see why Lloyd Kaufman wouldn’t release it today… but I am grateful that he did. It is possible to love something so much that is so clearly awful? I think so.
I give Blood Sucking Freaks a score of 1 out of 5. (1 / 5)
Best Line: “This isn’t S&M, this is Art!” – Natasha
HMTL Drive-In Totals
Loads of totals this first week. Let’s check ’em out. First, we’ll start off with the official Drive-In totals during the two films, then our own.
- Gratuitousness Beefing
- Girl Copying
- Gratuitous Corman Referencing
- Propane Fu
- Crampton Lighting
- 6 Molotov Cocktails
- 3 Yuki Appearances
- Blonde Joking
- Darcy Jailing
- Eight books for a flight to Australia
- Musical Number Fu
- 6 more Joel Reed movies I need to watch
- Old Joking
- Dwarf Fu
We average the individual ratings of the two episodes with a bit of what we call the “Joe Bob Bump” to rate the double feature for the night. Basically, if we had fun during the episode that bumps up the average, even if the movies are terrible.
I mean, we’re here to watch bad movies, right? (4 / 5)
I hope you enjoyed this trip to the drive-in. Please be sure to join us next week during the stream and join us in the festivities on Twitter. If you haven’t experienced The Last Drive-In before (then why are you reading this review?) you can get familiar with it by using the code “SHUTIN” to get 30 free days of Shudder.
Well, folks, that’s all. Remember…
The Drive-In will never die…
Wheel of Time, What Might Be
Episode three of Wheel of Time was easily my favorite so far. It’s dramatic, dark, and speaks to the growing concerns about evil invading the world.
Let’s begin with Nynaeve. After showing little to no progress, Liandrin thinks she’s ready to go through the Trial of The Arches. This is an initiation that all Aes Sedai have to go through to become a sister. It’s dangerous, not totally understood, and doesn’t have a great survival rate.
One would think some cooler heads would prevail and not let the very new person do this so early. Especially since Nynaeve seems to have some issues with impulse control.
But she goes into the trial, seeing first a scene from her childhood where her parents are attacked.
The point is to walk back through the arches, leaving her family behind. This she does, but doesn’t look very happy about it. Her second trial involves finding herself back in Two Rivers, where a horrible plague has ripped through the people. Again, she has to walk away from the people that she cares about and come back to reality.
The third test is a little more tricky. It appears that Nynaeve comes back covered in blood, with no memories of what happened.
Terrified, she runs from the castle only to find Lan waiting for her.
In the real world, where Liandrin and the others are waiting for her, she simply never returns.
This shakes Liandrin. She decides she’s done holding Mat against his will, and lets him leave. Excited, but also smelling a trap, he takes Min with him.
Still not sure why she had him to start with, but I guess it’s cool that she let him go.
Meanwhile, Rand is working with a familiar face at his hospital. It’s Logain, who we might remember as the false dragon from season one.
Rand would love some advice about channeling as a man. But it appears that Logain might really have lost his mind.
My favorite scene in the episode was the one involving Perrin and Lady Suroth. This scene was perfect.
First off, the character design for Lady Suroth was just perfect. Without moving more than a hand and the crook of her mouth, she manages to be terrifying.
The massively scary nails help, as does the headdress that is both beautiful and reminiscent of an insect. The sort of insect that seems likely to bite and lay eggs under the skin of a victim.
Her absolute authority was terrifying. Uno certainly learned that.
What was more scary, of course, was who was standing next to her. Does she think she’s the one in charge? Or is she perfectly clear on where stands?
What didn’t work
One thing that I don’t love about this season is, unfortunately, not likely to change. It’s true in the books, and it’s true in the show.
The ensemble cast structure doesn’t work for me.
It fractures the story in too many directions. It’s too busy, there’s too much going on. At the same time, there isn’t enough going on with individual characters for me to establish an interest in all of them.
I care what’s happening with Egwene and Nynaeve. I care what’s happening with Perrin.
I don’t care as much about Rand right now. And she wasn’t as involved in this episode, but I don’t care about what Moiraine is going through either.
That could be because the world is coming to an end and they’re refusing to be team players. But maybe that’s just me.
Overall, this was a fun episode. It feels like pieces are being put into place. The characters are getting ready for something big. Something that we can only see the beginnings of.
Something that they clearly don’t think they’re ready for.(3.5 / 5)
American Horror Story Delicate, Multiply Thy Pain
American Horror Story Delicate began last night, Killer Queens. And it was, well, a complicated episode. This makes sense because this season is about a complicated topic.
Just in case you didn’t know, this whole season is based on the novel Delicate Condition by Danielle Valentine. If you haven’t read it yet, you should.
Anna Victoria Alcott is an actress who just got her big break. She was in a horror movie that no one can stop talking about.
Except Anna herself. Because this career success couldn’t have come at a worse time. She and her husband Dex are in the middle of the difficult IVF process. It’s expensive, time-consuming and painful. Ironically, so is trying to win an Oscar.
But Anna has other things to worry about. Someone is messing with her. Several women are watching her in public. Worse, someone appears to be getting into her home, slashing notes she leaves for Dex, and removing her vital IVF medication from the fridge so it spoils. Her calendar is hacked to move her doctor appointments around so she misses them. Worst of all, someone broke into her home and crawled into bed with her.
Of course, no one takes any of these concerns seriously. Her agent, Siobhan, is focusing on getting her an Oscar. Her husband, Dex, doesn’t seem to give a shit about her except for when it comes to having a baby. He’s frequently dismissive of her concerns and only seems to want her around when it’s convenient for him. He goes so far as to kick her out of his show opening because she’s on edge.
You know, maybe because she’s clearly being stalked by someone who is trying to keep her from having a baby.
AHS Asylum had a lot of dark and important things to say about mental health care in America. AHS Coven had a lot of dark and important things to say about race and gender relationships.
Last season, AHS NYC wasn’t so subtle. Yes, there was a killer. But the real historical horror of the AIDs epidemic in the 80s was the focus of the season. And that worked very well.
This season, the story is clearly about female body autonomy. Anna is a woman struggling with so many issues that modern women face. The balance between our careers and our families. Feeling like growing old is the most unforgivable thing a woman can do. And of course, the fact that our bodies often feel like they don’t belong to us.
I was also pleased to see some AHS alumni. Denis O’Hare as Dr. Hill was delightful. Leslie Grossman and Billie Lourd will be involved soon, and they never bring anything less than their A-game.
This episode also did something I never thought could happen. It managed to scare me with a calendar notification. That was a special moment for me as a horror fan and calendar-obsessed person.
What didn’t work
Here are some things I didn’t love. First off, the main character Anna is a pushover. She can’t say no to Dex, Talia, Dr. Hill, or Siobhan. No one gets a no from this woman!
Anna didn’t act like that in the book. She stood up to everyone all the time, it was great. She wasn’t getting any support, but she was advocating for herself! That was such an important part of her character, and I’m sad to see that she’s lost that here.
I also hate the changes made to Siobhan and Talia. Now, please understand that this isn’t me complaining that the book was different. That’s not my point. Siobhan was a kind, loving woman who supported her best friend even while dying of cancer. Talia was a smart, business-oriented woman who was still kind. She was trying to start a family with her transgender husband, and bonded with Anna over their IVF journeys. These were vital characters in the story.
I feel like they’ve been railroaded.
All that being said, this was a decent start to AHS Delicate. It’s not the best start of a season we’ve had. But it’s okay. I’m looking forward to seeing what the rest of the season is going to bring. (4 / 5)
Wheel of Time, Strangers and Friends
Episode two of Wheel of Time, widened the divide between the show and the books. Things are happening out of order, people are acting out of character. Whether this is to the detriment of the show, however, has yet to be determined.
One character missing from episode one was Rand. You know, our main character. But we finally catch up with him now.
He’s living in a city with a woman named Selene. They don’t have what I’d call a super healthy relationship. She spends a bit too much time talking about her ex.
Yes, for those of you who didn’t read the books, this is going to be important.
Rand is also working at an insane asylum. He’s kind and patent with his charges, but not all of his fellow caregivers are.
Meanwhile, Lan and Moiraine are recovering form their Fade attack from last episode. Rather than taking the time to actually heal, Moiraine decides to head out to find Rand. Her team comes with her, which seems to really bother her.
While that little hissy fit is taking place, Nynaeve is causing issues. Not by anything she’s doing, but by what she’s not doing. As none of the regular novice teacher have been able to get her to use the One Power, Liandrin offers to try. No one, including me, is thrilled with this. But, the Aes Sedai are desperate. They know that The Dark One is around, and they need Nynaeve to be ready. So, they let the person who’s driven other students to their deaths and actively committed multiple hate crimes take over.
What could go wrong?
The special effects in this episode were really well done. I especially liked the dead fade nailed to the wall.
I was also pleased with the introduction of Elayne. Ceara Coveney is playing her, and doing a fine job. She’s warm, kind and sweet. I am thrilled that she’s around.
One of the greatest things about Wheel of Time is the friendships between the characters. Rand, Perrin, Mat, Nynaeve and Egwene legitimately care about each other. Elayne seems to care for Egwene right away. I really love that.
What didn’t work
One thing that bothered me in this episode, and frankly the last episode, was Liandrin keeping Mat in prison. I feel like this wasn’t adequately explained. Why does she have him? How did she trap him? What in the hell is she trying to get from him? Perhaps I simply missed something, and please let me know in the comments if this is the case. But it feels like some poor writing to me.
I also don’t love how Moiraine is portrayed in this episode. Really, in this season so far.
I get that she’s never exactly been a warm person. She’s not personable, open, or kind. Some (most) fans of the book would likely agree that she’s kind of a bitch.
But she’s not a bitch for no reason. She certainly isn’t the sort to lash out at the people who love her because she’s in pain. And that’s what she’s doing through this episode. She’s taking her pain out on Lan. And that’s just out of character for her.
It feels very much like a lot is being skipped over from the Wheel of Time books. But, so far at least, I don’t feel like anything vital has been missed. It feels more like the story is being streamlined.
Yes, I understand how this might go horribly wrong. I think we’ve all seen that. But as of right now, the changes make sense for the switch in mediums.
Now, let’s see if it stays that way.
(3 / 5)