In the mood for a Christmas horror movie with lots of blood, creepy children and unidimensional characters? If so, Better Watch Out is just the ticket.
Home Alone Gone to Hell
Let’s cut to the chase: this movie is vile right from the get-go. Enter 12-year-olds Luke (Levi Miller, A Wrinkle in Time) and Garret (Ed Oxenbould, The Visit), trying to figure out how to win a girl over. Ultimately, they decide fear is the best way to the heart of Luke’s babysitter Ashley (Olivia DeJonge, The Visit). She is a young woman who is about to move Pittsburg to start her new life, and is spending her last night home babysitting Luke. He tries to impress her with drinking champagne, scaring her and asking insulting questions about her boyfriend Ricky (Aleks Mikic, Preacher) and ex-boyfriend Jeremy (Dacre Montgomery, Stranger Things). And epically fails.
There comes a point when, knowing well that Ashley is not interested, he makes advances and tries to kiss her. He only stops after she says “no” several times. She handles it a lot nicer than he deserves, and tries to set things back to normal. But all of that immediately gets interrupted when someone breaks into the house.
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Spoiler-Filled Trailer
If you want to watch the movie and you’d like to avoid all spoilers at any cost, do NOT watch the trailer. It gives away the twist, which is perhaps the most enjoyable and disturbing part of the whole film. However, if you don’t care about spoilers, have at it:
Better Not Die…
And yes, you are going to see Home Alone references. We’re talking about a low-budget 90-minute home invasion Christmas movie. At this point in time, it’s just natural with the territory.
The Verdict
Director Chris Peckover and writer Zack Kahn know how to build tension and maximize shock factor. They do this well enough that it’s easy to forget how the story centers around the theme of “getting away with murder” so much that it lacks any nuance and character development.
The cast is good at acting scared, great at acting funny, best at acting disturbed. In one scene the killer visually compartmentalizes the horrific act they just did, which is fascinating to watch. The premise has a lot of potential and it’s shot wonderfully – the angles tell another story all on their own.
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Better Watch Out is not everything it could have been. And yet, it won’t the worst movie to see this time of year, especially if you enjoy spreading holiday jeer.
(3.5 / 5)
Happy Election Day for all those who choose to celebrate. I was originally planning to run down the list of the most extreme American Presidential portrayals featured in Doctor Who. However I quickly realized this would not be possible. This is because most times when the American President appears in Doctor Who, the series treats them nicely.
Sure, the Eleventh Doctor said Richard Nixon was “Not one of the good ones” in “The Impossible Astronaut,” but that was the limit of the criticism. The very real Harry S Truman, and the very fictional Tom Dering, were manipulated into almost starting a nuclear war. However the Doctor in both cases sees them as victims of the manipulations of beings arriving from outside of Earth. Since Donald Trump’s election in 2016, most references to him in Doctor Who media have been jokes on the basis of his appearance.
Compare this to how the series treats the role of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. We’ve had Prime Ministers who wanted to start a nuclear war, for no clear reason, in Roger ap Gwilliam. One Prime Minister was secretly a Sea Devil in the comic strip Clara Oswald and the School of Death. Prime Minister Greyhaven acted as a Quisling to the invading Ice Warriors The Dying Days. And of course, the Master as Harold Saxon became Prime Minister of England, and proceeded to wipe out ten percent of humanity.
So unlike the leaders of the UK, Doctor Who tends to be slightly more respectful when it comes to Presidents of the United States. So there’s not a lot of terrible, weird, or dangerous Presidents to discuss.
Except for one. And to discuss this one, we need to talk about the world of Faction Paradox.
Faction Paradox – Origins
The year is 1997. The TV Movie from the previous year introduced the world to the Eighth Doctor as portrayed by Paul McGann. However, a new series, or sequel following on from that did not appear. Instead, the ongoing story of Doctor Who continued in the world of BBC Eighth Doctor Adventures.
This series developed in response to the Movie, allowing people to see what the Eighth Doctor did next. Initially the series focused on safer and familiar Doctor Who story tropes. Previous series had tried to push the boundaries and concepts for a more mature audience, but the BBC returned to attempts to replicate the TV series.
Until “Alien Bodies” written by Lawrence Miles was published. This book introduced the Doctor Who Universe to the world of Faction Paradox.
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Who are Faction Paradox?
To put it imply, The Faction Paradox, also known as just the Faction, are a time traveling voodoo cult. The Faction live in opposition to the views and beliefs of the Time Lords. Time Lords aim to keep timelines pure and free of contradiction. Therefore, the Faction seek paradox and disorder in time. They wear skulls that are bigger than their faces, because their skulls are bigger on the outside. While the Time Lords are based in Gallifrey, the Faction Paradox mostly claim their home in the Eleven Day Empire – the eleven days “skipped” when England moved from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian Calendar.
While the Faction opposed the Time Lords, they were rarely direct enemies of Gallifrey. Instead they tended to manipulate and take advantage of factors effecting the Time Lords. In particular, with the Faction Paradox we see also the first Great Time war.
This is not the same Time War we see in the TV series between the Time Lords and the Daleks. Instead, in this earlier war we know the Time Lords will be eventually fighting a war with an unknown enemy. While this war has not started yet, elements of this future war are drifting backwards into our present time. The Doctor purposefully tries not to find out too much about this war, in particular who the Enemy is. By doing this, he hopes of keeping the war a hypothetical reality, rather than a pre-determined future.
However, the Doctor was unable to avoid the technological changes the impending war would bring. For example, the Doctor begins to see the development of future sentient and humanoid TARDISes. While still being a time and space vessel, carrying Time Lords within them through the vortex, they appear as people. Able to hold conversations and physcially walk, they are both time ship and companion in one. Eventually, the Doctor rescues one humanoid TARDISes from being sent to a breeding camp, drawing parallels with slavery imagery.
Faction Paradox leaves the Mainstream
Faction Paradox continued to be a major theme in Doctor Who books up until the release of The Ancestor Cell. This story ends with the Faction Paradox invading Gallifrey. Subsequently, the Doctor destroys Gallifrey to prevent the war (They got better).
Controversially, Peter Anghelides and Stephen Cole wrote “The Ancestor Cell,” not Lawrence Miles. Miles created his own “Faction Paradox” spin off series of books, comics, and audio plays in response. This series continues the concepts he created in “Alien Bodies,” in being explored in the way he had planned.
However, Miles does not have the rights to directly reference Doctor Who concepts. So instead of the Time Lords, we have the Great Houses. Instead of the TARDIS we have “Time ships” And instead of the Master we have the “War King.” And through the “War King” we get to know Lolita.
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Who is Lolita?
Faction Paradox as a series has to be coy, as it is not able to directly reference the Doctor Who series without breaching copyright. But it is still able to use the concepts Lawrence Miles created, including the sentient humanoid TARDISes.
Lolita, originally known as Lillith, is one of the first of these sentient Time ships. While she was originally said to be bonded to the War King, how much he actually controlled her is unclear. In “Toy story” she states she chose the dangerous looking Time Lord to flee with prior to becoming humanoid. She also says in this story that some of her adjustments to become human were due to her own choices, not the Master.
However, as she realizes her power of sentience she flees Gallifrey to develop her own plans. She attempts and fails to form an alliance with her sister, implied to be the Doctor’s own TARDIS. The Master then brings her back to Gallifrey, to ally with the Time Lords.
However, Lolita does not feel any connection to any side in the war. Instead, Lolita decides to become history itself. She starts by consuming most of the Faction Paradox inside her internal dimensions. She thenputs herself in various points of history, guiding human history to her own whims. This includes becoming Queen Charlotte, consort to King George III of England. In modern times, her new persona became Lola Denison, Congresswoman for the State of Arizona.
Lola Denison – Path to the White House
Lola Denison was originally a Republican, was criticized for her Libertarian beliefs, and became an independent. Matt Nelson, former Democrat and Presidential candidate for the new Radical Party, sees a common vision, and invited her become her running mate. She accepts this offer, and gains prominence in the campaign due to her direct speaking. However, during this time young women connected to the campaign were found dead, drained of blood. Rumours developed that Nelson was a Vampire, killing these women.
Nelson did win the election, and was inaugurated as President, with Denison inaugurated as Vice-President. However, the rumours of Nelson being a vampire lead to him being assassinated shortly after inauguration. Thus, Lola Denison, really Lolita, really the Master’s TARDIS becomes President of the United States.
Immediately upon becoming president, Denison places restrictions on the media to avoid any space for dissent. Her main policy involved developing energy independence by drilling into the Earth’s Core. While the story does not directly reference Doctor Who, this plan is similar to “Project Inferno” which the Doctor sees results in the destruction of a parallel world in Inferno.
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End of Lolita
Eventually the combined forces of the surviving Faction Paradox Members, the Master and the Osirans are able to defeat Lolita. However prior to her defeat, she is able to entirely consume the Master and taking full control of Gallifrey. Only a trap left by the Master allowing her few remaining opponents to unite against her prevents her ultimate victory. A peculiar statue of pure black Onsidian in the shape of a beautiful woman is all that is left of her at the conclusion of her battle.
And thus ends the story of the only truly evil American President, ever seen in any form of Doctor Who fiction.
We’ve reached the end of the road in Marvel’s Agatha All Along. As it turns out, it had a hell of a final twist.
I guess we can’t be surprised.
The story
We begin this episode with Jen and Billy mourning the loss of Lilia. Agatha doesn’t seem phased at first, but it’s fairly clear she’s hurting. At least, it’s clear how she’s lashing out at everyone around her.
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Eventually, the three find themselves in the final challenge of the Witch’s Road. There, Jen and Billy get what they want, though through some unexpected means.
Agatha, though, doesn’t get what she wants. Instead, she gets a knock-out fight with Rio in the real world. And Rio is playing for keeps. In the end, she has to decide between her own life, and Billy’s.
What worked
I don’t think I’ve said this once, but it does bear saying. So let’s get it out of the way first. This episode, and frankly the whole show, was so pretty. The effects are lovely, dark and gothic. The costumes were like something out of a witchy or emo teen’s wildest dreams. Every single building from every single challenge was gorgeous. And the road itself was, frankly, too beautiful to be scary. Even though it probably would have killed me.
There was one scene in this episode that knocked it out of the park, visually. And it was the result of one character’s death. I won’t say who, but you’ll know it when you see it. The colors and atmosphere were just fantastic.
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Of course, that isn’t all this episode had going for it. We also saw one of the most touching moments of the series, and maybe one of the most heartbreaking scenes from anything I’ve seen this year. If you’ve been online at all since the episode came out, I’m sure you’ve already run across it.
Billy asks Agatha if he’s killing a teenage boy so that his brother can live.
No, she tells him. Sometimes boys just die. Of course, it’s her son she’s thinking of.
This was such a quiet, sad moment from a show that has been so loud and fast-paced. It’s a moment of deep sorrow from a character who’s always had a smile on her face. Even if she’s laughing at someone else’s tragedy.
Finally, I couldn’t possibly review this episode of Agatha All Along without talking about the season-ending twist. And my Goddess, it was a good one. I don’t dare ruin it for you. So let me just say this.
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I complained loudly about the twist ending in a recent episode of American Horror Stories. There, I said that a twist isn’t satisfying unless you can look back and realize it was adequately foreshadowed. It’s a hard thing, to foreshadow something without giving the whole thing away. But this twist, when you get to it, makes so much sense. It could never have been any other way. And so many things make more sense now. I can’t wait to watch the whole series again now, with this new perspective.
What didn’t work
It’s honestly hard to say anything bad about this episode. But I do have one complaint. And that complaint is about Jen.
I love this character, don’t get me wrong. But I feel like we missed a step in her character arch.
In the beginning, Jen is self-centered and angry. She’s full of herself. By the end, she wants to protect Agatha and Billy. She wants to make sure they make it off the road. And while I suppose one could argue that she was moved by Lilia’s sacrifice, it doesn’t seem like enough. I think this could have been solved with a flashback, or something from Jen’s point of view. But without it, this just doesn’t feel right.
We may have reached the end of The Road, but we are still not quite done with the story. So check back soon for our final review of Agatha All Along.
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Follow me, my friend, to glory at the end.
(4.5 / 5)
I’ve just finished watching the sixth episode of season three of American Horror Stories, titled Clone. In which a young man has to live with the clone of his lover after said lover has health complications. And, well, that’s 47 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
The story
Our story begins with a quiet birthday celebration between our two main characters, John and David. David is a billionaire who’s getting on in years. He’s frustrated by what he perceives to be a lack of drive in his younger partner. But when David has a stroke and needs to seek serious medical care, he sends a clone of himself to keep John company.
At first, John is incredibly put off by the clone. Until he realizes that the clone might just be the real love of his life.
What worked
This wasn’t a completely terrible episode. There was a lot about the premise that I enjoyed.
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Most of the tension in this episode comes from John feeling like he isn’t in control of his life. He feels, rightfully so, that David is simply telling him how to live. And this is something that I don’t think we talk about enough.
This also comes up when John’s horrible friend, Jordan, tries to assault him. Once again, John feels entirely out of control of his life. He feels like a victim, and rightfully so.
I enjoyed the scene in which the David clone kills Jordan and chops him up in little pieces. This was a delightfully bloody romp, funny and dark.
What didn’t work
Unfortunately, that’s where the good part of the story stops. And most of the good acting stops with it.
Look, I usually have high expectations for acting in American Horror Story. I was especially expecting good things when I saw that David was played by Victor Garber. And that man has never acted badly in his life.
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While I won’t say that Garber did a bad job here, he’s far too professional for that, I will say that it felt like he was phoning it in. He just didn’t seem like he was having fun. And that’s the kindest thing I can say about the acting.
No one else knew what the hell they were doing. It’s impossible to tell whether the main character John, played by Guy Burnet, is emotionless or just high the whole time. He can barely seem to work up any emotions, even when being almost assaulted.
The poor acting plays a part in this story being very, very dull. There are a few fun scenes, like the slaughter of Jordan. But they are shoved between long boring scenes where characters talk to each other about nothing interesting and chop onions.
I’d also like to complain about the ending. I’m going to try not to spoil it, like I did for the last episode. So I’ll be as vague as possible. Yes, it’s true that I didn’t see the ending coming. But that’s because the ending makes no sense.
Look, we all want to be surprised by an ending. But that surprise only works if it makes sense. If we can look back on the story and see the breadcrumbs that brought us here, then it’s great. But if you just throw in a twist that doesn’t fit, just to have a surprise ending, then that just feels cheap. This ending felt cheap.
Finally, and this isn’t just a complaint about this episode, I am so sick of stories about rich people walking around their rich houses with their rich problems. I am, in short, sick of rich main characters.
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Killer Queens, I am starting to feel discouraged. This episode of American Horror Stories was not good television. Neither was the last one. In fact, the whole last season of American Horror Story was pretty terrible. But there are three episodes left in this season. So I’m going to hold out hope that this season has some good chills and gore waiting for us still.
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