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Known to MST3K fans as Being From Another Planet, Tom Kennedy’s Time Walker is a very difficult movie to be nice about. It’s weird because, honestly, I can almost see what they were going for with it. There’s some weird mummy creature that goes around killing people to get some crystals that were stolen from it. The creature (and its crystals) can also spread a fungus that’s potentially lethal to anyone who touches it. In itself, that’s actually not the worst sci-fi concept, especially if you’re an ultra-nerdy mofo. Still, the concept is only half the battle to making a decent movie. If the execution is lacking, even a great idea (let alone a mediocre one) can end up doing significant damage to the overall work. That’s sorely the case with Time Walker.

Here’s something you have to understand, too: I am fully capable of liking sub-par or outright shitty movies. It actually happens fairly often. Still, I’d really have to strain myself to try to enjoy this one. Even the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary only helped so much, and Joel and the bots are pros! Perhaps the real question is, how could this movie have been better?

How Could ‘Time Walker’ Have Been Better?

I just watched this movie 3 days ago and I barely remember it. While that could reflect some early-onset Alzheimer’s, I think it has more to do with the movie itself. For starters, the characters are uninteresting, including somehow even the mummy creature. How is this possible, you might ask? I don’t even know, because the story definitely could be interesting. So, at best, I can only estimate what the problem is. If there were some better moments of dialogue, cooler characters, more memorable scenes, and more overall style, this movie could have been substantially better. Also, I’ll go ahead and say there isn’t any social commentary of value, either, which even plenty of crappy sci-fi/horror movies manage to do effectively.

Humor could have helped, too. In fact, that’s probably exactly what saves other movies, such as anything by Edward D. Wood, Jr. Almost everyone (including most fans) agree that Ed Wood’s movies sucked, but they have character, possible laughs, and definitely memorable scenes. If he didn’t have any of that stuff, he would also basically fade from memory. In other words, this movie would probably be better if it was worse. As is, you can’t even say “It’s so bad it’s good.” This movie stars Ben Murphy, Nina Axelrod,
Kevin Brophy, and Shari Belafonte (daughter of Harry Belafonte). You probably won’t remember any of their performances, though.

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Are There Good Mummy Movies?

Could part of the problem be my lack of respect for mummies as monsters? Maybe, but only to an extent. They are not my favorite kind of movie monster, so I’m a little bit guilty as charged. Still, there are some halfway decent mummy movies. For this very website, I’ve written about Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, referring to “a classic contrast between the dignity of Princess Ara’s legend and the slapstick humor of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.”

However, my potential appreciation for mummy fare doesn’t end there. My actual favorite mummy story comes from John Harrison’s Tales from the Darkside: The Movie. Although the movie seems sorely underrated, I really appreciate how creepy the mummy is in the “Lot 249” segment — even if far from the mightiest villain imaginable. Based on Arthur Conan Doyle’s short story, there are moments that might send a shiver up someone’s spine. It also has good performances by Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore, and Christian Slater (who, honestly, seems a bit underappreciated in his own right).

Yes, I’ll Probably Still Give ‘Time Walker’ Another Chance

I pride myself on not being like other film critics who relentlessly rip into something, being utter dicks about it. Hell, I don’t particularly want to be known as a film/TV critic, but just as a guy who watches stuff, writes about it sometimes, and maybe occasionally wrestles a buck or two out of it. So that’s why, yes, I’ll probably check this movie out again at some point. Maybe I’ll have an extended mummy movie marathon or some bullshit like that. Maybe I’ll just feel like I need a dose of light torture. Who knows? I will say, though, it’ll have to be with the MST3K boys or that torture won’t be nearly as light. Lemme tell you unequivocally: This movie does stink.

Do you agree that Time Walker stinks to high heaven? If not, what brand of clothespin did you use to shield your nostrils? Let us know in the comments!

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Movies n TV

Low point or a daring experiment? Halloween VI (1995) Review

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To a lot of fans, this is the film that killed the franchise. It says a lot that the next installment is yet another retcon. Halloween VI: The Curse of Michael Myers attempts to explain Michael’s unrelenting evil, which lead to mixed opinions from longtime fans. There are two cuts of the film, theatrical vs producer’s. For a lot of people, the latter is the only one worth mentioning. Aiming to be as accurate as possible, I will be talking about the producer’s cut. Let’s begin! 

Plot

We start Halloween VI with a six-year time jump from part five. Jamie is now barefoot and recently pregnant, running away from Michael as he wants her baby. While she manages to hide the little one away, Michael finally gets his hunger satiated by killing her. The moment is one of the most brutal ways in the franchise up until that point. Rest in peace, Jamie, you held your ground for as long as you could, the sequels were just too relentless. 

The movie then cuts to a whole different scene going on. We have a new family living in the Myers house and their youngest child is hearing voices telling him to kill his loved ones. Tommy Lloyd is watching the family, played by none other than Paul Rudd in his first-ever theatrical role. Tommy still carries trauma from the events all those years ago when Laurie Strode was babysitting him. So when he finds Jamie’s baby, his part in the story becomes even more essential. 

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Dr Loomis also stars in what was Donald Pleasance’s final role before his passing. He and Tommy try to stop Michael once and for all before the cycle can repeat itself. As it turns out, Michael is a victim of a druid cult which makes him want to kill his family members every Halloween. Thorn, the cult in question, thinks they can control Michael and make him do their bidding. This results in catastrophe and Michael goes berzerk and kills all the cult members. Once again, it’s one of the most gruesome montages for the franchise up until that point.  

Tommy and Kara are left to face Michael on their own which they manage to do with some corrosive liquid and good luck. However, nothing stays dead in this franchise as it’s soon revealed Michael somehow escaped and this time Dr Loomis might not be so lucky… 

Overall thoughts

I would say for me personally Halloween VI definitely ranks somewhere near the bottom. The whole point of Michael is that there is no rhyme or reason to his killings and this film tries to go against that. I am glad the mistake was rectified by the upcoming installment. There were still some good things about it, such as Paul Rudd’s acting that reveals some raw talent as far as I’m concerned, as well as some direction choices and musical score. However, I also think it absolutely deserves all the criticism that it gets. 

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2.5 out of 5 stars (2.5 / 5)

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American Horror Stories, The Thing Under The Bed

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We’ve reached the final episode of American Horror Stories, season three. After the ups and downs of the season, I didn’t know what to expect. I felt that we were due a big finish, Killer Queens. But I feared we were in for a big letdown.

As it turns out, The Thing Under The Bed was neither.

The story

We begin our story with a little girl named Mary, who is scared of something under her bed. She sneaks out of her room, only to be caught by her father and sent back to sleep. And of course, there is something horrible waiting for her under her bed.

Debby Ryan in American Horror Stories.

This scene cuts away to a woman named Jillian. She has strange dreams, including one about Mary. But her husband, Mark, doesn’t want to hear about it. He’s only interested in a little lovemaking because he wants a baby. Jillian doesn’t, which makes total sense because she’s already married to one. But her irritation with her childish husband goes away when he goes away. And by goes away, I mean he’s sloppily devoured by something vicious under their bed.

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What worked

In short, this episode just worked. The acting was professional and believable. The cinematography and lighting work were wonderful, adding spooky effects and startling moments without impairing visibility.

Best of all, the story was solid. There were no plotholes to be found. Our main character, Jillian, was relatable and sympathetic.

This was maybe my favorite part of the story. I thought Jillian was a remarkably sympathetic character. She was dealt a hand she never asked for, having her husband slaughtered in their bedroom. I don’t think she missed him, so much as she was afraid of the legal ramifications of being caught with literal blood on her hands.

Then, when it would have been safest for her to just lay low and save up for a good defense attorney, she instead goes into unlikely hero mode. She does her best to save people, putting herself in legal and physical danger. It’s hard not to root for her.

It’s also a little hard not to root for the antagonist, too. I don’t want to ruin the twist for you, so I’m going to tread lightly here. But it’s great when you have an antagonist who might be off their rocker, but also maybe has a point.

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What didn’t work

I can only really think of one complaint with this episode. And that is how frequently one character says the word Chickadee. And if you’ve seen the episode, you know what I am talking about.

I get it, he has a pet name for his daughter. It’s adorable. It’s meant to convey that the two of them have a healthy loving relationship and I get it. We all get it. Blind monks get it. But the fact remains that no parent on Earth calls their kid by their pet name every single time they speak an individual sentence to them. It was just too damn much.

All in all, this was a good episode. It was a classic story, turned on its head, told by professionals from start to finish. And I hope that if there is another season, we see more stories like this one. But after the efforts put into this season at large, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last we see of American Horror Stories.

4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

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American Horror Stories, Leprechaun

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If you’ve watched enough short-form horror anthology shows, you’ll notice that some stories are mainstays. Each show seems to put on the same sort of episodes, with the occasional surprising storyline that we’ve never (or at least rarely) seen before.

Leprechaun was an example of a repeated story—the story of a greedy thief whose punishment far outweighs the crime.

The story

We begin our story in 1841, with a drunk man leaving the bar one late night. He’s distracted by something glowing at the end of the well. When he reaches down for the glowing thing, he falls in. Moments later, he screams.

We then cut to the modern day. The well is still there, and now it’s surrounded by a dying town. In this town lives a young man named Colin. He’s married, his wife is pregnant, and he’s out of work. Like many of his friends.

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Hudson Oz in American Horror Stories Leprechaun.

Desperate for cash, Colin and his friends decide to rob a bank. They put together an Equate version of Ocean’s Eleven, and break in one night. But, of course, they find that the gold is nothing more than bait. And the creature waiting for them is something they never expected.

What worked

The first thing I want to point out is how real this episode felt. At least to anyone currently living in the same small town they grew up in. These characters felt like guys I went to school with. Guys I would see at the bar.

I appreciated the real anger and frustration these characters are feeling. Especially Colin. He’s bitter, and maybe he has a right to be. He did exactly what he was supposed to do to succeed. He went to school and invested in his career, and yet now he’s out of work and struggling to support his family. I probably don’t need to tell you how that feels. Because of this, we can all kind of understand why he was tempted to rob a bank.

I also want to talk about the fact that this was, as I said, an often-explored story. That can be a bad thing, but it can also be a good thing. This story is told over and over because it’s a good story. A relatable story. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

What didn’t work

That being said, this version didn’t try to do much to break out of the mold.

Because we have seen this story so many times, most of us could tell the story themselves. I would have expected something new, or some twist. But, in the end, the story didn’t bring anything new to the discussion.

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Maybe because of this, the ending left a lot to be desired. Trapped in the basement of the bank, everyone just sort of stares at everyone else, until the thieves give up. And that’s it. The ending wasn’t scary, shocking, or funny. It was just sad, on multiple levels.

Overall, this was an okay story. It was entertaining, if not surprising. I would compare this episode to homemade macaroni and cheese. Everyone’s got their own version, they’re all pretty good, and none of them are exciting.

There’s just one episode left in this season of American Horror Stories. Let’s hope they’ve saved the best for last.

3.5 out of 5 stars (3.5 / 5)

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