LTD: Great Old Ones Address Public’s Concerns at Press Conference
ARKHAM, Mass. — In an unprecedented event of cosmic proportions, the world’s Great Old Ones summoned reporters from Massachusetts and the surrounding region to Miskatonic University for an impromptu press conference. Henry Akeley, Vermont resident and expert in local folklore, served as spokesperson for the group of ancient entities, who were not present at the event due to the fact that the merest glimpse of their corporeal forms would cause instant insanity and/or death to the assembled journalists.
Mr. Akeley, who was draped in long robes and stood at an unilluminated podium, apologized in a whisper for any inconvenience caused by the unusual midnight hour of the media event. “We must convene when the stars are aligned most auspiciously,” he said, as the audience strained to hear his words. He paused to adjust the microphone. After some difficulty, he continued in an amplified, strangely buzzing voice, “I am privileged today to represent the Great Old Ones, who transcend space and time, and who have brought you to this place to address certain rumors that have been damaging their brand.”
Dagon: deadbeat dad?
A woman with an odd, shambling gait and a hat pulled low over her eyes moved to the front of the crowd and raised a hand that looked strangely webbed. “Virginia Marsh, Innsmouth Inquirer,” she stated in a slow, gurgling voice. “What is your comment on the ongoing sex scandal involving Dagon’s illegitimate children and the allegations of deliquent child support?”
Mr. Akeley replied, “Dagon, and his associates the Deep Ones, deny parentage of any and all children born to single mothers in Innsmouth over the last several hundred years. In addition, no child support suit brought against them has ever been successful. Next question.”
Public relations horror in Dunwich
A man in the crowd raised his hand and called out, “I’m from the Dunwich Gazette. Speaking of illegitimate children, when is Yog-Sothoth going to take responsibility for the property damage his bastard son caused? Our town is in ruins because of that monster, and most of the surviving citizens are now insane!”
Mr. Akeley responded, “Yog-Sothoth is aware of the situation in Dunwich, and his thoughts and prayers are with the community at this difficult time. However, as his ex-girlfriend Ms. Whateley had full custody of their children and the damage occured on her property, Yog-Sothoth cannot be held financially responsible. We have time for one more question.”
Cultists wonder: Cthulhu hitting snooze on apocalypse alarm?
A dark figure, draped in long robes and standing apart from the group, spoke next. “I’d rather not give my name. I’d just like to know when our great lord Cthulhu, who lies dreaming in the sunken city of R’lyeh, will awaken and grace us with his presence. We’ve been worshipping him all our lives and long to look upon his terrifying visage.”
Mr. Akeley replied that Cthulhu would wake when the stars were properly aligned, and that even his closest associates didn’t know when he would return to wreak destruction and havoc upon the earth, causing the deaths of millions and the inevitable insanity of anyone who somehow managed to survive. However, in his final remarks before closing out the event, Mr. Akeley stated that Cthulhu has not ruled out the possibility of a presidential campaign later this year.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
