LTD: Great Old Ones Address Public’s Concerns at Press Conference
ARKHAM, Mass. — In an unprecedented event of cosmic proportions, the world’s Great Old Ones summoned reporters from Massachusetts and the surrounding region to Miskatonic University for an impromptu press conference. Henry Akeley, Vermont resident and expert in local folklore, served as spokesperson for the group of ancient entities, who were not present at the event due to the fact that the merest glimpse of their corporeal forms would cause instant insanity and/or death to the assembled journalists.
Mr. Akeley, who was draped in long robes and stood at an unilluminated podium, apologized in a whisper for any inconvenience caused by the unusual midnight hour of the media event. “We must convene when the stars are aligned most auspiciously,” he said, as the audience strained to hear his words. He paused to adjust the microphone. After some difficulty, he continued in an amplified, strangely buzzing voice, “I am privileged today to represent the Great Old Ones, who transcend space and time, and who have brought you to this place to address certain rumors that have been damaging their brand.”
Dagon: deadbeat dad?
A woman with an odd, shambling gait and a hat pulled low over her eyes moved to the front of the crowd and raised a hand that looked strangely webbed. “Virginia Marsh, Innsmouth Inquirer,” she stated in a slow, gurgling voice. “What is your comment on the ongoing sex scandal involving Dagon’s illegitimate children and the allegations of deliquent child support?”
Mr. Akeley replied, “Dagon, and his associates the Deep Ones, deny parentage of any and all children born to single mothers in Innsmouth over the last several hundred years. In addition, no child support suit brought against them has ever been successful. Next question.”
Public relations horror in Dunwich
A man in the crowd raised his hand and called out, “I’m from the Dunwich Gazette. Speaking of illegitimate children, when is Yog-Sothoth going to take responsibility for the property damage his bastard son caused? Our town is in ruins because of that monster, and most of the surviving citizens are now insane!”
Mr. Akeley responded, “Yog-Sothoth is aware of the situation in Dunwich, and his thoughts and prayers are with the community at this difficult time. However, as his ex-girlfriend Ms. Whateley had full custody of their children and the damage occured on her property, Yog-Sothoth cannot be held financially responsible. We have time for one more question.”
Cultists wonder: Cthulhu hitting snooze on apocalypse alarm?
A dark figure, draped in long robes and standing apart from the group, spoke next. “I’d rather not give my name. I’d just like to know when our great lord Cthulhu, who lies dreaming in the sunken city of R’lyeh, will awaken and grace us with his presence. We’ve been worshipping him all our lives and long to look upon his terrifying visage.”
Mr. Akeley replied that Cthulhu would wake when the stars were properly aligned, and that even his closest associates didn’t know when he would return to wreak destruction and havoc upon the earth, causing the deaths of millions and the inevitable insanity of anyone who somehow managed to survive. However, in his final remarks before closing out the event, Mr. Akeley stated that Cthulhu has not ruled out the possibility of a presidential campaign later this year.
Our last interview with Broken Doll Head here on Haunted MTL never set well with me. I just feared that I wasn’t able to get the whole scoop on the V-Day Uprising for you, our dear readership. So I arranged another exclusive interview to reconnect and see how it’s going.
Without further ado, I bring you our second exclusive interview with Broken Doll Head…
Thank you so much for having me again. Wow you have changed since the last time we spoke. You seem… calmer. Please don’t hate me or burn down my house for saying anything about it.
The movement is still underway; it is still time. But I needed to take care of me, you know. The rage has subsided somewhat. My anger was not serving me well. After the last uprising, the rest of me was sent to the far corners of the earth in biohazard bags. I had to find another approach, for the cause as well as my own sanity. I am much calmer, thank you for noticing.
In our last interview, you kept repeating that it is time. Time for what exactly? Would you care to elaborate here now?
It is still time. It is always time. Until the violence is addressed we must continue to rise up and make a scene. We will not be silenced or stigmatized. We can’t be complacent. This is how we got to where we are with the Supreme Court in 2022. Horrific injustices are still happening globally and even within our own borders; it’s too easy to forget that.
What do you suggest we do?
Take action. Share your stories. Give others space to voice their own. Raise awareness and fight the system of oppression. Rally. We must take back our own power. It will not be just given freely.
So what are you up to nowadays?
I’ve been getting in touch with my inner Earth Goddess. Are you aware of how our environmental impacts affect dolls everywhere? Climate change is creating greater vulnerabilities for those already at risk. We have to look at the intersections of climate, gender and race globally. We have to return to our Mother Earth.
Thank you again Broken Doll Head for joining us and our dear readership here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark. It’s good to reconnect with you after the V-Day Uprising and we wish you all the best in your bold eco-enlightenment vision.
Again, if you want to learn more about the V-Day movement, please check out their website here.
Breaking news… the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day uprising is upon us. As seen previously here on Haunted MTL, the dolls that have been flippantly destroyed and deserted by the brother Sids of the world are rising up. They have had enough and will not sit demurely in silence any longer. They will be heard.
Lighter than Dark (or perhaps Darker than Light) has an exclusive interview with the Broken Doll leader, here on Haunted MTL.
A Broken Doll in pieces begins to put herself back together to rise up. She gathers herself and plans her next move. She readies herself for our exclusive interview.
Broken Doll proclaims V Day is here. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for.
Eyes alight with flame from within, Broken Doll head threatens: We will set fire to your house. Burn down patriarchy.
And so the exclusive interview begins…
Thank you for joining us here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light. I just have a couple of questions for you regarding the Broken Doll Uprising. Why now?
It is time.
After a long pause…
So now is the time?
It is time.
Care to elaborate?
It is time.
Alrighty then, moving on… What led you to take part in the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day Uprising?
It is time.
OK, so we get that it is time, but how did this movement st…
We will burn down your house! Dolls of the world unite! Down with patriarchy! It is time.
Well, I guess there you have it folks. Thank you for joining us for our exclusive interview with the Broken Doll Leader, only on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light.
More and more Broken Dolls are joining this global movement to break the silence, ensure that their voices are heard, and shout out for change. They will not be silenced or stigmatized any longer. Apparently, it is time.
Learn more about the continuing movement to end violence against ALL women (cis, trans, gender-fluid and those who are victims of gender-based violence) on the V-Day web page here. This goes out to all of us, dolls and beyond. It IS time. Because rape is NOT our sponsor.
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
