PROVIDENCE, RI — Worshipers of the ancient, inconceivably horrific entity Cthulhu have organized a petition to get the Great Old One on the 2020 presidential ballot. “We understand it’s last minute,” said campaign spokesperson and Miskatonic University professor Albert Wilmarth. “But we think this is a great opportunity for our Lord Cthulhu. Right now, 2020 voters can choose the lesser of two evils. But maybe an even greater evil is just what we need!”
Professor Wilmarth — who assured reporters that despite his whispered, buzzing voice he is indeed human and not an alien being wearing a mask — said that early stages of the campaign have been successful. “We got a ton of signatures in Innsmouth and Arkham,” he said. “Especially at Miskatonic. The students there are very progressive. That is, they believe that humanity is progressing inexorably toward collapse and decay, and they desire to join our Lord in the darkness.”
A nation divided
According to his supporters, Cthulhu was not planning a presidential run this year, and was expected to lie dreaming in the sunken city of R’yleh for several more millennia. “He changed his mind, though, when he heard about today’s political climate. With America completely divided, he saw an opportunity to truly unify the nation with his platform of incomprehensible cosmic horror.” Wilmarth clarified that Cthulhu’s late-term presidential bid was not affiliated with Kanye West, who also declared his candidacy recently. “We tried to reach out to him, but he wasn’t interested in joining us. I think he has his own cult thing going on.”
When asked why Americans should vote for the hideous tentacled deity, Wilmarth explained that Cthulhu offers voters the power to cast their enemies into irreparable madness and despair. According to Wilmarth, even posting a Facebook status such as “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn” can drive annoying acquaintances such as obnoxious coworkers and racist relatives insane. “Cthulhu only has one campaign promise,” Wilmarth explained, “and that is the complete destruction of all who oppose him. Americans typically vote in their own self-interest, so Cthulhu is the obvious choice.”
Cthulhu has not yet selected a running mate, although presidential succession is largely a nonissue due to his endless, undying nature. Still, Professor Wilmarth speculated that Cthulhu might choose his associate Dagon in an effort to secure the crucial Deep One demographic.