Chicago, IL. It was a typical day for Brenda Jiffy, renowned babysitter and LEGO wrangler. She received an email from Sherry Beelzebub asking her to watch Beelzebub’s six-year-old boy for a date night. Sherry found her through a friend of a friend, nothing to bat an eye at. Sherry asked Brenda to watch her son, Billy Bob, for four hours, while she and her husband went salsa dancing and Tapas eating. They promised Brenda a crisp Benjamin Franklin for the night.
“I thought, hey, that’s good money. I was used to families giving me $12 an hour at most. It wasn’t much, but my father created Jiffy Peanut Butter, so I’m set for life. The babysitting gigs are just ‘life experience’ and an excuse to scope out the hot dads in my neighborhood. Don’t look at me like that, I have a type, and I won’t hide it,” Brenda said.
Brenda is a proud 22-year-old woman who loves a silver fox.
Brenda went on to explain that she did her usual social media search to get a feel for whether or not she was into Billy Bob’s Daddy. But nothing came up — not a single sniff of the Billy Bob lineage on Instagram or Twitter.
“I thought it was super freaking odd, but I try not to judge. I can get behind an unplugged kind of life. It’s inspirational,” Brenda explained.
Brenda came in blindsided, just like the Beelzebub’s wanted her to. She shares that Sherry greeted her at the door. This is when Brenda gets choked up. “She was like super hot, like what was her skincare routine? Can you ask her for this investigation?” When asked for comments, Sherry, her husband, and little Billy Bob refused. Needless to say, Brenda would never know what moisturizer Sherry uses.
However, there are more questions that need answers. Brenda continues, “So I walk in, and she brings me to Billy Bob’s playroom. She opens the door, and there he is in his little Oshkosh overalls conducting a séance.” Brenda continues, “There was an Ouija board, candles that weren’t from Anthropologie, and a ring of blood around Billy Bob.”
It’s unclear what kind of candles he was using, but it’s safe to say that Brenda did not appreciate the scent. The smell of blood was another factor to consider.
“Sherry explained that her son loves to do séances on a full moon, and lucky for me, it was, in fact, a full moon. At this moment, I wish I downloaded the Co-Star app like my twink friend Tom suggested I do,” Brenda said as she wiped away tears. “It only got worse from there, ma’am,” Brenda recounted.
Even six-years-olds believe in astrology. It’s unholy.
She shares that Billy Bob did not speak a lick of English the entire night. She can only guess he was speaking Latin, the Devil’s tongue. At one point, he levitated and then turned his head in a 360-degree angle to look at Brenda and cackle. “He literally pointed at my hair and laughed. It was so rude. I just got highlights and a fresh cut. Who did this punk think he was? He’s not Jonathan Van Ness for Christ’s sake,” Brenda then broke down into sobs.
The four hours went by fast because Brenda said she locked Billy Bob in his playroom, and snooped around the house for pictures of his father. She almost gave up on looking when she saw a certain red-colored figure on the refrigerator door.
“Yeah, that’s right. Billy Bob’s father was Satan himself. I was not prepared for that one bit. I thought he would be smoking hot since his wife was hot. And in a way, he was because he came from the fiery pits of hell.”
When Brenda realized this, she explained she said goodbye to Billy Bob as he was suspended in the air, swiped $200 from the wallet she found in a desk drawer, and left.
“That experience truly changed me to my core. I am no longer pursuing hot dads. Actually, I’ve joined a convent, and soon enough, I will have that cute little outfit on full-time because guess what?” Brenda smiles, “Not today, Satan.”
LTD Tripped Out Motivational Posters
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
LTD Happy New Year Baby!
In keeping with the tradition of celebrating the first New Year Baby, the firstborn of the year, we are excited to announce the birth of Baybee Draconia Werewoof. Draconia was birthed at precisely midnight January 1, 2023 during a demonic ritual. We are still uncertain whether or not her mother survived the event. But, like any demonspawn, Draconia is already well on her way to ruling the world with an iron-clawed fist.
New Year Baby Draconia opened her eyes immediately and ripped apart the fancy 2023 sash she was christened with upon her arrival. She was already walking, teething, and mauling her nursery mates about an hour after her birth. After setting off two minor explosions and a small fire, she is starting to show a propensity for the Dark Magicks. Her experiences are limited so her mind control and delusional tendencies are still fledgling, but are sure to really take off as she takes in more of the world.
New Year Baby Draconia is expected to start schooling this year within her cultist circle. As her skills and following develop, she will begin to pave the way for the Spawn of Satan, Harbinger of the Apocolypse, so Draconia is the New Year Baby to keep an eye on.
LTD: The Horrors of Jell-O
Jell-O is horrifying, and not just because of all that has been revealed about its longtime spokesperson Bill Cosby. In its dark past, it has called forth Eldritch horrors beyond human comprehension from the depths of the furthest points of the universe.
But Jell-O itself is harmless you say, besides which it is yummy. And it’s fun to make glowing Jell-O shots and zombie brains & other body parts with my silicone Halloween molds. Just think about all of The Joys of Jell-O, you assert. As both a horror fan and culinary inclusionist, I can tell you’re not convinced…
Now I’m not talking about the fruit salad Jell-O concoctions that have graced every Midwest potluck for nearly a century. No, I’m referring to the 1940s Jell-O terrors involving shredded vegetables, pureed hot dogs, fish, shrimp, and other substances that many of us dare not speak of today, for fear we may slowly lose our sanity by simply mentioning them.
Still don’t believe me? Well, let’s check out some of the most incriminating evidence, shall we?
What in all of Hell’s half acre are these monstrocities? They look like something straight out of Hades concessions? Why would anyone in their right mind do that to perfectly good seafood? And what’s with the hot dog cultists, or worse yet – pureed hot dogs? Remember – if the dog won’t eat it, maybe it actually isn’t food. And the cat is repelled as if she saw a ghost, then perhaps she really did…
To call forth a demigod or other deity of any sort, one does best to craft something in its image, and these culinary masterpieces did exactly that. Imagine all of the Lovecraftian horrors they sought to unleash upon the unsuspecting world. What Eldritch terrors are drawn to the smell and taste of aspic? We must do everything in our power to thwart this great evil.
In response, I have chosen to collect copper fish molds. These kitchen adornments’ sole function was to craft these horrific things, that is their nefarious purpose. No one makes fruit salad Jell-O in the shape of a dead salmon, now do they? Of course not! Give it some thought, and join me in being a part of the solution.
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