LTD: Babysitter Narrowly Escapes Night From Hell
Chicago, IL. It was a typical day for Brenda Jiffy, renowned babysitter and LEGO wrangler. She received an email from Sherry Beelzebub asking her to watch Beelzebub’s six-year-old boy for a date night. Sherry found her through a friend of a friend, nothing to bat an eye at. Sherry asked Brenda to watch her son, Billy Bob, for four hours, while she and her husband went salsa dancing and Tapas eating. They promised Brenda a crisp Benjamin Franklin for the night.
“I thought, hey, that’s good money. I was used to families giving me $12 an hour at most. It wasn’t much, but my father created Jiffy Peanut Butter, so I’m set for life. The babysitting gigs are just ‘life experience’ and an excuse to scope out the hot dads in my neighborhood. Don’t look at me like that, I have a type, and I won’t hide it,” Brenda said.
Brenda is a proud 22-year-old woman who loves a silver fox.
Brenda went on to explain that she did her usual social media search to get a feel for whether or not she was into Billy Bob’s Daddy. But nothing came up — not a single sniff of the Billy Bob lineage on Instagram or Twitter.
“I thought it was super freaking odd, but I try not to judge. I can get behind an unplugged kind of life. It’s inspirational,” Brenda explained.
Brenda came in blindsided, just like the Beelzebub’s wanted her to. She shares that Sherry greeted her at the door. This is when Brenda gets choked up. “She was like super hot, like what was her skincare routine? Can you ask her for this investigation?” When asked for comments, Sherry, her husband, and little Billy Bob refused. Needless to say, Brenda would never know what moisturizer Sherry uses.
However, there are more questions that need answers. Brenda continues, “So I walk in, and she brings me to Billy Bob’s playroom. She opens the door, and there he is in his little Oshkosh overalls conducting a séance.” Brenda continues, “There was an Ouija board, candles that weren’t from Anthropologie, and a ring of blood around Billy Bob.”
It’s unclear what kind of candles he was using, but it’s safe to say that Brenda did not appreciate the scent. The smell of blood was another factor to consider.
“Sherry explained that her son loves to do séances on a full moon, and lucky for me, it was, in fact, a full moon. At this moment, I wish I downloaded the Co-Star app like my twink friend Tom suggested I do,” Brenda said as she wiped away tears. “It only got worse from there, ma’am,” Brenda recounted.
Even six-years-olds believe in astrology. It’s unholy.
She shares that Billy Bob did not speak a lick of English the entire night. She can only guess he was speaking Latin, the Devil’s tongue. At one point, he levitated and then turned his head in a 360-degree angle to look at Brenda and cackle. “He literally pointed at my hair and laughed. It was so rude. I just got highlights and a fresh cut. Who did this punk think he was? He’s not Jonathan Van Ness for Christ’s sake,” Brenda then broke down into sobs.
The four hours went by fast because Brenda said she locked Billy Bob in his playroom, and snooped around the house for pictures of his father. She almost gave up on looking when she saw a certain red-colored figure on the refrigerator door.
“Yeah, that’s right. Billy Bob’s father was Satan himself. I was not prepared for that one bit. I thought he would be smoking hot since his wife was hot. And in a way, he was because he came from the fiery pits of hell.”
When Brenda realized this, she explained she said goodbye to Billy Bob as he was suspended in the air, swiped $200 from the wallet she found in a desk drawer, and left.
“That experience truly changed me to my core. I am no longer pursuing hot dads. Actually, I’ve joined a convent, and soon enough, I will have that cute little outfit on full-time because guess what?” Brenda smiles, “Not today, Satan.”
Our last interview with Broken Doll Head here on Haunted MTL never set well with me. I just feared that I wasn’t able to get the whole scoop on the V-Day Uprising for you, our dear readership. So I arranged another exclusive interview to reconnect and see how it’s going.
Without further ado, I bring you our second exclusive interview with Broken Doll Head…
Thank you so much for having me again. Wow you have changed since the last time we spoke. You seem… calmer. Please don’t hate me or burn down my house for saying anything about it.
The movement is still underway; it is still time. But I needed to take care of me, you know. The rage has subsided somewhat. My anger was not serving me well. After the last uprising, the rest of me was sent to the far corners of the earth in biohazard bags. I had to find another approach, for the cause as well as my own sanity. I am much calmer, thank you for noticing.
In our last interview, you kept repeating that it is time. Time for what exactly? Would you care to elaborate here now?
It is still time. It is always time. Until the violence is addressed we must continue to rise up and make a scene. We will not be silenced or stigmatized. We can’t be complacent. This is how we got to where we are with the Supreme Court in 2022. Horrific injustices are still happening globally and even within our own borders; it’s too easy to forget that.
What do you suggest we do?
Take action. Share your stories. Give others space to voice their own. Raise awareness and fight the system of oppression. Rally. We must take back our own power. It will not be just given freely.
So what are you up to nowadays?
I’ve been getting in touch with my inner Earth Goddess. Are you aware of how our environmental impacts affect dolls everywhere? Climate change is creating greater vulnerabilities for those already at risk. We have to look at the intersections of climate, gender and race globally. We have to return to our Mother Earth.
Thank you again Broken Doll Head for joining us and our dear readership here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark. It’s good to reconnect with you after the V-Day Uprising and we wish you all the best in your bold eco-enlightenment vision.
Again, if you want to learn more about the V-Day movement, please check out their website here.
Breaking news… the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day uprising is upon us. As seen previously here on Haunted MTL, the dolls that have been flippantly destroyed and deserted by the brother Sids of the world are rising up. They have had enough and will not sit demurely in silence any longer. They will be heard.
Lighter than Dark (or perhaps Darker than Light) has an exclusive interview with the Broken Doll leader, here on Haunted MTL.
A Broken Doll in pieces begins to put herself back together to rise up. She gathers herself and plans her next move. She readies herself for our exclusive interview.
Broken Doll proclaims V Day is here. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for.
Eyes alight with flame from within, Broken Doll head threatens: We will set fire to your house. Burn down patriarchy.
And so the exclusive interview begins…
Thank you for joining us here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light. I just have a couple of questions for you regarding the Broken Doll Uprising. Why now?
It is time.
After a long pause…
So now is the time?
It is time.
Care to elaborate?
It is time.
Alrighty then, moving on… What led you to take part in the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day Uprising?
It is time.
OK, so we get that it is time, but how did this movement st…
We will burn down your house! Dolls of the world unite! Down with patriarchy! It is time.
Well, I guess there you have it folks. Thank you for joining us for our exclusive interview with the Broken Doll Leader, only on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light.
More and more Broken Dolls are joining this global movement to break the silence, ensure that their voices are heard, and shout out for change. They will not be silenced or stigmatized any longer. Apparently, it is time.
Learn more about the continuing movement to end violence against ALL women (cis, trans, gender-fluid and those who are victims of gender-based violence) on the V-Day web page here. This goes out to all of us, dolls and beyond. It IS time. Because rape is NOT our sponsor.
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
