Chicago, IL. It was a typical day for Brenda Jiffy, renowned babysitter and LEGO wrangler. She received an email from Sherry Beelzebub asking her to watch Beelzebub’s six-year-old boy for a date night. Sherry found her through a friend of a friend, nothing to bat an eye at. Sherry asked Brenda to watch her son, Billy Bob, for four hours, while she and her husband went salsa dancing and Tapas eating. They promised Brenda a crisp Benjamin Franklin for the night.
“I thought, hey, that’s good money. I was used to families giving me $12 an hour at most. It wasn’t much, but my father created Jiffy Peanut Butter, so I’m set for life. The babysitting gigs are just ‘life experience’ and an excuse to scope out the hot dads in my neighborhood. Don’t look at me like that, I have a type, and I won’t hide it,” Brenda said.
Brenda is a proud 22-year-old woman who loves a silver fox.
Brenda went on to explain that she did her usual social media search to get a feel for whether or not she was into Billy Bob’s Daddy. But nothing came up — not a single sniff of the Billy Bob lineage on Instagram or Twitter.
“I thought it was super freaking odd, but I try not to judge. I can get behind an unplugged kind of life. It’s inspirational,” Brenda explained.
Brenda came in blindsided, just like the Beelzebub’s wanted her to. She shares that Sherry greeted her at the door. This is when Brenda gets choked up. “She was like super hot, like what was her skincare routine? Can you ask her for this investigation?” When asked for comments, Sherry, her husband, and little Billy Bob refused. Needless to say, Brenda would never know what moisturizer Sherry uses.
However, there are more questions that need answers. Brenda continues, “So I walk in, and she brings me to Billy Bob’s playroom. She opens the door, and there he is in his little Oshkosh overalls conducting a séance.” Brenda continues, “There was an Ouija board, candles that weren’t from Anthropologie, and a ring of blood around Billy Bob.”
It’s unclear what kind of candles he was using, but it’s safe to say that Brenda did not appreciate the scent. The smell of blood was another factor to consider.
“Sherry explained that her son loves to do séances on a full moon, and lucky for me, it was, in fact, a full moon. At this moment, I wish I downloaded the Co-Star app like my twink friend Tom suggested I do,” Brenda said as she wiped away tears. “It only got worse from there, ma’am,” Brenda recounted.
Even six-years-olds believe in astrology. It’s unholy.
She shares that Billy Bob did not speak a lick of English the entire night. She can only guess he was speaking Latin, the Devil’s tongue. At one point, he levitated and then turned his head in a 360-degree angle to look at Brenda and cackle. “He literally pointed at my hair and laughed. It was so rude. I just got highlights and a fresh cut. Who did this punk think he was? He’s not Jonathan Van Ness for Christ’s sake,” Brenda then broke down into sobs.
The four hours went by fast because Brenda said she locked Billy Bob in his playroom, and snooped around the house for pictures of his father. She almost gave up on looking when she saw a certain red-colored figure on the refrigerator door.
“Yeah, that’s right. Billy Bob’s father was Satan himself. I was not prepared for that one bit. I thought he would be smoking hot since his wife was hot. And in a way, he was because he came from the fiery pits of hell.”
When Brenda realized this, she explained she said goodbye to Billy Bob as he was suspended in the air, swiped $200 from the wallet she found in a desk drawer, and left.
“That experience truly changed me to my core. I am no longer pursuing hot dads. Actually, I’ve joined a convent, and soon enough, I will have that cute little outfit on full-time because guess what?” Brenda smiles, “Not today, Satan.”
LTD Dream Subscription Service now available
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
LTD: Hookman Insurance Couple Encounters Ghost
So you may remember the couple that won $10.2 million in the Hookman auto insurance settlement awhile back. Well, Haunted MTL’s Lighter Than Dark crossed paths with them again after they were being ghost-ed in their new apartment. And not the kind of ghost-ing where someone who was really into them just stopped engaging, more the kind where supernatural forces are at play. Here’s the scoop on that weirdness.
It appears that the couple had used some of the settlement money to move out and get their own place. They were really level-headed about the whole thing and were thinking about their future together, not just looking to shack up in a party palace.
“My mom was being such a drag after the whole Hookman thing, grounding me and all. She’d been totally cool with our relationship until she found out we were meeting out on Lover’s Lane and the car got all scraped and bloodied up, and then she just kind of flipped out. And then once we got money for the whole ordeal, she was all like wanting help with this or that, buying groceries and crap. So we got ourselves our own apartment,” one interviewee said. “It was great at first but then things got weird.”
The couple, then in their senior year of high school, wouldn’t admit to lying on the lease, but they did state that they weren’t supposed to have pets. Despite the no-pet policy, they brought their cat Cuddles. Cuddles was totally cool and even settled in nicely. But then things changed.
“I think something tipped off our landlord,” the interviewee said. “Apparently the building was part of some estate from some old dead dude. Hell, we’d never even met the guy running it, but he kept things in order and we didn’t have any complaints. But one day Cuddles sneaked out into the hallway when we were bringing in groceries. There was this weird commotion, like some kind of muffled scream from some faraway room down the hall, and we were like the only unit on that floor. After the creepy distant yell, Cuddles darted back in like lightning; she just wasn’t the same.”
It seemed that Cuddles had seen a ghost, and it wasn’t going to leave her alone after the incident. She’d stare into space and get all poofy for no apparent reason at all. She’d cry and whine at all hours of the night. Or she’d leap away from her owner, hissing and acting all terrified. She refused to go into certain rooms and started peeing in different places outside of her litter box. She was totally freaked out.
“It’s like she was being ghost-ed. The poor kitty was never at peace. I’ve had Cuddles since she was a kitten, and this was totally unlike her.” The interviewee continued, “I felt terrible. Something obviously had it out for her and there was nothing we could do about it. We tried cat pheromones, sage, and geomancy; we even got a paranormal expert in to cleanse the place. Nothing helped.”
The interviewee went on, “One day, we were all laid back on the couch smoking some weed with a couple of friends and we just felt everything settle down. Cuddles came and sat on my lap like nothing had ever changed. The whole apartment seemed to breathe a huge sigh of relief. Everything was just… chill…”
According to the couple, it was like the ghost just needed to get high and “calm the f- down”. Perhaps it’s spirits were raised, or it and Cuddles worked something out. But it seems that everything has been all buddy-buddy since, and Cuddles is her happy purring furry-faced feline self again.
Note: this segment came about after I woke from one of the most legit terrifying dreams I’ve ever had, about my current cat Cinderella freaking the hell out in response to some unseen presence that came in on some object I brought home or something. It was totally messed up but fit into that it-could-totally-happen vibe that didn’t feel at all like a dream. This was one of the most twisted nightmare scenarios I’ve had in awhile, and I’m borderline narcoleptic so I’ve had some doozies. Dream experience rated 1 out of 10, would not recommend.
And further note: no cats were harmed or haunted in the making of this story. My cat Major Tom was not distressed in this photo, he was greeting me with a huge yawning stretch as I stumbled up the stairs. It was an impressively big movement at the time and I was glad I was able to capture it on film since Major Tom was always a little camera-shy (he hated the “light/hand-rectangle” because I tended to leave it lying around randomly in the morning when the alarm went off and he had to fetch me to make it stop).
LTD: Revisiting Broken Doll Head, Interview 2
Our last interview with Broken Doll Head here on Haunted MTL never set well with me. I just feared that I wasn’t able to get the whole scoop on the V-Day Uprising for you, our dear readership. So I arranged another exclusive interview to reconnect and see how it’s going.
Without further ado, I bring you our second exclusive interview with Broken Doll Head…
Thank you so much for having me again. Wow you have changed since the last time we spoke. You seem… calmer. Please don’t hate me or burn down my house for saying anything about it.
The movement is still underway; it is still time. But I needed to take care of me, you know. The rage has subsided somewhat. My anger was not serving me well. After the last uprising, the rest of me was sent to the far corners of the earth in biohazard bags. I had to find another approach, for the cause as well as my own sanity. I am much calmer, thank you for noticing.
In our last interview, you kept repeating that it is time. Time for what exactly? Would you care to elaborate here now?
It is still time. It is always time. Until the violence is addressed we must continue to rise up and make a scene. We will not be silenced or stigmatized. We can’t be complacent. This is how we got to where we are with the Supreme Court in 2022. Horrific injustices are still happening globally and even within our own borders; it’s too easy to forget that.
What do you suggest we do?
Take action. Share your stories. Give others space to voice their own. Raise awareness and fight the system of oppression. Rally. We must take back our own power. It will not be just given freely.
So what are you up to nowadays?
I’ve been getting in touch with my inner Earth Goddess. Are you aware of how our environmental impacts affect dolls everywhere? Climate change is creating greater vulnerabilities for those already at risk. We have to look at the intersections of climate, gender and race globally. We have to return to our Mother Earth.
Thank you again Broken Doll Head for joining us and our dear readership here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark. It’s good to reconnect with you after the V-Day Uprising and we wish you all the best in your bold eco-enlightenment vision.