LTD: CDC Urges Americans to Practice Social Distancing During Zombie Pandemic
ATLANTA, GA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued a statement today urging citizens to practice social distancing to slow the spread of the zombie pandemic. “All Americans should avoid large crowds and stay home whenever possible,” the press release stated. “A bite, sneeze, or cough from a zombie can cause an instantaneous and excruciatingly painful transformation to the person who has been exposed.”
The cause of the worldwide zombie pandemic and potential apocalypse has not been identified, though it is known that some zombies entered the United States after stowing away on cruise ships. Symptoms of the zombie virus appear immediately after exposure and include an awkward, shambling gait, excessive drooling, slurred speech, and an insatiable craving for human brains. People who have contracted the virus are incapable of restraining themselves, which is why social distancing is crucial.
Some refuse to go solo
Though the zombie situation has now been officially recognized as a global pandemic by the World Health Organization (WHO), some Americans feel the panic is overblown. “We’ve been waiting, like, all year for spring break,” explained Brody Johnson, 19, who traveled to Miami with a large group of his fellow college students. “We’re not gonna let some stupid slow-ass zombies stop us. Fucking YOLO, man!” Many in the group cheered and raised red Solo cups in agreement. Some partygoers were also seen leaning on each other and walking in the direction of a darkened alley, despite reminders from the CDC and WHO to remain in open, well-lit areas.
While some have blamed the spreading of the zombie pandemic on Gen Z and Millennials, there are also older Americans who question the CDC’s advice. “That Chinese virus? I heard it’s just a bad cold,” said Fred Baker, 62, who was interviewed at a local Costco while his wife Karen sorted through a large coupon organizer. “It’s just a bunch of liberals being dramatic.” The Bakers, who decided to stock up on toilet paper when they found a stack of $0.50 off coupons that were about to expire, filled an entire cart despite the fact that only the two of them currently live at home. When asked if they intended to practice social distancing, Mrs. Baker said they planned to stop at a buffet restaurant and a movie theater after their shopping trip.
Experts at the CDC continue to remind the public that while people who are young and fit can generally evade the zombies, the spread of the pandemic endangers those who are elderly or otherwise unable to move quickly. However, many Americans are primarily focused on their own safety. Kevin Parker, 38, spoke to reporters about his decision to go out drinking with a large group of coworkers. “I’m not worried. I just ran a 5K like two years ago,” Mr. Parker claimed. Later in the evening, bystanders reported that an inebriated Mr. Parker, who had mistaken another bar patron for a zombie, took off running and knocked down an elderly gentleman in the process.
CDC: “Keep your dumb ass home”
The zombie pandemic continues to spread across the globe, and the CDC advises Americans to do all they can to avoid spreading the virus. A spokesperson for the agency advised, “Practice social distancing, wash your hands, and avoid touching anything contaminated, such as discarded clothing or shoes, piles of entrails or organs, or various body parts you may encounter.”
Mr. Johnson, the Bakers, and Mr. Parker did not respond to follow-up questions for this article. Mr. Johnson’s Instagram account is still active, but the content is now largely brain and viscera-related.
Our last interview with Broken Doll Head here on Haunted MTL never set well with me. I just feared that I wasn’t able to get the whole scoop on the V-Day Uprising for you, our dear readership. So I arranged another exclusive interview to reconnect and see how it’s going.
Without further ado, I bring you our second exclusive interview with Broken Doll Head…
Thank you so much for having me again. Wow you have changed since the last time we spoke. You seem… calmer. Please don’t hate me or burn down my house for saying anything about it.
The movement is still underway; it is still time. But I needed to take care of me, you know. The rage has subsided somewhat. My anger was not serving me well. After the last uprising, the rest of me was sent to the far corners of the earth in biohazard bags. I had to find another approach, for the cause as well as my own sanity. I am much calmer, thank you for noticing.
In our last interview, you kept repeating that it is time. Time for what exactly? Would you care to elaborate here now?
It is still time. It is always time. Until the violence is addressed we must continue to rise up and make a scene. We will not be silenced or stigmatized. We can’t be complacent. This is how we got to where we are with the Supreme Court in 2022. Horrific injustices are still happening globally and even within our own borders; it’s too easy to forget that.
What do you suggest we do?
Take action. Share your stories. Give others space to voice their own. Raise awareness and fight the system of oppression. Rally. We must take back our own power. It will not be just given freely.
So what are you up to nowadays?
I’ve been getting in touch with my inner Earth Goddess. Are you aware of how our environmental impacts affect dolls everywhere? Climate change is creating greater vulnerabilities for those already at risk. We have to look at the intersections of climate, gender and race globally. We have to return to our Mother Earth.
Thank you again Broken Doll Head for joining us and our dear readership here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark. It’s good to reconnect with you after the V-Day Uprising and we wish you all the best in your bold eco-enlightenment vision.
Again, if you want to learn more about the V-Day movement, please check out their website here.
Breaking news… the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day uprising is upon us. As seen previously here on Haunted MTL, the dolls that have been flippantly destroyed and deserted by the brother Sids of the world are rising up. They have had enough and will not sit demurely in silence any longer. They will be heard.
Lighter than Dark (or perhaps Darker than Light) has an exclusive interview with the Broken Doll leader, here on Haunted MTL.
A Broken Doll in pieces begins to put herself back together to rise up. She gathers herself and plans her next move. She readies herself for our exclusive interview.
Broken Doll proclaims V Day is here. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for.
Eyes alight with flame from within, Broken Doll head threatens: We will set fire to your house. Burn down patriarchy.
And so the exclusive interview begins…
Thank you for joining us here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light. I just have a couple of questions for you regarding the Broken Doll Uprising. Why now?
It is time.
After a long pause…
So now is the time?
It is time.
Care to elaborate?
It is time.
Alrighty then, moving on… What led you to take part in the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day Uprising?
It is time.
OK, so we get that it is time, but how did this movement st…
We will burn down your house! Dolls of the world unite! Down with patriarchy! It is time.
Well, I guess there you have it folks. Thank you for joining us for our exclusive interview with the Broken Doll Leader, only on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light.
More and more Broken Dolls are joining this global movement to break the silence, ensure that their voices are heard, and shout out for change. They will not be silenced or stigmatized any longer. Apparently, it is time.
Learn more about the continuing movement to end violence against ALL women (cis, trans, gender-fluid and those who are victims of gender-based violence) on the V-Day web page here. This goes out to all of us, dolls and beyond. It IS time. Because rape is NOT our sponsor.
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
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