LTD: CDC Urges Americans to Practice Social Distancing During Zombie Pandemic
ATLANTA, GA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued a statement today urging citizens to practice social distancing to slow the spread of the zombie pandemic. “All Americans should avoid large crowds and stay home whenever possible,” the press release stated. “A bite, sneeze, or cough from a zombie can cause an instantaneous and excruciatingly painful transformation to the person who has been exposed.”
The cause of the worldwide zombie pandemic and potential apocalypse has not been identified, though it is known that some zombies entered the United States after stowing away on cruise ships. Symptoms of the zombie virus appear immediately after exposure and include an awkward, shambling gait, excessive drooling, slurred speech, and an insatiable craving for human brains. People who have contracted the virus are incapable of restraining themselves, which is why social distancing is crucial.
Some refuse to go solo
Though the zombie situation has now been officially recognized as a global pandemic by the World Health Organization (WHO), some Americans feel the panic is overblown. “We’ve been waiting, like, all year for spring break,” explained Brody Johnson, 19, who traveled to Miami with a large group of his fellow college students. “We’re not gonna let some stupid slow-ass zombies stop us. Fucking YOLO, man!” Many in the group cheered and raised red Solo cups in agreement. Some partygoers were also seen leaning on each other and walking in the direction of a darkened alley, despite reminders from the CDC and WHO to remain in open, well-lit areas.
While some have blamed the spreading of the zombie pandemic on Gen Z and Millennials, there are also older Americans who question the CDC’s advice. “That Chinese virus? I heard it’s just a bad cold,” said Fred Baker, 62, who was interviewed at a local Costco while his wife Karen sorted through a large coupon organizer. “It’s just a bunch of liberals being dramatic.” The Bakers, who decided to stock up on toilet paper when they found a stack of $0.50 off coupons that were about to expire, filled an entire cart despite the fact that only the two of them currently live at home. When asked if they intended to practice social distancing, Mrs. Baker said they planned to stop at a buffet restaurant and a movie theater after their shopping trip.
Experts at the CDC continue to remind the public that while people who are young and fit can generally evade the zombies, the spread of the pandemic endangers those who are elderly or otherwise unable to move quickly. However, many Americans are primarily focused on their own safety. Kevin Parker, 38, spoke to reporters about his decision to go out drinking with a large group of coworkers. “I’m not worried. I just ran a 5K like two years ago,” Mr. Parker claimed. Later in the evening, bystanders reported that an inebriated Mr. Parker, who had mistaken another bar patron for a zombie, took off running and knocked down an elderly gentleman in the process.
CDC: “Keep your dumb ass home”
The zombie pandemic continues to spread across the globe, and the CDC advises Americans to do all they can to avoid spreading the virus. A spokesperson for the agency advised, “Practice social distancing, wash your hands, and avoid touching anything contaminated, such as discarded clothing or shoes, piles of entrails or organs, or various body parts you may encounter.”
Mr. Johnson, the Bakers, and Mr. Parker did not respond to follow-up questions for this article. Mr. Johnson’s Instagram account is still active, but the content is now largely brain and viscera-related.
Good news to my nonbinary pals – we no longer exist!
“But Brannyk,” you may be thinking, “what am I supposed to do now that I am no longer a real being? How shall I spend my days?”
Unfortunately, the government has not released a handbook for this occasion, so I thought we could brainstorm together.
BECOME A GHOST
There are some benefits to being a ghost, for sure.
No rent or insurance payment. No corporate job, no cleaning cat litter, no AT&T trying to sell you another line after repeatedly telling them that you just want to make sure that your autopayment is on, but they’re all like, ‘Why would you pass up such a bargain on a second line? Are you an idiot? Why wouldn’t you need another phone line?‘ and so you have to tell them, “Because I’M DIVORCED, ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT!”
Ahem. I digress.
Yeah, you may not be able to venture out, much like Adam and Barbara in Beetlejuice. You may need to put up with someone else crashing your place and moving around all of your shit. Or Ryan Reynolds trying to sell you Mint Mobile. Or some toxic couple taking your creepy doll that you spent years on trying to possess.
Or, my absolute biggest pet peeve, when you’re practicing for the ghost speed chair-stacking championship and the normies just don’t appreciate your cool skills.
But the advantages are that you get to stay home, watch tv, stack your chairs and hope whoever buys your house/visits your creepy woods/gentrifies your neighborhood is a cool person, too.
(2 / 5)
It’s a good choice, but has a lot of drawbacks.
BECOME A CREATURE
Look, if you’re not going to exist, go big or go home, I’d say.
Monsters are cool. They play by their own rules. Sometimes they cause havoc. Sometimes they come around and help people. Sometimes they work alone. And other times, they have a lot of friends. Sometimes they just need some affirmation. And sometimes they’re…in high school, apparently?
The cool thing is that they come in all shapes and sizes.
Monsters are generally misunderstood. Some have their fans. Others are hated.
So basically, just like people, except with more tentacles.
The only downsides are that you might be too big or too “ick” for some people (these can also be pluses), you may have a taste for human flesh (no judgement), or the biggest issue – there are too many choices.
You could get stuck trying to figure out what kind of monster you are. If you’re not into labels, it’s an absolute nightmare. Or if you’re like me, it’ll be like standing in Subway for 15 minutes trying to figure out what toppings and dressings you want while the “sandwich artist” is openly judging you.
(4 / 5)
I like the customization, but it can be a bit too overwhelming.
BECOME A CRYPTID
Hear me out. I know it seems a lot like the monster category, but it’s not quite.
Cryptids are weird and mysterious. They keep to themselves. They have people who are fascinated by them and post on Reddit about them. Some have people making documentaries about them.
They’re like monsters’ quieter cousin who reads books in the corner at family gatherings. They collect shiny things they find by the side of the road. Sometimes they’ll steal a peanut butter sandwich or two.
Ever so often, they might scare a human just by existing or by politely asking for their stuff back.
Each one kinda has their own goals and priorities. Their own hangouts and interests. But unlike monsters, they’re not looking to rock any boats-
Never mind, I stand corrected.
(5 / 5)
I like the freedoms of being a cryptid and also dig the cottage-core vibe I get from them.
CONCLUSION: LET’S BE REAL FOR A SECOND…
I know it’s hard right now. It’s going to be hard. You may not exist to some assholes, but you are real. You have real feelings and thoughts and dreams. You have a real future. You have real decisions. Real actions that affect this world.
You have the real ability to wake up tomorrow and choose to exist. And for whatever reason you choose. Use it. Ghosts and monsters and cryptids are powerful, just like you are, even when you don’t feel like it. They have a place in our human world, just like you do. You make this world interesting and important.
You are part of this world, you are real, and you are not alone.
The horror community is one of acceptance, diversity, creativity and passion. In these times, it needs to be. We need to rely on each other. We need to cultivate and protect each other, as much as we need to protect ourselves.
And it looks like I’ll be coming out of my own cryptid hovel I’ve spent the past few years in to remind you that. My job isn’t done. Not by a longshot. And neither is yours.
You exist to me. Today, tomorrow, and forever.
Be safe out there, friends.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
