LTD: Man Claims, “It Follows” Him Since He Went Shopping Without A Mask
LAS VEGAS, NV. The air was dry, but Steve Parkin’s pits were anything but. The Las Vegas native was seen running down The Strip, screaming his greasy head off at nothing in particular.
LAS VEGAS, NV. The air was dry, but Steve Parkin’s pits were anything but. The Las Vegas native was seen running down The Strip, screaming his greasy head off at nothing in particular. Our crew followed him to the Fountains of the Bellagio, where he dove in to hide from… well at first we weren’t sure what. The Strip was dead quiet aside from Parkin’s obnoxious shrieking.
When we caught up to Parkins to question his odd behavior, he was leaving the fountains and gearing up to start running again. We asked him for a few minutes of his time, but he said he could only do that if we ran with him. Naturally, our nosey selves agreed. In between huffs and puffs, Parkins explained that he had been followed by a slow moving entity ever since he went grocery shopping without a mask on.
“It just started following me. I tried to yell at the thing, but it’s mute and completely expressionless. Plus it constantly changes. One day it’s a seventy-year-old woman in a hospital gown, the next it’s a freakishly tall goth kid with black holes for eyes. But no matter what It is… It tries to get me,” Parkins explained.
He bent over and threw up on the cigarette littered sidewalk. Vegas has never smelled better. Then Parkins looked me dead in the eye and said, “I need a mask right now.”
After he said this, we stepped back a foot. Our entire crew is full of intelligent, conscientious human beings so we were wearing face masks. Parkins had this menacing look in his eye and it wasn’t just because he threw up so violently that he popped a blood vessel in his eye. No, no. This was a desperate man.
“You know, ever since this happened to me earlier this week, I wondered. What if I get someone else to not wear a mask? Maybe then It wouldn’t want me. I could rip a mask off of anyone’s law-abiding face, and put it on my own. Then hopefully, It will go after them instead of me,” Parkins said.
Our crew backed away further, but Parkins was closing the gap.
“You guys are old right? You’re like 35, he’s probably 30, and that girl is late forties?” Parkins said with his fists clenched.
*It’s important to note that Parkins was way off. I am 23, the cameraman was 27, and “the girl” was 29.*
“I’m a wee 21-years-old. I have my whole life to live, but you guys already have one foot in the grave. So please, do me a solid and give me that mask. I can’t take It following me any longer. I just threw up my last can of beans,” he said as he gestured to the vomit as if we didn’t smell his nasty ass refried upchuck.
Our crew politely denied his request and told him, “Sorry, Charlie. You should have always been wearing a mask in a public place.”
Of course, Parkins started chasing us, but we ran in the direction where “It” was apparently coming from so he gave up quickly.
We hope that Parkins learned his lesson. Entities, especially those pesky pandemic fellows, are not to be fucked with. So you better wear you’re goddamn mask next time, champ.
LTD Tripped Out Motivational Posters
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
LTD Happy New Year Baby!
In keeping with the tradition of celebrating the first New Year Baby, the firstborn of the year, we are excited to announce the birth of Baybee Draconia Werewoof. Draconia was birthed at precisely midnight January 1, 2023 during a demonic ritual. We are still uncertain whether or not her mother survived the event. But, like any demonspawn, Draconia is already well on her way to ruling the world with an iron-clawed fist.
New Year Baby Draconia opened her eyes immediately and ripped apart the fancy 2023 sash she was christened with upon her arrival. She was already walking, teething, and mauling her nursery mates about an hour after her birth. After setting off two minor explosions and a small fire, she is starting to show a propensity for the Dark Magicks. Her experiences are limited so her mind control and delusional tendencies are still fledgling, but are sure to really take off as she takes in more of the world.
New Year Baby Draconia is expected to start schooling this year within her cultist circle. As her skills and following develop, she will begin to pave the way for the Spawn of Satan, Harbinger of the Apocolypse, so Draconia is the New Year Baby to keep an eye on.
LTD: The Horrors of Jell-O
Jell-O is horrifying, and not just because of all that has been revealed about its longtime spokesperson Bill Cosby. In its dark past, it has called forth Eldritch horrors beyond human comprehension from the depths of the furthest points of the universe.
But Jell-O itself is harmless you say, besides which it is yummy. And it’s fun to make glowing Jell-O shots and zombie brains & other body parts with my silicone Halloween molds. Just think about all of The Joys of Jell-O, you assert. As both a horror fan and culinary inclusionist, I can tell you’re not convinced…
Now I’m not talking about the fruit salad Jell-O concoctions that have graced every Midwest potluck for nearly a century. No, I’m referring to the 1940s Jell-O terrors involving shredded vegetables, pureed hot dogs, fish, shrimp, and other substances that many of us dare not speak of today, for fear we may slowly lose our sanity by simply mentioning them.
Still don’t believe me? Well, let’s check out some of the most incriminating evidence, shall we?
What in all of Hell’s half acre are these monstrocities? They look like something straight out of Hades concessions? Why would anyone in their right mind do that to perfectly good seafood? And what’s with the hot dog cultists, or worse yet – pureed hot dogs? Remember – if the dog won’t eat it, maybe it actually isn’t food. And the cat is repelled as if she saw a ghost, then perhaps she really did…
To call forth a demigod or other deity of any sort, one does best to craft something in its image, and these culinary masterpieces did exactly that. Imagine all of the Lovecraftian horrors they sought to unleash upon the unsuspecting world. What Eldritch terrors are drawn to the smell and taste of aspic? We must do everything in our power to thwart this great evil.
In response, I have chosen to collect copper fish molds. These kitchen adornments’ sole function was to craft these horrific things, that is their nefarious purpose. No one makes fruit salad Jell-O in the shape of a dead salmon, now do they? Of course not! Give it some thought, and join me in being a part of the solution.
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