LTD: Man Claims, “It Follows” Him Since He Went Shopping Without A Mask
LAS VEGAS, NV. The air was dry, but Steve Parkin’s pits were anything but. The Las Vegas native was seen running down The Strip, screaming his greasy head off at nothing in particular.
LAS VEGAS, NV. The air was dry, but Steve Parkin’s pits were anything but. The Las Vegas native was seen running down The Strip, screaming his greasy head off at nothing in particular. Our crew followed him to the Fountains of the Bellagio, where he dove in to hide from… well at first we weren’t sure what. The Strip was dead quiet aside from Parkin’s obnoxious shrieking.
When we caught up to Parkins to question his odd behavior, he was leaving the fountains and gearing up to start running again. We asked him for a few minutes of his time, but he said he could only do that if we ran with him. Naturally, our nosey selves agreed. In between huffs and puffs, Parkins explained that he had been followed by a slow moving entity ever since he went grocery shopping without a mask on.
“It just started following me. I tried to yell at the thing, but it’s mute and completely expressionless. Plus it constantly changes. One day it’s a seventy-year-old woman in a hospital gown, the next it’s a freakishly tall goth kid with black holes for eyes. But no matter what It is… It tries to get me,” Parkins explained.
Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash
He bent over and threw up on the cigarette littered sidewalk. Vegas has never smelled better. Then Parkins looked me dead in the eye and said, “I need a mask right now.”
After he said this, we stepped back a foot. Our entire crew is full of intelligent, conscientious human beings so we were wearing face masks. Parkins had this menacing look in his eye and it wasn’t just because he threw up so violently that he popped a blood vessel in his eye. No, no. This was a desperate man.
“You know, ever since this happened to me earlier this week, I wondered. What if I get someone else to not wear a mask? Maybe then It wouldn’t want me. I could rip a mask off of anyone’s law-abiding face, and put it on my own. Then hopefully, It will go after them instead of me,” Parkins said.
Photo by Peter Forster on Unsplash
Our crew backed away further, but Parkins was closing the gap.
“You guys are old right? You’re like 35, he’s probably 30, and that girl is late forties?” Parkins said with his fists clenched.
*It’s important to note that Parkins was way off. I am 23, the cameraman was 27, and “the girl” was 29.*
“I’m a wee 21-years-old. I have my whole life to live, but you guys already have one foot in the grave. So please, do me a solid and give me that mask. I can’t take It following me any longer. I just threw up my last can of beans,” he said as he gestured to the vomit as if we didn’t smell his nasty ass refried upchuck.
Our crew politely denied his request and told him, “Sorry, Charlie. You should have always been wearing a mask in a public place.”
Of course, Parkins started chasing us, but we ran in the direction where “It” was apparently coming from so he gave up quickly.
We hope that Parkins learned his lesson. Entities, especially those pesky pandemic fellows, are not to be fucked with. So you better wear you’re goddamn mask next time, champ.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
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If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
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