BOLIVAR PENINSULA, TX. This past weekend, thousands gathered for Texas’ “Go Topless” Jeep beach event. To the attendees’ horror, this fun and “much needed” break from the COVID-19 pandemic ended in the unexpected. Now, Texas is floating across the Gulf of Mexico because the entire state has been cursed. Nobody saw this coming.
The event, which is usually contained to a modest 70 arrests, reached a new level of chaos this year. To kick off the weekend, partygoers rode around the beach in their Jeeps with the tops down, as the name would suggest. Unless you thought… wow. Somebody has been lonely in quarantine.
And we were talking about rednecks. These folks, who could not care less about over 80,000 people dying, drove in the sand with caution to the wind. They thought everything was as sweet as a Georgia peach when suddenly, the ground started shaking. In a matter of five minutes, Texas had detached from the rest of the United States and drifted into the Gulf of Mexico.
But how did this happen? What unseen forces did such a thing? Billy Cesar, who is trapped on Texas island and communicating with us via message in a bottle, said this,
“It was a goddamn curse! A creepy lookin’ fuck was flying above the beach, shouting in Latin or some non-American shit and then BAM! Everything started shaking.”
Another message in a bottle from survivor Sally Cesar, Billy’s cousin and girlfriend, said this,
“Okay so I think I believe in karma now because none of us were wearing masks on the beach, or staying 6 feet apart, and then THIS happened. I’m so sorry. I get it was selfish and ignorant now. Can you guys just gorilla glue Texas back into the United States or something? ”
If and when Sally receives our response in a bottle, it’s going to be hard for her to understand that you can’t gorilla glue land back together. We considered mentioning how we have no idea how to lift the curse, but we thought she could only take one hit at a time.
Based on the drop of blood, scent of raspberry vodka, and horrible penmanship on Sally’s letter, it’s fair to say Texans aren’t doing so good. Unfortunately, the only thing the rest of us can do is pray for them.