Godzilla, a generally private figure, recently approached Haunted MTL to share some concerns about urban sprawl and how it affects him and his colleagues.

“First of all, I am concerned about the potential for serious damage to my kaiju-brethren. ‘Kaiju’ right? Still getting used to that word.” Godzilla referred to a slideshow that documented various incidents of injury. One particularly gruesome image depicted frequent Godzilla-compatriot Anguirus with several electrical burns from an incident where he was thrown into a series of power cables south of Los Angeles. “Have you heard the guy since this happened? Sometimes he just seems to be afloat somewhere else, you know?”

“Ankylo-What? No, I’ve never heard of that. That’s Anguirus. There used to be a smaller version? I thought he had a couple kids, let me see.”

The King of the Monsters expressed particular concerns about the optics of repeated destruction of specific businesses.

“Look, it’s not like I hate Dick’s Sporting Goods. They have some great prices. It’s that I can’t walk twelve steps without stepping on one because these city limits are now just suggestions rather than actual things we all agree to as a society. Have you ever stepped on thirteen hundred golf clubs at once? That’s why Barugon walks on all fours now! Those aren’t the long hind legs of a quadruped. That’s serious heel damage. He looks like a damn man in a suit walking around now!”

“I’m still picking lawn darts out of my feet. How many sporting goods chain stores does a single city need!”

Despite his concerns about the optics, at this point in the interview, Godzilla asked for a moment to calm down before proceeding, seemingly infuriated at any further discussion regarding Dick’s Sporting Goods.

“With the amount I have destroyed on just one rampage in the state of California it makes it look like I have a particular problem with that one business. I am just not that sort of monster.”

As King of the Monsters, Godzilla does hold a certain level of power, atomic as well as diplomatic, and has gone to great lengths to ensure that Monster Island remains free of unchecked expansion. “We don’t even have cities. What’s the point? Just don’t build anything and nothing will get knocked over. It’s pretty simple. No buildings means no pollution, no pollution means no Hedorah. What’s not to love?”

“Here’s a picture of us goofin’ off. He’s a nice guy, but he takes it too far sometimes.”

“I’m not asking for a crosswalk, or a designated kaiju lane. That’s unreasonable. But, if you folks don’t want the entire city leveled, maybe you could just spread everything out a little more? I’ve never fought Ghidorah… Sorry, ‘King’ Ghidorah, anywhere near Kansas.” He explained while both rolling his eyes and gesturing. “Why not just move Los Angeles that direction? Or you could just pick the city up and put it in Russia, there’s probably a ton of real estate there.”

Unfortunately, our time with Godzilla was limited. But stay tuned for more horror news and updates from us here at Haunted MTL!