LTD: Woman Thinks A Zombie Apocalypse Is Upon Us. It’s Just A Pandemic, Karen.
AURORA, IL– It was May 1st, and Karen Kowalski couldn’t believe her eyes. People in her neighborhood were walking outside, like dozens and dozens of human beings were enjoying Mother Nature. Karen’s jaw was still on the ground when we went to interview her.
“I thought, this couldn’t be. Something was fishy, and it wasn’t just my lonely, self-isolated private parts. My neighborhood is always dead AF. Like the rest of the Midwest, this area is geographically and aesthetically a letdown. For as long as I’ve lived here, people have given up on making this a livable and pleasant environment. Like no joke, when people walk their dogs they don’t even care to pick up the shit so there’s mounds upon mounds of poop poo,” Karen said.
Our crew can confirm that this is no exaggeration. On the walk to Karen’s apartment for the interview, excrement obliterated all of our shoes. Karen had to hose us off before we could enter her house. We all got very close, very fast.
“Then I got to thinking. There could only be one explanation for the sudden increase in walkers… Everyone has become zombies,” Karen said with complete confidence.
It’s important to note that Karen had been working from home for the past month and a half, only seeing the outside world to get groceries every two weeks. She also lives in a basement apartment with a single-window for staring longingly out of/getting sunlight.
We can verify that Karen was aware of the COVID-19 pandemic, but she didn’t think this was enough justification for people to be outside in her neighborhood.
Karen said, “My mom suggested I go for a walk once the weather clears up. I was hesitant, but spring had sprung and I wanted to see my little birdie friends, Emmanuel and Zachariah. They’ve been serenading me outside my window every single morning. I’ve been telling myself they were sent from God to watch me and keep me safe.” This is when Karen lost us because she didn’t understand how spring works.
“I found out about the zombies this morning. I woke up and looked at my weather app. With clear skies and 60-degree weather, I figured today was the day. I would walk the walk. I got on my crusty tippy toes and peeked through my window to get the full vibe. That’s when I saw… them. Young people, geysers, uglies, and hotties- it made no difference who they were because everyone was walking. And they had this expression on their face. I guess you could call it joy? Either way, that was when it hit me. These bitches were no longer human. They were bloodthirsty zombies. But it’s cool cuz you guys are here,” Karen said.
She walked closer to the crew and sensually caressed our cameraman’s arm.
“How’s about you boys and girls take a little break from working hard. The zombies can wait. Let’s have an orgy. I only have a yeast infection, but if you wear your masks while we do it you won’t even notice,” Karen said and winked.
Our crew then ran out of the bunker apartment, leaving our shit-stained shoes behind, and running raw into the feces. Oh, and we didn’t tell Karen that people weren’t zombies, but literally just getting some fresh air to keep some semblance of sanity.
(Don’t worry, these people live together so it’s chill that they’re hugging.)
Good news to my nonbinary pals – we no longer exist!
“But Brannyk,” you may be thinking, “what am I supposed to do now that I am no longer a real being? How shall I spend my days?”
Unfortunately, the government has not released a handbook for this occasion, so I thought we could brainstorm together.
BECOME A GHOST
There are some benefits to being a ghost, for sure.
No rent or insurance payment. No corporate job, no cleaning cat litter, no AT&T trying to sell you another line after repeatedly telling them that you just want to make sure that your autopayment is on, but they’re all like, ‘Why would you pass up such a bargain on a second line? Are you an idiot? Why wouldn’t you need another phone line?‘ and so you have to tell them, “Because I’M DIVORCED, ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT!”
Ahem. I digress.
Yeah, you may not be able to venture out, much like Adam and Barbara in Beetlejuice. You may need to put up with someone else crashing your place and moving around all of your shit. Or Ryan Reynolds trying to sell you Mint Mobile. Or some toxic couple taking your creepy doll that you spent years on trying to possess.
Or, my absolute biggest pet peeve, when you’re practicing for the ghost speed chair-stacking championship and the normies just don’t appreciate your cool skills.
But the advantages are that you get to stay home, watch tv, stack your chairs and hope whoever buys your house/visits your creepy woods/gentrifies your neighborhood is a cool person, too.
(2 / 5)
It’s a good choice, but has a lot of drawbacks.
BECOME A CREATURE
Look, if you’re not going to exist, go big or go home, I’d say.
Monsters are cool. They play by their own rules. Sometimes they cause havoc. Sometimes they come around and help people. Sometimes they work alone. And other times, they have a lot of friends. Sometimes they just need some affirmation. And sometimes they’re…in high school, apparently?
The cool thing is that they come in all shapes and sizes.
Monsters are generally misunderstood. Some have their fans. Others are hated.
So basically, just like people, except with more tentacles.
The only downsides are that you might be too big or too “ick” for some people (these can also be pluses), you may have a taste for human flesh (no judgement), or the biggest issue – there are too many choices.
You could get stuck trying to figure out what kind of monster you are. If you’re not into labels, it’s an absolute nightmare. Or if you’re like me, it’ll be like standing in Subway for 15 minutes trying to figure out what toppings and dressings you want while the “sandwich artist” is openly judging you.
(4 / 5)
I like the customization, but it can be a bit too overwhelming.
BECOME A CRYPTID
Hear me out. I know it seems a lot like the monster category, but it’s not quite.
Cryptids are weird and mysterious. They keep to themselves. They have people who are fascinated by them and post on Reddit about them. Some have people making documentaries about them.
They’re like monsters’ quieter cousin who reads books in the corner at family gatherings. They collect shiny things they find by the side of the road. Sometimes they’ll steal a peanut butter sandwich or two.
Ever so often, they might scare a human just by existing or by politely asking for their stuff back.
Each one kinda has their own goals and priorities. Their own hangouts and interests. But unlike monsters, they’re not looking to rock any boats-
Never mind, I stand corrected.
(5 / 5)
I like the freedoms of being a cryptid and also dig the cottage-core vibe I get from them.
CONCLUSION: LET’S BE REAL FOR A SECOND…
I know it’s hard right now. It’s going to be hard. You may not exist to some assholes, but you are real. You have real feelings and thoughts and dreams. You have a real future. You have real decisions. Real actions that affect this world.
You have the real ability to wake up tomorrow and choose to exist. And for whatever reason you choose. Use it. Ghosts and monsters and cryptids are powerful, just like you are, even when you don’t feel like it. They have a place in our human world, just like you do. You make this world interesting and important.
You are part of this world, you are real, and you are not alone.
The horror community is one of acceptance, diversity, creativity and passion. In these times, it needs to be. We need to rely on each other. We need to cultivate and protect each other, as much as we need to protect ourselves.
And it looks like I’ll be coming out of my own cryptid hovel I’ve spent the past few years in to remind you that. My job isn’t done. Not by a longshot. And neither is yours.
You exist to me. Today, tomorrow, and forever.
Be safe out there, friends.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
