LTD: Woman Thinks A Zombie Apocalypse Is Upon Us. It’s Just A Pandemic, Karen.
AURORA, IL– It was May 1st, and Karen Kowalski couldn’t believe her eyes. People in her neighborhood were walking outside, like dozens and dozens of human beings were enjoying Mother Nature. Karen’s jaw was still on the ground when we went to interview her.
“I thought, this couldn’t be. Something was fishy, and it wasn’t just my lonely, self-isolated private parts. My neighborhood is always dead AF. Like the rest of the Midwest, this area is geographically and aesthetically a letdown. For as long as I’ve lived here, people have given up on making this a livable and pleasant environment. Like no joke, when people walk their dogs they don’t even care to pick up the shit so there’s mounds upon mounds of poop poo,” Karen said.
Our crew can confirm that this is no exaggeration. On the walk to Karen’s apartment for the interview, excrement obliterated all of our shoes. Karen had to hose us off before we could enter her house. We all got very close, very fast.
“Then I got to thinking. There could only be one explanation for the sudden increase in walkers… Everyone has become zombies,” Karen said with complete confidence.
It’s important to note that Karen had been working from home for the past month and a half, only seeing the outside world to get groceries every two weeks. She also lives in a basement apartment with a single-window for staring longingly out of/getting sunlight.
We can verify that Karen was aware of the COVID-19 pandemic, but she didn’t think this was enough justification for people to be outside in her neighborhood.
Karen said, “My mom suggested I go for a walk once the weather clears up. I was hesitant, but spring had sprung and I wanted to see my little birdie friends, Emmanuel and Zachariah. They’ve been serenading me outside my window every single morning. I’ve been telling myself they were sent from God to watch me and keep me safe.” This is when Karen lost us because she didn’t understand how spring works.
“I found out about the zombies this morning. I woke up and looked at my weather app. With clear skies and 60-degree weather, I figured today was the day. I would walk the walk. I got on my crusty tippy toes and peeked through my window to get the full vibe. That’s when I saw… them. Young people, geysers, uglies, and hotties- it made no difference who they were because everyone was walking. And they had this expression on their face. I guess you could call it joy? Either way, that was when it hit me. These bitches were no longer human. They were bloodthirsty zombies. But it’s cool cuz you guys are here,” Karen said.
She walked closer to the crew and sensually caressed our cameraman’s arm.
“How’s about you boys and girls take a little break from working hard. The zombies can wait. Let’s have an orgy. I only have a yeast infection, but if you wear your masks while we do it you won’t even notice,” Karen said and winked.
Our crew then ran out of the bunker apartment, leaving our shit-stained shoes behind, and running raw into the feces. Oh, and we didn’t tell Karen that people weren’t zombies, but literally just getting some fresh air to keep some semblance of sanity.
(Don’t worry, these people live together so it’s chill that they’re hugging.)
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
