LTD: After “Midnight Sun” Publication Was Announced, Robert Pattinson Finally Transformed Into a Vampire
FORKS, WA. This year’s May 4th wasn’t just a holy day for Star Wars fans. On Monday, “May The Fourth Be With You” Day, a little somebody named Stephenie Meyer smacked the world with news that she would be releasing a novel titled, “Midnight Sun” in August. Somewhere in Forks, Washington Jacob Black is howling like a big old baby. Jealousy never looked good on anybody, Jakey.
Now, if you have an ounce of cultural knowledge then you would know that rumored smelly actor Robert Pattinson portrayed Edward Cullen in the Twilight series. If you had two ounces of cultural knowledge, then you would know that RPatz was not a fan of his work in the vampire series even though it changed certain fan’s lives. I’m not speaking from personal experience whatsoever.
Upon learning of “Midnight Sun” and how it would be Twilight’s story from his character’s perspective, RPatz reportedly screamed, “IS THIS WHAT YOU A**HOLES WANT?” and then transformed into a vampire.
A close friend who was quarantined with Rob said, “It’s almost as if his rage and utter disgust fueled a vampire transformation. I was gobsmacked, mate. His skin straight up looked like cement. He started flying around the flat like a real spider monkey. The shock sent my crumpets flying all over the bloody place. This is my best bloke we’re talking about! Then suddenly, he wanted my tasty juice. Sad, innit?”
In a matter of twelve hours scientists have concluded that while this kind of human to vampire evolution was unlikely, anything was possible when it came to Robert Pattinson.
One scientist explained, “Blimey! The poor man was in a rubbish film series for years. He was becoming a serious actor with that new Batman movie coming out, but I think he became a little too method with his acting by actually becoming… a batman. You see, Robert had enough of the Twilight series so, in response to the announcement of “Midnight Sun,” he and his mortal body snapped. You can’t blame the bloke can ya? Understandable, innit?”
Many fans speculate that it was inevitable for RPatz to become a vampire, like Edward Cullen. Some say it was his destiny, and he was denying that part of himself for too long. The “Midnight Sun” announcement was merely God’s way of pushing the beautiful Brit in the right direction.
Rob’s close friend shared, “Yeah so he bit me and everyone else we’re with already. I wanted to give the general public a heads up. Ironically, Rob started a dodgy vampire army. Anyway, cheers mate! Hashtag Team Edward.”
It’s safe to say we’re all “knackered” thanks to Robby Rob. Thanks, you gorgeous immortal bitch.
LTD Tripped Out Motivational Posters
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
LTD Happy New Year Baby!
In keeping with the tradition of celebrating the first New Year Baby, the firstborn of the year, we are excited to announce the birth of Baybee Draconia Werewoof. Draconia was birthed at precisely midnight January 1, 2023 during a demonic ritual. We are still uncertain whether or not her mother survived the event. But, like any demonspawn, Draconia is already well on her way to ruling the world with an iron-clawed fist.
New Year Baby Draconia opened her eyes immediately and ripped apart the fancy 2023 sash she was christened with upon her arrival. She was already walking, teething, and mauling her nursery mates about an hour after her birth. After setting off two minor explosions and a small fire, she is starting to show a propensity for the Dark Magicks. Her experiences are limited so her mind control and delusional tendencies are still fledgling, but are sure to really take off as she takes in more of the world.
New Year Baby Draconia is expected to start schooling this year within her cultist circle. As her skills and following develop, she will begin to pave the way for the Spawn of Satan, Harbinger of the Apocolypse, so Draconia is the New Year Baby to keep an eye on.
LTD: The Horrors of Jell-O
Jell-O is horrifying, and not just because of all that has been revealed about its longtime spokesperson Bill Cosby. In its dark past, it has called forth Eldritch horrors beyond human comprehension from the depths of the furthest points of the universe.
But Jell-O itself is harmless you say, besides which it is yummy. And it’s fun to make glowing Jell-O shots and zombie brains & other body parts with my silicone Halloween molds. Just think about all of The Joys of Jell-O, you assert. As both a horror fan and culinary inclusionist, I can tell you’re not convinced…
Now I’m not talking about the fruit salad Jell-O concoctions that have graced every Midwest potluck for nearly a century. No, I’m referring to the 1940s Jell-O terrors involving shredded vegetables, pureed hot dogs, fish, shrimp, and other substances that many of us dare not speak of today, for fear we may slowly lose our sanity by simply mentioning them.
Still don’t believe me? Well, let’s check out some of the most incriminating evidence, shall we?
What in all of Hell’s half acre are these monstrocities? They look like something straight out of Hades concessions? Why would anyone in their right mind do that to perfectly good seafood? And what’s with the hot dog cultists, or worse yet – pureed hot dogs? Remember – if the dog won’t eat it, maybe it actually isn’t food. And the cat is repelled as if she saw a ghost, then perhaps she really did…
To call forth a demigod or other deity of any sort, one does best to craft something in its image, and these culinary masterpieces did exactly that. Imagine all of the Lovecraftian horrors they sought to unleash upon the unsuspecting world. What Eldritch terrors are drawn to the smell and taste of aspic? We must do everything in our power to thwart this great evil.
In response, I have chosen to collect copper fish molds. These kitchen adornments’ sole function was to craft these horrific things, that is their nefarious purpose. No one makes fruit salad Jell-O in the shape of a dead salmon, now do they? Of course not! Give it some thought, and join me in being a part of the solution.