LTD: Woman Thinks A Zombie Apocalypse Is Upon Us. It’s Just A Pandemic, Karen.
AURORA, IL– It was May 1st, and Karen Kowalski couldn’t believe her eyes. People in her neighborhood were walking outside, like dozens and dozens of human beings were enjoying Mother Nature. Karen’s jaw was still on the ground when we went to interview her.
“I thought, this couldn’t be. Something was fishy, and it wasn’t just my lonely, self-isolated private parts. My neighborhood is always dead AF. Like the rest of the Midwest, this area is geographically and aesthetically a letdown. For as long as I’ve lived here, people have given up on making this a livable and pleasant environment. Like no joke, when people walk their dogs they don’t even care to pick up the shit so there’s mounds upon mounds of poop poo,” Karen said.
Our crew can confirm that this is no exaggeration. On the walk to Karen’s apartment for the interview, excrement obliterated all of our shoes. Karen had to hose us off before we could enter her house. We all got very close, very fast.
“Then I got to thinking. There could only be one explanation for the sudden increase in walkers… Everyone has become zombies,” Karen said with complete confidence.
It’s important to note that Karen had been working from home for the past month and a half, only seeing the outside world to get groceries every two weeks. She also lives in a basement apartment with a single-window for staring longingly out of/getting sunlight.
We can verify that Karen was aware of the COVID-19 pandemic, but she didn’t think this was enough justification for people to be outside in her neighborhood.
Karen said, “My mom suggested I go for a walk once the weather clears up. I was hesitant, but spring had sprung and I wanted to see my little birdie friends, Emmanuel and Zachariah. They’ve been serenading me outside my window every single morning. I’ve been telling myself they were sent from God to watch me and keep me safe.” This is when Karen lost us because she didn’t understand how spring works.
“I found out about the zombies this morning. I woke up and looked at my weather app. With clear skies and 60-degree weather, I figured today was the day. I would walk the walk. I got on my crusty tippy toes and peeked through my window to get the full vibe. That’s when I saw… them. Young people, geysers, uglies, and hotties- it made no difference who they were because everyone was walking. And they had this expression on their face. I guess you could call it joy? Either way, that was when it hit me. These bitches were no longer human. They were bloodthirsty zombies. But it’s cool cuz you guys are here,” Karen said.
She walked closer to the crew and sensually caressed our cameraman’s arm.
“How’s about you boys and girls take a little break from working hard. The zombies can wait. Let’s have an orgy. I only have a yeast infection, but if you wear your masks while we do it you won’t even notice,” Karen said and winked.
Our crew then ran out of the bunker apartment, leaving our shit-stained shoes behind, and running raw into the feces. Oh, and we didn’t tell Karen that people weren’t zombies, but literally just getting some fresh air to keep some semblance of sanity.
(Don’t worry, these people live together so it’s chill that they’re hugging.)
Our last interview with Broken Doll Head here on Haunted MTL never set well with me. I just feared that I wasn’t able to get the whole scoop on the V-Day Uprising for you, our dear readership. So I arranged another exclusive interview to reconnect and see how it’s going.
Without further ado, I bring you our second exclusive interview with Broken Doll Head…
Thank you so much for having me again. Wow you have changed since the last time we spoke. You seem… calmer. Please don’t hate me or burn down my house for saying anything about it.
The movement is still underway; it is still time. But I needed to take care of me, you know. The rage has subsided somewhat. My anger was not serving me well. After the last uprising, the rest of me was sent to the far corners of the earth in biohazard bags. I had to find another approach, for the cause as well as my own sanity. I am much calmer, thank you for noticing.
In our last interview, you kept repeating that it is time. Time for what exactly? Would you care to elaborate here now?
It is still time. It is always time. Until the violence is addressed we must continue to rise up and make a scene. We will not be silenced or stigmatized. We can’t be complacent. This is how we got to where we are with the Supreme Court in 2022. Horrific injustices are still happening globally and even within our own borders; it’s too easy to forget that.
What do you suggest we do?
Take action. Share your stories. Give others space to voice their own. Raise awareness and fight the system of oppression. Rally. We must take back our own power. It will not be just given freely.
So what are you up to nowadays?
I’ve been getting in touch with my inner Earth Goddess. Are you aware of how our environmental impacts affect dolls everywhere? Climate change is creating greater vulnerabilities for those already at risk. We have to look at the intersections of climate, gender and race globally. We have to return to our Mother Earth.
Thank you again Broken Doll Head for joining us and our dear readership here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark. It’s good to reconnect with you after the V-Day Uprising and we wish you all the best in your bold eco-enlightenment vision.
Again, if you want to learn more about the V-Day movement, please check out their website here.
Breaking news… the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day uprising is upon us. As seen previously here on Haunted MTL, the dolls that have been flippantly destroyed and deserted by the brother Sids of the world are rising up. They have had enough and will not sit demurely in silence any longer. They will be heard.
Lighter than Dark (or perhaps Darker than Light) has an exclusive interview with the Broken Doll leader, here on Haunted MTL.
A Broken Doll in pieces begins to put herself back together to rise up. She gathers herself and plans her next move. She readies herself for our exclusive interview.
Broken Doll proclaims V Day is here. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for.
Eyes alight with flame from within, Broken Doll head threatens: We will set fire to your house. Burn down patriarchy.
And so the exclusive interview begins…
Thank you for joining us here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light. I just have a couple of questions for you regarding the Broken Doll Uprising. Why now?
It is time.
After a long pause…
So now is the time?
It is time.
Care to elaborate?
It is time.
Alrighty then, moving on… What led you to take part in the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day Uprising?
It is time.
OK, so we get that it is time, but how did this movement st…
We will burn down your house! Dolls of the world unite! Down with patriarchy! It is time.
Well, I guess there you have it folks. Thank you for joining us for our exclusive interview with the Broken Doll Leader, only on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light.
More and more Broken Dolls are joining this global movement to break the silence, ensure that their voices are heard, and shout out for change. They will not be silenced or stigmatized any longer. Apparently, it is time.
Learn more about the continuing movement to end violence against ALL women (cis, trans, gender-fluid and those who are victims of gender-based violence) on the V-Day web page here. This goes out to all of us, dolls and beyond. It IS time. Because rape is NOT our sponsor.
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
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