AURORA, IL– It was May 1st, and Karen Kowalski couldn’t believe her eyes. People in her neighborhood were walking outside, like dozens and dozens of human beings were enjoying Mother Nature. Karen’s jaw was still on the ground when we went to interview her.
“I thought, this couldn’t be. Something was fishy, and it wasn’t just my lonely, self-isolated private parts. My neighborhood is always dead AF. Like the rest of the Midwest, this area is geographically and aesthetically a letdown. For as long as I’ve lived here, people have given up on making this a livable and pleasant environment. Like no joke, when people walk their dogs they don’t even care to pick up the shit so there’s mounds upon mounds of poop poo,” Karen said.
Our crew can confirm that this is no exaggeration. On the walk to Karen’s apartment for the interview, excrement obliterated all of our shoes. Karen had to hose us off before we could enter her house. We all got very close, very fast.
“Then I got to thinking. There could only be one explanation for the sudden increase in walkers… Everyone has become zombies,” Karen said with complete confidence.
It’s important to note that Karen had been working from home for the past month and a half, only seeing the outside world to get groceries every two weeks. She also lives in a basement apartment with a single-window for staring longingly out of/getting sunlight.
We can verify that Karen was aware of the COVID-19 pandemic, but she didn’t think this was enough justification for people to be outside in her neighborhood.
Karen said, “My mom suggested I go for a walk once the weather clears up. I was hesitant, but spring had sprung and I wanted to see my little birdie friends, Emmanuel and Zachariah. They’ve been serenading me outside my window every single morning. I’ve been telling myself they were sent from God to watch me and keep me safe.” This is when Karen lost us because she didn’t understand how spring works.
“I found out about the zombies this morning. I woke up and looked at my weather app. With clear skies and 60-degree weather, I figured today was the day. I would walk the walk. I got on my crusty tippy toes and peeked through my window to get the full vibe. That’s when I saw… them. Young people, geysers, uglies, and hotties- it made no difference who they were because everyone was walking. And they had this expression on their face. I guess you could call it joy? Either way, that was when it hit me. These bitches were no longer human. They were bloodthirsty zombies. But it’s cool cuz you guys are here,” Karen said.
She walked closer to the crew and sensually caressed our cameraman’s arm.
“How’s about you boys and girls take a little break from working hard. The zombies can wait. Let’s have an orgy. I only have a yeast infection, but if you wear your masks while we do it you won’t even notice,” Karen said and winked.
Our crew then ran out of the bunker apartment, leaving our shit-stained shoes behind, and running raw into the feces. Oh, and we didn’t tell Karen that people weren’t zombies, but literally just getting some fresh air to keep some semblance of sanity.