LTD: Paltrow’s Goop Vagina Candle team hooks up with ex-hubby Chris Martin to launch ‘inspired’ scented candles
Who knew that Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina would be so lucrative? Fresh from the success of the mistress of goop and the global sellout of her vagina scented candle (do I sense a hint of cardamom?), comes a brand new launch with none other than ex-hubby Chris Martin!
Martin, most noted for being pegged by Paltrow for his musical genius, reached down and deep with Goop’s creative team to form what can only be described as a conscious re-coupling and then re-docking with the scent lab’s biofilm batch vats. The results were nothing short of stunning.
‘We knew from that instant we had another classic on our hands’
Described by the Goop scentologist, as ‘an instant classic, even better than Something Just Like This’, Martin’s candle took a few batches to perfect, but ultimately the rocker gave a hearty thumbs up once the scentologists added the fully organic ingredient. The eureka moment came when Martin walked into the room with Paltrow.
‘We knew we were on the right track of something–we tried to reproduce the same lightning in a bottle like Gwyneth’s candle–and much by accident, one of our anti-aging specialists dropped an ounce of the all organic baby deer urine that they use in the Goldie Fawn Facial peels. It was at that moment Martin and Paltrow walked in to check our progress. She said, “Wow, this smells familiar… I just can’t put my finger on it. It’s on the tip of my tongue…” Then, almost in unison, the pair shouted, “Oh my God! That smells just like deez nuts!” We knew from that instant we had another classic on our hands.’Goop Scentologist, Willowbark Moongoddess III
The new fragrance called ‘Deez Nuts’ is being sold as a candle and facial cream set that is stated to have ‘rejuvenatory powers that’s perfect for that special someone for Valentine’s Day. Much like brill cream,’ the scentologist continued, ‘a little dab will do ya’.
If the vag candle is any indication, Deez Nuts will be just as popular and fly off the shelves. So get yours soon! Your wife and mother will both agree that Deez Nuts make the perfect gift for Valentine’s or Mother’s Day. Order today and they’ll stuff Deez Nuts in a fully organic heart shaped box.
Our last interview with Broken Doll Head here on Haunted MTL never set well with me. I just feared that I wasn’t able to get the whole scoop on the V-Day Uprising for you, our dear readership. So I arranged another exclusive interview to reconnect and see how it’s going.
Without further ado, I bring you our second exclusive interview with Broken Doll Head…
Thank you so much for having me again. Wow you have changed since the last time we spoke. You seem… calmer. Please don’t hate me or burn down my house for saying anything about it.
The movement is still underway; it is still time. But I needed to take care of me, you know. The rage has subsided somewhat. My anger was not serving me well. After the last uprising, the rest of me was sent to the far corners of the earth in biohazard bags. I had to find another approach, for the cause as well as my own sanity. I am much calmer, thank you for noticing.
In our last interview, you kept repeating that it is time. Time for what exactly? Would you care to elaborate here now?
It is still time. It is always time. Until the violence is addressed we must continue to rise up and make a scene. We will not be silenced or stigmatized. We can’t be complacent. This is how we got to where we are with the Supreme Court in 2022. Horrific injustices are still happening globally and even within our own borders; it’s too easy to forget that.
What do you suggest we do?
Take action. Share your stories. Give others space to voice their own. Raise awareness and fight the system of oppression. Rally. We must take back our own power. It will not be just given freely.
So what are you up to nowadays?
I’ve been getting in touch with my inner Earth Goddess. Are you aware of how our environmental impacts affect dolls everywhere? Climate change is creating greater vulnerabilities for those already at risk. We have to look at the intersections of climate, gender and race globally. We have to return to our Mother Earth.
Thank you again Broken Doll Head for joining us and our dear readership here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark. It’s good to reconnect with you after the V-Day Uprising and we wish you all the best in your bold eco-enlightenment vision.
Again, if you want to learn more about the V-Day movement, please check out their website here.
Breaking news… the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day uprising is upon us. As seen previously here on Haunted MTL, the dolls that have been flippantly destroyed and deserted by the brother Sids of the world are rising up. They have had enough and will not sit demurely in silence any longer. They will be heard.
Lighter than Dark (or perhaps Darker than Light) has an exclusive interview with the Broken Doll leader, here on Haunted MTL.
A Broken Doll in pieces begins to put herself back together to rise up. She gathers herself and plans her next move. She readies herself for our exclusive interview.
Broken Doll proclaims V Day is here. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for.
Eyes alight with flame from within, Broken Doll head threatens: We will set fire to your house. Burn down patriarchy.
And so the exclusive interview begins…
Thank you for joining us here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light. I just have a couple of questions for you regarding the Broken Doll Uprising. Why now?
It is time.
After a long pause…
So now is the time?
It is time.
Care to elaborate?
It is time.
Alrighty then, moving on… What led you to take part in the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day Uprising?
It is time.
OK, so we get that it is time, but how did this movement st…
We will burn down your house! Dolls of the world unite! Down with patriarchy! It is time.
Well, I guess there you have it folks. Thank you for joining us for our exclusive interview with the Broken Doll Leader, only on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light.
More and more Broken Dolls are joining this global movement to break the silence, ensure that their voices are heard, and shout out for change. They will not be silenced or stigmatized any longer. Apparently, it is time.
Learn more about the continuing movement to end violence against ALL women (cis, trans, gender-fluid and those who are victims of gender-based violence) on the V-Day web page here. This goes out to all of us, dolls and beyond. It IS time. Because rape is NOT our sponsor.
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
