LTD: Paltrow’s Goop Vagina Candle team hooks up with ex-hubby Chris Martin to launch ‘inspired’ scented candles
Who knew that Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina would be so lucrative? Fresh from the success of the mistress of goop and the global sellout of her vagina scented candle (do I sense a hint of cardamom?), comes a brand new launch with none other than ex-hubby Chris Martin!
Martin, most noted for being pegged by Paltrow for his musical genius, reached down and deep with Goop’s creative team to form what can only be described as a conscious re-coupling and then re-docking with the scent lab’s biofilm batch vats. The results were nothing short of stunning.
‘We knew from that instant we had another classic on our hands’
Described by the Goop scentologist, as ‘an instant classic, even better than Something Just Like This’, Martin’s candle took a few batches to perfect, but ultimately the rocker gave a hearty thumbs up once the scentologists added the fully organic ingredient. The eureka moment came when Martin walked into the room with Paltrow.
‘We knew we were on the right track of something–we tried to reproduce the same lightning in a bottle like Gwyneth’s candle–and much by accident, one of our anti-aging specialists dropped an ounce of the all organic baby deer urine that they use in the Goldie Fawn Facial peels. It was at that moment Martin and Paltrow walked in to check our progress. She said, “Wow, this smells familiar… I just can’t put my finger on it. It’s on the tip of my tongue…” Then, almost in unison, the pair shouted, “Oh my God! That smells just like deez nuts!” We knew from that instant we had another classic on our hands.’
Goop Scentologist, Willowbark Moongoddess III
The new fragrance called ‘Deez Nuts’ is being sold as a candle and facial cream set that is stated to have ‘rejuvenatory powers that’s perfect for that special someone for Valentine’s Day. Much like brill cream,’ the scentologist continued, ‘a little dab will do ya’.
If the vag candle is any indication, Deez Nuts will be just as popular and fly off the shelves. So get yours soon! Your wife and mother will both agree that Deez Nuts make the perfect gift for Valentine’s or Mother’s Day. Order today and they’ll stuff Deez Nuts in a fully organic heart shaped box.
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
In keeping with the tradition of celebrating the first New Year Baby, the firstborn of the year, we are excited to announce the birth of Baybee Draconia Werewoof. Draconia was birthed at precisely midnight January 1, 2023 during a demonic ritual. We are still uncertain whether or not her mother survived the event. But, like any demonspawn, Draconia is already well on her way to ruling the world with an iron-clawed fist.
New Year Baby Draconia opened her eyes immediately and ripped apart the fancy 2023 sash she was christened with upon her arrival. She was already walking, teething, and mauling her nursery mates about an hour after her birth. After setting off two minor explosions and a small fire, she is starting to show a propensity for the Dark Magicks. Her experiences are limited so her mind control and delusional tendencies are still fledgling, but are sure to really take off as she takes in more of the world.
New Year Baby Draconia is expected to start schooling this year within her cultist circle. As her skills and following develop, she will begin to pave the way for the Spawn of Satan, Harbinger of the Apocolypse, so Draconia is the New Year Baby to keep an eye on.
Jell-O is horrifying, and not just because of all that has been revealed about its longtime spokesperson Bill Cosby. In its dark past, it has called forth Eldritch horrors beyond human comprehension from the depths of the furthest points of the universe.
But Jell-O itself is harmless you say, besides which it is yummy. And it’s fun to make glowing Jell-O shots and zombie brains & other body parts with my silicone Halloween molds. Just think about all of The Joys of Jell-O, you assert. As both a horror fan and culinary inclusionist, I can tell you’re not convinced…
Now I’m not talking about the fruit salad Jell-O concoctions that have graced every Midwest potluck for nearly a century. No, I’m referring to the 1940s Jell-O terrors involving shredded vegetables, pureed hot dogs, fish, shrimp, and other substances that many of us dare not speak of today, for fear we may slowly lose our sanity by simply mentioning them.
Still don’t believe me? Well, let’s check out some of the most incriminating evidence, shall we?
What in all of Hell’s half acre are these monstrocities? They look like something straight out of Hades concessions? Why would anyone in their right mind do that to perfectly good seafood? And what’s with the hot dog cultists, or worse yet – pureed hot dogs? Remember – if the dog won’t eat it, maybe it actually isn’t food. And the cat is repelled as if she saw a ghost, then perhaps she really did…
To call forth a demigod or other deity of any sort, one does best to craft something in its image, and these culinary masterpieces did exactly that. Imagine all of the Lovecraftian horrors they sought to unleash upon the unsuspecting world. What Eldritch terrors are drawn to the smell and taste of aspic? We must do everything in our power to thwart this great evil.
In response, I have chosen to collect copper fish molds. These kitchen adornments’ sole function was to craft these horrific things, that is their nefarious purpose. No one makes fruit salad Jell-O in the shape of a dead salmon, now do they? Of course not! Give it some thought, and join me in being a part of the solution.
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