PORTLAND, OR. Jim from The Office warned us with the film, A Quiet Place, and yet the vegans would not listen. Like all alien encounters, it started with mass hysteria. People were disappearing fast, but not just any people. Hippie folk who preferred kale to beef were dropping like flies. That’s right, the aliens were only murdering vegans. At first no meat-eater understood why. 

Vegans are known to have lots of movement down under due to their fibrous diets. The aliens, who had hypersensitive hearing abilities, were on top of a vegan the second their stomach churned from the bean burrito they ate for dinner. 

Owner of The Butchery on Main, known as “Meaty Mike” for a few reasons, said, “Those ethical freaks would protest my store every single Saturday until the aliens came down. After that, they were M.I.A. I started to think it was because their fragile little bones couldn’t outrun the aliens, but then it dawned on me. They farted so much that they attracted the aliens by the loud sound waves their butt cheeks produced.”

Reenactment of a Portland Vegan Holding in a Fart

“You see, when you eat a diet high in meat and cheese like me, you’re constipated as hell, your doctor puts you on countless pills, and your body forgets the sensation of releasing hot wind from your a-hole. And despite all of those disadvantages, we won,” Meaty Mike explained. 

Local man, Meaty Mike, sheds some light on this tragedy

“The aliens did not want us because they could not hear us. We consumed our beef jerky in silence, while the herbivores noisily chewed on carrots and sharted until the sun came up. It was almost too easy for the aliens to find them,” Meaty Mike said. 

Portland, a very eco-conscious and bizarre city, has a high rate of plant-based eaters. When the aliens came down for a snack, they were in the perfect spot to find people by sound alone. It was a perfect storm that left thousands dead. Once the aliens had their fill of vegan human meat, they went back into their little rocket ship and continued on their way. They didn’t want world domination, just a snack on a road trip.

“Think of it like stopping at a gas station for corn nuts during a seven-hour drive. It has to be done to get you through the trip. That’s precisely what the aliens were doing with that radical left-wing meat,” Meaty Mike said. 

“You know, I kind of miss the little rascals. They were annoying, but they were standing up for what they believed in and that’s pretty cool. Do I think they deserved to die? Some of them yes, specifically Radish who would threaten my family, but there were some sweeties like Cilantro, Baby Bok Choy, and Purple Potato. Oh, Purple Potato he was something special. He would mouth, ‘I’m sorry’ to me before screaming, ‘Meat is Murder!’ in my face,” Meaty Mike explained before tearing up. 

Portland folks remain heartbroken, yet strong

“God damn it. Screw those aliens, man. Why couldn’t they have eaten some goddamn ham and steak like the rest of us? The vegans just wanted to help the planet and save a few cows from death. It’s not a life I would choose to live, obviously, but Jesus they did not deserve a death sentence for their poor food choices,” Meaty Mike said before walking away while sobbing. 

While Portland may never rebuild their vegan population to the status it was pre-Alien encounter, we can all learn something from this experience. Maybe we should eat some beans once in a while. Unless the aliens come back, there’s no harm in a regular farting and shitting routine.