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PORTLAND, OR. Jim from The Office warned us with the film, A Quiet Place, and yet the vegans would not listen. Like all alien encounters, it started with mass hysteria. People were disappearing fast, but not just any people. Hippie folk who preferred kale to beef were dropping like flies. That’s right, the aliens were only murdering vegans. At first no meat-eater understood why. 

Vegans are known to have lots of movement down under due to their fibrous diets. The aliens, who had hypersensitive hearing abilities, were on top of a vegan the second their stomach churned from the bean burrito they ate for dinner. 

Owner of The Butchery on Main, known as “Meaty Mike” for a few reasons, said, “Those ethical freaks would protest my store every single Saturday until the aliens came down. After that, they were M.I.A. I started to think it was because their fragile little bones couldn’t outrun the aliens, but then it dawned on me. They farted so much that they attracted the aliens by the loud sound waves their butt cheeks produced.”

Reenactment of a Portland Vegan Holding in a Fart

“You see, when you eat a diet high in meat and cheese like me, you’re constipated as hell, your doctor puts you on countless pills, and your body forgets the sensation of releasing hot wind from your a-hole. And despite all of those disadvantages, we won,” Meaty Mike explained. 

Local man, Meaty Mike, sheds some light on this tragedy

“The aliens did not want us because they could not hear us. We consumed our beef jerky in silence, while the herbivores noisily chewed on carrots and sharted until the sun came up. It was almost too easy for the aliens to find them,” Meaty Mike said. 

Portland, a very eco-conscious and bizarre city, has a high rate of plant-based eaters. When the aliens came down for a snack, they were in the perfect spot to find people by sound alone. It was a perfect storm that left thousands dead. Once the aliens had their fill of vegan human meat, they went back into their little rocket ship and continued on their way. They didn’t want world domination, just a snack on a road trip.

“Think of it like stopping at a gas station for corn nuts during a seven-hour drive. It has to be done to get you through the trip. That’s precisely what the aliens were doing with that radical left-wing meat,” Meaty Mike said. 

“You know, I kind of miss the little rascals. They were annoying, but they were standing up for what they believed in and that’s pretty cool. Do I think they deserved to die? Some of them yes, specifically Radish who would threaten my family, but there were some sweeties like Cilantro, Baby Bok Choy, and Purple Potato. Oh, Purple Potato he was something special. He would mouth, ‘I’m sorry’ to me before screaming, ‘Meat is Murder!’ in my face,” Meaty Mike explained before tearing up. 

Portland folks remain heartbroken, yet strong

“God damn it. Screw those aliens, man. Why couldn’t they have eaten some goddamn ham and steak like the rest of us? The vegans just wanted to help the planet and save a few cows from death. It’s not a life I would choose to live, obviously, but Jesus they did not deserve a death sentence for their poor food choices,” Meaty Mike said before walking away while sobbing. 

While Portland may never rebuild their vegan population to the status it was pre-Alien encounter, we can all learn something from this experience. Maybe we should eat some beans once in a while. Unless the aliens come back, there’s no harm in a regular farting and shitting routine. 

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2 Comments

2 Comments

  1. John Combo

    March 3, 2020 at 1:40 am

    This was golden! Awesome job!

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Lighter than Dark

LTD Happy New Year Baby!

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In keeping with the tradition of celebrating the first New Year Baby, the firstborn of the year, we are excited to announce the birth of Baybee Draconia Werewoof. Draconia was birthed at precisely midnight January 1, 2023 during a demonic ritual. We are still uncertain whether or not her mother survived the event. But, like any demonspawn, Draconia is already well on her way to ruling the world with an iron-clawed fist.

Baybee Draconia Feywild Werewoof in her celebratory faerie frolicking unicorns in the woods ensemble
New Year Baby Baybee Draconia Werewoof in her celebratory faerie frolicking unicorns in the woods ensemble

New Year Baby Draconia opened her eyes immediately and ripped apart the fancy 2023 sash she was christened with upon her arrival. She was already walking, teething, and mauling her nursery mates about an hour after her birth. After setting off two minor explosions and a small fire, she is starting to show a propensity for the Dark Magicks. Her experiences are limited so her mind control and delusional tendencies are still fledgling, but are sure to really take off as she takes in more of the world.

New Year Baby Baybee Draconia Feywild Werewoof beginning to show telepahtic connectivity
New Year Baby Baybee Draconia Werewoof beginning to show telepathic connectivity

New Year Baby Draconia is expected to start schooling this year within her cultist circle. As her skills and following develop, she will begin to pave the way for the Spawn of Satan, Harbinger of the Apocolypse, so Draconia is the New Year Baby to keep an eye on.

New Year Baby Baybee Draconia Feywild Werewoof readying to pounce and rip the photographer’s face off
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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Lighter than Dark

LTD: The Horrors of Jell-O

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Jell-O is horrifying, and not just because of all that has been revealed about its longtime spokesperson Bill Cosby. In its dark past, it has called forth Eldritch horrors beyond human comprehension from the depths of the furthest points of the universe.

But Jell-O itself is harmless you say, besides which it is yummy. And it’s fun to make glowing Jell-O shots and zombie brains & other body parts with my silicone Halloween molds. Just think about all of The Joys of Jell-O, you assert. As both a horror fan and culinary inclusionist, I can tell you’re not convinced…

Some seemingly safe Jell-O variants involving fruit, though the pie crust and pink fruit basket mold simply must come into question from a culinary appeal standpoint.
Some seemingly safe Jell-O variants involving fruit, though the pie crust and pink fruit basket mold simply must come into question from a culinary appeal standpoint.

Now I’m not talking about the fruit salad Jell-O concoctions that have graced every Midwest potluck for nearly a century. No, I’m referring to the 1940s Jell-O terrors involving shredded vegetables, pureed hot dogs, fish, shrimp, and other substances that many of us dare not speak of today, for fear we may slowly lose our sanity by simply mentioning them.

Some more iffy Jell-O salads involving thinly sliced and pureed vegetables and other substances.

Still don’t believe me? Well, let’s check out some of the most incriminating evidence, shall we?

Some seafood and hot dog based Jell-O concoctions, designed to draw Cthulu & other dark Eldritch horrors to our world.
Some seafood and hot dog based Jell-O concoctions, designed to draw Cthulu & other dark Eldritch horrors to our world.

What in all of Hell’s half acre are these monstrocities? They look like something straight out of Hades concessions? Why would anyone in their right mind do that to perfectly good seafood? And what’s with the hot dog cultists, or worse yet – pureed hot dogs? Remember – if the dog won’t eat it, maybe it actually isn’t food. And the cat is repelled as if she saw a ghost, then perhaps she really did…

To call forth a demigod or other deity of any sort, one does best to craft something in its image, and these culinary masterpieces did exactly that. Imagine all of the Lovecraftian horrors they sought to unleash upon the unsuspecting world. What Eldritch terrors are drawn to the smell and taste of aspic? We must do everything in our power to thwart this great evil.

My copper fish mold collection, as shown hanging on my outside covered porch.
My copper fish mold collection, as shown hanging on my outside covered porch.

In response, I have chosen to collect copper fish molds. These kitchen adornments’ sole function was to craft these horrific things, that is their nefarious purpose. No one makes fruit salad Jell-O in the shape of a dead salmon, now do they? Of course not! Give it some thought, and join me in being a part of the solution.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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Lighter than Dark

LTD: UFOs Among Us

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When your convoy of UFOs is intergalactic freewheeling from star system to star system to check out the local scene and get jiggy with the cows, you have to know how to stash your ride. Here are two solid options.

UFOs disguised as an apartment complex, with its residents driving around in human cars and acting more or less normal
UFOs disguised as an apartment complex, with its residents driving around in human cars and acting more or less normal

Option 1.) Get enough of a feel for the local architecture to blend your UFOs in. That shiny metal can you’ve been riding around is is going to stick out like a sore tentacle in the middle of any corn field. Sometimes this is a good thing for recruiting cultists, but more often than not it attracts unwanted attention from those men-in-black local government agencies. So, maybe find someplace with lots of shiny buildings to park it, or camouflage it in some way using common local materials. I’ve included some images from a local apartment complex in rural United States so you get the idea.

Another view of the more inconspicuous UFOs disguised as apartments, note the large garage door disguising the airlock
Another view of the more inconspicuous UFOs disguised as apartments, note the large garage door disguising the airlock

2.) If you can’t blend in, make your ship a total destination unto itself, like the Space Needle in the United States or the Sydney Opera House in Australia or even the Pyramids of Giza in Egypt. We all know these iconic spacecraft that have been assimilated and celebrated in the local scene, and examples of this are countless when you know what you are looking for. Even Stonehenge of the United Kingdom has its history in this, though that craft departed a long time ago leaving only the framework upon which it sat. Because why not generate a little tourism revenue while you’re here? We’ve all been doing this for millennia, and it works…

More details of the UFOs apartments from the far side
More details of the UFOs apartments from the far side

The better option for you really comes down to why you’re here and whether you need to lay low. If you’re trying to hide from the Space Coppers pigs, always go with Option 1. If you have been sent by Starfleet to gather followers, it kind of depends on what sort of following you are supposed to be gathering. The more prestigious, the better off you will be with Option 2 but you may have to build up to it. Remember you can always start small and grow your influence; make it look like the locals had some impact in architectural development and the like.

And always remember to wash your hands, tentacles, probiscuses, and any other appendages after ANY interaction with the locals; no one takes kindly to space germs...
And always remember to wash your hands, tentacles, probiscuses, and any other appendages after ANY interaction with the locals; no one takes kindly to space germs…
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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