NORTH OLMSTED, OHIO – A local poltergeist expressed frustration today that its efforts to haunt an area residence have gone unrecognized. Poltergeists have a long-standing tradition of causing mischief and mayhem, and enjoy destroying possessions, making loud noises, and creating general disorder. However, due to the already chaotic atmosphere of this particular home, the residents haven’t even noticed the paranormal activity.
Adolescent girls are popular targets for poltergeists, due to the volatile energy that naturally surrounds them. This poltergeist selected 12-year-old Allison Becker. “I thought Allison would be a great choice, because she’s super moody and also her mom’s pretty grouchy, so I knew I could really get on their nerves,” it explained. “But it hasn’t worked out like I hoped.”
The poltergeist’s earliest efforts to annoy the Beckers started small, such as making rapping sounds and rolling items across the floor upstairs. This approach proved to be too subtle, as the family was accustomed to the high level of noise Allison’s younger brother typically creates in the house. “That kid is so freaking loud,” the poltergeist said of Zach Becker, 9, who is known for creating a racket. “Stomping around, yelling, dropping stuff all the time – I couldn’t compete with that.”
Unnoticed and unappreciated
The poltergeist then attempted to destroy Allison’s bedroom. However, the floor was already cluttered with used bath towels, empty soda cans, stuffed animals, gel pens, and other debris. “I tried to mess stuff up, but you couldn’t even tell,” it explained. “I scattered a whole bunch of scrunchies on the floor, but she didn’t care. She just picked one up and wore it,” the poltergeist said. “I knocked over her trash can, but she just left it like that.”
The poltergeist ultimately resorted to actual physical contact, including pinching and biting Allison. Still, the girl assumed the attacks were caused by her brother sneaking up on her. “She punched him, which was cool, I guess, but he still got the credit for my work,” the poltergeist said sadly.
After considering its options, the poltergeist has decided to leave the Becker residence to seek out an only child, possibly “one of those quiet Montessori kids.”