Have you ever wanted a movie from the 70’s where a woman gets home from work, strips down to lingerie to lounge on her couch, only to be killed and eaten by her cat?
Of course, you’re a regular human, just like the rest of us. Who doesn’t fantasize about that?
Well, kids, I found us that perfect movie in the salacious and groovy Arch Hall Sr. film, THE CORPSE GRINDERS.
The Plot of The Corpse Grinders:
Corruption! Capitalism! Murder! Fake-ass sign language! Cats! This movie has IT ALL.
To cut costs on production, The Lotus Cat Food Company decides they can find cheaper meat alternatives in the Soylent Greenvariety. Which, to be fair, is a step up from Taco Bell, amirite?
Advertisement
Partnering with a couple who owns a cemetery, they begin grinding up the mystery meat and sell it to unsuspecting consumers. But the consumers begin to be consumed themselves (that’s my best joke of the year, you’re welcome), a veterinarian begins to investigate the reason why our feline friends have turned feral.
Can this nefarious plot be found out in time by investigators? And by “investigators”, I mean, literally just this veterinarian and some nurse. Or will they too become victims in the feeding frenzy?
Thoughts on The Corpse Grinders:
This was only written by Arch Hall Sr. and not directed, but honestly, for being a low-budget comedy-horror, it cements him as a cult classic icon. Probably known most for Eegah, of MST3K infamy, he wrote and directed many camp movies during the 60’s and 70’s. Usually to showcase his son’s, er…talents.
But he legitimately had some fun ideas and execution, especially when someone else was in the director’s chair. THE CORPSE GRINDERS is fun and exciting schlock, a feast for the eyes in its limited cinematography, acting, and lighting.
And call this a hot take, but I think THE CORPSE GRINDERS would have made a better edition to MST3K than Eegah did because it works so incredibly well as campy horror. There’s a lot of honest humor in it, but metric tons of things to poke fun of and riff.
Brainroll Juice:
So, I have two brainrolls.
Advertisement
First, give me the rights. Gimme. Because this movie is RIPE for a reboot. Yes, that’s right. Not Pinhead, not Chucky, not gay icon Chucky – no! Corpse Grinders is a perfect example of something with enough cheese, enough spark, and enough of a story that still gels. With the right writers, director and cinematographer, this could really be a great reboot.
And I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – reboot movies like THIS. Old, beat-up movies with enough spit and polish to be fun and enjoyable. Something you could add to with more budget, technology and direction. Stop, please, stop making ‘I Spit on Your Grave’ part 24. It’s done, it’s old, lie those types to rest and focus on movies that kind of sucked but would be phenomenal after time has passed.
The second is, um…American Sign Language (?) in the film. Which, okay, I’m a million percent with having those with disabilities shown on screen. I love it. Gimme 2.0. But…But why this, specifically?
We have a side character who is Deaf, but…um…the ASL is, well…
In MY new Corpse Grinders, she’s going to have a much wider role and actually be a Deaf actress and not…whatever that was. Because you took a cool idea and made it incredibly offensive. So, six of one and half-dozen of the other.
Bottomline:
If you love campy fun movies about cats eating people and-…
Advertisement
Jellybeans?
Jellybeans, what are you doing?
Noooo!!! Jellybeansss!!!
Whyyy?!?! Ahhhh!!!!
helloo itsme branyl i wriet horro movis nd not a jellllllybens cAt. can i haz humnbrger?
(4 / 5)
When not ravaging through the wilds of Detroit with Jellybeans the Cat, J.M. Brannyk (a.k.a. Boxhuman) reviews mostly supernatural and slasher films from the 70's-90's and is dubiously HauntedMTL's Voice of Reason.
Aside from writing, Brannyk dips into the podcasts, and is the composer of many of HauntedMTL's podcast themes.
This is an awesome review. It just is. A reboot would be purrfect if that means you’ll revisit it for another review, especially if Jellybeans makes another guest appearance.
Episode eight of Goosebumps felt more like a season finale. Frequently when shows do this, it leads to a lackluster final episode in which it feels like everything has already been said, the monster is already vanquished, and we’re just tidying everything up. But hopefully, the creators remember the number one rule of a horror franchise. The monster is never really dead.
The story
We begin our story with everyone in hot water. Well, at least in a notebook that’s just been damaged by cold puddle water.
After a frankly hilarious battle between Biddle and Bratt for the body, Nathan manages to draw a door in the notebook for the teens to escape. Unfortunately, he is sucked back into the notebook.
Back in the real world, the kids head to Nora’s cabin to save her. But Biddle reaches her first. Possibly because a helpful sheriff tells him right where her cabin is.
Advertisement
ACAB.
Biddle finds Nora before she can hide Slappy somewhere in the deep woods. She takes off but is having a difficult time losing him. He does eventually take Slappy, leaving Nora in a dangerous position.
Luke and Margot manage to find her but lose Isaiah in the process. Isaiah has fallen down a cliff face and is clinging to it for dear life.
And this is where he is when Slappy and Biddle find him.
What worked
Advertisement
The first thing I have to mention is that this was a great episode for parent/child relations. I loved that Harold’s parents knew he wasn’t to blame. I loved that they’d been waiting for him all this time, so they could go into the afterlife together.
Luke and Nora had a good moment as well. Honestly, it appears that everyone had an honest discussion with their kids or parents at some point because of this.
I also really loved the musical choices in this episode. This has been a bit of an issue this season so far, but this was a great example. I especially enjoyed the instrumental version of Sweet Dreams played during high-conflict moments. Honestly, has there ever been a bad version of that song?
Overall, this was a satisfying episode. Nora was finally vindicated. Nathan finally has his body back, and Harold Biddle is free.
It makes me wonder what they’re going to do with the rest of the season. Or at least it would if the next episode wasn’t titled Night of The Living Dummy Two.
What didn’t work
Advertisement
One thing about this episode did irritate me, though. Once it’s established that Biddle and Nora are in the woods, everyone takes off after them. And for some reason, no one remembered that cell phones existed. We know the teens have their phones, that was made painfully clear in the car scene. Why did no one, not one soul, consider calling Nora instead of running around in the snow yelling for her? And when Isaiah vanished, why didn’t he call someone? Why didn’t they call him?
This would have been an easy fix. There’s a snowstorm. We could have just mentioned that someone tried to call and cell lines were down. Instead, every character seemed to have just forgotten that modern technology exists and we don’t have to run around shouting for people if they get lost in the forest with their phone.
All in all, though, this was a good episode. I’m not sure yet how I feel about there being two episodes left, I’ll admit. But I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens. This has been a good season so far. Let’s hope they stick the landing.
(4 / 5)
Advertisement
If you’re a fan of my work, please check out my latest story, Nova, on Paper Beats World. New chapters launch every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
This episode of Goosebumps is named after the Choose Your Own Adventure spinoff books. Also known as my favorite way to spend an afternoon as a kid.
I still have some of these. I can tell you what they smell like. They smell like childhood joy.
It was nice to be reminded of these wonderful times. It was even better that I was reminded in this wild ride of an episode.
The Story
We begin our tale with the revelation that Mr. Bratt is actually Harold Biddle. And to make sure these meddling kids don’t spoil his plan, he’s trapped them inside of his notebook. The notebook looks very much like the living room of the cabin.
Advertisement
There, the teens find the real Mr. Bratt. He’s been trapped in the notebook since Biddle took over his body. And he hasn’t made much headway in escaping.
Meanwhile, Nora is finally being released from the psych ward. And she is not thrilled with Victoria. Seeing as how Victoria has been drugging her, this is understandable.
But Nora is done being passive now. She heads right to her garage and packs Slappy up in a canvas sack. Why Slappy was in her garage, where her child hangs out, is beyond me. But here we are.
As she’s trying to leave, Colin finds her. He’s rightfully looking for some answers. But he’s not going to get it from her. She informs him that she has to handle something, and she cannot explain what’s going on. Then she drives off with Slappy.
Poor Colin, looking for some support, goes to see Isaiah’s dad, Ben. He lays out the whole situation, looking for support.
Advertisement
But Ben hears something else in Colin’s tale of woe. He hears that Slappy is free. And so he takes off, leaving Colin sitting in his living room alone with no answers.
Colin has got to be wondering why he’s still living in this town at this point.
Back in the notebook, Nathan and the teens realize that if Nathan is hurt, he goes back into his own body. This leads to a wonderfully funny scene of the kids taking turns punching him in the face.
Eventually, he gets partial control of his body. But Biddle is still there, and still ready to do battle. And when the notebook is tossed out the window and lands in a puddle, the kids find themselves in an even worse situation.
What worked
I want to start by praising a subtle detail that absolutely blew me away. Right before the teens realize they’re no longer in the real world, there’s a color shift. The whole picture becomes a bit browner. Again, it was subtle. But it was such a wonderful transition.
Advertisement
I also want to bring attention to Justin Long, again. His acting in this season has been so laugh-out-loud funny. In this episode, we saw him jumping back and forth between Nathan Bratt and Harold Biddle in the blink of an eye. Or, the time it took Isabella to punch him. The way he flops around, is clearly either not comfortable or not in control of his body. It’s a delight.
Finally, despite the number of grownups who are now involved, the kids are still clearly the heroes. They are the ones working together, sharing information, and trying to fix their situation before they die. They are not waiting for rescue, like Mr. Bratt. They are not ignoring the problem. They are not working with Slappy, as I suspect one of the parents might be. The kids, in this show, are alright. And they are certainly the good guys.
This season just gets better and better. And the best part is that Slappy isn’t even awake yet. We haven’t released the big bad. And the good guys are already overwhelmed. So what are they going to do when Slappy is back?
(4 / 5)
Advertisement
If you’re a fan of my work, please check out my latest story, Nova, on Paper Beats World. New chapters launch every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
After the very alluring ending to the last episode of Goosebumps, this one had a lot to live up to. It is also, of course, named for possibly the best-known Goosebumps book. Night of The Living Dummy is the book that gave the series its mascot character, and our primary antagonist, Slappy the Dummy. It’s safe to say that this episode was going to change the course of the season. And I’m happy to say that it lived up to all of those expectations.
If you’re into detailed, elaborate, multigenerational backstories, then this episode is going to be a real treat.
The story
After Biddle/Mr. Bratt invites the kids inside, he sits them down on the couch and starts to tell them an elaborate backstory. This story begins with his great-great-great-grandfather, Ephraim Biddle.
Ephraim was a failing magician until he finds Slappy the Dummy in a magic shop. After accidentally bringing Slappy to life (do not repeat strange words you find on a piece of paper out loud) his act takes off. Eventually, though, he discovers that Slappy has plans to hurt people. And so he bricks him up in the wall of his basement.
Years later, Harold Biddle and his parents move in. And Slappy calls to Harold, who was bullied at his last school. He’s worried that he’ll be bullied again. Slappy talked to those fears. And, as is too often the case, this worked like a cursed charm.
Advertisement
What worked
I’d like to start with how our main characters responded to Harold Biddle’s tale. Because I loved it possibly as much as he hated it. But they are correct when they say that their parents weren’t to blame for what happened to Harold.
They didn’t bully him. They took him into their group, or at least they tried to. And after Harold stood up on stage and aired out their secrets, Nora was quick to defend him. They even wanted to protect him from Slappy.
And yes, their actions caused his house to catch on fire. But they would have gone back and saved him if it hadn’t been too late.
I felt so bad that Harold’s unhappiness was completely self-fulfilling. He assumed people would hate him, so he didn’t give them a chance. This is a lesson we don’t see much of.
Of course, the bulk of this episode’s greatness came right in the last few minutes. This ending was perfect.
Advertisement
When Margot asks “How do you know all of this, Mr. Bratt?” And his response is, “That’s right, the twist,” that was it for me. Because of course, Goosebumps books were always known for that last killer twist. And I think we all love a good fourth-wall joke around here.
This, of course, led us to the big reveal. And this was perfect. It was a cool line. The effects were flawless. The kids’ reactions were hilarious and completely understandable.
Oftentimes in horror, when we finally see the monster it can be a bit of a letdown. Stephen King talks about this struggle in Dance Macabre. When we can’t see the monster, it’s the worst thing we can imagine. After we see it, we often realize it isn’t that bad. It might even be unintentionally funny.
Because the point of this scene isn’t really the monster’s revelation to the audience but is instead focused on the revelation to the characters, it works much better.
What didn’t work
Sadly, the rest of the episode didn’t work quite as well. Starting with the flashback to Ephraim Biddle. While I understand the value of this story, it was slow. It wasn’t nearly as interesting as the rest of the episode or the season. It certainly dragged this episode down. Which isn’t to say the actors didn’t do a fine job. It was just that the story itself was a little dull.
Advertisement
Finally, though, I have one primary complaint. And this has been an issue I’ve had with the season so far.
If Slappy was supposed to be a big mid-season surprise, maybe he shouldn’t have been plastered on every single bit of advertising for this season. It took some of the joy away honestly. When we first saw the dummy-sized case, we all knew who it was going to be, because we’d already seen his face. Worse, Slappy’s appearance couldn’t be a surprise, because we saw him as soon as we knew the show was going to happen. It took some potential fun away to have that expectation already established.
That being said, this was still a fun episode. And it certainly left me eager to see what’s going to happen next.
(4 / 5)
If you’re a fan of my work, please check out my latest story, Nova, on Paper Beats World. New chapters launch every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy
Privacy Overview
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
Jennifer Weigel
January 28, 2023 at 5:51 pm
This is an awesome review. It just is. A reboot would be purrfect if that means you’ll revisit it for another review, especially if Jellybeans makes another guest appearance.